Big time backsliding today

[pennyplant]

A few things have gone wrong lately at work and it has triggered some depression.  Before Christmas I got a chance to work in another office as the Officer in Charge.  It is a learn on the job method of getting into management.  The first couple of weeks were really, really hard.  I struggled every single day.  It didn't help that the person who I am filling in for had left the office in a huge mess.  Made it very difficult to even see what needed doing let alone learn how to do it!!!

But I got through that time period and the fog cleared and I started learning things.  I have learned how to ask for help more often.  I have learned how to focus better.  I started to get my confidence back and became truly interested in doing a good job.

Then I heard the rumblings from back in the old office.  They were going to bring me back.  I knew my co-workers were complaining that they had to work too much over time because of me.  They couldn't go home early on Saturdays because of me.  So, I thought that was why I was going to be short-changed on my new assignment.  Then a friend called and asked me if someone had complained that I got the assignment even though I was not on the official OIC list.  Who would make such a complaint?  I knew right away who it might have been.  One of the sometime psychos I work with had gone out of his way to talk to me about my assignment and quizzed me about how I was picked for it.  You see he had previously served as OIC in that office and had considered putting in for it when it opened up two years ago.  I honestly thought he was just interested in what was going on there with me.  Boy, did he fool me.

If I had any doubts that he was the one who complained, they vanished yesterday when I saw him at work and he avoided me like the plague.  He is one of the most selfish employees there who frequently goes on extended sick leave for no reason, or when he's pouting about something.  He has left fellow co-workers in the lurch many times through this method.  This is the person who complained about the unfairness of me receiving this assignment.  He is not on the OIC list either.  He gained nothing by complaining and ruining this for me.  Just the satisfaction of hurting me.  Someone else entirely is being asked to take over for me.  She isn't on the list either.  There probably isn't even any list anymore since staffing is so stretched the last few years.

I feel betrayed out of all proportion to what was done.  I have been dwelling on it all day today.  At work, when one of my friends stopped in with the snacks for the week, I talked to him about what happened and ended up having to go in another room and cry after he left.  I feel so trapped.  I tried this in order to get away from the place for a while and also to see if it was a career path I wanted to pursue.  Both nipped in the bud for now.  I feel betrayed.  Management and upper management didn't even tell me what was going on.  I heard about it through the grapevine and from upper-upper management.  To my face, they act all concerned.  "We support your employee development and will find you more assignments and better ones....."  Liars.  The one who told me that catch phrase is the one who is  replacing me with one of her proteges from her previous unit.  She doesn't support me because I'm not the right nationality or right personality type.  Everyone new who comes through immediately pegs me as the energetic, hard-working one, the one who can be used in  order to spare the favored ones from having to work too hard.  If they have to work too hard they will complain loudly and stress the managers who hate to deal with the whining and complaining.  "Just make it stop!" seems to be their motto.  If I do more than my share and don't complain, then that will "make it stop!"  Very useful in that way to management.  I'm far less useful to management if I'm away and "developing" my "career".

Some of the people I work with have been putting up with this nonsense for 20, 25, or 30 years.  There is real anger in them for this long term, institutionalized disrespect.  I  know it is not only me.  It isn't personal.  I know this.  But to see how entrenched it is.  I have no illusions that it will go any better for me than it has for those who have gone before me.  That is part of what makes me feel hopeless and want to run away.  If others before me haven't been able to solve these problems in 30 years, it is unlikely that I will be the first one to invent the new wheel.  It is part of the system there.  It is the basis for everything, this institutionalized disrespect and unfairness.  If there isn't a class of overburdened and overused hard workers, why the whole damn thing will just collapse!!!  But there will not be any revolution there.  There is only my best boundary of "me not being there."  And that was taken from me.  I have to go back.  I have to work around them, rather than them cooperating with me.  I have to listen to the liars and do as they say and watch losers rule the roost.

