These traits will lead the parent to be very intrusive in some ways, and entirely neglectful in others.
The trap for me has been in the “neglectful” areas, the areas of silence. The intrusive areas resulted in a reaction, a pushing back, the neglect resulted in paralysis.
For many years, perhaps forever, my family functioning has been to talk about me not to me. This includes a period, less than a year after my husband died, when our son was a toddler, that I was having a manic reaction to medications. It was a disastrous time for me personally and for my work which eventually collapsed as a result. The group I socialized with completely abandoned me except to talk about me among themselves and my family who tried to take my son from me and who succeeded in closing down the non-profit that I started and ran. None of those involved have ever had the courage or courtesy to talk with me about any of it. My therapist stepped in and completely saved me. He tried to intervene with the Board of Directors, which was riddled with family and friends. He was unsuccessful but ironically those who stood by me on the Board were people with whom I had had no previous relationship.
I bring up all of this "old" stuff because I recognize how the power of this ties into this "neglect" and as the power of this is beginning to loosen its grip on me, I am able to see how fear and shame, et. al. on top of the N parenting has ground me to a paralyzed halt.
from CB123's Stockholm syndrome - As we have found throughout history, the more dysfunctional the situation, the more dysfunctional our adaptation and thoughts to survive.
It has something to do with reaching out for help has led to sabotage for me, significant, debilitating sabotage. The need for help - real help - has been like revealing my vulnerabilities in war.
The need for help - paralyzing perfectionism - sabotage from friends and family. Sabotage, sabotage, sabotage.
I needed a new structure within which to work. I have one now. I have to "rebuild" by myself because the risk of sabotage is far to great, far too real. There has been nothing "benign" about neglect in my life. I have to transform myself out of the dark, low energy levels of shame and fear and failure to the higher levels of joy and accomplishment. The anonymity of this place keeps the wolves at bay and allows me to shed the dark shadows without reprisals.
Being able to bring MY story, from MY perspective alone, is extremely helpful in this healing process.