Ami,
I'm sorry my post made you cry, but they're good tears, really. Lots of people on this board care about you - this is the most supportive forum I've ever come across. Wish I'd found it before I spent thousands on therapy!
You're right, she knows you are healing, and she won't like that one bit.
When I started recovering from 12 years of life-threateningly serious anorexia (my weight hovered around 75 lbs for all of that time), my Nmum, despite having *said* for years that she was 'worried sick' (but never actually *helped*), told me 'I used to like it better when you were thin - you'd do as you were told then'.
What an admission!
When my weight went up to only 85 lbs, her and my sister started to say I was 'fat', even though I never had the (apparently 'universal') anorexic tendency to have a distorted view of my body size myself. They knew I was slipping away from their clutches, and they got far more severe in their methods to try to get me back. My sister is still trying it, although my Mum doesn't try directly any more (she gets her latest boyfriend to do it instead).
Health is a very good indicator of how we feel inside - so if you are healing your stomach pains, then your psychological healing is obviously taking place, too. It's visible in your postings here - you've come such a long way already. I should think your mother can spot it a mile off, too, although, unlike us here, she hates it, while we love it!
What a good thing that she lives a long way from you. That will make it easier for you. My Mum lived 10 minutes' drive from me for years (now it's 350 miles - YES!!!).
Possibly, what she might try next, if you don't respond, is to get other people to contact you for the response, so be ready for that one - the answer should still be NOTHING. Not even an 'I don't want to discuss it.' They'll only say 'Why not?'...and you'd be staright back in, discussing reasons that will get shot down. NC is the only answer, I'm afraid, and that's really hard.
How does she contact you? By email? Blocking it might be easier, as then you wouldn't have to even read her stuff. Phone calls are harder, but Caller ID is wonderful! We call it the 'Anti-Mother Identification Unit'.
As to being lonely - you can know dozens of people, but with this subject, hardly anyone will talk about it, so, yes, it's lonely. On here, though, it's different, so keep talking!
I think your grandmother must have been a very special person - you were lucky to have her in your life. Was that your mother's or father's mother?
Try to have a good day, Ami.
Janet