Yesterday, when I ran into someone else who is in another office and is being allowed to pursue her long-held goal of management, I told her what happened and she said, "You always get screwed."  Her comment and her good fortune to have a real mentor just brought it all up for me.  Every crappy thing that has ever happened to me seems to be tied into how I feel about this right now.

I don't even want to go back to my assignment tomorrow.  It seems pointless now.  All the hard work, all the effort to learn difficult things, the extra responsibility, all seem like burdens now that all I am doing is tying up loose ends and making the place nice for the next person.  It was really hard for me to take this on.  My self-confidence has been way underground for years.  I had just started to let myself think that maybe I really could do this and learn these things and someday, when I had enough knowledge, then maybe I would want to apply for my own office.  I knew I didn't want to rush it.  But I started to think I wanted it.

And having all this to concentrate on took my mind off some of my troubles.  Now my troubles are back in the front of my brain again.  Today I was going to attend a work related ceremony when I got done with my shift.  I had known N-co-worker might be there, but thought I could handle it.  But when I woke up this morning, I dreaded the thought.  So, I slogged through my day, and wasted time so I would be too late to attend.  I'm in a weakened position now and knew I could not, in fact, handle seeing N at all.  It feels like I have back-slid to almost a year ago in this feeling of dread of running into him and having the badly hurt feelings again. I had been thinking of N very little these past few weeks and started to feel strong about it.  This weekend I don't feel strong about it at all.  I feel ill.

This is quite a jumble I know.  The past few weeks have been a roller coaster ride anyway, but for most of it, it seemed like I was going to have a good result.  Growth and progress.  Then this slap in the face.  A series of slaps actually.  I haven't mentioned half of what I have seen and felt.  I just feel completely the outsider.  Completely B-list.  What is wrong with these people I work with?  Not all of them.  But far too many of them.  I really want to cut and run.  I don't see it improving to my satisfaction.  What am I doing living and working in such a N-Vortex?  How do I get out of this?  I'm really ready to be done with it.

Pennyplant

[gratitude28]

Well, Penny, if I get everything correct here, I would say that the main issue is that your management is lacking balls, cojones or whatever you want to call them. If they are willing to back down to a whiner who complains because he doesn't have a job he wants... and he's not even a prime employee to begin wiht... then there is a major breakdown...

This reminds me of an evil neighbor I have. No amtter how nice I have been to her and her kids and her husband, she adores waiting for a moment to stick a knife in it and wrench it around. At frist I thought she was nice (I din't usually make big mistakes with people, but I did here...). Her latest little jab was to ask how we got a four bedroom apt when we only have two kids... Never mind that it is basically a hovel and the oldest housing you could imagine... Of course, she tells anyone else who will listen that we were in some way favored... in fact, she does this with everything every day. And. like with the lovely man in your office, I don't know why. I have decided she is an unhappy, mean person and just can't lift herself up any other way. But lately I want to stand in front of her and just ask her, "Do you know you are an incredible BITCH???"

So, Penny, the main thing now is... what is the solution??? First, you didn't lose anything by learning new skills. In fact, if you decide you want a new workplace, you can nicely work those new skills into your resume and interview. Use it or lose it, baby.

Another thing I would say is that if you do want to go into management, you will have to grow a thinck hide. People get more jealous and mean the more they see you move up. That won't ever go away, no matter what compnay you are with.

(((((((((((((((Penny))))))))))

I am ordering you to go to Barnes and Noble (because I love it and I can't) and take a book of Foxtrot or Zits or Calvin and Hobbes over to the coffee tables and get a nice big cappuccino.

Love, Beth

[Stormchild]

Oh ((((((((((Pennyplant))))))))))

dammit dammit dammit

what a bunch of loser creeps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They don't deserve you

and you CERTAINLY DON'T deserve them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(((((((((())))))))))

[Gaining Strength]

Pennyplant -
I don't know what to say but I want to let you know somehow that I hate what you are going through.  It sounds horrible.  I hope that you will find a way to turn things around so that you have a job that rewards your hard work and determination and that gives you as much as you give it.  I don't know how you are going to get that but I pray that you get a vision of how to get it.

