Thought of Something Today I Have Never Thought of Before

[quietkate]

When I was 17-years-old (1970), a virgin, and dating someone I thought I might marry, we wanted to have sex.  I asked my family doctor if he would be willing to prescribe me birth control without telling my parents.  He did so.  And then he called and told them. 

My n mother went into her Southern Belle mode yelling, screaming, crying (she was allowed to express emotions; I wasn't), "If you get pregnant you will go away to have that baby and give that baby up.  You won't stay here to embarass your sister."  (the point behind asking my doctor for birth control was that I did not want to become pregnant. . .)

She demanded that I give her the prescription, said that she would have it filled, and that I WOULD take it.(again, my original idea . . .)

I was beaten and kept home from school for a week.

The next morning, with my father there to guard me, mother went down to the library and checked out the six books that had to do with sex.

She walked in the door, placed them on the coffee table, and said, "You will stay home for a week.  You will read every word in these books.  I may have raised a whore, but I will raise the best educated whore in Litchfield."

Several years previously,  when my paternal grandfather died, I added the dates up and learned that my paternal grandmother had had a child out of wedlock at the age of 16 in about 1912.  I learned that my Aunt Beryl had been born out of wedlock.

I only thought of this today.  How might my father have thought being a witness to this drama and knowing that the mother he loved and I loved had had a child out of wedlock?

I know that he grew up in a home with alcohol abuse and learned to make himself small and silent to avoid the abuse.  My father  --  who I love  --  would go a mile out of his way to avoid any sort of conflict.  When he committed suicide, it made perfect sense to me.    That is the ultimate way of avoiding conflict.

I don't know why I never thought of this until today.  Maybe my father was as voiceless as I was?

I want to thank you all for your posts.  I have ordered two books that you have recommended to me. 

It is much easier to not deal with this than it is to deal with it. 

Thank you all again.

                                                                 KATE

[dandylife]

Kate,
It is so important to keep our voice - and use it! This brings up a storm of memories for me, too. Telling my mom I was molested by a man I babysat for at 15 and she said Oh you must have asked for it - don't embarrass us by saying something. (He's now president of the state builders assoc. very respected, though I talked to another girl at my school who he did it to.) And then regressing back to age ? 4 or so when the doctor put his hand down my pants and I told my mom and she said he 'must have had a reason' for doing that - he was investigated, fired and sued by many after that happened. (!) I guess even when we use our voice it may not be heard. But keep voicing! That's our only shot, right?
Dandylife

[isittoolate]

My goodness, quietkate and dandylife,

What a generational thiing. .. out of wedlock and molestation.

My daughter was born out of wedlock and I 'disgraced the family'. I was trying to keep this quiet but..... then the condemnation came from siblings as well, except my brother.

My siblings  (4) each had 2 children within the confines of marriage and each child took longer than 9 months, from the date of marriage, to be born.

Then my little b****** marries and has her children within the confines of marriage and all my siblings' children lived common-law, had babies before marriage, had to get married, one had 4 children before marrying their father, and divorece is rampant, even my daughter. Seemed to me I needed an apology!

quietkate: Did the doctor call your mother because you were not 18?  Nowadays some topics ought to be off limits in case we put out feet in our mouth! Some [older] women cannot talk about sex.

dandylife: How terrible to have your mother dismiss 'things' the way she did.

My mother was the same but I chose to be different. When my daughter came home for lunch one day, she asked, "Mom, What is a "blow-job?" I nearly croaked. I asked a couple of questions to make sure we were on the same page, as I made lunch and finally we were at the table eating tuna salad sandwiches when I came to the botton line

She goes "BLAH!" She spit out her bite of sandwich. "Did you have to tell me that when I was eating?"

I wonder if she remembers that?????
Izzy

[Overcomer]

Yes, I think dysfunctional families are all about "looking" good.  My mom never EVER came to my defense if I was wronged.  If a teacher said something, well, THEY were the authority figure, the teacher so we have no right to ask them anything........well, when I felt my daughter was wronged I called right up and accused the teacher of rigging something.  She didn't and I probably went overboard, but I would be damned if I was not going to stand up for my children!!!!  My mom had a child very young and we always thought she was pregnant before marriage but we figured out she probably got pregnant right after she ran away with her boyfriend.  That made my bro feel much better to know he wasn't  illegitimate!!!

The thing I find funny is in my mind I would think back in the late 1800s and the early 1900s none of that stuff happened......but we all know it did.....we just looked at those old photos of the women with necklines up to their ears and dresses to the floor.....never smiled...........how could they run out back and get laid in the barn???

