for those whose story is too horrible to hear

[seastorm]

I read that someone didn't tell their story because it was too shameful and horrible to hear.

I feel that way too. There is a feeling that when I do bleed it out onto the page that it is not worth hearing or that I feel judged. For instance: when I phone my X and get feedback that I am stupid for phoning this is not helpful. I obviously know that I am not following doctrine and I am struggling. I would not be involved with Ns if I could help it or if I knew better.

I want to heal from this and it feels like it is an impossibly huge task. I believe that telling my story and being heard and not judged is one of the keys to healing.

Looking back I was desperate for love and didn't know it. Even though I lived in a groovy place that everyone thinks is heaven on earth and had a good jub. Maybe one of the most interesting jobs around.  Even though I was building my dream home that I designed. I had friends who were interesting and fun. I had turned 50 and decided to have a rich full life as a single person. then X came to visit me at work out of the blue. I was so happy to see him after about 3 years. We had known each other in our youth. I had always enjoyed his charismatic, funny and intelligent self. I invited him home for dinner and when I found out he was single I decided that he was going to be mine. We had a great night talking till midnight and then making love. It was cosmic and transcendent and we did everything except ........ have intercourse.  He said that he thought pleasuring ourselves was better. I thought this was a bit odd but overlooked it.
next day he panicked and left.  But he came back. Turned out he wasn't quite separated from his X wife. I think they were going for couples counseling still.
When I went to visit him he was living in a pretty house and still working for his own company. I think that his very effecient secretary was covering his alcoholic butt and doing most of the work. I did not know that he was an alcoholic. We didn't drink much together but he started drinking as soon as he got up. I discovered to my horror that he put tons of vodka in the juice. He was not a mean drunk and seemed to carry on fairly normally. Boy was I wrong.
There was a woman living near by and she was managing his financial affairs. She was very controlling and had access to his bank accounts and credit cards. Once I bought an expensive potted rose for his porch and she was furious because her partner had landscaped the place and it did not fit in with the plan. I mean she made a reall fuss about it. He told me that it was causing so much trouble that he wanted to get rid of the rose. I was so mad that I threw it in the ocean which was very near by. Now this is the sort of weird thing that was common with X. His ex wife lived a stones throw away and she would drop over unannouced and still called him by little pet names.  The person handlling Ns affairs was sort of a dominatrix. Not sexually, she was a lesbian, but she ordered him about.  I thought all this was because he was getting over the break up of his marriage.
Although the dominatrix was managing his money, his bills were unopened and stacked up about a foot high. He got a friend of mine to sort out his bills and she was shocked because bills weren't paid for years and cheques weren't cashed etc.  So much for the woman managing his money.  All this seemed like utter chaos to me but by now I was madly in love with him. Eventually, the dominatrix ran off and it turned out she had swindled him out of at least ten thousand dollars.
Because he was still working I thought it was not so bad. He managed quite a big company and make good money.
He tried to quit drinking and went into the DTs in a very bad way. Or he just went into the dts. He ended up in the hospital.  I went to see him and the nurse said,"who are YOU" and she was laughing. I was sort of flabberghasted. I said that I was his girlfriend of a year. She said well there are two women claiming to be his wife and we can only deal with one partner. So his ex wife (wife number 2) had come in and gotten all the information about him. His first wife was very concerned too.  So they didn't even want to let me see him. I was the person who brought him to the hospital.  It dawned on me that he still kept in very close contact with both wives. I think it was very close. Of course he denied this.
At this point I look back and I think , Good Grief, this is really crazy. But he was a silver tongued devil who could talk his way out of anything.
I thought this would be a wake up call and a turning point. I was very desperate and very positive. I put a positive spin on everything.
Meanwhile, I was in a very stressful job. I had a crazy narcissistic boss. So i was getting squeezed between two very difficult scenes.  I think this is when I lost myself.

I will stop now and write more later.
If anyone thinks their story is too aweful or shameful to repeat believe me I don't think there is a bigger fool than I was.  I think I will remain feeling like a fool until I tell my story so I am just going to do it.
I invite anyone who might be feeling this way to speak here. I will listen and not judge and it would help a lot.

Sea storm

[Stormchild]

Hi seastorm

Wow, what you went through!

And you are coming through it... keep talking. Light is the best disinfectant.

I'd posted something else here but it doesn't really belong on this thread, it belongs on its own, so I'm moving it. Sorry about that.

