Author Topic: Big time backsliding today  (Read 9966 times)

pennyplant

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Re: Big time backsliding today
« Reply #15 on: January 29, 2007, 08:17:02 PM »
One thing, just one I'd disagree with, Penny: that this isn't a big thing. It's huge, to have the rug pulled out from under you, to get hit with so much institutionalized cowardice, B.S., and injustice just because it's the easy way out for those 'in charge'. You're right, it's not about you, but that doesn't make it any less a gut-wrenching undeserved betrayal after all your hard work.

Thank you for this, JaySee.  Even my customers are appalled that I am being pulled out so soon.  They like me already and it doesn't make sense to them what has happened.  It just seems out and out foolish to them.  It is also funny how many of my co-workers already know about it before they have talked to me.  It's kind of a touchstone event, for now at least.  I'm sure something will come along soon to top it.  It won't be long.  But that should tell me something.

I should clarify my "nationality" comment.  I think maybe I should have said ethnicity.  Maybe someone else can define it better.  Basically, where I'm from a lot of people are Italian and Polish.  They tend to live in their own neighborhoods and have kept some of their culture.  They were relatively recent immigrants and many still remember the discrimination that met them here throughout the 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s.  Though my family is also relatively recent and therefore not one of the old families that bought up the land in the 1800s and became the establishment, I am a WASP.  So, when my boss is bonding with some of the employees over deli meats, breads and Italian cookies in her office, and some of us are running around doing the work and basically not really understanding the need to break bread at work at 2pm every afternoon, it just occurs to me I might be better off if I could understand this particular cultural thing.  It seems like I have to work harder at being "in".  I'm just not much good at that.  It's just hard to see the boss going out of her way to feed pizzelles to Salvatore and speak Italian comfort words with him, when he is one of the nutsier people I work with.  Pretty sure I can't file a discrimination claim about it, though.  Maybe I should just eat the cookies, hmmm?

"We all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun."
John Lennon

gratitude28

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Re: Big time backsliding today
« Reply #16 on: January 29, 2007, 08:28:54 PM »
I think that's something I run into too... not "hanging out" at work too much. Maybe because of the authoritative tone in my house, work was always supposed to be a place where you did a good job, were pleasant, and got what you needed done. Socialization was OK in the context of a meeting or such. I remember when I left my job in Italy, one of my "superiors" asked me, "Aren't you even going to miss the school at all." The fact was, I did and do miss it, but somehow I can't show too much emotion at work. I always figure people will know I like the job/work/coworkers just by my dedication and willingness to do what they want/need. I don't know if this is a character flaw or a good thing.
Eat the cookies if they are yummy, Penn.
Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

pennyplant

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Re: Big time backsliding today
« Reply #17 on: January 29, 2007, 09:00:36 PM »
It requires confidence, and with your skills, you should have confidence.

This is the thing, Beth.  I should have confidence, but I don't.  I really, really don't have a lot of confidence.  I think I used to be able to cover that up.  But one of the things I have noticed about myself the last several years is this strange weakness in me.  Or maybe it is fatigue.  I feel kind of like a waif.  Other people can pick up something else about me and tend to assume I am confident.  Some people resent me because I seem like something that I know I am not.  When I was first hired where I work, people immediately said oh, you'll go into management.  I didn't understand how they could say this.  I was hired as a temp.  I made half the money they made and did all the grunt work.  I mean I got filthy and sweaty.  I didn't understand anything.  But I tried to.  I made sure to learn my job.  I seemed inexhaustable.  That is from my point of view.  Nobody has ever told me what it was they picked up about me right away.  Maybe it is the way I talk.  I can sound like I am knowledgeable.


I always make sure I really want it before I get hired.

