((((((((seastorm)))))))) and ((((((((((((Stormchild)))))))))))))
...stories too horrible to hear. I'll bet there are many who feel that way, but I really believe this is a safe, supportive place to share the horror. That's what it is--HORROR.
The most difficult part is still loving or wanting in spite of our mangled feelings--
I think it is good to put it down in wrtiing, step 1, and post it, step 2, and then have responses, step 3.
The worst part for me was that I wised up, but being in a wheelchair, I couldn't find an accessible apartment, so stayed where I had a roof over my head, and sex was still involved. I feel I degraded myself for that, but left when the first GOOD apartment was available. However I was with him 4 years and 2 months. I endured the raging and the boring sex, as he wasted all his time masturbating to Internet porn. As well we were partners in a business. I had to keep an eye on things, and was wondering how to deal with this aspect!
He sucked me into his web for my money. He never got it though.
The emtional abuse really knocked away any self-esteem I had and the physical violence, not against my person, was like my dad, and I was very frightened.
One Friday night, Dec 15, 2001, the Xmas decorations were up and it had snowed for 2 days. My car was just piled with snow and he was coming back from a business trip. Called to say we would go out for dinner. We did and I ordered a glass of wine and he, a beer. We went over the menus and chose, then the waitress came and he ordered another beer and I another glass of wine to have with my meal, He roared that if I had another glass of wine he was walking out.
I accepted the wine and he jumped up, tossed s $20 on the table and left.
I had my wine and dinner and paid the bill, but I did it all very slowly, enjoyed it, as the snow kept teaming down. I called a taxi.
I asked the driver to go down the back laneway, as there was a boardwalk there, (my car was parked beside it) but he would have to push me through the snow and up the ramp, which he did.
When I went in all the decorations had been taken down, he was on the sofa having a beer and smoking, and said I had spoiled Xmas. (huh?) Then he took a toss pillow and sheared all the growth from a tall plant in the living room and dumped the earth on the carpet, then he flung his portable phone against the stone fireplace, then his watch then poured out his beer on the carpet and snubbed his cigarette in the mess.
The air was blue with his cursing.
Then he pulled off his sweater, stood on part of it and pulled the thing to shreds, then did the same with his under shirt. I sat in front of my computer and just stared and was voiceless, as he started pulling the wall hangings from the wall and broke them over his knee. The Living room was totally trashed and then he came toward me, looking at my computer. I was so frightened, but he backed off.
FF to next morning and I was not going to clean up his mess. He cleaned it up and said he was going to sell everything, then go live under a bridge in his van for a while , then climb up to the top and jump. I ignored that.
Come Sunday the 17th, he said if I gave him my car keys he would clean all the snow from my car (What? He never offered like this!!) which he did then came in to ask did I know my car was damaged. What?
I went out to look and it had been trashed to the tune of $1500.00, He called th police, blamed it on the guy who lived downstairs, called the insurance company, then called a Guy who would do the repairs, without my even paying the deductible. What? He was never that helpful.
As far as I am concerned he trashed my car on the Friday night before I came home, the falling snow covered it up until Sunday, but I never saw it happen.
You see when I think of that, I was so ashamed that, because there was so much raging and property damage, I couldn't get out.
We can feel so helpless regarding our situations, our feelings, what to do, where to go, maybe it's him/her, maybe it's me, what will the friends think, will anyone believe this atrocious story, will I just sound like a whiny bitch, will anyone support me, or will they all just say I'm lying 'cuz he is such a great guy!
I am 4½ years out of the mess and can share a story, but it feels like I am telliing someone else's story, as any feelings about that time have dissipated because I was with a person who was abnormal/disordered and had no feelings. Time does heal.
When I left, I didn't have a friend. They were all his and his admirers.
I don't know how wise I am about helping others, but i can certainly lend an ear and understand some of the horrors that have been experienced. and I will believe!!!!
lover
Izzy