(((((((((())))))))))

Edit in: Listen to the mudpuppy, salamanders are very wise...

[mudpuppy]

I don't think there is a bigger fool than I was.

Everybody here is a fool and has been fooled or we wouldn't be here in the first place.

I will say seastorm that you were sucked into a pretty weird zoo by any standards, but all of us have in one form or another had the same thing done to us.

The unfortunate fact is people say the wrong thing sometimes; sometimes accidentally and sometimes not so accidentally. Or they speak when they shouldn't and vice versa. I know I've done three of the four and more than once, and if I thought about it I've probably done the fourth as well.
I think part of finding your voice is plowing ahead even when somebody judges you or ignores you. Being judged inappropriately is never fun but if you let it silence you, you've acquiesced in a wrong being done to your own person. I think part of getting a handle on this issue is putting our foot down and speaking up whatever the consequences. Part of having a voice is the recognition that some people won't like what we have to say. And the more truth we tell the less some people will like it. It has always been thus and always will be. Its a not very pleasant world we live in, even the supposedly safe parts of it.
So tell your story and if somebody doesn't like it they can go jump in a lake or suck an egg or something along those lines.

mud

[isittoolate]

((((((((seastorm)))))))) and ((((((((((((Stormchild)))))))))))))

...stories too horrible to hear. I'll bet there are many who feel that way, but I really believe this is a safe, supportive place to share the horror. That's what it is--HORROR.

The most difficult part is still loving or wanting in spite of our mangled feelings--

I think it is good to put it down in wrtiing, step 1, and post it, step 2, and then have responses, step 3.

The worst part for me was that I wised up, but being in a wheelchair, I couldn't find an accessible apartment, so stayed where I had a roof over my head, and sex was still involved. I feel I degraded myself for that, but left when the first GOOD apartment was available. However I was with him 4 years and 2 months. I endured the raging and the boring sex, as he wasted all his time masturbating to Internet porn.  As well we were partners in a business. I had to keep an eye on things, and was wondering how to deal with this aspect!

He sucked me into his web for my money. He never got it though.

The emtional abuse really knocked away any self-esteem I had and the physical violence, not against my person, was like my dad, and I was very frightened.

One Friday night, Dec 15, 2001, the Xmas decorations were up and it had snowed for 2 days. My car was just piled with snow and he was coming back from a business trip. Called to say we would go out for dinner. We did and I ordered a glass of wine and he, a beer. We went over the menus and chose, then the waitress came and he ordered another beer and I another glass of wine to have with my meal, He roared that if I had another glass of wine he was walking out.

I accepted the wine and he jumped up, tossed s $20 on the table and left.

I had my wine and dinner and paid the bill, but I did it all very slowly, enjoyed it, as the snow kept teaming down. I called a taxi.

I asked the driver to go down the back laneway, as there was a boardwalk there, (my car was parked beside it) but he would have to push me through the snow and up the ramp, which he did.

When I went in all the decorations had been taken down, he was on the sofa having a beer and smoking, and said I had spoiled Xmas. (huh?) Then he took a toss pillow and sheared all the growth from a tall plant in the living room and dumped the earth on the carpet, then he flung his portable phone against the stone fireplace, then his watch then poured out his beer on the carpet and snubbed his cigarette in the mess.

The air was blue with his cursing.

Then he pulled off his sweater, stood on part of it and pulled the thing to shreds, then did the same with his under shirt. I sat in front of my computer and just stared and was voiceless, as he started pulling the wall hangings from the wall and broke them over his knee. The Living room was totally trashed and then he came toward me, looking at my computer. I was so frightened, but he backed off.

FF to next morning and I was not going to clean up his mess. He cleaned it up and said he was going to sell everything, then go live under a bridge in his van for a while , then climb up to the top and jump. I ignored that.

Come Sunday the 17th, he said if I gave him my car keys he would clean all the snow from my car (What? He never offered like this!!) which he did then came in to ask did I know my car was damaged. What?

I went out to look and it had been trashed to the tune of $1500.00, He called th police, blamed it on the guy who lived downstairs, called the insurance company, then called a Guy who would do the repairs, without my even paying the deductible. What? He was never that helpful.

As far as I am concerned he trashed my car on the Friday night before I came home, the falling snow covered it up until Sunday, but I never saw it happen.

