being heard

[axa]

I decided to start a new thread on the subject of being heard because I feel a need to be heard.

I have struggled today with obsessing, rerunning old stuff trying to change the outcome...........crazy.

I need to hear that I will never be heard by XN.  I have been saying the same things for so long that it began to bore me to death.  I find the rejection of my voice so painful right now.  I just wanted to be heard, acknowledged, seen.  All the pleading, begging, hoping changed nothing.  It has been the same story all of my life.  The only time I am seen is when I can do something for someone, or so it feels like.

Why do I keep after the deaf and the blind hoping they will see or hear me.  I feel so small.  I am crying for me.  I need to see me.  I need to hear me and I dont know how.  I have so much sadness right now. 

Today I went to my daughter's grave and cried for her.  She saw me and she had to leave and I miss her so much.  I feel if she was here it would be easier.  Sometimes I feel held by her but as time goes on she gets further and further away from me.

I feel full of grief and loss.  XN could never see my grief would always try and stop it with platitudes........she is a better place blah blah blah.  I want to grieve for what seems like the whole world.

I need to buy a christmas tree.  I cannot bear the thought of decorating it without her.  That was her job.  I am soooooooooo angry. 
In all my vulerability all XN could see was his needs, his kids, his x, his house, his dog............and after all of that I came in somewhere.

Please someone hear me.

axa 

[Jade]

Hi axa:

He may not be able to hear you, but I hear you.

I'm sorry about the death of your daughter. You're right, you can't talk something like that away with platitudes.

We need to ask for more from the men in our lives. It has to be a two-way street. That is my new slogan!

[Gaining Strength]

Axa - I hear you.  After my husbands death putting up a tree has been difficult even though my little boy is so young.  I do it for him and am glad.

It is so painful to not be heard.  It is indescribably painful.  - Gaining Strength

[reallyME]

{{{Axa}}}

If it's ok to ask, what happened to your beloved daughter.  I didn't realize you lost a child.  That must feel terrible, dear.  My prayers are with you.

~RM

[CB123]

Axa,

I hear you. 

It doesnt seem right to bury our children.  We shouldnt have to celebrate Christmas without them.  We should lie on the floor under the tree with them and look up through the branches and look at the lights. 

He has no idea what you are trying to say--he can't hear you--because those moments dont hold the meaning for him that they hold for you.  But you are the richer, and he is the poorer, for it.  I doesnt hear you because he can't.

Axa, you can talk here and we will listen.  We are all listening.  We will listen until you are too tired to talk. 

CB

[Hopalong]

Axa,
I hear you.
I am so sorry.

Do you think you might lose yourself with Ns because you lost your daughter?

Loving her so much, did you ever feel it was not okay for you to live large again, to enjoy a full, 3-D life?

What would she want for you?

Could that question help?

I hope so.

Love to you in your sadness and in hope for you.

Hops

[axa]

Everyone,

It was so good to receive your posts.  I feel my sadness and loss was heard by you all.  My daughter died this time of the year.  She was a wonderful insighful loving teenager.  Who wanted me to have a life.  She would want me to live in her way, with joy, laughter, softness and fun.  She was so smart in so many ways.  Can feel her smiling at me as I write this.

Being with Ns has nothing to do with her.  If anything she would have put her foot down about XN.  I know she would have seen him when I could not.  today I feel a bit lighter.  Woke up with a sense of hope again.  I will get my tree today and decorate it for her.

When I shift my focus from my loss I see (not so good at this sometimes) that he had a choice in all of this and choose to hurt me.  It was not as if he did not know.  He did.  Sometime ago I had literature about NPD and he read it and agreed that this was him.  It prompted him to go and see a therapist but only for a few sessions.  He has admitted to not being normal.  I guess I could not hear him either.  Well now I do.

I want life.  I want a good life free of Ns but I have so much work to do before I can see them.

xxxxxxxxxxx

axa

[seasons]

axa, My deepest sypathy to you for your tremenous loss of your beloved daughter.

She was a wonderful insighful loving teenager.  Who wanted me to have a life.  She would want me to live in her way, with joy, laughter, softness and fun.  She was so smart in so many ways.  Can feel her smiling at me as I write this.

Your daughter sounds very, very special as she can still bring her smile to you,what a lovely gift...... true love is forever.........thank you for sharing that with us.

Thinking of you both, with love surrounding you and comforting you always. ((((((((seasons)))))))))

[sea storm]

I am so sorry for your loss. Your daughter and you had a wonderful relationship and it was such a gift that you could be heard by her.
This must make the lack of empathy of your N so hard to bear.
My heart goes out to you and I hope you pour out some of your grief here where you can be safe and heard.
Much love to you.  Christmas really brings this loss close to you again.
I wish I could help you. I am sure willing to listen.

