silence

[Overcomer]

Right now I have to say that the silence is killing me.  I do not get a response from the people who I have been interviewing with.  I pray for some kind of a sign from God and I hear nothing.  The phone doesnt ring, no one responds to my posts, I have been having nightmares which can only be described as a plea for someone to listen to me and validate that I am here and that I count.  I also had a dream that people were judging my Christianity because they didnt approve of my line of music.

[mudpuppy]

Hi Kelly,

I have found learning to wait, especially waiting in silence, the hardest lesson to learn.
I have also found that my struggles to end the waiting for a response don't help much.

Sometimes we cross a desert, sometimes a meadow.
God is our validation in either one, even when He is silent. Even His silences have a purpose. Unfortunately we have to wait to find out what it is.

mud

[Leah]

Right now I have to say that the silence is killing me.  I do not get a response from the people who I have been interviewing with.  

That does all too often happen, no call, no feedback, and no letter - human resources claim it's all due to volume of applicants, fair enough, but for the interviewee, it's a tough one to live through and accept.

Acceptance, of this as the norm, maybe the only coping strategy with regards to engaging in interviews.  Know all too well the feeling of expectancy and anticipation lost.

Fortunately, you are currently employed which elevates desperation.

Maybe, those jobs were not right for you and as your continues, you might consider taking a look at the criteria of jobs you applied for, against what you truly desire in your new job / role.

Employment / Recruitment Consultation with an agency, might be worth thinking about - it's free.

I pray for some kind of a sign from God and I hear nothing.

God is not obliged to give signs.  This subject is a lengthy one.

The phone doesn't ring, no one responds to my posts.

Which posts?? here on the board?

I have been having nightmares which can only be described as a plea for someone to listen to me and validate that I am here and that I count.

Do you mean validate you here on this board ??

I also had a dream that people were judging my Christianity because they didnt approve of my line of music.

Has anyone actually expressed judgement to you regarding your choice of music?


Leah xx


Mud has perfectly expressed what I nervously lacked the boldness to say. 


What I needed to learn and accept was, "Be Still and Know that I am God" "Wait upon the Lord"

[Gaining Strength]

Kelly,

Mudpuppy words are words of wisdom.  When I have forced decisions out of desparation I have forced decidsions which caused ever so much more pain.  As a youth I had NO understanding of how to wait on God and I was truly desparate and lost - not the least of which came from the fact that I had a family that was everything on all outward appearances and yet gave me zero support psychologically or emotionally.  I did not know how to hear God's voice and waiting seemed a worse choice than acting.  And, I might add, that I never would have seen my decisions as made out of desparation - thought I recognize it now.

In these past years where I have lived in despair I have learned to trust God and I am continueing to trust him even though I cannot see my way out.  That trust is simply faith.  The are promises made throug God's word and I am trusting in Him to fulfill them.  As I was headed home a few miinutes ago I was thinking about this very thing.  I was thinking about how God has a divine purpose for us all and that even though I have a tendancy to feel that my life has been a waste I know it hasn't because I know that God has a plan for me.  So I must continue to pursue my emotional and physical healilng with zeal and trust God.  

That is what I hear Mudpuppy saying to you.  It is not easy but as I feel the anxiety over my present circumstances and I am able to give them over to God I feel the burden shift - maybe just a liittle and sometimes significantly but each bit is real and with each occassion my trust in Him grows.  

I have just this week had a real shift and I am giving thanks.  And I am certain that it is because I have given my faith to God in spite of my inablity to see my way out.  I am not particularly knowledgeable about the bible but I do know there are many passages about God leading his people out of the wilderness.  I encourage you to find some of those passages and read them and give thanks to God that you are being led by Him.  Gratitude is a remarkable way to shift your attention.  I am trying to develop a regular practise of being grateful for 5-10 small, specific things each day.  It shifts my perspective from the loss and pain that I have experienced so fully.

