Margo,
I'm very sorry for you and what you are dealing with. My exh was an n sex addict. He never wanted to have sex with me, but chose to watch pornography and have sex with himself, then lie to me (for 20+ years) about his reasons for not being interested in me. I did not learn of all of this until after I found out he was having an affair with a married woman and had moved out to pursue that relationship.
He presented himself as a very kind, compassionate, empathic man, who always placed the feelings of others above his own. After he left home, his true colors came out and I found out that he was nothing more than a lying, cheating, pathetic scumbag who absolutely had no empathy whatsoever. It was the therapist who was seeing us as a couple for six weeks and eventually me alone for 2 more years, who identified him as one of the worst n's he had ever encountered.
Your h has shown his true colors here and you need to start protecting yourself. I would absolutely not consider any kind of collaborative divorce--as he will do his best to screw you. Get the best divorce attorney you can afford (the sooner the better), and start figuring out your rights. I strongly advise you to not do any negotiating with your h on your own. Have your attorney handle all of that. You cannot trust your h to be honest, or do anything in your best interest. I would also consider hiring a forensic accountant to look into his financial information. I had to do all of this in order to get a fair settlement. It is expensive, but worth it in the end to protect the future of yourself and your children. My ex still was able to hide assets, with the help of his father, but for the most part, I am happy with how I came out of the whole experience financially (emotionally is another whole issue). But it is much easier to get through the emotional devastation, if you have enough money to get by. If you are not currently in therapy (sorry if I missed that information), I would strongly recommend that as well.
Sex addictions rarely are healed, and n's are rarely healed. I'm sorry, but that is the truth of the matter. Please consider doing the best thing for yourself and leave your current situation. There really can be a good life after you get past all of it (and it does take awhile), if you take good care of yourself and your children.
All the best,
Brigid
