It requires confidence, and with your skills, you should have confidence.This is the thing, Beth. I
should have confidence, but I don't. I really, really don't have a lot of confidence. I think I used to be able to cover that up. But one of the things I have noticed about myself the last several years is this strange weakness in me. Or maybe it is fatigue. I feel kind of like a waif. Other people can pick up something else about me and tend to assume I am confident. Some people resent me because I seem like something that I know I am not. When I was first hired where I work, people immediately said oh, you'll go into management. I didn't understand how they could say this. I was hired as a temp. I made half the money they made and did all the grunt work. I mean I got filthy and sweaty. I didn't understand anything. But I tried to. I made sure to learn my job. I seemed inexhaustable. That is from my point of view. Nobody has ever told me what it was they picked up about me right away. Maybe it is the way I talk. I can sound like I am knowledgeable.
I always make sure I really want it before I get hired. Okay, this is the other thing. Maybe even the main thing. I don't know what I want anymore. Ever since I walked off a job I loved in 2001, I have been unable to decide what I really want to do. Even though I grew to hate my N-boss, I loved the job itself. I worked in a history dept. I got to do research and do desktop publishing. It was very creative and interesting. It was full-time, civil service, with benefits. It was exactly what I think I was meant to do, or something very close. After I walked off, people tried to help me with a job search. They would say, What kind of job do you want? And I would immediately think, I want the job I had. But I just couldn't spend one more second with that N. Probably if she wasn't N, that job would never have existed in the first place. She is the only municipal historian in the state with a staff and a budget like the one she has. Historians tend to be part-time, or even volunteer. The state mandates that municipalities have them. But they are often a low priority department, under parks and recreation. But because of her persistantly me, me, me outlook in life, she manages to get a great deal of attention and funding. Always thinking, what can I get them to give me. And I was one of the things they could give her. She introduced me as her indentured servant when I was first hired. I thought she was joking. Now I know she meant it.
Anyway....not so sure there is another job like that in existance. Beth, I'm an infant when it comes to these things. It must be true that I have ability. It is starting to show, even to me, in this assignment I'll soon be finishing up with. I just think I still have a lot of inner work to do. But I may soon start working on that resume. I will ask you for advice when I do, though, okay? Beth, where do you think your confidence came from? Have you always had it? I never have.
The socializing at work. Well, we do have parties for certain things--promotions, transfers, retirements, holidays, etc. It seems to me that most people, though, hate work enough that they do the social stuff FIRST, then, if they feel like it, do their work. If someone like me hasn't done it for them already. I don't think I will ever understand that. It seems illegal to me. I mean, you get paid to do a job. I'm pretty lazy at home. I guess I think I
have to work at work. I'm not the only one with this type of work ethic. But we seem to be in the minority.
This thing my boss does is really different, though. It is like she is in the old country. For her everything comes to a halt for about 45 minutes every afternoon and she and the supervisors sit around a table and eat and chat. Then the unlucky supervisor who feels like she should actually do her job, then stays at work until 8 or 9 every night to catch up on the stuff she needed to do instead of eating. I've never seen this before. I just don't see the point.
I do like cookies though. I will eat them if offered
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