You see when I think of that, I was so ashamed that, because there was so much raging and property damage, I couldn't get out.

We can feel so helpless regarding our situations, our feelings, what to do, where to go, maybe it's him/her, maybe it's me, what will the friends think, will  anyone believe this atrocious story, will I just sound like a whiny bitch, will anyone support me, or will they all just say I'm lying 'cuz he is such a great guy!

I am 4½ years out of the mess and can share a story, but it feels like I am telliing someone else's story, as any feelings about that time have dissipated because I was with a person who was abnormal/disordered and had no feelings. Time does heal.

When I left, I didn't have a friend. They were all his and his admirers.

I don't know how wise I am about helping others, but i can certainly lend an ear and understand some of the horrors that have been experienced. and I will believe!!!!


lover
Izzy

[Gaining Strength]

I want to heal from this and it feels like it is an impossibly huge task.

huge - yes; impossible - no

I believe that telling my story and being heard and not judged is one of the keys to healing.
It has been for me.  I have shared things here that I have shared absolutely no where else.  It was frightening but I did it. And it helped. - Gaining Strength

Wow, Izzy, that sounds like a living hell.  I am sorry you had to live through that.

[seastorm]

Thanks GS,
Wise words.

Izzy,
 
How familiar what happened to you sounds. You were denigrated by another but it says more about him. There is something about the powerlessness of the situation and the vulnerability that damages a person.
My feelings are dissipating too. I wonder where they go?  I want to tell the story so that I can release them before they foul me up. I feel like I could go on functioning on 2 cylinders but I want to be alive. Maybe that is asking too much. I have to numb myself to survive.
You ask about helping others. Well, telling me your story and how you felt helps me. I can see that you need a lot of compassion and caring after the horror of that night. Merry F..ing christmas.  The shame you might feel seems so undeserved when I hear the story.
Thank you. Sometimes I feel so alone I could scream. When I connect with you through what happened it helps a lot.

Mudpuppy,

I was starting to feel like a loser on this site. I felt that I was not recovering in the right way or fast enough. I felt like I would NEVER recover. 
Thanks for reminding me that we are all fools. I love that about the human race and especially about the people on Voicelessness.  That is what helps give this place its heart and creativity.
You are quite right about the weird zoo. What on earth was I thinking? Obviously, not thinking.
I don't think anyone did anything mean to me here. I just get scared and clam up. I am hanging in there anyway. I have gotten so much help here that I can't throw it all alway.
Also some blunt feedback is in order. It was a weird zoo. I can laugh about it now. God, it would make a good off Broadway Play. I must find healthier diversions.
thanks for the encouragement.

gaining strength:
I will watch for your story. thanks for your response.
Sea storm

[Stormchild]

Wow, izzy. what a flaming borderline! Or maybe just a mean drunk.

Classic, carrying on like a total nutbar in order to ruin the holiday for everyone else [in this case, = you].

Classic, trashing your house and car to punish you for refusing to be controlled by him not once, but twice - you had your wine and you had your meal. He wanted to see you jump when he barked.

And insofar as the sexual aspects are concerned - Iz, the older I get, the more I realize how few marriages or domestic partnerships are really healthy, and how many men and women find themselves in intimate arrangements that degrade their souls... I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

I'm so glad you have a place of your own now, where you are safe.

[seastorm]

