Dealing with today and origins of shame

[Gaining Strength]

In the past few days I have been dealing with the sources and consequences of my shame on many, many levels.

Friday, was the every other week day for lunch with my father and brothers.  One brother arrived 1/2 hour late, the other couldn't come because of a crisis with his teenaged son (a huge issue in itself) and my father arrived 1 hour late - functioning so poorly that it took him over 20 minutes to cross the street to the restaurant.

While my brother and I waited for him we had a conversation about our nephew and about our father.  about my father:  when I was married 10 years ago my father gave me a house on a river that my great grandfather had built and which we spent alot of time in during my childhood.  The house had gone to ruin and I have longed to put it right to use for weekends.  But when my father gave it to me he didn't give me any money to fix it up.  Now my father wants it back so that he can fix it up so that my brothers can take their sons down there.  When my brother brought this up I told him that I was glad that he ws going to fix it up but that I was deeply resentful that he was taking it back and that he never gave me enough money to fix it up myself.  I went on to say that I feel very strongly that my father had an obligation to tell us that after we left his house that he would not be giving us one cent.  I think he had that obligation because for generations in his family parents and grandparents had left significant sums to their children and if my grandparents had not left my father money he would currently be on the street.  I was shocked when my brother told me that my father had told my two brothers that he wasn't giving us anything.  He told them that 30 years ago - but he never bothered to tell me.

My mother's family did not have a history of inherited wealth but her father was an exceptional attorney who lived simply and invested well so that he left his daughters very comfotable.  With my aunt's death last Sept my mother inherited more than twice what she already had. 

At no point in my life have my parents helped my out financially.  There have been several times when I had good jobs (though not well paying) that my father actually sabotaged them by demanding that I do something that suited him and caused me to lose my job.  He never helped me find another job - he was clear that he did not believe in helping peole get jobs.

Last night through out the night I remembered over and over how there was never help in any areas where I struggled.  If I struggled in school I received punishment, if I struggled socially I was left to my own devices.  In no area of life was I given encouragement and direction.  As a teenager I often would take jobs.  My mother would undermine me each time.  When asked about that years later her only reply would be "I don't know."  She has refused to ever examine any of her actions as a mother.

Never held and comforted, never consoled when sad or lonely.  If failings discovered then castigated.  If successes known then belittled.  I so fully understand how I became paralyzed. 

Now that I am working throught this and making progress I am stymied as to how to get past  the overwhelming sense of rejection.  I am lost as to how to get the advise and direction that I need to get back on my feet.  The "feeling" of rejectino and condemnation is so profound in me that it is very difficult to get any positive feeling to break through.  I absolutely need to be able to access the feelings of comfort and accomplishment and hope. I don't know how to do this.  The only hope I am really familiar with is that kind of hope out of desparation.  It is not a real hope.  It is a sinking ship hoping that the $5 will pay the $2000 bill hope.  I want to know what real hope is.  How to get out of despair and into real hope. 

I am angry now.  I am fighting rejection, inadequacy, failure, criticism, condemnation, and the other aspects of shame that have plagued me throughout my life.  I am making progress.  This insight is part of that progress.  Having a place to lay out my pain is part of the healing process.  Now I am searching for a way to convert the darkness and despair into hope, drive and determination.  I have had drive and determination in the past but they were shackled to what Steve described so well as meeting my father's needs.  Perhaps all I need now is that hope that is different from the despair kind and then I could kindle the drive and determination to see it through.

I am posting because I have a fervent need to pour out my soul.  I am not really looking for advise because even in this special place we come from such different places that short blurbs can't fully describe our struggles.  But I do welcome comments if anyone is moved to offer any.

I am stronger than I was when I came in August.  And I do see that I continue to grow stronger and move towards healing.  I am still in extraordinary pain.  But I am definitely functioning better and I am at long last beginning to see some benefits.  I have so far to go but I am getting strong enough to do the work.  It is still a scary, lonely place to be.

[Overcomer]

G S:  I can not believe how much I identify with you!  Every time I read one of your posts I feel as if I could have written it myself.  Recently I told my mom that I thought it ironic that the daughter of a wealthy woman was the one who had to work full time since my kids were babies while other people at our work had the luxury of working at home.  I had a breakthrough this week-I told my mom I was not embarrassed about how merry my house was because it was more important for her that I work.

