I cannot figure put the "reasoning" behind what I've just done!

[isittoolate]

I work at home, website building and accounting. I am not a member of the organizations and am on contract--3 steady clients.

I find the work very interesting and am very 'happy' when someone sends me an email to do "such and such". Sometimes there are telephone calls, but emails must contain exactly what I am to put on their websites.

Now that it is January, and I do the accounting as well, for one of the organizations, the President ought to have sent me a 2007 budget. I am 'pissed' that I don't have one, but I don't want to make waves.  It ought to be on their website and I ought to have it for the January month end. He has always sent it to me before---this year I was overlooked ---(left out)

I emailedthe Co-Treasurers and ask if there is a 2007 budget.

One replied immediately that there was and it was approved in October/06. That would be the time the President would send it to me and ask for it to be posted to the website.

So I emailed the President a very short message that I had no budget figures for 2007, and if he had a budget did he want it on the website.

As I did this I was thinking, "You G** Damned bastard for forgetting that I am part of the equation. I hope you feel like an incompetent idiot from this."

Is this "being invisible", "rejection", "left to my own resources", "testing me and my diligence re the job", or just an honest mistake on his part and my pit of anger erupted for nothing?--only you guys know how "left out and angry I felt"---cause? blame-placing?

Izzy

[gratitude28]

Izzy, I guess the goal we are all trying to reach here is to react to a situation like this in the manner you did (sending a remionder to the CO), but not experiencing the accompanying emotion. Easier said than done, eh????? I do this so much at work it's silly. I am trying to detach, but it takes a ton of practice and we're just going to have to keep working at it. And you know what, Iz, even if he did want to be a jerk, so what??? (Again, I say this knowing I would be steaming ) So, how do we get to the point of accepting bullshit behavior without reacting??? How can you???
Lots of love,
Beth

[Stormchild]

I don't expect to stop reacting entirely, but I think the reaction becomes less intense over time... as I have more and more experiences where I ACT, appropriately, and problems actually get solved.

It's a behavior modification / reinforcement thing...

but I think a studied insult, or something that looks, smells, and acts like one, will always set me off. I'll just be better at dealing with that when it happens, as I get more practice.

[isittoolate]

Hiya Beth, and for you too Stormchild:
Yes, Beth
to react to a situation but not experiencing the accompanying emotion.

OR

to react to a situation, but not exposing the  accompanying emotion.

Had I exposed my anger to the President, I would then expect that he would tell everyone else on the Board, that I was 'crazy, overly senstive, weird, whatever and to watch out---she has to be "handled with care". I find that scary when I know I am doing a good job and that if I were hit by a Mack Truck tomorrow----there would be bedlam!!!

I am rather a "ghost" behind the scenes, the only one who knows the website and the bookkeeping.................. I want to believe he just forgot because I am behind the scenes and haven't seen him in over a year + ½--- more like I don't exist and all my work happens like magic, as I write my own cheque. I just don't sign it!.

Maybe he even signs it, and doensn't know the name.  I have seen Board Members approve expenses with just a signature----no perusal.

I am not looking for adulation. I am wanting to be remembered when I am part of the equation!

Izzy


P.S. I am not out to blame anyone in this. I am looking for why I reacted with 'some anger' and wanting to "put down" the President, who is a 'nice guy'.

[Hopalong]

Hi Iz,

It's kind of like you're the invisible farm kid doing the exhausting chores at 5 a.m. and nobody ever sits down with you face to face and says, thank you. You know, this farm could never even run without you.

Hops

[gratitude28]

My boss has been kind to me in ways no other boss has been. He has made sure I get paid, sent in my recommendations for raises on time, been understanding on the few occasions where my kids were sick and came to work with me.
He also gets in his moods and has to show he is superior and will either jump in when I am telling someone exactly what he has told me to say... and then change it so I look like I don't know what I am talking about or he will jack up something and pretend it "just happened," he will let me go on vacation, but then be pissy when I got back and everything that happened the week before will be left on my desk in a huge pile. He is always saying how much better the office works now, but as if it is due to some alignment of the planets or something.
Love you Izzy. I wish I could explain it for you, but I'm at a loss...
Beth

[gratitude28]

I got the airhead feeling too. That is how it came across to me.
Beth

[isittoolate]

hi Guys,

An airhead? -----just doing and not thinking of all the people involved down the line/on the flow chart?----with only me being left out because I am not a Member, not on the Board, eventually end up invisible, or fell off the bottom of the chart, onto page 2 that he doesn't know exists! If that is airhead I will go with that-- and forget the anger/whatever.