Much love,
Sea storm

[axa]

Seasons & Storm,

Thank you both for your kinds words.  I have experienced real love and it did nto hurt.  My daughter's death was so hard but not in this way.  I miss her terribly and wish so much that she was here but it is so different to the loss of the N. 

When my daughter died I felt surrounded by her love, held by her.  I knew she did not want to leave me but it was her time.  I still feel the warmth of her generous and soft love around me and though there are tears now, they are tears of love.

There was nothing unhealthy about my daughers love and while I grieve for her and the empty place that she left.  There was no pain.  She loved me soooooooooooo much and I her.

With XN what I am left with is a feeling of being used, hated, toyed with, being played like a puppet with strings being jerked any which way.  This is not love.  This is abuse.  The loss of my daughter did not leave me doubting myself, unstable, angry.  I was left knowing that I had loved in a pure way.  I was a good mom.  I was a loving mom and all of this nurtured my lovely girl.  There was no betrayl or rejection.

To behave in a way that knowingly hurts another and call it love is so disgusting.  It is not love it is hate.

axa

[Sea Storm]

Dear Axa,

You deserve to be heard. I came back to this site and realized that I didn't listen carefully enough to you. Your relationship with your daughter showed you what real love is.

The relationship with the N was destructive and he took a lot of your power. What a clever lot those Ns are. Feeling toyed with and used and hated by someone who manipulated you to get your precious love and devotion. This is such a crime. It is evil. I am sure this N does not feel a bit of shame or guilt or remorse in hurting you. This is what they LIVE for because he is a predator. I am reminding you of what you need to remember. You may love him until you drop dead. However, as Tina Turner would say, "What's love got to do with it?"
These powerful trances of romance and longing are the heroin of loving a Narcissist.  This is an addiction for me. Also, I can't stand the idea that I was so easy to humiliate, dupe and use.  The more I loved him, the worse it got. By the end of seven years I was a shadow of myself. I Couldn't work, couldn't get out of bed,  felt like dying. I could not live with him and knew he was destroying me with the incessant denigration and arrogance and entitlement.
I hear you. I know what it feels like. I want to know your story. It helps me to hear it.
Lots of love to you.
Sea Storm

[axa]

Hi Storm,

Thank you for your reminders.........yes they are predators and I was easy prey.  I was very vulnerable when I met him, not long after my daughter's death.  The more available and loving I was the crueler he became also.  I think they cannot bear to be around love.  It is too painful for them to see the softness in another as I think it reminds them of how little softness they have. 

He said xwife was easier than me because she did not want any emotional attachment.  Also she is very good at pretending and I am not.  She had a major breakdown last time with him and is back for more.  In some ways I am grateful to her because if she was not in the picture I probably would have hung on in there a lot longer.

I keep coming back to the way through for me is to hear myself.  Know what I want and what I do not want.  I need to raise my standards and not be willing to accept the crumbs anymore.

Happy Christmas

axa

[Hopalong]

Sea, Axa...

It is good to hear both your voices this morning.
I feel as though you're both survivors of a tsunami...lucky ones.

There are so so so many people who spend their entire lives in the merciless grip of an N.

I know neither of you will go for that particular kind of man again.

If "Merry" is too over the top, I hope you are having a quiet glow of a Christmas with your good selves, and not sitting near anyone who disregards you the way they did.

That's the real gift under the tree. And after enough healing, there will only be what is present that you have chosen to bring into your lives...not what is absent.

Good to be present with you this morning while Mom sleeps in.
This will be the simplest Christmas we've had yet, and I'm glad.

love,
Hops

[sea storm]

Yes I agree there is something beautiful about your voice AXA and in speaking your truth you are really helping yourself and me. It really helps to hear your story. My ex has sort of gone back to his ex wife too. She knows how to flatter him and ask him for his great big brilliant help. She was nearly destroyed by him when they were married but she is back for more. He is being pretty true to the description of an N by maintaining his traplines of females for supply.
As I stop myself from contacting him and getting reeled in again, I am able to see the destruction he has wrought. Also, I am spending time with people who like me. I am very very gun shy about people right now but I am learning that they are not denigrating me in subtle and not so subtle ways. Nice chance for me.

It really makes sense that N got to you when you were very vulnerable. What a cruel twist of fate.  Thank God, you are free of him. Your daughter must be skipping for joy up in Heaven. I bet she would like to whup his sorry butt.

Lots of love,
Sea Storm

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((axa)))))))))))))

I am so sorry you lost your daughter. It hurts just to think about it. I can't imagine the pain.

Maybe the difference in your pain is control? God took your daughter... something you could not change. But the situation with your N is something you let yourself hang on to? Are you mad at yourself for allowing it to go on? Why did you punish yourself?

I wish you the happiest and sweetest memories of your girl. I wish you happiness and a new start, hope for more good in your life.

Love, Beth