Letting go of Mom although the issue of inheritance niggles.

[surf14]

I am the daughter of an emotionally and physically abusive mother; I have spent the majority of my life living as geographically far away from her as possible  and because of this I have been able to attain a good amount of mental health.  The problem is that she, several years ago, inherited her mother's fortune and money is a terrible weapon for a narcissist to wield.  I made my choice years ago (left to pursue my own life and health, she never forgave me as my purpose supposedly was to exist as a moon orbiting her earth) knowing the money would be a future issue. I am considering  'letting go' for good in light of a recent conversation with her where she once again reverted to disloyal and cruel  discourse.  I can let go of any claim I may have to the money although it is hard as  I am 52 and am tired from having struggled in that abusive home and struggled to raise my two daughters after my N husband made clear that he loved them but wanted no financial responsiblity  for them.   I can't sell out now for the money any more than I ever could and my mother is furious to discover this.  I always loved my mother despite the heartache but if I release her I have decided for my own peace of mind that it will be done with compassion and a regard for her fragility rather than with anger.  If i nail her and give her a painful reflection back I am afraid we will be stuck together for all time in an angry dance in time and I would like to be done with her forever and want never to see her again, either in heaven or in the next lifetime. Thanks for checking this posting out.

[Anonymous]

I am confused. I don't think letting go of your mom (not sure what that means) is the same as relinquishing claims on her estate.

bunny

[surf14]

Hi Guest, here's the issue.  My Mom uses money as a weapon and the unspoken rules are that she is to be the center of attention and is not to be even remotely criticized or held to any  standard of behavior in any way.   I have had very limited contact with over the past 25 years because she could  not refrain from splitting, criticizing and manipulating, the usual stuff.  when she would do these things I would distance even more since I wasn't allowed to have a voice or say anything to protect myself; this she sees as sheer abandonment.  She seems always to want a relationship but when it comes down to it she resorts to the age-old defenses which alienate me.  Two weeks ago after our phone conversation where she gleefully went for the juggular when I was talking about my frustration with my XN husband and how I had not been able to turn his destructive behavior in the relationship she took a gleeful breath and jumped in with her sword accusing me of 'enabling' him in  the marriage. Now I don't even know if she really nows what enabling is but the peasure with which she dove at me to bring me down several pegs was unmistakable.   Now enabling I did not do and divorse is a devastating thing and you don't go into someone els's wound and make sport of their pain.  So I sent her a gentle e-mail saying that this had hurt my feelings as I had done everything I could to  turn him and had been unsuccessful.   (she may recognized that he is a bit too much like her and therefore is sympathetic to him) She got furious and sent me back  an e-mail in huge bold black  letters  without a greeting or a goodbye saying a one liner alluding to denial; I haven't heard from her since.  I know her very well and what this means is that if I wantttocontinue the relationship I will have to crawl to regain her approval; if I do not do this she will not seek me out and say 'lets talk' or anything reasonable like that.  What she will do is send me a haughty e-mail and tell me she has cut me out of the will; she uses her money as power and as a fortress to protect her from any feedback or having to take any repsonsibility in the relationship.  The standoff will probably go on until Mother's Day which will be the day of truth. If I don't  acknowledge that  day by sending her flowers or something she will assuredly cut me off and yet I can hardly face drawing her closer at Mother's Day and perpetuating the lie yet again.  Yet, I hate to hurt her ( I know, even tho my feelings don't matter at all) and she has such a difficult time giving even if I continued to take her abuse and conduct a pretend relationship with her its questionable what she would actually be willing  to will me in the end anyhow.  Its like she keeps waiting for me to change and I keep waiting for her to change and we are both aware at this point that niether is going to change so why continue.  I'm getting a little old for this kind of game but hoped we could at least have an amicable relationship so when she does pass on there is closure there.  I am sure tho that when she writes me her vile follow up e-mail cutting me off that if i simply wish her well and say good bye that I will gain closure.  In a pastpost Guest you talked of how difficult it is to cut off from a mother; yes it is even if they are cruel and uunloving.  Thicht Nhat Hahn: "suffering nourishes compassion".

[rosencrantz]

I don't know if this helps surf14 but so much of what you express is well, 'traditional' for ACONs  - so you're not alone in this.