I encourage you to do this.  You clearly need a shift in your perspective away from the fear.  - your friend - GS

[Overcomer]

Thank you, Mud, Leah and GS.............I feel heard.  I agree, Mud, that if I force something, it won't work out.  This is evidenced in a situation I had earlier in my life.  I broke up with a boyfriend and my nmom proceeded to try to fix him..............to make sure I was free of him, I met and married my now husband in six months.  Some of you who know my story know he is an alcoholic and I jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire.  So I know that forcing things will not work.  In fact, I just saw they reposted my job on careerbuilder.  My first instinct was to apply again but I am done.  They must think I am desperate since every time it is posted I apply.  They should have hired me already but because they have chosen not to, I can only thank God that he is protecting me from something!!!

Leah.  Yes, sometimes I post and no one responds.  Probably because it is getting old and I am complainging about this same old job thing.  Enough is enough.  But when I post and get no response, I feel all alone.  And the dream?  No I don't think it was directed towards this board, per se, just my life in general.  I don't feel heard or validated in many arenas.

I think my melancholy attitude is a feeling of helplessness.  I know that where I really belong is in the business I already work in.  My daughter even said to me, "Mom, they need you there......."  And it is true.  I am the brains behind the place but I feel absolutely hand tied to make a decision or to run the place.  My nmom has to "be in charge" but everyone at work realizes that she creates work just to look important and seem productive.  But all of her "work" is counterproductive to the store as a whole.  She is 70 years old and should retire but she feels worthless if she isn't well thought of and working.  Plus we have added my aunt which is a drain on payroll and she doesn't get it even after 15 months.  We pay her more than most and she is a burden on the business.  If I could get rid of mom and aunt I could run this business and feel so good about myself.  But now, I feel like I am in prison.  That is why it has been so important to me to get out of there.  I have this idea that if I get a job I can finally shine.  I know I am good at what I do but of course, my nmom never validates me so I don't get those all important positive strokes that everyone needs.

And God giving me a sign?  Maybe by not getting the job is His way of saying NO.  But I don't want to hear no.  I want to hear YES.  But again, if I am forcing the issue and settling for something that won't be good for me in the long run, than thank God He is not allowing me to do that.  But I just need peace.  I need that peace that transcends all understanding.  But it is not there.  I want to cry and I am not even PMSING!!!

The other dream?  About rock music not being Chrisitan?  No, that was just a silly dream.  The reason all these dreams are bothering me is that when I wake up I am so angry.  I am just so angry at people for being narrow minded and for not acknowledging me.......maybe that is how God is speaking to me.  He is saying "get a hold of this anger, Kelly!!!!!"  "Trust Me!!"  But I feel so helpless.  I just want to feel good about myself.  I want my mom out!!!  I even prayed that my aunt would get an inheritance so she would quit.  I know she doesn't want to work there but she needs the money.  It was the path of least resistance for her.  She didn't even try to get a job anywhere else.  She KNEW she could not work hard here and we wouldn't push her out!!!  We should have said no!!  We don't hire family!!!

[Lupita]

Hi Overcomner,
was looking at your posts and I found one that had 52 replies. This has also several replies.
Sometimes, when we are starving, nothing satisfy our appetite. When we are hungry for love, the same. I can assure you that we read your posts and many people respond. I did not have anything to contribute to your other post.
Here, i can tell you that I know what you are going through. It causes a great deal of anxiety to wait for a call. I interviewed with 20 schools to get the job I have now. We have to nock on 100 doors for one to open. At the end, you only need one door. God does not give us what we want. he gives us what we need. He knows what we need.
Everybody here will pray for you and show you support.
Do not get desperate. God feeds the birds, and will feed us too. I will pray for you.
Love,
Lupita

[Overcomer]

Thanks Lup:  I know, I know, poor little Kelly.  I feel like Rose in the Titanic.  Has everything.  Money.  A good future.  But she feels unheard.  She says something like she is in the middle of her room screaming and no one is listening.  I feel like that.  I feel like if I could break away from my nmom and her oppression, then when I am 100 years old you will see pictures of me getting an award in my new job.  And traveling.  To Europe.  And riding horses - and none of this side saddle stuff.  I want to chug beer like a man and ride horses like a man and spit like a man!!  Oh, ok, I'm getting into the roll of Rose too much.............but you know what I mean.  I just want to break free!!!