During the hospital stay Ns mother came to his house while I was staying there. She was there with his ex wife and his daughter. They had decided to pack up his family heirlooms without his permission because he was too out of it to have them. they did not ask me about this and they were in the living room carefully cataloguing the items. These items meant a lot to him. He went to private school from age 7 to 14 and he felt like an outsider in the family. Nevertheless, they were carted off.
Someone had taken his guns. They were very valuable. He was not in any danger of harming himself or others. The mother, wife and daughter are all Ns I think.
Just barge in and take over.
Fast forward to my lovely new house. N is drinking out of control and agrees to go to detos. He ends up in the hospital again. This time he agrees to go to a treatment centre. I wrote a cheque for 9000.00. This was all the money I had in the world. I later went to his mother and asked her to pay me back and she did.
I thought about leaving him while he spent 10 weeks in treatment. The cost to me had been too steep. I could hardly function at work and he consumed my life.
I felt that by taking him t the treatment centre and paying for his stay I had done enough. Also, I wondered if he would have permanent brain damage from the detox etc.
He sold his business to his partner at this point.
By now my friends had disappeared. Three good friends said that the could not stick around as long as N was in my life.  By now I was as sick as he was. I just didn't really understand what was happening.
I sold my place that I had built to move to a place where N was more likely to get work. In four years he rarely worked. My daughter grew distant and said that I had disappeared. I could not understand what she was talking about. This was heartbreaking to me. By now I was used to a diet of chaos and angst.
This story is a lot about livng and loving a raging alcoholic. It is such a mess. I tried harder and harder. As I got weaker he got more controlling. He wasn't happy unless things were his way.
I found a house to buy and I put 80% of the downpayment down. I paid for the renovations and I paid the mortgage at double the rate. N took control of finances. He was adament that i was incapable of managing money effectively. I squandered money on foolish things. So the money got spent on his airplane, his sailboat, a trip to china for him and his son.  Meanwhile, he badgered me constantly about how foolish I was about money and said that there would be enough money if I stopped spending it on second hand stores and silly things. he would tell people I was a shop a holic. This is really nuts considering I was the one paying for EVERYTHING. It just served to keep me subservient.
I look back and I think this would not have happened so much if there had been friends around or family. We were isolated. My friends were gone. His rarely came to visit.  So my life became very hard. Working really hard at work, coming home and doing all the housework and trying to fix up the house and garden. I began to feel that N did not like our new house. He did nothing. He complained that the house was such a mess that he didn't want to help with housework. He thougth of making dinner but couldn't find anything in the cupboards to make. He would get working but he had to clean up his workspace ( this never happened). It was like the house was not up to his standards ( he comes from a wealthy family) so he couldn't get enthusiastic about it. So I tried to make the house nice. I painted the rooms. I don't know where he was when work was done but he didn't do any.
Our sex life was nearly non-existent. I was very sad about this and thought it was because I didn't turn him on. He would flirt with me and then laugh and go somewhere else. I don't know what he did with his sexuality and that began to wear away at me. The harder I tried to please him the worse it got. I started to lose my temper. I would say "I am sick of being you cash cow. You have to step up to the plate. Either do work around the house or get a job".  He would look at me like I was mentally defiecient. HE WOULD NEVER ADMIT ANYTHING> EVER>
At this point I cracked up and had to leave my job.  After i cracked up he found reasons to be absent and go traveiling. I wanted to go camping or do something to get my spirit back.
He got emails from wife no. 2 that were signed with her affectionate name "Fluff" and they said things like "Oh N i remember flying with you and they were the peak experiences of my life".  Looking back he was probably visiting her.  I said "Knock it off. that is ridiculous. You can't expect me to put up with that". He would reply," It is nothing. Put up with what. The problem does not exist" I noticed that that was a strategy. Do not acknowledge that there is a problem. It just doesn't exist.

End of part one.
Sea storm

[Hopalong]

Sea....
Lawd, hon, I MAJORED in Fool.
I have truly, truly lost myself in pursuit of an unwinnable, unavailable, irresponsible alcoholic N man. I have pushed down the memory of some of my more spectacular groveling and self-abandonment but it was truly there.

(Good news? It's gone. That big huge toxic self-abandonment is gone.)

I will tell you more sometime when I have enough stamina to write it, but meanwhile, please trust my assurances that there is nothing weird or wrong in you. You were just on a mistake-cycle, and one I knew very well.

Make the mistake and when it backfires, make it harder! I know that cycle, and I likewise know how much honesty and courage is required to let go of it, and risk leaving with a less certain but more hopeful future.

I think that's what telling your story is about--honesty and courage.

Ain't nobody keeping score here, hon.

(((((Sea)))))

Hops

[mudpuppy]

I felt that I was not recovering in the right way or fast enough.

I'm sure you know there is no 'right way' nor is there a timetable. Recovery is the singular goal, the ways to get there are legion.
While the paths to recovery are many, the ways to the pit all seem nearly identical when it is between a man and a woman. I've been here about two years and your story, far from being uniquely shocking or shameful, is depressingly familiar. Somewhere there is an assembly line stamping these little tin gods out by the thousands and they all march out of the factory to the beat of the same deranged drummer. While the cloud of ex wives and lesbian dominatrixes and mommy dearest surrounding him was a little extreme he's just the same old flim flam man that has taken so many others here for the same ride. Lots of other gals here have struggled through what you are going through and you will to. If this site should tell you anything it's that you're not alone and there is life after the grifters move on to the next mark.