We know how cruel they are and yet we fear 'hurting' them.  We clearly see them as vulnerable even tho they are so destructive.  We are made powerless as well as voiceless by their vulnerability - or is it their clever manipulation to make themselves appear so vulnerable.  As vulnerable as a Brown Bear, I think!!!

But I think we ACONs are also very vulnerable to 'being wrong', being 'in the wrong' and coping with criticism of any kind.  And for good reason after the way we were brought up to - always wrong, but always expected to always be perfect in all that we do.

But we're not perfect and THAT'S OK!!  

The other side of the coin is the 'grain of truth' syndrome.  There's always enough 'truth' for any criticism to find a home in our heart and create panic that we have indeed got is ALL wrong, that we are TOTALLY at fault, that we are MISERABLE wrecks worth nothing on this earth.

Does that seem familiar???

I think the only way to handle it is to let it go!  Accept the merest tiniest speck of 'truth' in what she says - don't bother to argue with her and find a 'yeah, yeah' attitude.  Should frustrate the hell out of her!  

Difficult to do, of course.

And, I hope you will forgive my presumption, (you will see that my reason for saying this is that I've thought the same thoughts) - I wonder how much the threat of being 'cut out of her will' is in your mind rather in her reality.  

I know my father lived frugally because he intended me to have something after he had gone but I feared my mother would take it all away from me if I didn't 'behave'!  It was only when I let go of wanting anything at all from her that I stopped fearing her power over me.  

It's true that I feared my mother's impact on me more than I feared the loss of the money (so perhaps it made it easier for me to give it up!!). It's more than possible that my mother would like to threaten me with it as yet one more weapon in her arsenal.  But if I truly don't care and don't need the money (whether I think I do or not), then it's not a weapon any  more.

We ACONs have to work on removing the hooks deep within us - no hooks, no room for them to hang their coat!!  There's enough abundance in the world for there to be plenty for all of us elsewhere in the world - we don't need to get what we need from our mothers!!!  There's a famous phrase for handling this kind of situation : Who's NEXT! (In other word, look around you for what you need, not just in one direction of lack).

Kind thoughts
R

[surf14]

Dear Rosencrantz;  I continue to be moved by the heartfelt and understanding people like your self who particiate on this forum.  When I first entered this forum several days ago I told a very close friend of mine that the discourse was so meaningful and also sad that it would break your heart.  Its so clear that ACON's understand each other's experiences so well because they all seem so similar and we have all experienced so much pain.  I have built my 'family of joy'   as I like to refer to it here in Hawaii and I know I don't need her in my life but my anxiety on experiencing or initiating cutoff, combined with my reluctance  to induce pain in her I recognize as signs of enmeshment.  If ONLY she could just give me an ounce of respect so we didn't have to go to complete estrangement. It  is such a needless tradedy for everyone.  In terms of the estate, thanks for suggesting it may be more in my mind than hers that she would do this but she will; its the only source of power she feels she has and she has no qualms about exercising it.  Again, N's have strange relationships to money.  Thanks again.

[surf14]

P.S.  I am afraid if I go' yeah yeah' to her lies that I am reinforcing the voicelessness that she has always tried to enforce on me.  I mean, if I did that wouldn't I be enabling HER?  It may be time for a change.
  Surf14

[Anonymous]

Surf14 Hi and welcome.

I've been reading your posts and had a few thoughts I'd like to share with you.

First, if you wanted to you can go through memberlist here. There's a name 'Pheonix' who has contributed a lot and some of her story is somewhat like yours and many responses she's had are very insightful and hopefully that may offer some insights and food for thought.

The following are my thoughts on untangling are not requiring you to answer me but just food for thought too.

How would you relate to your mother now if there was no money or inheritance in the picture at all. If we can eliminate the whole financial issue and remove the whole money side from the scene momentarily, and all you had with her and could get from her was the emotional side that you're experiencing and receiving and have been participating in what would you do? How would you relate to her?

I can understand a little about the power she's weilding. And if you feel the money angle does have some relevance to you this is perfectly normal and okay. It doesn't in any way make you insincere or not loving. Inheritances that I've received have played a vital role in my and my family's quality of life and I've been so grateful.

It's the pain you feel when someone has physically and emotionally abused in your early years. It's perfectly reasonable to feel that they owe you something for what they've taken away. The feelings do get very tangled. This also doesn't make you less sincere.

