I'm sitting here clutching Malignant Self Love by Sam Vaknin..... I'm so in over my head I think my heart is going to explode. No question in my mind that my N is.... well.... an N. And he's willing to do anything he has to in order to get what he wants. He's just given me a very good example. I've been going in and out of shock and feeling stupid.... ashamed like I've done something worse than OJ Simpson.
Of course, I haven't killed anybody but..... I just might have to walk away from this divorce with a fraction of what a fair settlement would have been. Wednesday a A Judge may decide it was OK for N to emotionally torture me for months until I caved and had "intimate moments" with him if he'd move out of the house and phone before he came over. He also stopped threatening me as often and gave me the feeling I had enough control over my life that I could function more normally. Not entirely but...... he took some pressure off..... and I've been desperate for the pressure to subside since October of last year.
I give myself a bit of a break bc the attorney told me that I could get a restraining order before I filed then hide for a while until N's attorney got him under control. Neither of those "facts" turned out to be true. I had to sit in this house and make myself available to him, no wiggling. Then..... as I was freaking out in the attorney's office over the above, he told me I would have a temp hearing in 30 days and if N did anything like take my car or turn of the utilities..... I could get an emergency hearing in TWO days. ::shaking head::
If you guessed that didn't happen either.... ::DING DING DING DING DING::
So...... when, after 2 and a half months they set a temp hearing date..... it got cancelled bc of MY attorneys gallbladder surgery.... I was getting a bit demoralized. Esp since my N knew it would be cancelled and my Attorney's paralegal got snitty with me when I called and asked her if it was true.... I was frantic. That ticked her off and she said if I was going to trust what N said and call the office every time all upset maybe I should rethink. Then she had to call me back and tell me it was true.
The next temp hearing was set for April, it was cancelled as well. I know I caved before that. I was just having such a hard time with my back spasming and my stomach blowing up and my shoulder swelling and aching and my neck seizing. I was under seige and damned whether I caved or not..... but I felt better bc he was telling me he would facilitate the divorce IF I WAS NICE TO HIM. He said he wouldn't ruin my life, he'd do what it took to become a decent person and win me back down the road. Once he decided he couldn't change my mind on the divorce..... he put cameras in the house. He plotted and figured on how to fix my little red wagon. Yes.... he did.
He did all this while chastizing me for not "trusting" him. For not letting him win my trust, lol. For not allowing him to have a second chance. He swore on our 6yo's eyes he wouldn't tell. He said he'd get the divorce over with quickly and go about doing pentance. He also let me rage at him without making threats that put me on the floor.... for a while at least. Then the threats started up again.
When I said no to his request to come over, for instance.... he began with the "You'd better be nice or else" threats. And I tried to say no all the time. That was the point for me. I was living one day to the next, waiting for the moment I could change the locks and feel safe.... not hunted. Not have to hide my keys and purse and credit cards and check book. Not have everything on my computer deleted. Not have my car title disapear. ::shaking head:: Not to have him following me around talking talking talking till I vomited.
When he brought the convicted murderer over to help move him..... then explained that he'd be the PERFECT hit man and why.... all in a manic animated manner that spoke of glee and excitement..... I went a little out of my mind. I phoned my attorney and he phoned N's attorney. They didn't do anything and he denied saying it. He began threatening to SNATCH me, put me in a burlap bag and fly me to a third world country on a little plane. Then he said he figured out a way to do it without going to the trouble of a snatch and asked me to guess how. I said... "You'll take the children." He was pleased I figured it out and said he knew that I'd come if he had the girls.
So..... the list of threats was long. He said he'd hit the girls when he had them on visits.... he'd ruin my life with lawsuit after lawsuit..... he'd have his cop buddies plant drugs in the house then have me arrested..... he'd have drug addicts say I scored drugs from them. He also said he'd have Manny, the perfect hitman, say I asked him for a bump of cocain. He said it was all about who could tell the best story and he's very proud of his ability to lie. He's so proud of his ability as a "war machine." IT's all a game to him and he honestly believes that.
There were days I couldn't get up off the bathroom floor and I was having trouble finding the car keys and my purse and other assorted hastily hidden items on a daily basis bc he'd come home whenever without a warning. I was spending hours jumping at noises and watching the door before he came home. I couldn't take the pressure and I told my attorney over and over and over again. I wasn't ever able to withstand that pressure and N shut down his 40 employee company 4 days before Christmas, the day I filed, so he could hunker down on me 24/7 and work me with his good cop bad cop routine. Kind and cruel kind and cruel. It was really tearing me apart physically. I lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks and I couldn't eat then I got nauseaus and began vomiting when I tried to hold my anger in as he followed me around hour after hour......"I love you, I'm going to keep you, you can trust me I swear on Lena's eyes, I'm going to fix things......" All the while he was stabbing me in the back rather obviously and that disparity just made me vomit. My clothes were hanging on me. I looked sick. I was sick. I am sick.