I firmly believe spitting the whole sordid mess out in a place where you are supported and believed is the single most important thing you can do to recover. It was for me.

mud

[pennyplant]

Sea,

I want to chime in here even though I come from a completely different angle.  A couple of years ago I let myself become an emotional fling / source of supply for a former co-worker who totally tricked me (though I was ripe for the tricking, a really big fool).  We are both married.  And my husband knows all about it.  My husband and I have come a long way in solving many of our own problems because of what happened.

What I'm getting out of your story for myself is the other side.  What he must really be like for the woman who is unlucky enough to be married and have children with him.  When I was in the thick of it, I didn't let myself think about her too much.  And I know for a fact, that the other people in his "circle" don't like her and even resent her for whatever control they think she has over him.  They don't even know her for the most part.  Of course, he makes it sound bad.  My take on it is that he uses her supposed controlling behavior as his excuse for not having to do things he doesn't really want to do anyway.  But he can blame her and come out looking like a hero and all for doing nothing at all but lie.

When I was lost in his charms, I didn't see the bad parts very clearly.  I sensed it, but talked myself out of it.  I was star-struck and soaking up a little attention that seemed to be coming my way.  A very little attention.  It didn't take much then for me to be swept away.

I still need many, many reminders of what these people are really like behind the lies and the mask.  Even though, by now, I have actually seen behind the mask several times.  Still, that drug effect they can have still pops up in me every so often.  So, to hear about these terrible actions being perpetrated against people here who seem to me to be very good and decent and normal people, the kind Ns go after, then I know over and over again that I was lucky it was only emotional and something he intended only for refreshing his imagination with.  Which is the only kind of sex he can have, in his imagination.  He actually told me that several times.  I just didn't believe it.  What kind of a man only wants imaginary sex?!?!?  Well, now I know what kind.  At least now I have stopped feeling rejected.  When I thought that was what was happening, rejection, I felt horrible all the time.  And it wasn't even about me at all.  Actually he told me that too.  When he stopped paying attention to me he said, "It had nothing to do with you at all!!!"  At the time that felt like a slap in the face.  But now I  know it wasn't even that personal.  I was nothing but a new fantasy to him.

So, Sea, there are other fools here.  Like me.  I have above average intelligence, a good marriage to a good man, a nice enough home, a good-paying job, nice kids, and I actually wanted to have an affair with an N that I used to work with.  Obviously, there is more to my story that caused this need and vulnerability in me.  But still, voicelessnes, abuse, sad childhood, whatever.  It was not logical what I wanted to do.  I am still not 100% there yet.  Most of the way there.  Ninety-five percent.  I can look back and see where it was nonsense on my part.  And very, very risky.  But I would have done it if he had been a normal man who had really been attracted to me.  The only thing that stopped it from going any farther was him not actually wanting that at all.  But he's N.  Of course, he didn't want anything real with me.

Wow, this sounds so stupid to write.  But it is, or was, true.  Stupid but true.

I fully understand how you got sucked in.  And once in, how very difficult it is to get out.

Pennyplant

[seastorm]

I need to hear over and over that i am still ok even though I subjected myself to the ongoing abuse. When I hear that you guys went through the same kinds of things it is so easy for me to have compassion for you and to understand how you were manipulated.
Parts of the story play over and over in my head and it is helping me to exorcise them.
thank you.

Sea storm

[debkor]