Okay, this is the other thing.  Maybe even the main thing.  I don't know what I want anymore.  Ever since I walked off a job I loved in 2001, I have been unable to decide what I really want to do.  Even though I grew to hate my N-boss, I loved the job itself.  I worked in a history dept.  I got to do research and do desktop publishing.  It was very creative and interesting.  It was full-time, civil service, with benefits.  It was exactly what I think I was meant to do, or something very close.  After I walked off, people tried to help me with a job search.  They would say, What kind of job do you want?  And I would immediately think, I want the job I had.  But I just couldn't spend one more second with that N.  Probably if she wasn't N, that job would never have existed in the first place.  She is the only municipal historian in the state with a staff and a budget like the one she has.  Historians tend to be part-time, or even volunteer.  The state mandates that municipalities have them.  But they are often a low priority department, under parks and recreation.  But because of her persistantly me, me, me outlook in life, she manages to get a great deal of attention and funding.  Always thinking, what can I get them to give me.  And I was one of the things they could give her.  She introduced me as her indentured servant when I was first hired.  I thought she was joking.  Now I know she meant it.

Anyway....not so sure there is another job like that in existance.  Beth, I'm an infant when it comes to these things.  It must be true that I have ability.  It is starting to show, even to me, in this assignment I'll soon be finishing up with.  I just think I still have a lot of inner work to do.  But I may soon start working on that resume.  I will ask you for advice when I do, though, okay?  Beth, where do you think your confidence came from?  Have you always had it?  I never have.

The socializing at work.  Well, we do have parties for certain things--promotions, transfers, retirements, holidays, etc.  It seems to me that most people, though, hate work enough that they do the social stuff FIRST, then, if they feel like it, do their work.  If someone like me hasn't done it for them already.  I don't think I will ever understand that.  It seems illegal to me.  I mean, you get paid to do a job.  I'm pretty lazy at home.  I guess I think I have to work at work.  I'm not the only one with this type of work ethic.  But we seem to be in the minority.

This thing my boss does is really different, though.  It is like she is in the old country.  For her everything comes to a halt for about 45 minutes every afternoon and she and the supervisors sit around a table and eat and chat.  Then the unlucky supervisor who feels like she should actually do her job, then stays at work until 8 or 9 every night to catch up on the stuff she needed to do instead of eating.  I've never seen this before.  I just don't see the point.

I do like cookies though.  I will eat them if offered  :mrgreen: .

"We all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun."
John Lennon

Stormchild

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Re: Big time backsliding today
« Reply #18 on: January 29, 2007, 10:37:07 PM »
Penny, you're getting all kinds of good feedback here... and I'm bouncing up and down on my chair because I think I might know a couple jobs you would absolutely love. Not actual places of employment darn it, but types of work.

I'll PM you, I don't want to disrupt what's going on here, it's good stuff.

((((((((((Pennyplant))))))))))
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gratitude28

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Re: Big time backsliding today
« Reply #19 on: January 29, 2007, 10:55:33 PM »
I think CB hit the nail on the head, Penny... I am not confident - I just pretend I am. We call it "Fake it til you Make it" in AA... and that is what I've learned to do. The fact is, like you said, we ARE among those few who work and work hard. I know THAT about myself. So I know that even if I have to figure it out, I will, and I will be good at it. You are the same...

My husband had the HARDEST time in Italy. He went in Marine-time (unGodly hour)... no one was there of course. He worked with people from all diff countries and they all took breaks at different times. And breaks were the stuff of life. And everyone kicked off work early. He was crazy trying to get his normal amount of work done. It was almost funny. If he weren't so much like me, I would have told him to relax and enjoy it.

Smooches,
Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

Sela

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Re: Big time backsliding today
« Reply #20 on: January 30, 2007, 01:06:48 AM »
Hiya Penny:

Tough stuff you're going through right now and I haven't much to offer at all but I just wanted to say that I think you've come a long way from "backsliding" because you've really anaylized the whole scenario and you sound so aware of your own personal stuff.  No fun processing all the feelings you've described and I'm sorry you've had to.   There has to be place for you either within that company or some other place where you will be valued and feel comfortable....even content.    I hope very much that the opportunity will come to you very soon.

Re confidence:  I think lot's of people would have difficulty with this under the circumstances.  No one rewards your hard work or pays attention to your accomplishments.  One thing that might help is to really do this for yourself?   When you do a good job or extra work or complete difficult tasks......take a moment to acknowledge your hard work....your ability.....your determination and success.  Pat yourself on the back mentally/emotionally and celebrate a little .....put a flower on your desk .... or some other reminder that tells you you are worthy of praise for a job well done.   Plus the memory of the good job you did willl be there for you the next time your are given a difficult assignment .....to kind of give you a boost.