My heart is with you today and tomorrow. Your friend - Gainging Strength

[pennyplant]

Yes, Beth, I think it is crucial now that I make some decisions about what I really want here.  You are correct, a major problem here is the ball-less-ness.  It is rampant in my home office.  Before I came there, ironically enough I had specifically wished for thicker skin.  I had just come off a bad work situation and felt that if only I could just "take it" better I'd be fine.  And so I got what a I wished for, a brand new situation where every day I have to practice the skin thickening technique.

But I think there comes a time when you have to re-assess.  Just how much of "who I am" should I go about getting rid of, or covering up, or whatever.  That is where I am right now.  I see it clearly.  Everyone there had to go through this.  Well, everyone except the bullies.  And they have been a very creative bunch as far as which coping skills they have selected.  Some have selected laziness as their artform.  Some have embraced their anger.  Some have become prima donnas.  Some have left.  Some whine.  Some have fortunately grown deaf.  I was thinking of picking that one.  Seriously.  What you don't know doesn't hurt you.  Those are the happiest people.  The ones who just don't hear 90 percent of it. " Not being there" was my version of being deaf.

I think, what would I be doing if I really could do whatever I want to do?  I would be going to the librar and researching books I want to write.  I'd be doing creative things.  I'd have way less bills so my paycheck wouldn't matter.

It's a real puzzle for me.

[pennyplant]

Hi Stormy,

I have to think you're right and so many of them are losers.  And they are dragging me down to their level.  My feelings of weakness are making me vulnerable to this.  Making me into prey.  Exactly like when I was a child.  I see it so clearly.  This is my childhood all over again.  I can't believe I had to live through something like this as a little child with absolutely no tools, no support, no protection.  Completely innocent.  Blind-sided almost every single day.

I'm not so innocent now, but I'm so comletely disappointed.  I'm surrounded by people who are as beaten down as my parents were, pathetic creatures who offer nothing because they have nothing.  Sometimes I sense that they think, well, why should you have it good?  I wasn't good enough to be treated well all these years, what is so great about you that anybody should treat you well, that I should go on the line and defend you?  I understand that feeling because I have had it too.

It's just a vicious cycle.  Self-perpetuating.

It reminds me of a saying I once heard, or really a riddle.  What does every slave want?  You might think the answer is "freedom".  But it is not.  The answer is, Every slave wants a slave of their own.  Every slave really wants to be the master.

I'll be back.  But right now I have to get ready to go to work.

[Stormchild]

Pennyplant, our situations are so similar I could scream.

I'll check in with you later this evening.

You are right; nearly everyone who has been abused and oppressed, if they are damaged enough, can't imagine any other form of success than to abuse and oppress somebody else.

[Gaining Strength]

This is my childhood all over again.  I can't believe I had to live through something like this as a little child with absolutely no tools, no support, no protection.  

This is the key Pennyplant.  You get to do your childhood over.  This time you are NOT powerless.  This time you get to protect yourself and take the necessary steps to do so.  This is a very important healing opportunity not a terrible work situation.  It actually is a gift of healing and you will thrive when you have protected yourself. - GS

[pennyplant]

We always begin to hope and to trust and they make it their mission to cut us down to size.


This is what hurts so much, CB.  I don't want to become completely untrusting and paranoid because of things like this.  But I must become much more cautious.  I can't believe I let that particular co-worker fool me as to  his motives.  He has proven time and time again what he is capable of.  His actions are the reason why his own career is not heading upwards and onwards.  It was very naive of me to give him the benefit of the doubt.  I will never do that again for sure.
 
Well, it's their loss.  You are going to take away with you everything you learned--all the new skills and all the new confidence.  They will reap none of the benefits--particularly if you take your new skills and your new confidence and bless a new workplace and employer with your abilities.  Perhaps you should.

