And now my dear CB,
Wow---your post moved me. I have been thinking about it this weekend a lot. First, it was a bit embarrassing to have my words about my fights with H posted back to me. I just hate that part of myself who was capable of that----- it is so against anything I am. But now I know a name for it. The gaslighting is SOOOO obvious in each situation. But this was necessary to help me come to a better resolve to make sure that doesn't happen again.
Your advice in each situation is golden. Woulda, coulda, shoulda. I am ashamed, but a little proud of standing up to him. At one point when he ws shoving me around, he was throwing me on our bed and I found myself just popping back up again and again. Felt like about 15 times until, after I went to kick him from getting on top of me and decided not to go that far, I got back up again, went toe-to-toe with him and told him he could NOT do that to me anymore. I would not allow him to back me into a corner again. ETC. My oldest saw that. I hate it and yet, I feel she saw something she needed to see. She came to tell me to stop fighting him because she knew I was in danger if I didn't give in. He didn't even realize she was in the room, I just calmly turned to her after being pushed down and told her it was ok, I was going to be fine, and would she please see to the others for right now? This is where his empathy mask is really evident. He would usually pretend to care ever so much about her, but in his rages, he can't think about anything but himself. This is the true person.
A couple of thoughts,
Each of these last 4-5 episodes in the lasts year or so were the direct result of assertivness. I start out assertive, he can't handle it, rages, and then I fight back. I have been shot down each time I tried in these situations because I didn't do the day-to-day preventive assertivness, let the resentment build. Got too emotional about it and then it was ugly. It is hard to be what I think is "bitchy" on a day-to-day basis. It is against my nature, but I realize it is a matter of survival now.
I ask him once to stop his porn addiction a few years back. I wasn't angry, I was assertive. I told him I wanted a divorce. He begged and cried. And pretended to be suicidal, so I stayed.
I ask him to stop raging at us after he gets business calls and calls from his FOO and mother. He pouted and tried to leave.
He always tries to leave. It is so mean to the kids.
We fought once last year because I told him I could not stay up all night with him and then be expected to get the kids out for school by myself without some craziness in the morning. I just wanted some sleep. This has been going on for YEARS. He gets mad, and leaves for work without talking. I figure, enough is enough and text him to please come get his things later that night and please don't make a scene. It was over. He is with his mom so I think maybe she will help calm him down. Nope. He races home from 10 miles away, busts through the door and proceeds to rage at me calling me all kinds of things which now he claims he can't remember because he was provoked. Among those names were crazy, irrational, delusional, lazy, rotten, stupid, a baby, crazy, crazy, crazy ETC. Pretty much anything he could think of the put me down. None of which are true. But he had me wondering. Actually had to ask my T to verify. He said no you're just dealing with an N basically.
Then a few weeks later, after deciding he thought I was in love with someone from my past (20 years ago--long story) he out-of-the-blue tells me he wants a divorce cause I am being too NICE!!! He just doesn't know when I am going to get mad at him again. He does nothing wrong. This is always his defense. I didn't DO anything! Whatever.
I just don't know which way to turn sometimes. Okay ALL THE TIME.
A couple of times, I am just blue (maybe a little PMS), and he pounces, gaslights, and then I am yelling.
It seems passive is the ONLY way and also I know that can not be anymore. I am SO frustrated!
I know I had a conclusion here, but my mind has gone blank. I think the monster is stirring, about to wake. And it is freaking me out a bit. I have been up all night with my 2 year old with a fever, who is now finally sleeping. At least I didn't have to sleep next to that energy draining vampire tonight. (NH) Anyway, I'd better check out for a bit today. I don't wanna get caught and have this one last solace ripped away from my like everything else that gives me relief. He won't allow me to write or talk to anyone. So this is it.
I'll be in again, when I can. Thanks though. You are helping me process this crap.
I hope you are getting some rest and that that mediation is coming through the pipeline this week. Take care!
((((((((((((CB))))))))))))))
Namaste,
Sunny
