Schemas Identified- Fascinating and Insightful

[dandylife]

Hi Everyone.
I've been reading a book called Schema Therapy by Jeffrey Young, Janet Klosko and Marjorie Weishaar. It is talking about therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder (often an offshoot of NPD - closely related - shares many traits).

Here is a fascinating excerpt from the viewpoint of therapy that may help you to understand the underlying thinking of the person suffering from BPD: (the definition of schema will be explained in the following)

"We have identified five main modes that characterize the patient with BPD:

1. Abandoned Child
2. Angry and Impulsive Child
3. Punitive Parent
4. Detached Protector
5. Healthy Adult

We summarize the modes briefly to provide an overview, then describe each one more fully.

The Abandoned Child mode is the suffering inner child. It is the part of the patient that feels the pain and terror associated with most of the schemas, including Abandonment, Abuse, Deprivation, Defectiveness, and Subjugation (your needs are more important than my own). The Angry and Impulsive Child mode is predominant when the patient is enraged or behaves impulsively, because her basic emotional needs are not being met. The same schemas may be triggered as in the Abandoned child mode, but the emotion experienced is usually anger. The Punitive Parent mode is the internalized voice of the parent, criticizing and punishing the patient. When the Punitive Parent mode is activated, the patient becomes a cruel persecutor, usually of herself. In the Detached Protector mode, the patient shuts off all emotions, disconnects from others, and funtions in an almost robotic manner. The Healthy Adult mode is extremely weak and undeveloped in most patients with BPD, especially at the beginning of treatment. In a sense this is the primary problem: patients with BPD have no soothing parental mode to calm and care for them. This contributes significantly to their inability to tolerate separation."

The underline is my own emphasis.

The book is great, however it is aimed at practicing clinicians, so lots of therapist speak.

Dandylife

[Gaining Strength]

This is so interesting.  After my husband died I began to realize that he had strong BPD traits.  He had suffered terrible abandonment issues as a very young child.  Often when he made a relatively small mistake he was unbearably harsh toward himself and would take no comforting from me.  But he could also lash out as harshly as he berated himself. 

It is so tragic what happens to so many children and how unempathetic society is towards them at all stages of life.  We are so lacking in empathy.

[Hopalong]

It is so tragic what happens to so many children and how unempathetic society is towards them at all stages of life.

Couldn't agree more, GS...

We need to keep modeling in every interaction we get a chance for, how miraculous and wondrous every single child is. (Doesn't mean no discipline or boundaries, but just love and delight in them all!)

I get to hold babies now and then at my new job. What a joy.

Hops

[dandylife]

Gaining Strength,
You say you were not able to comfort your exN. Isn't that interesting? Some people I find are like the opposite magnet affect, you know? The positive/negative thing. Some people are warm and loving and open and understanding and forgiving and you are drawn to them. Even in times of difficulty. But others are just so...appallingly a negative force it's like being whiplashed as you try and get away from the negativity.

This actually happened with my daughter the other night (16). She came in the apt late in the evening (it's cold here, like 10 degrees) and she had trouble with the deadbolt lock as she was carrying in her dinner. She came in raging "Don't ever lock that door when I'm coming!" The hostility was huge and the entitlement and even magical thinking (you must know when I'm coming since I'm so important!) Plus, it's okay to sacrifice on my safety and not do the deadbolt until she's home? The thinking is just so self-centered and in that one moment. Anyway, I felt myself get so repelled I actually made one comment and then I went to my bedroom and slammed the door! Hah! And then I was ashamed that me, the mom, reacted that way. But as it was happening it was like my body just said yuk, don't deal with this, get away from it.

Hops,
What a great thing to get tol hold other people's babies for a little while. A small personal pleasure! Babies need love and gentle treatment all through development.

Dandylife

[Hopalong]

She came in raging "Don't ever lock that door when I'm coming!"

"I am your parent and you will NOT give me orders.
Now go back outside and come in again with courtesy."

(Delivered in a voice of authority.) She might react badly at first but do a SuperNanny anyway! If you consistently change your reaction it will produce changed behavior.

(If she refuses? No problem. Calmly withdraw a privilege.)

Once again, I'm writing monologues for other people...

You don't deserve to be spoken to that way by your child, Dandylife.
But she will only get away with it as long as you allow her to.

hugs,
Hops

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((dandy))))))))

Good dialogue Hops wrote. Very insightful description of your daughter. I wouldn't have caught the "magical thinking." But that makes absolute sense.