[Overcomer]

I mean messy.

[Gaining Strength]

Yesterday my son and I had a full morning.  In the afternoon we decided to get his haircut and go to the library.  My mother wanted to come along because she was lonely and doesn't know how to make plans for herself.  So I agreed for her to come.  

I am at a place in my life that I simply don't enjoy being with her.  I tried to put my finger on it.  When we were at the library my son went directly to the computers while I looked for books and other materieals that he would enjoy.  My mother is inher mid 70's and walks vey poorly.  She shuffles her feet and generally refuses to carry a cane.  Her belly is swollen and she only wears black - worn out black pants and tops which don't really match.  I guess in part I am embarrassed to be with her.  While I was at the library she simply followed me around, shuffling, as I looked at different areas in the children's section.  She didn't say anything but she followed me around.  Suddenly I realized - my mother does not initiated ANYTHING.  She doesn't add to anything, she is sort of parasitic.  It generates a rage in me that I don't understand.  The best I can come up with is that until my father left her 20 years ago she lorded over me, criticizing and demeaning me at every chance.  Because she held the money (as opposed to me) she might buy something for me but never with my input and I was expected to demonstrate gratitude.  I have a hatred towads her and i don't like that.  I think it poisons me.  

She can state an opinion and within a sentence or paragraph take an opposite view - which ever way the wind blows.  She is full of judgement and all of this makes me very angry but I don't know why.  I want her to be a person of substance, a person who gets things done.  I want to let go of my anger and frustration towards her but I don't know how.

[Gaining Strength]

I went for a walk.  I have been wanting to do that regularly.  It is difficult to get past a huge barrier of inertia.  I did.  While on the walk I thought about this stuff and I remembered that my father is plagued by perfectionism and I have been bound by it as well.  My father actually is OCD.  But the phrase that popped out at me again was - not good enough, never good enough.  As you were saying Ami, that has nothing to do with me but with the famliy system I was born into.  I have taken on that mantle and will work consciously to let it fall.  I have worked on it many times in the past but I didn't have the knowledge about shame and how binding it has been and so the perfectionism and not good enough remained bound through the web of shame.

CB one other thing that came to me was the two things that really help me move past - validation and encouragement.  I get both of those here.  You have been very helpful to me in seeing that I have been growing.  Your validation and encouragement have been truly helpful and have pushed me forward at times including today.  I am deeply thankful.

I have always seen my mother's weakness so that is not new.  But there is something that I don't fully have even yet.  I have never seen her as anything but a power to simply remove myself from - with her it is out of sight out of mind.  But perhaps the thing that I have not let go of is the need to be loved and wanted and valued.  And while that is not possible in the way I would like it with my mother - it is so much more possible with her than with anyone else and I suspect that longing has kept me attached. 

In my dreams last night I was at a boarding school.  There was a woman there perhaps a teacher or a mentor who was helping me.  She explained that here the focus was on learning - not punishing for making mistakes. Test, she explained, were for discovering how much knowledge had been attained so that the holes could be filled in and that grades would only come in the end when the learning was complete. 

It was a very encouraging experience.  I am wondering how I can incorporate it into my life.  I know how I can incoroporate it into my son's life.

[Overcomer]

GS:  I don't know about you but I think there is a generational thing with all this.  When you consider the dynamics of our grandparents with our parents and then our parents with us.  Our grandparents lived through the Depression.  My grandmother is still alive and she is 91.  She had no time for teenagers because they didn't show her and my gpa "respect."  They demanded respect - didn't earn it.  So she was the parent of my mom who was a Depression baby.  My gpa used to say things to my mom like "Oh, you set your sights too high...you need to lower your expectations where they belong...."  Things like that.  Maybe shamed.  But she was able to rise above HIS expectations because of the timing of her life.....

So then they grow up where you bought a house at $56,000 and sell it 10 years later for $200,000 (midwest.)  It was almost like that generation got all the jobs BEFORE the baby boomers came on the scene.  They reaped the money.  But they grew up in the Depression so they are kinda cheap?  I mean, my mom has always had a great house and nice cars and expensive jewelry and has gone on trips, etc.  But she doesn't share much.....only when we beg.  Does that give her a feeling that she is being altruistic?  Why doesn't she bless me with some of her wealth so I don't have to struggle so much???  You relate to this, don't you??  I have the same anger you do.  Do they get off on watching us struggle???  My mom says often......."I don't want her to have a sense of entitlement."  Entitlement.  I think we are entitled.  We paid the price with our self esteem.