Dissing?-- meaning a putdown?--I think, if he thinks, he realizes value, and that the whole place would fold, temprarily anyway, if I didn't do what I'm doing....and that's pressure.... so dissing?  NO!

Hops: so interesting that you thought of the little invisible farm child............ and you too CB As well! 

"There're lazy lttle bastards here
but I reallly don't know who
Somehow the cows get milked and fed
When my mind goes askew.

CB...' that I am reacting to two things at once.... WOW! That thought has crossed my mind a nunber of times--even two or more things-- THat is SO confusing I just stop thinking!

I can take to reading the Minutes (sent to me regularly by the Sect'y) every month and see what happens that affects my job 'down the line'. Then I will be on top of things. Normally everthing is sent web ready with no need for me to read--just Copy, Paste, Format, Save, Upload.

gratitude28: I think you boss just doesn't want to admit that you are good, and that you are missed when you are gone!

 
Izzy

[gratitude28]

i LOVE YOUR BLOOMING FLOWER GRAPHIC!!!!

Ooops, didn't mean to shout. Caps lock, but too lazy to rewrite.

Love, Beth

[CB123]

If that is airhead I will go with that-- and forget the anger/whatever.

Izzy,

I don't think that forgetting the anger will make it go away.  I probably should have expressed myself better.  I wasnt discounting how you felt, but rather putting my two cents in on what might be happening.  Your anger is real and deserves your attention.

Self-realization comes when we can tell that our anger response doesnt match what is happening.  Sometimes the person who is making us angry is just thoughtless, but it matches passive-aggressive behavior that our N spouse exhibited.  So we will become very angry at this thoughtless (and clueless) person--more angry than the situation warrants. 

The anger may be an over reaction--but its not useless.  It can be an important clue in helping us work through how we feel about the events way back when that made us sensitive to the current event.  Does that make sense?

So, don't just forget your anger.  Stay with it and work through what's going on.  Maybe the guy really is being a jerk (don't accept my analysis of him, necessarily).  Or maybe you are still protecting that hurt little girl who was ignored and devalued a long time ago.  She is worth your time and effort to understand.

CB

 

[isittoolate]

Thank you CB

After the fact, I believe that the president 'just forgot', but you are correct that I must pay attention to my reaction. That's why I posted. (He is probably secure enough that he won't be shaking in his boots that i 'caught him in a 'mistake' merely by  my asking for something that ought have been sent to me last Fall. As well, I thought, he might think I am 'sharp' for having noticed it was something I needed by this month-end.)

I thought of "the invisible bookkeeper" who is taken for granted and then forgotten; and it felt that I was not important enough to remember; but he wasn't sabotaging my work, as it would reflect on the 2 Treasurers and me; so it was just a "senior moment" in his life; he is just a person and can make mistakes; I am overly sensitive and bookkeepers are usually OC becauseof the type of work.

Yes, I try to protect my image in the work field. (OH yes there are minor little errors with others, theirs and mine, and I deal with those fine, but this was the PRESIDENT!--not an N in my experience.)

Yep, I didn't forget. I dropped the initial anger and studied the situation.

Thanks again
Izzy

[Dazed1]

Excellent info on anger, CB.  Thank you.

Yes, trace the anger back to the original event that made you angry, especially if the anger is disproportionate to the event.  I love that CB.

Izzy, I think you're ticked off because you feel invisible.  But, are you really invisible to this company?  Sounds like you're an important part of the company.

How can you make yourself feel more visible?  Get more active with the company?  Do you want to be more active with the company?

I think by feeling invisible, maybe you want to feel validated for the work you do and you don't feel validated.

I don't know.  Just my thoughts.

dazed