I don’t feel uncomfortable to tell my story. It’s so detailed and so long.  It truly is a horror story.  I dealt with my trauma years ago.  Dealing with my friend that I spoke about in post and hearing from my ex sister in law right before X-Mass to let us know my children’s grandmother was dying put me post-traumatic.  I cut off contact with them 15 years ago.  I still keep it that way.  I’ll try to do this as simple as I can.  It’s not that I don’t want to tell it.  It’s very hard to put it into words.
I’ll give you a brief and if you have any questions you can ask me.
I met my ex-h got married and pregnant.  Lost my first baby she died 2hrs after birth.
Got pregnant with my daughter who is turning 23 in Feb.  My ex-h drank and was dabbling in drugs.  Confrontations broke out.  I knew something was very wrong and assumed it was his substance abuse. There were lies.  I believed he had a secret life. There was money missing. Nights out. Paychecks spent. His behavior became odder and odder.  His job covered for him, his friends covered for him.  I could not make sense of anything.  I started to lose my dignity; I started to lose myself respect.  I decided to take the bull by the horns and take it back.  I started to investigate, I started to put some heat on him, and I started to put some heat on his job since they involved themselves.   I started to push back.  I enraged him.  . 
One night I went to the bar to get the paycheck.  I was calm. I needed diapers for my baby.  Oh I was also 6 weeks pregnant.  He walked me out of the bar to my car.  We got in an argument.  He went into A NUT RAGE, He started to scream get in the F’ing car and pushed me.  I think I might have blocked this cause I really don’t remember what he said.  I don’t know if he said he was going to blow my head off or not.  Anyway my car had automatic locks and the key would not push up the lock.  I kept looking at the construction workers to see if they were looking at me (and they were).  I felt a little safe.
He got frustrated and walked off.  Now I’m standing with a car that the doors are broken.
I put the key in one more time and boom they opened up.  I called the police earlier but they treated me like a hysterical housewife.  I went to my sisters told her what happened and she became outraged, got dressed and off we went to the police station.  They sent a car out to go lock up my husband.  Someone told him they were coming and he fled.
My sister and I went to get a coffee and think about what to do.  I don’t know why nor does she but she opened my glove compartment.  She pulled out a plastic bag with a fake mustache and make-up.  We were both really puzzled.   My ex was never in trouble and held a city job. 
Oh he was also on vacation starting that night.
Back to the story.  I reached to get his duffel bag out of the back seat. I put in on my lap and felt it.  I said to my sister, OH God!  Please don’t let me think this is what I think it is. I pulled it out and it was a sawed off shotgun. 
Now we drove for hours not knowing what to do.  I was exhausted and pregnant so we hid my car and I went to her house to get some sleep.  I awoke and called the police.
They came took it out put it on the front of my car.  I asked them if it was real.  It was red so it looked like a fake gun.  It was loaded.  I said I have a mustache too.  They said they didn’t need it.  I threw it out.  They took the gun and left.  I went home to do some laundry.  I was home about 2 hours and I got a call from a detective Deb do you still have the mustache. No, I threw it out but I can get it. Ok Deb we’ll be right over to get it.
They came I gave it to them.  They asked my neighbor downstairs if she could watch my daughter and asked me to come to the police station with them.  I was annoyed cause I was doing laundry but said all right.  I went in and they said Deb sit a few mins.  I said ok.
I saw these two men coming in dressed really well and very good looking with briefcases.
They shook my hand and said Deb we are with the FBI.  They knew I was pregnant so they were very careful and kind with me.  They asked me to look at a picture  and if I knew the person in it.  I looked and it was my ex-n in disguise.  He was robbing banks for a few months. I just about fainted.  They asked me where he was.  I said I didn’t know he started vacation.  They said he must know by now you found the gun and they would not leave my side.  They started a set-up and I helped them.  They put me on the phone with them on another they told me to look for him.  Couldn’t find him.  Finally a call came in and it was he.  They told me to answer it and act just like I normally would.  I did.  I got him to convinced to come home.  They hung up the phone.  The two FBI agents went to my terrace doors with guns drawn.  The Detectives went to my neighbor’s made them all get on the floor with the kids.  I heard all kinds of commotion and screaming we got him.
I went out and he was thrown over my car. There were FBI Agents all over. There were ones with newspapers like they were reading them.  There were ones in the phone booth.  They were all over. They immeadiately removed me from the scene and put me in a car.
I couldn’t make sense what was going on.  They said he was just short of going on America’s most wanted.  He discharged the gun in a bank.  I was in SHOCK.
It was if I was in an unreal world.   
.
My life became an open book.  I was on the news, I was in a magazine, and I was on a current affair.  I had offers for books, I have offers for movies.  I had all kinds of people calling me.

This was not my life. This was not something I wanted.
And that was not even the end of the story but I’m too tired to write anymore.
So yes, I felt shame, fooled, a jerk,  but I got over it in time.
He doesn’t feel real to me anymore.  It has passed and I’m ok.

Love ya all,

[Bones]

Oh My Lord, Deb!   

I'm so glad you are OUT and AWAY from all that mess!!!!

Bones

[Gaining Strength]

Debkor - what a tragic story!  That must have been horrible to live through and you haven't even covered much that you must have gone through - trial and exposure.  Your poor precious children!  How glad you are here, glad you are healing. - Gaining strength