GS:  WE can do this.  WE can get out of it.  It is hard, though, isn't it?  Because no matter how hard you try that seething anger is ready to boil over!  And if it doesn't boil over it simmers right below the surface and any contact with our nparents is like fingernails on a chalk board.  The mere presence of my nmom makes me angry.  I want to jump over the desk and slap her right across the face - hard - and tell her I hate her!!  So back to the "pray for your mother - like a laser beam of prayer....."  Hard to do, huh, but I suppose if we made ourselves do it we might soften up a little bit....

[cats paw]

GS-

  What a wonderful dream!  If I can borrow it for my self for a minute, I would hope that they would let me know that when learning was complete, I wouldn't feel the need for a grade.  

   When I feel sadness and, I guess, compassion for my mother, I feel very threatened.  I feel overwhelmed.  Part of that comes from old feelings from childhood.  Part of it comes from normal feelings that most everyone who has tried to help my mother feels after being with her.  I am just thankful that I have let certain conversations happen, because I know it's not all me.
 
    I am just trying to remember that I am a flawed, caring adult who is reliving the pain of being an overwhelmed child.  I need to feel all those feelings, even the hatred-as CB- suggested.  I have felt it, and it did not kill me, or her.  It's just that child who felt powerless from the onslaught of her mother's needs.  And her mother has many needs again.

    GS, I just want to say thanks, and if I've turned this into somewhat of a hijack because of my needs, I'll hush now.  Actually, I think I'll just reassure both young and adult Cat that they were just using their voice and sharing their voice with others!

cats paw

    

[Overcomer]

Yes, my mom doesn't "get it."  She is so worried about "spoiling" us that she only gives us things when we are in need.  So if I came to her with a specific need she would come through.  But that puts me into the position of less than or needy.  I don't like that.  Like my brother said, "She owes us.............because while she was out making a fortune we were at home alone trying to figure life out and when she was home she was on the phone..............."  So I don't think she will come around but lately I have sent her many emails outlining her lack of empathy, her unrealistic demands..................and you are right, she figures she did it so why can't we?  Well, we are at the tail end of the baby boom and there was not a lot to gain like what my mom had.  She was always supported financially by my dad while she made her fortune so it wasn't like she had to work 40 hours a week while she was building her MLM fortune!!!

Sorry, GS, didn't mean to hijack your thread.....but I feel like our parents are so much alike.  Do you feel like they are trying not to spoil you or that you are a girl and don't deserve what your brothers get??

[Gaining Strength]

Why doesn't she bless me with some of her wealth so I don't have to struggle so much???  You relate to this, don't you?? C

Yeah I do.  I relate very strongly.  I was very drawn to the words CB used on another thread - "bait and switch" and she went on to write about grieving the loss.  I knew a month or so ago that I needed to grieve the loss of what I thought my life was supposed to be.  I wonder if that will help me grasp the key that Steve wrote about.  Something seems to be in my way but i am going to continue on the path I have been on since Aug. because I am making progress.

WE can do this.  WE can get out of it.  It is hard, though, isn't it?
Yes, Yes, Yes.  I keep saying yes to this over and over - Yes.  Yes we can do it and yes it is hard.  No one in real time could listen to me complain over and over.  here no one person has to.  Everyone can choose to not read it so I feel some comfort and some freedom in being repetitive in my complaints.  It is not about being stuck but about being heard and in being heard getting unstuck.  Does that make sense to you?

I know they are bright, energetic young people--but I also know that I was exactly where they are when I was their age and I made it.  So, I am not as tense about it as they are. They arent angry with me about it, because they know I have nothing to give them.  But, I do think that they get irritated because I dont "see" the precarious position they are in.

CB you do have something to give them and you are giving it to them - you are giving them a model of courage and you are giving them encouragement.  Those things are more precious than money because they will be able to use those to gain the material wealth that will ease their burdens.

cats paw - there is no hijacking here.  Please write more.  i am so eager to learn how you got where you are concerning your mother.  I so long to be there.  I really long to be able to love my mother and hope that as I get out from under the shame that I will be able to do this.

