I'm not sure I want to dance with you anymore

[Portia]

Hi Wildflower. I’ve been reading you and not speaking; didn’t think I had anything to add and you seem a pretty knowing individual. Anyway I don’t know if this will help, or if others here may disagree (please do) but your paragraph way back at the beginning struck chords with me and it sounds like an N reaction. Everything below just speaks to me of huge unconscious manipulation, of her own ego and of you. You said:

I was surprised by her response to my honest feelings. She wrote a long letter apologizing for making me feel that way, that she hadn’t meant it to come across that way, and that she would try to do better.

Did she apologise or did she explain? Ns explain. They don’t say “I am sorry” with any conviction. They say “I’m sorry BUT this is why….” And use an explanation (no personal responsibility for what happens).

I replied immediately with the thought of encouraging her and being open and honest with her. The email I got back, though was very strange and surreal. She was almost jolly.

Sounds like she just went into ego-protect mode. She’d heard enough truth and went into ‘light’ mode to deflect any more truth. See, she’d done her bit with an explanation and in her mind that’s it, finished, over. She wants to go back into what it was like before. She won’t really consider your words and thoughts, she reacting to the immediate situation and doing damage-limitation. Then she can go back to her world!

She said things like, she was fine now and it was all because of me. And she was so encouraged that I’d “jumped in to save her”. On Monday morning she didn’t have the strength to go to the store, but now, thanks to me, she could go to the store and go to work tomorrow and Friday.

And this is the killer for me.  She makes you well aware that her state of mind, her life for God’s sake, depends on you (it does not). That makes me mad. She should grow up. She should worry once in a while about your state of mind! Oh I could go on but I reckon you get the picture?

Q for you: do you ever wish you could be a fly on the wall and see what she does when nobody else is around? Or when you’ve spoken to her and she’s upset? I wonder, I wonder….

Sorry this is way out of sync with your thread but I wanted to give you an alternative reading. And I wanted to say Wildflower, I love the way you respond to people here with consideration and thoughtfulness – and so quickly, you put me to shame (I can’t reply every time, there isn’t time!) – and you have all this to deal with, which I don’t. Just saying your style is much appreciated. And you don’t have to reply, ok?! Hope you’re going to pamper or treat yourself and just do whatever you want to. Look after yourself, listen to what the others here have said about taking care of you: forget your mother for a week or so. You are allowed to (coz we say so!!!! ) P

PS. Hey I’ve probably missed some important parts in your story that others have addressed and that may make my assumptions above redundant. If I have missed or mis-read, please accept my apology in advance. I’m just picking on one paragraph and reacting big time!

[Wildflower]

Hi Portia,

Thanks for your posting.  I know you said not to reply, but, but...  

It's possible that my mom in an N, and that's something I've struggled with over the past few months as I work through my own childhood issues (I was never really allowed to have my own problems because hers were always bigger than mine).  I think what I'm learning here, though, is that it just might not matter.  I simply can't deal with feeling responsible for her well-being.  

Something that I haven't really been able to voice rose to the surface today: an old thought that's been banging around in my head and encouraging me to reach out to my mom and help her.  "I see myself in her, and it was so hard for me to struggle through, and there was no one there to support me.  But maybe I could be there to support her and lessen her suffering."

Oof.  I see myself in her?  Or I see her in me?  Big difference.

Sounds like she just went into ego-protect mode. She’d heard enough truth and went into ‘light’ mode to deflect any more truth. See, she’d done her bit with an explanation and in her mind that’s it, finished, over. She wants to go back into what it was like before. She won’t really consider your words and thoughts, she reacting to the immediate situation and doing damage-limitation. Then she can go back to her world!

I think that's exactly what happened in that last email.  I feel silly now for not realizing it, but even if she's not an N, she can't change overnight, and I can see how she might have wanted to end the conversation.  Truth is, I didn't want it to go on either, but I also didn't want her positive response to go unrecognized, and her apology unaccepted.

Yes darling wasn’t that a wonderful story about how I nearly killed myself driving with no hands on the wheel/sleeping with a man who had blood stains all over his bed (was he the serial killer?) but don’t you worry, I’m fine now and you don’t have to worry about me ok? But just let me tell you about what happened…

She does this to me all the time!!!  The last time was when she went out after a hurricane to do some beachcombing.  In flip-flops.  And surprise...she stepped on a rusty nail and had to go to the emergency room.  Never mind the fact that a uniformed officer stopped her and told her it was dangerous to be out in the debris because of, well, contents under pressure (heart attack).  At least I'll be ready when I have teenagers of my own, I guess   .

Wildflower

P.S. - Thanks for the writing comments.  It's important to me not to forget others no matter how much I'm going through - 'cos there'd be a lot of time to forget others if I did   .

P.P.S. - I was just thinking for a little bit and this surfaced   .  Going back to rest mode.