So when I saw that they posted the job AGAIN today I just wanted to croak!!  They could have hired me two months ago, been done with the training and the store would have a manager.  But NO!!  They have had no manager for almost 4 months!!  What is wrong with these people!!!!!  The first DM wanted me.......why didn't he just hire me?  Well, you are right Lup, God doesn't always give us what we want.....only what we need......and what I need right now is PATIENCE!!!  And I know that is what he is trying to teach me but AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

[Gaining Strength]

sometimes I post and no one responds.  Probably because it is getting old and I am complainging about this same old job thing.  Enough is enough.  But when I post and get no response, I feel all alone.

I feel that way sometimes too OC.  I think we feel that way because we have been voiceless for so very long.

Has everything.  Money.  A good future.  But she feels unheard.
Being heard and understood ARE the everything.

Look at your little tag line OC - you are presently "going through" - it is the way out.  Just believe, look for signs, however little, write them down in a little book so when you feel discouraged you will see that there is movement.  It adds up.

[Hopalong]

Hi OC,
I hear you too and send a hug.

Hops

[Overcomer]

 you guys rock

[Overcomer]

Well, today is Friday, March 16.  I went to Careerbuilder and guess what?  A new job was posted for a company which I would prefer to work for (over the company I have been pining about for three months..)  So I applied.  Not that I will get it but it just proved to me that this company that has been jerking me around is not the only game being played.  I don't know the specifics about this other company - I mean, the hours may be too many and the pay might not be enough so I am not completely sold on it, but I am more excited about it than any other job I have applied for.  I applied for this job once that sold novelties, costumes, etc.  I was sad when I didn't get it but I am happy now.  I have applied at several where looking back I can see it isn't good.  So if this job pans out and I get it, I will love it so much more than novelties........or beauty products.......

[Lupita]

Good for you!!!! Hopelessness is the worst. But if you keep busy, and keep aplying and gives you the sensation that you are not powerless, that there is something you can do. Then you feel much better. Keep aplying. Apply to every opening you see that you are interested. You will find your place. One door will open.
God bless you.
We are praying for you.

Love,

Lupita

[Overcomer]

Thanks!  Just like you complaining about weekends, the lack of communication is excruciating.  The good news is I told my h that I would leave him if he doesnt stop drinking and he said he would try!

[Hopalong]

Hey OC,
Tiny word of advice?

Try hard now not to obsess over the one you just applied for.

Try to LET IT GO and also try to STAY IN THE PRESENT.

Take care of what you can take care of, in the present.

What you CAN do now is try to take care of yourself emotionally AND physically.

How about working on every day gradually building some healthy new habits.
Small self care things. A 20 minute walk, rain or shine.
Some PLAY time with your child.
Attending an Al-Anon meeting.
Making one new application.
Etc.

Plan your time so these healing things will build a stronger more optimistic self and health.
This will make life feel more positive and meaningful to you even when you can't predict or control the future. It's a realistic kind of optimism that takes over when you begin to build the PRESENT.

love
Hops

[Overcomer]

Hey Hops:  Thank you.  You always try to keep me from spiraling out of control.  Not that I always listen but I should.  I have applied for several and dont care so I guess it is certain ones that ring my bell.  Plus it is the feeling of being wanted.  I guess I am needy in the needing to feel wanted area.  I guess my mere existance has been a bother to my mom for so long so when someone likes me and believes in me it feels good.  I do need to take care of myself and feel good about myself today