But we don't always get what we want because sometimes others and ourselves also are completely unwilling to change. Imagine that your mother after all this anxiety she's caused you, and power that's she's weilded in your life, and all your attempts to explain and reconcile, she just up and left her wealth to charity and not to you. What would you wish you had done then?

I suppose it comes down to seeing where we want to be, and where we want to go, and who we want to become. I wrote and made a type of 'Victim Impact Statement' to my N parent which I put a tremendous amount of thought into. I didn't realise at the time what I was doing but I just knew I had to do it. In writing it out, by correcting and re-expressing I healed a lot, and a lot of closure if not all happened inside me. It resulted in us never having anything to do with each other again which was their choice because I finished it by stating what I would or wouldn't tolerate in future contact. This right that I demanded has never been violated. I live in complete peace with this aspect of my life and I have closure.  I hope this helps in some way.

All the best, guest.

[rosencrantz]

I give you a sad pat on the shoulder surf14 -

If ONLY she could just give me an ounce of respect

- if she's the full NPD, she just can't, she just doesn't know how.  The thing I grappled with is that we just don't exist for them - they'll never 'get it'.  If you can get into, through and over that whole concept, you'll feel a lot better but it's a tough row to hoe.

Take care
R

[Karin]

Hi Surf14
My mother is not as N as yours, but she still held that power over me (also over distance). The point came eventually where I did an 'internal' cut-off as well and that made the difference. I have a decent relationship with her now, because she no longer has any hold over me. There were several reasons how I reached that 'point'; I decided that I was not responsible for her happiness, I was not going to feel guilty for not supplying that happiness and I didn't need her approval for anything.
I find myself doing the 'yeah, yeah', naturally as the things that used to upset me now just fly over my head. It sounds doubtful whether your mother has it in her to show you any respect. The important thing for you is to keep going until you find that point where she no longer pushes your buttons. After that, who knows, you may be able to have a kind of relationship with her.
Take care of yourself for a change, not her.
Karin.

[surf14]

Thanks very much Guest, Rosencrantz and Karin for your replies.  Its funny Guest but of course you are right about asking myself the question as to how I would feel if there were no money in the picture at all to muddle things up; in fact I asked my self that very question earlier today and am so glad you also voiced that.  The answer I came up with was that at this point in my life, after all  I've been through, I would just fade away from my mohter as I certainly don't need this in my life at all; and yes Karin I was thinking too that its time to take care of myself now, if for no other reason than that the girls rely on me less, I am tired and I have fewer problems to take care of these days.  I am understanding this disorder Rosencrantz, much more clearly as I read how N's are unable to empathize and need so deperately to feel OK and visible that they will take their children down first without a qualm to accomplish this.  Sometimes lately I just feel sad for my mom and my sisters (one is an alcoholic borderline PD and the other is sad and beholden) that we had to experience this to this extent in this lifetime and then alternately I know this has made me more compassionate and sensitive to others, which is a good thing.  Just sometimes wish things had been different.  I don't feel she owes me the money because of what she put me through but if you have money I feel you share it with your children because you love and nurture them; that's exactly whats missing here.  Thanks much all and aloha.

  Surf14

[Anonymous]

Two weeks ago after our phone conversation where she gleefully went for the juggular when I was talking about my frustration with my XN husband and how I had not been able to turn his destructive behavior in the relationship she took a gleeful breath and jumped in with her sword accusing me of 'enabling' him in  the marriage.

So I sent her a gentle e-mail saying that this had hurt my feelings as I had done everything I could to  turn him and had been unsuccessful.

What she will do is send me a haughty e-mail and tell me she has cut me out of the will; she uses her money as power and as a fortress to protect her from any feedback or having to take any repsonsibility in the relationship.  The standoff will probably go on until Mother's Day which will be the day of truth. If I don't  acknowledge that  day by sending her flowers or something she will assuredly cut me off and yet I can hardly face drawing her closer at Mother's Day and perpetuating the lie yet again.

Okay. Here is what I think, for what it's worth...

(1) With a narcissist like her, do not confide your personal problems, *especially* marital ones. Keep all conversations superficial and shallow. It's the only way, believe me.

(2) You don't know for certain that she'll cut you out of her will. Nor do you know whether she will go to an attorney and do it. Nor do you know whether you're in her will to begin with. I'd disregard the whole will business.