I promise to keep this in mind.  When I went in this morning (I have this office for one more week, then I will spend two days with the new person helping her to get acclimated.) In spite of how drained and disappointed I feel, it still felt natural to go about my duties and planning ahead for the tasks I need to finish before I leave.  It didn't feel like a burden at all like I expected given the situation.  So, I did learn a lot and did grow a lot.  I have changed for the better.

Yesterday I was feeling bitter and pitiful.  I felt like giving up my goal.  Today I think the best "revenge" will be to start filling in that resume.  Now I have something good to put on it.  My current boss may not appreciate my potential but maybe I will meet someone from another office who will think of me the next time this kind of opportunity comes up.  I don't need the people who don't appreciate me but maybe I will find someone who does.

I really did learn a lot because of this.

[pennyplant]

It actually is a gift of healing and you will thrive when you have protected yourself. - GS

GS, I promise to remember this as well.  This one was an especially difficult gift to receive.  It seems like a lot was involved.  Many different kinds of hurts.  Even when I was feeling at my worst yesterday, I knew I had friends.  Both there and here.  And my husband let me be and gave me quiet support.  So, I can't say I am alone and on my own with it.

I have to get back to work and will post tonight.

[Gaining Strength]

I really did learn a lot because of this.

This is the attitude that will drive you towards the good working environment.  All my life I have "licked my wounds" and unknowingly become more and more bitter because things did not and were not working out.  I didn't understand that it wasn't me but that it was the particular circumstances and that if I had changed the circumstances and looked for a better fit then I could have flourished instead of withdrawing and withering.  Now I am determined to go about it all in a whole new way and I can see that you are finding a whole new way to work in a productive and nurturing environment.  It will get better, Pennyplant. - your friend - Gaining strength

[gratitude28]

Hi Penny,
Ball-less-ness is my favorite new word I LOVE it! It is also what MY boss has. Talks big... no follow through. In my other jobs, everyone looked to me to be the person with cojones who had to deal with the tough stuff (and not for better pay or respect, but just cause they didn't wanna, and I have some sense of justice...).
It's funny you mentioned deafness... I didn't put it together, but I think that is what I have been contemplating in my subconscience (sp?). To tell the truth, I get a bit paranoid when my ears start picking up anything about me. I know one of my neghbors talks about me when she can... I now know that my mother and sister do this (and I don't know how far-reaching it is). I like to believe that people like me, but I know there will always be those who don't... So I think you are right on about the deafness... and that I too need to take that on.
Penny, if you are not happy at work, I am more than sure you can start looking and it won't take long to find something else. Sometimes I just don't know if one job is better than another... it's another of my big life questions. I think we should all be independently wealthy and live on our own islands...
Take care and tell us what happens...
Love, Beth

[jaysee]

Hi Penny,

One thing, just one I'd disagree with, Penny: that this isn't a big thing. It's huge, to have the rug pulled out from under you, to get hit with so much institutionalized cowardice, B.S., and injustice just because it's the easy way out for those 'in charge'. You're right, it's not about you, but that doesn't make it any less a gut-wrenching undeserved betrayal after all your hard work.

Would it be out of the question to take the bull by the horns and try to stand your ground ? If you are of the wrong nationality is there discrimination involved in this decision? Also, I believe, if you're 40 or older, you're in a protected class and sometimes a reminder that you know and understand the implications of that fact can be all it takes to back management (especially gutless management) down.

Just thought I'd throw that out there. When you're feeling squashed, sometimes standing up for yourself can be powerful medicine.

Take good care,
Jaysee

[pennyplant]

I was thinking throughout the day about why I feel so angry about this--I actually feel different physically.  It seems like that time I had to take care of a customer who turned out to be the one who orchestrated much of the neighborhood harrassment I endured as a child.  I could feel a volcano erupting in me that day!