So...... long story not getting any shorter..... I took some pressure off the only way I could and I had to go into the deposition on Thurs and tell the truth bc be TOLD them we had sex in HIS DEPOSITION. The truth was that he set me up to go in there and lie about it then spring the tape at the temp hearing on Wed so I couldn't re file for 35 days or so and he "would make our entire estate dissapear in that time." It was beautiful!
How incredably stupid could I be!?!? The thing is.... I don't think I should lose everything because I wasn't strong enough to withstand his manipulations and the physical trauma. I had little gilrs to dress and braid their hair and a household to keep sane and calm for them. He had all that time to hunt the things I tried to hide and sabotage me and put spyware on my computer and if you recall....he followed me here and sabotaged that too. He stole a check and 80,000.00. It wasn't all in my head. I was cut off and he was pressuring me and I know I sound whiney but now I have a Judge I don't know in charge of letting him off the hook for all the contemp charges he now has. He never took the order of stay serioiusly. He's been wagging his fanny at me and my attorneys and the law since this entire thing began. He moved his money, he sold property he opened trusts with marital property he mortgaged property and made the money dissapear. He did this while my attorney and his right hand gal told me he COULDN'T do any of those things. While they told me i'd get that hearing in 30 days then in March and then in April and quite frankly... I began to believe they couldn't protect me. I began to believe that he could do anything he wanted to me. My attorney disagreed but hey.... N tells me the 4th temp hearing I've been looking forward to may be cancelled too. This time bc of his attorney. I believe him.
So..... Monday I guess we all meet back again and try to come to an understanding about what happens next. The rat has a felony charge for putting spyware on my computer to consider. I'll also be going to the DA's office to file something for all the threats he's been making. I'm willing to go and tell my story to the judge..... OMG.... but I don't feel I have a choice.
To be reality based..... this sort of thing happens all the time. People get together, there's a dismissal and they refile again. No big deal. In this case..... N will get off the hook for all he's done and I'm sure he's moving chess pieces of the estate around with impunity since he KNOWS that there will be a dismissal. After all.... there's never been a case where there wasn't a dismissal.... not in the last 10 years, anyway. The one case that might help us was in another State and the husband asked the wife to come visit so he could get the divorce moved to his county. They cohabitated for 3 weeks then he beat her and took her child. The Judge said.... YOU SHALL NOT HAVE A DISMISSAL.... just like a God, lol. My circumstances aren't quite so indiscreet...... at least N didn't do anything so dramatic as beat me and steal the girls. He gaslighted and threatened and promised to give me a divorce if I'd just be nice. I did. End of story, right?
I can't believe this is happening to me!!!! Hey.... I can't believe I might have to go sit in a Judge's chambers and watch a blue movie.... that features me. ::shaking head:: If you knew me.... you'd know how low key and un dramatic I like life. And here I am..... between a rock and a very hard place. I'm more afraid that the Judge WON'T dismiss the divorce. I'm afraid of the other bombs N promises he has in store for me. And I'm afraid of what he'll do when cornered like a rat. Whatever will I do if the Judge goes all gershmackity on N? I've been writing out letters explaining what and where and who to look at if I come to a bad end. Lots of people are afraid for me. I'm a nervous wreck. And I don't have much support from my family and not much from friends either. Everyone has their own dragons to slay, yes?
He didn't waste any time and started putting pressure on me immediately after the deposition. His attorney forbid him from coming to this house again so..... He phoned yesterday morning to say that he'd bring the police if I didn't relinquish the girls to him for mother's day weekend, lol. He said his mother hadn't seen them since Christmas and blamed me, which is a bald faced lie. He was using language that said he's positioning to make trouble about my denying him access to the girls, which I've never done. He said he'd have a dumpster dropped 2 doors down, at my old house, and start throwing out all my stuff. Now that is just poking at my eyes with a stick! Figureatively, of course. I phoned my attorney...... he took Friday off. at 475.00 an hour...... you'd think I'd get ONE correct piece of information and a little service, eh?
N also showed up at the other house today then came INTO this house and touched stuff and took things while I was out. He just can't help himself and I'M TELLING! Not that telling will get me anywhere: /
The last time I talked to him I told him my goal was to have NO CONTACT with him for the rest of our lives. I was adamant that the relationship is broken beyond all repair. He insists we're meant for each other and that no other man will be raising his children. He's upset and now I'm coming out of my skin again. How do I get used to living this way?
Happy mother's day..... Margo