[WRITE]

How horrible, such an insensitive invasion on your private life like that.

No one ever has the right to treat someone like this, not in the name of love, or parenting, or morality or any other excuse someone tries to use to legitimise abusive acting out.

Whenever I hear about behaviour or arguments like this it makes me angry and sad- but some of the politicians and church-leaders and community figures will still say these things today.

Any attempt to humiliate or embarrass or shock another is abusive.

It was their issues they were really revealing of course, not yours but you couldn't know that for a long time and I am sure it scared and scarred you.

Suicide seems like the ultimate response to unvoiced agony, unfortunately it is so loud and so far-reaching that it hurts everyone around for a long time.

Good to have you here Kate.

[quietkate]

Thank you all.

I am very new here, but I feel like FINALLY I have found friends who understand what I went through.

My younger brother and sister worship Saint Mom, but their experience with her was not at all like mine.

                                      KATE

[isittoolate]

Keel posting kate,

This is a great place.

xxoo
Izzy

[debkor]

Arrrrg,, It baffles me and angers me to hear this. Such creepy people out there and still out there. You little voices shh'd for appearance sake.
My daughter and her friend were taking knife point when they were 8yrs old in the woods by a 17 year old neighbor boy.
He did nothing to them Thank God.  He was prosecuted and put in boot camp due to the age difference.  My daughter and her friend were taken into the court room separately and told they didn't have to look at him just point. They both looked at him in his eyes and said with their finger out. That's him.  I felt sorry for his mother she was crying and telling us she was sorry. He had been terribly abused by his real father.

Love Deb

[quietkate]

Testing . . .1 . . .2 . . .3

[Leah]

Are you experiencing a technical problem on the board Kate??

[quietkate]

Yes, Leah, I did have a computer glitch.  I think . . .

I have no formal computer training, and this particular website has mystified me a time or two.

I am glad to share experiences with you as it seems like we went through pretty much the same things.

My original post was the first time I shared this with anyone.  I was so ashamed or forced to feel ashamed.

I have a brother and sister who worship our mother and don't understand why I don't.  Well, they weren't raised the way I was.

Too much pain to post anymore, but I think that that is a good thing.  For so many years I didn't feel anything . . .

[Leah]

If you need any help re: computer just shout up.

Too much pain to post anymore, but I think that that is a good thing.  For so many years I didn't feel anything . . .

Understand how you feel ((( Kate)))

Yes, it is a good thing, the numbness is wearing off, just as mine did, so now you are at the place of being able to slowly and gently work through your pain and angst, whilst on your journey of realization and healing.

So I encourage you to gently take a step at a time and gently toddle a long a bit.

Post as and when you feel able to.

My very best wishes,

Leah xx

[quietkate12001]

Rod McKuen wrote a poem once.  It went something like this:

"It's nice to open up the heart and feel a little pain sometimes.  It proves you're still alive."

I am amazed at the anger and pain inside of me.

You are all a blessing to me.  Thank you.

I don't want to work through the anger and pain, but I won't be whole until I do.

                                                         KATE

[spyralle]

Wow all this has resonated with me massively...  here are my contributions:

When I was about 9 or ten I was out playing with my friend and we were touched by a man...  we went to tell our parents and I literally remember my mother brushing me away with a broom..

When I was bullied at 12 or 13 my mother sided with the bully....

when I was 19 or 20 I too was thinking of going on the pill.  My mother found my diary and nearly had a breakdown tearing it to shreds.......  I had to live in my bedroom for a week...

I got pregnant very young...  My mum had me married within 6 weeks..in the dress she chose at the place she chose weith the rings she chose.  Yes she paid for it all.. then again so did I!!!!!  Oh by the way.. she insisted my brother was best man..

When it came to choosing Godparents she informed me that I could not possibly have the people we chose as they were not religious enough.  It would have to be my parents or nothing...  Then she proceeded to invite her drunken unreligious friends to be godparents also..  They read a prayer that they had taken off their toilet wall..

so I am with you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Spyralle x

[quietkate12001]

Yes, spiryalle, our experiences are similiar,

Everything you say resonates with me also.

Since I was my mother's target, I thought that there was something wrong with me since she seemed to get along with everyone else in the family but me.  On the other hand, I got along with everyone but her.

Pain, pain, layers of pain.

Sinful, shameful.

I can't change them, so I have to walk away.

Please keep posting and helping me.

                                                                               KATE