Today I feel drained and somewhat raw.  It feels like I was assaulted.  I think what has happened again is that childhood anger was tapped into.  More than the injustice of it.  More than the betrayal.  It is all the dozens and dozens of times as a child that I was left dangling in the wind, unprotected, ignorant of what was really happening, ignorant of any recourse I might have.  I had to bottle up a phenomenal amount of immature, raw anger.  The constant, no-win, rock and a hard place situations I faced day in and day out, at home and in the neighborhood and in school.  It's all still in there!!!!  I wonder if child-anger is different in some way from adult anger.  Purer, maybe.  Or is it different because of being bottled up?

Last night I felt completely demoralized about having to go back to my assignment because it seemed pointless.  But today it felt good and safe to be there.  I still feel very, very susceptible to triggers.  Certain people are sure to trigger me.  I need more time away from them.  So, it is good to have my little office for another week and a half.  I feel so vulnerable now.  Another feeling I probably had to bury as a child.

It's funny that now I have told people about what that co-worker did, I feel kind of detached.  I have no desire to tell him off.  I don't care what he thinks of me.  I don't care why he did it.  Clearly it is about his own scary little brain.  I just caught his attention because I happen to have something he wanted once.  Maybe that was what was going on in my school and neighborhood.  It is possible there really were that many troubled kids in one neighborhood.

About the deafness.  One of my friends at work is actually partially deaf.  And I have noticed that he can skip over a lot of the crap because he doesn't actually hear a lot of it.  A couple of years ago, I got a transfer within my office but to another job.  My old job was not filled and this created a huge outburst.  I was not working the day it was announced.  I knew I would be scapegoated even though it wasn't my fault.  I told my deaf friend, "They will blame me for this."

The next day he happened to be at the right angle or whatever and actually heard what they were saying about me and told me, "Were you ever right about those guys, I can't believe people can be so cruel."  It just so happened that this time I was the one who hadn't heard what they said.  So, I was able to continue about my business blissfully ignorant.  I could feel the icey atmosphere but hadn't heard the specifics.  My friend however, was a little shocked because he had heard it.  I can only imagine what they said about me.  But I have always remembered how much easier it was to go about my business with some ignorance.

I have had a lot of problems with confidence over the years.  I have never been employed anywhere that challenged me in a good way.  Plus, we have always lived paycheck to paycheck and it felt too risky to make big employment changes.  The times when I have actually tried to put together a resume I have gotten too scared to really do anything with it.  And at this stage of the game, there really isn't much there that is impressive.  I'm not up to speed on things.  But within my company, there is a wide variety of jobs and units.  Just now thinking I could really make a change at some point.  I want to work where I'm treated like a person with value.  My office doesn't do this.  Maybe another one will.  Or another type of job entirely within the same organization.

I don't have to take it anymore.  At any rate, I'm not going to hook into the games the losers play.  That is my next resolution.  To stay out of their games.  I'm sick of these kids.

[gratitude28]

You know, Penny, I am hearing you give up before you try on one thing... applying for a job. It requires confidence, and with your skills, you should have confidence.

Here's the deal I have figured out about jobs (and you know how it is w/the military, girl, we get to start new ones A LOT):

1) Whatever they list as requirements can always be slanted to your advantage... If they say they want a BA in management with experience in retail... Well, I have a BA in Blah Blah from Bla Blah University. I learned so much. Loved it. And my management skills are great b/c I worked at Blah blah and got so much experience (doesn't have to be the truth... just needs to sound good).

2) Whatever skills they desire, you wither have ''em or can poick them up easily: Well, although I don't use Access on a regular basis, I have used so many applications and am very qquick at picking up new skills. Computers and I get along...

3) As long as you have some background/work history, you can make it look good on a resume. Just work it into how it will help the new company.

Penny, I would be glad to help you w/a resume and interview techniques. I never get turned down for a job... I always make sure I really want it before I get hired.

What do you think??? Or do you think it might be more comfortable just to shut out the dorks???

Love, Beth