By the sounds of it....the people you work with aren't going to change so that leaves the change up to you (How many times has thaaaaaaaaat been said on the board? ).  A little at a time.  Maybe small steps will help you to feel more trust and faith in yourself?    And possibly help you to decide what you want and how to get it?

((((Penny))))

Sela

Hopalong

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Re: Big time backsliding today
« Reply #21 on: January 30, 2007, 09:01:57 AM »
Hey Penny,
When I was hired once to do editing at a huge multinational billions-earning corporation that had researched every single factor possible about employee productivity, the HR person said, well, yes, they've studied in from every direction and the bottom line is that nobody expects an employee to be fully focused and producing more than six hours out of an eight-hour day anyway. So we build our production around that estimate.

That was very interesting. And you know what? People worked when they worked and when tey didn't they let themselves let it go. Place continues to make literally billions.

(Without me, I was bored to death. But, it's another view of "hardworking.")

In my case work is a wonderful anesthetic against facing some of the more painful parts of my life.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

pennyplant

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Re: Big time backsliding today
« Reply #22 on: January 30, 2007, 08:01:45 PM »
So many good ideas here for me to contemplate.  I think I'm still pretty scared to take big chances or make big changes.  How I wish I could keep feeling the way I feel when I'm in my temporary office and things are going well.  During those times it seems like I feel like the real me.  Kind of content.  But it is nothing like the place where I really work and will have to go back to after next Thursday.  Just have to keep what I have gained.  That knowing I can do things, knowing I can learn, knowing I can tackle tough stuff.

But....knowing I have to go back and spend 50 hours a week with people I can't do a thing about.  Anger about that is churning around inside me.  I guess I'm going to have to feel it.

I'm going to meet my replacement on Friday.  She sounded nice on the phone.  And she won't be all that different from me on my first day.  This will all be new to her as it was to me.  She got this, I believe, because of her connection with my new boss.  I might try to learn more about that.  Maybe it's not how I believe it to be.  Can't hurt to find out how reliable my gut is.

Thanks ((((((((all))))))))))).  You got me through a very hard patch and gave me many new ideas.  I might have to revisit this thread once I go back to the old place.  I'm expecting many triggers.  I think I have to brace myself for that.

Just keep going, hmmm?



"We all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun."
John Lennon

Hopalong

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Re: Big time backsliding today
« Reply #23 on: January 31, 2007, 08:58:19 AM »
Hey PP,
Re. the anger: sounds like a good time to go for a long walk in a field or big park and have vehement conversation with the wind. Then after you come home all tired and relaxed, meditate on this wisdom:

Quote
knowing I can do things, knowing I can learn, knowing I can tackle tough stuff.

There's only an old habitual voice inside telling you you can't. It's a habit, like putting makeup on while driving (don't ask  :shock:). Whatever it is, it's been your routine. (Get up, drink coffee, start tape: frustrated inept PP who can't manage it who is misunderstood who....). Maybe you can just get up, drink coffee, start the tape, get bored and turn it off.

(I'm not saying I'm bored with you! Not a bit. Just doing my one-note monologue fantasy, if it ain't dialogue it's monologue...)

ONLY YOU CAN PRESS THE BUTTON TO START, STOP, OR PAUSE THE TAPE.

love and hugs,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

WRITE

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Re: Big time backsliding today
« Reply #24 on: January 31, 2007, 04:44:56 PM »
lot's of great advice here, and there's a phrase jumping out at me from my subconscious-

'right livelihood'.

I mean the kind of work where you have it tailored to your life and needs and skills and most of all- passion.

It's the passion that jumps out and grabs other people because you're enthusiastic and happy and full of ideas!

When I first came to the US I did not see how I could ever make a living never mind make a living doing things which are important to me and I love then another phrase I used to use as a social worker came to mind-

'set it up'.

Things happen in stages.

My career now has happened first by volunteering in something I love, then findign ways to use my skills and build on it and the feedback I got from doing it.