(3) You haven't yet tested a relationship with your mother where you keep things shallow and don't confide in her. You might want to try such a relationship before cutting her off completely. If you want to send her flowers on Mother's Day, go ahead. It's just a gesture and doesn't mean you approve of her behavior.


bunny

[surf14]

Thanks Bunny for your input; I have definately come to the conclusion as well that I must not talk to my mother about anything of substance.   I'm afraid if I give her flowers for Mother's Day I will be reinforcing her behavior and once again she will not  need to take responsibility to just be "nice"  or civil to me. As usual then I will be the one that is expected to do all the 'work' while she is free to treat her children in a bullying and abusive fashion with no consequences for this behavior and no need on her part to address making amends when she acts abusively.  I know  about her legal will and that it exists  but I have not seen it for myself; I have come to the coclusion that it is  worth letting go if for no other reason than that she has proved time and again that she cannot give.  (on a visit here to Hawaii three years ago I had asked her to consider when we went shopping to ask my girls if they would like a little something, I didn't want to be embarrassed or have her embarrass herself by her miserliness; all the way down the mall she kept saying  "I can't do this, I just don't know how to do this."  I almost told her to forget it  if buying a tee shirt for her grandaughter was such a major trauma.  I was appalled!)  Anyhow,  I feel that regaining voice means not taking responsibilty for her cruel ways but rather giving her the space to decide if she cares enough to be responsible for her behavior.  Aloha


PS:  several months ago she was going thru her things  and asked me if there was anything I'd like after she passed on.  Three times I referenced something that I thought would be a family keepsake to treasure and all three times after I identified the object she said "no" and then gave an excuse as to why she wouldn't give it like , "oh, that's hard to mail" or such like this.   Now, one knows when someonoe is dangling a carrot out there and when one is told to reach for it and it is consistantly pulled back that there is a game going  down.  It hurt my feelings  and I wanted to tell her that its because of things like this that we get into trouble in our relationship but I knew she couldn't, or wouldn't handle the feedback.  So, I sucked it up as usual but when she kept asking again for what I wanted I just told her that it really came down to what she wanted to give.  I never heard about this again.

[Anonymous]

surf,

Your mother is extremely, *extremely* infantile. She truly has no idea how to be an adult. She's probably incapable of adult thinking. If you realize that she is a small child who cannot develop any further, you may be able to have a relationship with her (if you choose). It's apparently no great loss if you cut her loose but I've found that mothers have a powerful place in our psyche and it's hard to get rid of them.

bunny

[seeker]

Hi Surf14,

The carrot thing, UGH!

When I read similar stories on the board, I think of the Peanuts cartoon strip with Charlie Brown always being talked into trying to kick the football by Lucy.  Lucy ALWAYS says she will be good this time and will really hold the football in place. Charlie Brown ALWAYS falls for it.  Lucy ALWAYS pulls the ball away at the last second and CB ALWAYS falls on his butt.  Lucy ALWAYS laughs.

This same joke happened year after year when football season started.  I always hated this joke and didn't know why.  Just thought Lucy was mean and Charlie was stupid for believing again.  (I'm not saying you're stupid).  But I really hate how some mean people take advantage of our good, trusting nature.  If we're not the defective ones, how come we get hurt?  

I now realize that Lucy has a personality disorder.     Seeker

[surf14]

Yes Bunny, you are exactly right; she is very infantile and has no idea how to behave as an adult.  That poses a real dilemma for her kids in terms of carrying on a relationship with her.  My younger siister, who lives geographically within five miles from her and who has born the brunt of all this,  seems to understand this stuff on a gut level although  she has been estranged from my mother from time to time as well.  Because I have not, thankfully, been back there to interact much over the years the hurtful episodes are very hurtful; I guess I haven't had a chance to develop coping mechanisms to deal with it.  So when she does stuff like this we're always back to square 1;  I distance myself in order to protect myself and she considers this abandonment which she cannot forgive.  Its an endless dance!  But you are right; I would have to radically alter my expectations of her behavior and character  in order to conduct a superficial relationship with her; then again  if I do that I feel like I just accomodate her perception of reality and perpetuate the lie that she is the 'Queen Mother" without giving her the chance to take responsibility for herself.  (but we know  she will probably never change)   Sticky stuff and confusing. I have to think about this more.  Thanks.