I wish I got to hold babies at work!!!! I just get to see hunky Marines every day

((((((((((((((((my friends)))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

I would have absolutely no objection whatsoever to holding a hunky Marine.

Beth could you find me an antiwar Unitarian middleaged one?

 

Hops

[gratitude28]

I betcha I could. They come in all types The unifying factor is only honesty and perseverance...

[Stormchild]

Yeah for honesty! And perseverance too.

How is your husband doing, please tell me he's back 'for good' now?

[gratitude28]

He is back!!!!!! We are in the honeymoon stage... He WANTED to go to the grocery store with me the other day . Can you imagine????? His ears are ringing with "Hey, daddy? Dad... I love you daddy...". He is just thrilled to be home.
Yesterday he said he will probably have to go to Korea for a couple of weeks. Ugh!!! I made him take a week off next week. Being the Marine that he is, he wanted to come back and start working right away... We are waiting to hear about where we'll move to next. As for whether he'll go back to Iraq or to Afghanistan... there's always that chance, but it shouldn't be for a while (I sure hope).
Thanks for asking!!!!!
Love, Beth

[Stormchild]

y'know? I CAN imagine, and I am very very very very happy for all of you, including Stinky Henry even.

[gratitude28]

Ahhhh.... Henry's another story. He has been doing almost very well since I started treating him the way I am supposed to (a la Dog Whisperer). We have had this ongoing problem where about once a week or two weeks, he sneaks upstairs and poops or pees on the floor. I am doing some reading on it now. According to one trainer, dogs are born with a dominance level. We will be able to curb his dominance to an extent by continuing to reiterate his place in the household, but this trainer said that you can't completely eradicate it in some dogs. Aside from this one big thing, he has been overall so much better. At night I tell him to go to bed and he gets up and goes to his cushion.He asks to go for a walk if he wants to eat. (He's also a dork and thinks the food bowl is magic, because it is usually full when he gets back from his walk). Having Henry has been so hard!!!!I adore him and love him, yet I always feel like a poor mom to him. I really try.

[Stormchild]

well, there can be hormones involved here. now that your husband is back... see if Henry stops trying to be an alpha male. don't laugh, it sometimes works that way!

[Stormchild]

Oh... dandy, I'm sorry; I meant to post to you here too - you started the thread

Adolescent girls can be screaming flaming Ns and get over it, amazingly. Question: how does she treat her girlfriends? Is she in constant competition with them? [this can be subtle, like always having to 'get the last word' in, or blatant, like going after their boyfriends just for the pleasure of taking them away]. Does she 'orchestrate' clique behavior and try to 'dictate' who is 'in' and who is 'out'? Have you ever caught her bullying another girl, or instigating bullying?

These are the danger signs. When this is going on, she's directing the garbage at peers and enjoying it, and that's got real potential for becoming a lifelong pattern in how she relates.

Tension with a parent is sadly pretty common at that age, especially with mom. There's all this hormone stuff, developing body stuff, so much subliminal competitiveness and discomfort with changing roles on the part of the young 'uns, it's almost like they make themselves hateful so that separation from the family will become a positive thing in everyone's eyes. Sometimes it works all too well... but when this is all that it is, thank God, it fades eventually.

Sorry you are going through this, it's terrible to have that kind of negativity in your own home. I hope it won't last... and if in fact you've posted at length and she is a deeply troubled child, and I've missed it, I do apologize for not seeing it... but I very much hope that isn't the case.

[dandylife]

Hopalong,
Thanks for the reminder about setting limits!You are absolutely right. I have been listening to a great audio CD set by Sharon Strand Ellison called Taking the Power Struggle out of Parenting. It's great - I have to practice, obviously. As a younger child, it was much easier for me to set limits and have consequences but at this stage, she has a job, has her own car, gets straight A's etc. and I look at her pretty much as a young adult. So my brain does not go to "discipline this child", it's like why is this adult not behaving appropriately, you know? I still have to recognize that she needs guidance all through 18 (+?)

Stormchild,
I have read, also, that BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is hard to diagnose in teens because the same traits can be present! My daughter has alienated all her girlfriends and only spends time with her older, nonconformist Marilyn Manson-type boyfriend. (ouch). so, she doesn't have much going on around girlfriends. I wish. They are such a good support system.

thanks for everyone's comments.
Dandylife