I think giving out is very important for this process- with the attitude nothing is ever wasted and everything flows back into your life one way or another.

Have courage dear, you may feel let down and overwhelmed right now but when you work through this you will find like I have- stepping out into the life flow has a momentum all of its own (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

pennyplant

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Re: Big time backsliding today
« Reply #25 on: January 31, 2007, 08:17:32 PM »
Hopsy, it's a little too cold here this week for a conversation with the wind  :lol: :lol: :lol: !  That may just have to wait a little bit.  I think I'm doing pretty good with the old tapes.  At the end of work today I discovered we did something wrong on the computer and I couldn't finish today's tasks because I don't know how.....yet.  Tomorrow I will go in early, and get things lined up and find someone to teach me what to do.  Tonight I'm teaching myself not to worry about something I can't fix right this moment.  I'm teaching myself not to go off the deep end with worry.  Not to beat myself up about the mistake.  Whatever it was.  This is really a different approach for me to take with a problem.  But I will feel like I learned something, if I wake up tomorrow from a good night's sleep instead of my customary restless tossing and turning when I have goofed up something.


WRITE, "right livelihood".  Isn't that part of the noble eightfold path of Buddhism?  Or something very close to that?  And I thought I didn't remember anything from Religious Studies 101, class of 1989.  Yes, I have to find my passion.  And I like that--nothing is ever wasted and everything flows back into your life one way or another.  That is so positive.  And comforting.

Stepping out into the life flow.  I don't believe I have ever done that.  I have always been afraid or held back in some way.  Even when I was being wreckless or seemingly brave.  That was just me attempting to defeat my fear.  Without really understanding it.

I do understand this "things happen in stages".  That is a basic belief I have in life.  I have just not ever really known how to set it up.  Or I have been distracted by too many hurdles.  Wrong place, wrong time, wrong fit.  And I've been passive.  Just waiting for whatever comes along.  Not really making decisions.  Not often anyway.  It's one thing to go with the flow.  Quite another to not even try to recognize that something just isn't going to work.  Not looking for what might work.  But I never really learned about things like that as a child.  Always had to accept what little others were willing to give.  And it was often very, very little.  I guess I don't have to just accept what others are willing to part with.  I can make my own, whatever it is.

Realistically, it is going to take me awhile.  But if I'm seeing better now and hearing better now and saying better things to myself, then there really might be some movement in the right direction.

Thanks, folks, for all this.
"We all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun."
John Lennon

Gaining Strength

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Re: Big time backsliding today
« Reply #26 on: February 01, 2007, 12:43:10 PM »
Maybe even the main thing.  I don't know what I want anymore.
Bingo Penny - put some focus here.  You loved your old job.  What about it did you love?  What about this job do you like?  Make lists of the small and big things.  Include absurd things like the wallpaint or the bathroom soap or Susie in cubicle 4.  Put everything that you have liked down including the type of work - reasearching ______ .  Make a similar list about things you absolutely do not like in a workplace.  These two lists will help you begin to focus on what you want.  I suspect you don't know anymore because of your disillusionment and your past disappointments.  Let them go and just dream big for now.

While I was reading some of the posts I got this inkling that you have not lost your confidence in yourself but in how you fit in and those are two very distinct things.  I hear you express confidence in your work and your ability. 
Even my customers are appalled that I am being pulled out so soon.  They like me already and it doesn't make sense to them what has happened.  It just seems out and out foolish to them. Plus you sound confident about your work in your previous job.  Your comments suggest that the problem was your N boss not your ability. 

If I'm right and you do have confidence about your ability and your work product then that is a very diffeent animal that you have to look at. Now you need to develop confidence that you will find the right environment to work in.  The suggestions by Grattitude can be amazingly powerful.  Her reference to "Fake it until you make it" is close to what Wayne Dyar refers to as "working from the end."  You imagine yourself working in the bountiful, supportive environment doing the things you like and flourishing.  What would you be like if that were the case.  Act as if you are already doing this.  You have post AN example when your co-workers were back-biting but you didn't hear it.  Doing this "imagining" work is much like that.  There are many explanations for why this works.  Test it out in some small way and see what happens. 

