Mirroring the N back to the N

[DivineSunshine]

Mirroring the N back to the N.

Anyone ever tried it???

 I know, I know,  it would be sick part to play. But I once heard, although probably not from a very reliable source, to win at "war"  you need to be even more crazy, mean, loud, obnoxious, etc. than your opponent is crazy, mean, loud, obnoxious....

Now consider my source was the most ticked-off comedian I have seen lately.  Louis Black  (Probably why I like him---he says all those things I want to say with all the colorful language I probably wouldn't usually use)  I might be mistaken.  Ha ha!

Anyway, just a thought.  NOT that I intend to try it, mind you.  Tempting!     

Laters,

Sunny D.

[Gaining Strength]

Now Divine Miss - mirroring the N back to the N is a great place to go for humor but wouldn't you be afraid you'ld get stuck that way? LOL - GS

[WRITE]

yes, I have been doing it for years. Not being mean, talking about NPD and pointing it out I mean.

On a good day my ex will even describe the N part of himself and talk about it.

Currently he's pretty okay because he's taking a/d s and life is going well.

But he also shifts position all the time and drops the meds and sinks into chronic depression too.

Though things seem very positive he never really changes much, he's learned all about NPD and all kinds of psychology, but it doesn't seem to change the fundamental place he's at, and his need for adulation and attention or reclusive solitude...

that's a personality disorder though isn't it, maladaptive behaviour resistant to change. He doesn't grow or learn much from anything and because he's pretty successful he doesn't think he needs to either.

It's very disappointing to spend much time with him- like being with someone 2 D, and after a while I start to feel 2 D too, like some of my realness has been sucked out!

I love him but I can't rely on him emotionally for anything for me; he doesn't even know me after 20 years of being married. And the worst bit of him hates me for seeing through the facade and to the real person inside.

Sometimes he seems like he's changed, and the last couple of years with therapy he's been better to deal with and learned some communication skills.

But unlike with other people mirroring only works to educate him or give hjim information; it changes nothing.

[liberty]

I have tried it with my Nmom. It made her hesitate and then she looked a bit confused. I understand how it works but in the past it has made me feel silly to actually be using her words and methods (i'm not 2 years old!) and so I stopped.

Lib

[isittoolate]

Ha Ha
I yelled and raged and cursed and swore, just like the N, and--he called me crazy.

Didn't think that he was though!

They just don't get it!

izzy

[insomniac]

Ha Ha
I yelled and raged and cursed and swore, just like the N, and--he called me crazy.

Didn't think that he was though!

They just don't get it!

izzy

That's funny--when I tried mirroring my ex I was called crazy too!  It amazed me how I could act like my ex, and he would complain to me, so I would point out to him that was what he always did to me.  Of course, he could either not recognize it, or never admit it if he did.

[gratitude28]

This is kind of on subject... I used to take the oppostie stance of whatever she said or did. It just made her all the more sure of her convictions (since, thank God, I am nothing like her... her thoughts). She never even listened to what I said. I couldn't understand for years why she said the same things again and again even when I told her I didn't like/believe in them.
When I found out about the Nism... I kind of set out to see if I could set her off. I would talk about things that bored her with my dad. It's weird, though, I wasn't able to piss her off. She only pulls those tricks when you don't expect them, it seems. (Or when she can get away with it????). Her behavior is so random, I am not sure she would get it. She thinks her behavior is right and normal, so I would just be acting the correct way if I were being like her.
Does this make any sense??? Sorry to blab.
Love, Beth

[seastorm]

I don't think evey N is the same. There are other aspecits to each one.
Yelling back could escalate the anger and really get violent. Meeting defensive behaviour with defensive behaviour makes things worse.
I found that when I said loudly, "Stop it. I'm not putting up with this" and leaving was good.
Managing my own behaviour was the best medicine. Not getting triggered by the denigration and arrogance.
It helped to reallize that he couldn't really understand what I was talking about because he doesn't empathize and this screws up his ability to even process language.  Meaning: he doesn't get it.
I learned , too late, to recognize that if I critcized him, then he would put it right back ie. I would say I feel frustrated when you dont do the laundry.... He would say " Well! you don't know what frustration is lady, I am even MORE frustrated with you because you ........  He could not deal with any issue. EVER. He would sort of slide around verbally and it did not make sense. Then he would say. I need time to think about this or ... I can't come up with an answer right now: on command.

Very strange communication style. I listen to it and have learned what the patterns are.

Oh yes, if you yell back at him, he can say that you MAKE him angry and he has no choice but to be angry.

Good grief......
Sea storm

[Leah]

He actually started out disagreeing with me, switched to my position, and then pretended like I disagreed with him!!!  At first it made me mad, but eventually I just started laughing when he did it.  Not because it was funny, but because it was so stupid.

CB

I had that too!  and also ....... this drove me up the wall ........ I would have an idea, express it, and, hope for interactive engaging discussion (always had hope!) and next thing you know, he would express MY idea!!  but he thought of it !!  He would repeatedly say that he thought of it .......... and worst of all, he belived it and would tell others of HIS idea.

Can't find the words to explain how I felt inside ...... crazymaking and gaslighting spring to mind.

He knew what he was doing to me ......... that sneaky smile !!

Leah

[moonlight52]

Hi seastorm,
I am understanding codependency recovery and so many new ways to be strong .
Rule number one is no contact this has been made perfectly clear and I am sure the phone calls will stop.
Simply not answering is good and caller Id .........In my case its so over...

I found that when I said loudly, "Stop it. I'm not putting up with this" and leaving was good.
Managing my own behavior was the best medicine. Not getting triggered by the denigration and arrogance.

makes good sense no more manipulations etc....

[CB123]

ed

[DivineSunshine]

You guys are all crackin' me up!  At least we can look at it with some bit of humor.  Means we are getting better.  Better at dealing and better with understanding the games and how they are played.  And how to opt OUT!  When and if needed. 

How about becoming as self-centered, arrogant, pompous, egotistical, god/goddess-like, ETC  (you know where I am going with this)  as THEY are!

Probably cause we can't--it's not in our nature----that's why they chose us----- or use it on us (whatever the case may be).  Yes?

These people are like watching the Gaston character from Beauty and the Beast(Disney version), or Denny Crane (Boston Legal), or Sam Malone(Cheers). Or maybe J. R. Ewing(Dallas)?   I can't think of anymore off-hand.  I know there are tons in movies and TV.  These I think of cause they are some of my NH's favorite characters--he always chuckles --and says---"I LIKE HIM!"  It's also who I feel like I live with most of the time.  Choose any one.  Then I feel like I am just watching TV.    Right?

Not able to think of good ones for the women characters--although I know there are many.  More queenly/ witchy types maybe for them.

Any more funny characters you guys can think of?

Have a great day all!
Peace & Namaste
Sunny D

[Hopalong]

It's not terribly funny, except in spots, but it's brilliantly done...
the movie The Squid and the Whale is about a narcissist father (I think intentionally).

No violence or raging, but he has every hallmark. It's told from the child's point of view.

GOOD movie.

Hops

[pennyplant]

6)  Jack on Pirates of the Caribbean:

You're the worst pirate I've ever heard of!

Ah, but you have heard of me!

One of my favorite movie lines ever--I sure hope Johnny Depp isn't too N in real life.

Pennyplant

[reallyME]

Yes I have done that.  In the later part of a relationship with one.  The mirroring made this person react in defense and denial, actually.


This person got pretty much angry and told me "oh that's not what I mean at all...I'm sorry if you took it that way."  (remember, it's never "I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry I did that"  it's always put on YOU for "taking it that way")  see the difference?