For me, parties symbolize popularity and self-confidence.
As dysfunctional and awkward as my FOO was, we did always celebrate birthdays and the holidays. In fact, I very much looked forward to my birthday and Christmas because those were generally the only times things were bought for me (other than for a new school year or necessities). It was also exciting to have people over. I still enjoyed my relatives back then. There were no fights that I was aware of. My mother didn't like my father's family, but it never caused any obvious problems that I could see as a child. We did certain things with one side and certain things with the other side.
Always had a cake and gifts on our birthdays. One year my mother asked an aunt to bake each of us one of those cakes that had a doll in the center and the cake part was her gown. I seem to remember getting those cakes because my mother was kind of envious of the aunt's daughter having one. Don't know if I'm on the mark about that or not. Just a faint memory of the motivation.
A very memorable birthday for me was when I turned 8. It was the last week of second grade and I came home from school and the front door was locked and all the drapes were drawn. That was very unusual. The reason was that my mother had made a surprise party for me. The guests didn't even know that was what they were doing that day after school as my mother had called the parents and asked them to keep it a secret. Lots of decorations, refreshments, games, etc. In my picture of it, I look a little overwhelmed. My sister is showing off for camera and guests. I have no idea how my mother came up with the idea to make it a complete surprise. I don't know if I had been asking for a party or she got the idea from a magazine or TV. Even at that age I seem to remember being surprised that so many kids came. I think this all took place before my mother realized that some of the neighborhood parents did not have a high opinion of us. Or maybe it was before the general consensus turned against us. Probably that is it.
Since I got a party that year, my sister also had one a month later for turning 7. In the picture, the party is a little less elaborate but she looks happy. It wasn't a surprise, of course. I'm sure my sister would have had tantrum and after tantrum if my mother had kept it a secret, because she would have thought she wasn't getting one. If I had a party, she had to have one too.
After that, the birthdays were just a couple close friends and special meals, cakes, and gifts. For the "party" we had one picnic in the summer for relatives and this picnic was always held in the month of my sister's birthday so she wouldn't be offended that it was held on my birthday a month earlier. But it was for both of us.
As time wore on and I had more and more problems with peers, I stopped even wanting parties. I did not have a sweet 16 or a graduation party. It never occurred to me that I would be able to successfully invite and entertain enough people to make it into a party. I could have had a graduation party. My mother asked me about it. But I felt it would be relatives only and that would just rub it in my face how unpopular I was. I did start having friends again after a horrible 9th grade. But it was very tentative at that time. So, I went to several graduation parties for other people. Then a month later I got pregnant.
There were no showers ahead of time as I was planning to give up the baby. But when I changed my mind and kept him, my aunt (the one who made the doll cakes) threw a shower for us with the family, and other people gave gifts individually.
When we got married three years later, this same aunt gave us a wedding shower with a wedding cake (because we were going to a justice of the peace) and we also received individual gifts.
We have always done something, usually a party, for our kids' birthdays. A graduation party for each of them as well. I insisted with our oldest and it was all family and family friends. He didn't invite anyone from school as things had deteriorated socially for him by then. But he seemed to not mind that we had the party that we had. He tolerated it, anyway, and was polite and sociable to everyone.
It's funny how mixed up I get at birthdays and holidays in general. I always hated my mother's insistence that everything be EQUAL with my sister and me. Always gave gifts to our sons with their individuality in mind. Trying to keep things reasonably even. But it is hard and sort of triggers anxiety in me.
We just did a birthday weekend which involved a very nice dinner out and regular gifts plus items our son had asked for that he needs in his new place. We spent quite a bit actually. And the thought popped into my mind--I usually give the oldest son (in NYC) a check for $100 dollars so he can get what he wants or go out to eat. And I got anxious thinking, that is only half what we spent on A. Plus, the time we spent together. Oldest son has been far more "expensive" in general due to choices made. So, we have probably really been "shortchanging" the youngest if it was only dollars that you counted. But the thought of sending only $100 to C is still bothering me. I want to double it this year for some reason. Then I think, will he wonder why it is more this year? And what does that mean if the answer is, it's more because your little brother got a lot this year? This really bothers me. I was thinking of writing on the card, we have been getting lots of overtime this year (true) and decided to send more than usual. Then I start to think, well why were we so stingy in past years? We make more money now but also have more bills. So, what is really going on with my thoughts and anxiety?
If this is bothering me so much, it must be for a deeper reason. Just hard to figure out if the reason is issues from my childhood or issues from C's childhood. Both I'd imagine.
My husband's family actually forgot his birthday one year when he was a little boy. It came and went with not so much as whisper. It has never been mentioned in fact. He was so hurt by that, he just keeps it bottled up inside. One year his father mailed him a birthday card, but he mailed it in time for his older brother's birthday six weeks later. His mother still sometimes forgets to send him a card or call yet at one time she used to make a big deal out of remembering my birthday. That made me angry and uncomfortable. Neither one of us ever said anything though. I guess we would feel funny "demanding" a birthday. Oh boy.
I think this is a sad topic. I don't like to make a big deal out of my birthday. But if it were completely forgotten I would be hurt. I guess it is one of those things you shouldn't have to ask your family for. Yet, I do know people who have to do just that.
Pennyplant