You deserve more than what you have. And a valuable employer deserves to have some one like you.  I encourage you to believe that this will come to pass with in the next 2, 3 (you pick) months.  Hold this belief in your heart and mind and repeat it oftern to yourself. 

I am sure you can do this and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. - your friend - Gaining strength

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Re: Big time backsliding today
« Reply #27 on: February 01, 2007, 04:45:38 PM »
I have just not ever really known how to set it up.  Or I have been distracted by too many hurdles.  Wrong place, wrong time, wrong fit.  And I've been passive.  Just waiting for whatever comes along.  Not really making decisions.  Not often anyway.  It's one thing to go with the flow.  Quite another to not even try to recognize that something just isn't going to work.  Not looking for what might work.  But I never really learned about things like that as a child.  Always had to accept what little others were willing to give.  And it was often very, very little.  I guess I don't have to just accept what others are willing to part with.  I can make my own, whatever it is.

well that's a long paragraph but you get there yourself- you can make your own future.

The way I always set things up is to give. If I want to learn something I will give something I can do in exchange for experience or an opportunity.

It also gives me a chance to dip my toe in the water before I commit big-style with training or a job or lifestyle change.

A few weeks ago a little plaque caught my eye so I bought it and hung it by my front door so I see it every time I leave:

'create yourself a life you love'

I'll see if I can get a companion for the other side:

'and don't be discouraged by setbacks!'

pennyplant

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Re: Big time backsliding today
« Reply #28 on: February 01, 2007, 07:58:56 PM »
My goal for last night was to not worry about the computer problem waiting for me today at work.  But....I did wake up and do my usual "Keeping Myself Up the Rest of the Night" gig.

I guess that is a behavior change that will come slowly.

But once at work, I did have to practice patience and calmness in the face of worrying about solving the problem.  The person I called on for help did help, but it took him until mid afternoon to get back to me.

But I did it!  I calmly went about my other tasks and kept reminding myself that I wasn't alone with it and it would be solved by day's end.  I concentrated on things I could have an impact on and it was a very good day.  And the problem actually was mostly solved by me yesterday.  I just needed to understand what happened and I needed to give it time to reset itself.  It was just inexperience on my part.  So, I learned another new thing and practiced my calmness.  Practiced not worrying uselessly.

Oh, how I wish I could stay longer.  When I go back to my regular office, it is going to be hard to hang onto the new parts of me.  I am determined to do it somehow.  But it will be hard.  I can't pretend otherwise.

It really feels funny to be on the other side of believing in myself.  I have never been here before.  It feels good, even if unfamiliar.  Tentative too, though.  To be away from the constant distractions and the schoolyard atmosphere is such a gift.  To have an environment that brings out the best in me is also a gift.  How to keep it? 

Got a nice surprise today too.  One of the people who worked with me at the beginning called just to tell me how much she enjoyed working with me.  No other reason than to say something nice to me about me.  That just blew me away.  Someone else called to check on me and the circumstances of why I had to leave.  She was disappointed in the way I was treated.  She's on my side it seems.  It feels good to have advocates.

Tomorrow the new person comes in to observe and take notes and ask questions.   I might still ask her about the political angle of how she came to replace me.  But really, I'm more interested in showing her around and answering her questions and teaching her ways to make it easier to learn her new duties.  It seems exciting to me on some level.  I hope I can keep tapping into that perspective tomorrow and not be triggered into thinking about how I got hurt.  This is so new to me to not be obsessed with the getting hurt part.  It is still in there but other, better, things are distracting me from my usual obsession.  It doesn't feel as boring as I might have thought it would.  It feels related to happiness.

I will definitely take everyone's suggestions to heart.  It seems like there are possibilities out there.  I never really believed that before.

"We all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun."
John Lennon

Hopalong

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Re: Big time backsliding today
« Reply #29 on: February 01, 2007, 11:26:44 PM »
Hoo boy, PP!

That sure sounds like genuine growth and healing to me.

BRAVO. You are learning the power of choosing your thoughts.

I'm awed.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."