"She owes us.............because while she was out making a fortune we were at home alone trying to figure life out and when she was home she was on the phone..............." I feel strongly that my parents owed me either what they received and were able to pass on or an explanation that I would not receive it and some help or encouragement to put together a decent life.  I'm still finding value with CB's phrase "bait and switch".  I will be moving my energy from raging resentment and grief toward drive and determination.  Only when I can access my drive and determination will I move out of dispair.  I think I am getting closer.

Do you feel like they are trying not to spoil you or that you are a girl and don't deserve what your brothers get??
I don't think my parents functioned on a conscious level.  My father is NPD and OCD.  I have never had a give and take conversation with him.  He does all the talking.  If he asks a question he expects a specific answer that may or may not exist.  My mother on the other hand is not able to think things through.  She simply is not able to plan - not one little bit but she reacts with frustration.  She really doesn't understand that she is well off and that I am not.  It seems so bizarre but that is how it is.

[cats paw]

Gaining Strength,

   I am not there yet!  I'm still struggling.  As a matter of fact, this is Sunday and I'm avoiding going over to visit while feeling a pull to do a duty call because she's alone on Sundays.  She is a very Nish woman who is coming to the end of her life, and has driven most everyone away.  This Nish woman is my mother, however, and I will always have that very sad child in me who could not make it any better for her or for me. 
   My real time struggle is the balance between her emotional needs and my emotional needs.  I feel awful for feeling like I'm abandoning her, but she has always seen my needs for boundaries as an affront.  I'm trying to heal, not only for myself but also as a way that I will not feel the need to defend as much as come from a place of generosity of spirit for a lonely, needy woman who has never had the type of daughter she wanted.

   As you said, it is such a blessing to have this place to have comfort and freedom.  I wish my mother had the experience of love the way that she would have liked to have had it from the people she wanted it from, myself included.

cats paw

[Alice]

Dear GS,

I have been reading about your struggle with shame and I think you are progressing really well.

I have also been reading about Steve's struggle with shame.

Seems to me that shame is a root cause for many of our struggles.

I am now reading a book which I recommend regarding shame.  The book is "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes.

I feel this book could help you because the author says that until we face our "betrayal bond" (whci would be our relationship with our N parents), we can't move forward.  We must face and acknowledge that they betrayed us.

Here's the catch:  Although we may have known for a long time (consciously or unconsciously) that N parents betrayed us, we continue our relationship with them due to the "betrayal bond".

A betrayal bond is a relationship in which we were exploited, but instead of leaving the relationship, we continued the relationship (maybe even craved the relationship like an addict) because the relationship was infused with the drama of abuse and we equated this drama of abuse with love.  You can have betrayal bonds with anyone: friends, spouses, co-workers.

There’s more to it, but I think that’s the main idea.

What I find very powerful is that the author says we must completely change our point of view about our relationship (our betrayal bond) with our abuser.  Enforcing our boundaries is a big part of this. 

So, it’s like from this day forward, we must look at the person with whom we have a betrayal bond in a completely new light and call them what they are (know in our hearts what they are):  abusers.

Once we acknowledge who are abusers are, we are faced with 3 choices:
First: if the abuser can correct their ways, we work with the abuser on the relationship (abuser goes to therapy)
2nd:  If we want the abuser in our life, we must have very strong boundaries to protect ourselves.
3rd: we decide to have no contact with the abuser.

HTH,
Alice

[Alice]

She can state an opinion and within a sentence or paragraph take an opposite view - which ever way the wind blows.  She is full of judgement and all of this makes me very angry but I don't know why.  I want her to be a person of substance, a person who gets things done.  I want to let go of my anger and frustration towards her but I don't know how.

GS,

here's what I see:

Please recognize the betrayal bond you have with mother:  she's betrayed you, but you continue to interact with her and you allow your feelings about her to hurt yourself. If you accept that she will never change and put up protective boundaries, you can feel happier.

Please recognize SHE WILL NEVER CHANGE.  I think you will feel freer and less angry if YOU let go of your desire that mother chnage.  If you submit to reality that mother and father WILL NEVER BE WHAT YOU WANT THEM TO BE (and NEVER were what YOU NEEDED), you may feel freer, less angry, more hopeful and feel better about yourself as a human being.

As I mentioned in earlier, choose between the 3 options:  Since your parents will probably not go to therapy, they will not change.  So, if you want contact with them, put up force field boundaries.  Or, do no contact.

All of these choices are within YOUR POWER.  But, you must have the COURAGE to choose.

HTH,
alice

[Overcomer]

That's it!  It is BETRAYAL.  My mother has betrayed me over and over again.  Many times she has chosen other people's well being over mine.  Sometimes overtly, most of the times covertly.  It's like countering.  If I say I do not like someone - she will become their hero.  If I really love and appreciate someone, THEY are the enemy!

When I was in high school and I found out the cheerleading try outs were rigged (one of the judges came and told me so) and I went to my mom, she did NOTHING to stick up for me.  No calling the school to ask questions.  Nothing.  That was the first time in my life that I was so betrayed that it made me take a left turn and it took me years and years and years to get over the path of destruction I was on.  Feeling like I was not worth the effort to her.  And I wasn't worth the effort.  TO HER.  But you know, I am realizing that it really is SHE that has the problem.  She has no power over me.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!!!

It's funny.  Lately in my emails to her I have often quoted scripture to her and I know that just drives her wild because she was always the "holier than thou" one.  She was the one who tried to shove organized religion down my brother and my throats.  But what she didn't get was that it was Christ's love and grace which will get me through not regular attendance at HER church.  So I say things like, "I will no longer accept your condemnation for not doing my life like you want me to do it!!  - There now is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus!"  Can you imagine how a Pharisee like person would hate someone less than they are quoting scripture to them???  And she truly feels I am less than she........

Oh well, time to go look at that book.....

[Overcomer]

Alice:  You are ringing my bell today.  It's like this:  My dad gets irritable when his sugar level gets low or high (he is diabetic.)  I tell my mom often that she cannot hold things against him that he cannot change - like his health.  You can not expect him to do things he cannot physically do.

Well, why would any of us expect our N parents to act any other way.  And why would it be so important to GS and myself and a lot of others that we control our parents by making them change.  All we are doing is banging our heads on a brick wall.  They will NEVER change because I force them to change.  They will only change if they want to and since they don't want to, the only way we can move on productively is say to ourselves THEY ARE THE ONES WITH THE PROBLEM.  THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE.  ONLY I CAN CHANGE.  I AM A VALUABLE HUMAN BEING.  GOD LOVES ME AND CREATED ME FOR A PURPOSE.  I WILL WALK OUT MY DESTINY DESPITE THESE PEOPLE.  I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES.  I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE.  I AM HAPPY.  I AM OPTIMISTIC.  I AM NICE.  I AM A CYCLE BREAKER.  I AM BREAKING THE CYCLE!  NEVER WILL MY CHILDREN HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE HELL THAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH.  I WILL SHOW THEM UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND WHEN I DO SOMETHING LIKE MY PARENTS, I WILL IMMEDIATELY ADMIT IT AND ASK FOR FORGIVENESS.  I WILL ATTEND THEIR EVENTS.  I WILL TELL THEM AND SHOW THEM THAT THEY ARE IMPORTANT TO ME!

[alice]

Dear Kelly,

THEY ARE THE ONES WITH THE PROBLEM.  THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE.  ONLY I CAN CHANGE.  I AM A VALUABLE HUMAN BEING.

YES!! YOU GOT IT!!

I realize that what Steve said about having the key to his jail cell relates to the idea that we have the 3 choices: 
1st: the abuser admits they have a problem and tries to correct it with therapy
or 2nd, we have limited contact with abuser and put up our force field boundaries, or
3rd, we have no contact with the abuser.

For me these 3 choices eliminate my confusion about a betrayal bond relationship AND shows me that I have the power because I decide which of the 3 choices I will do.

Also, the idea of a relationship being a betrayal bond eliminates the magical thinking of “if only my abuser would change”.  We are forced to face reality and face ourselves and truly see the betrayal bond relationship.  And this really hurts, but I think we have to go thru this pain to be free.  We have to submit to the painful truth.

I think this book really gives power to the “victim” of a betrayal bond relationship.  If we can follow this book, we will no longer be the victim, and instead be the one taking affirmative action and that makes me feel powerful.

At the end of the book, the author pretty much says that the end product, the goal of working thru the betrayal bond relationship is that we will have a comfortable relationship with OURSELVES.  We will not feel lonely, but we will be OK in our solitude.

Alice