When I'm in Church, I have no voice to sing with

[JanetLG]

I've recently (January 2007) started going to a Unitarian Church (never been to church before, regularly, only weddings, etc.).

I'd wanted to go for months, so it was a big deal to eventually get the courage to go through the door.

Very supportive people, very friendly place. No problems there, then.

But, although I had been looking forward to 'having a good sing', I have found that I CAN'T DO IT. I mouth the words, but haven't the confidence to actually make a noise! I can hear the people around me singing, but I'm petrified of doing it myself. It doesn't really help that, in a Unitarian Church, the hymns are mainly 'modern' ones, not 'traditional' ones that I would have known from singing as a child, so I don't always know the tune (although sometimes there are new words for an old tune, if you see what I mean).

When I was at school, I used to be in the choir, but I remember now that, when I got to about 12 (bad time in the family), that I got thrown out of the choir for 'miming', apparently (they thought) deliberately. I think, now, that my ability to literally 'speak up' for myself had been well and truly stolen from me. This was also the time when I developed anorexia - the last resort of women who have nothing left to control but their food intake.

Has this happened to anyone else? Any tips on getting over this, or do you think it will just subside with time?

Janet

[Hopalong]

Hey Janet.

You take your time, hon.
You are not under pressure to sing. (Or to fake it.)

Hang in, find your little community within the community, do a Covenant Group or ARE class...

Soon enough, one day you will sing.

It makes me happy to hear of a person who's felt voiceless going to a UU church. (I'm a UU too.)

One of my favorite hymns in the new Singing the Journey book, by Libby Roderick, goes:

How could anyone ever tell you
You were anything less than beautiful?
How could anyone ever tell you
You were less than whole?
How could anyone fail to notice
That your loving is a miracle?
How deeply you're connected to my soul.


Hops

[JanetLG]

Hops and Ami,

Thanks so much for your responses (made me cry again...)

I'm in the UK, Hops, where Unitarian, although similar to UU, is so much rarer as a denomination it's almost off the scale (only 65 Ministers for the whole of the UK). I chose it because they seem so understanding of difference. I'm so surprised by this inability to sing, I so much want to do it, as going to Church makes me feel so much better. Can I get a copy of the 'Singing the Journey' book from somewhere? Those words are so uplifting!

Even 'faking it' by miming seems better than not 'trying' at all. It's as if just 'reading through' the words will be better than not doing anything, somehow. Does that make sense?

Our church congregation is absolutely tiny - 10 of us, including the Minister and his wife, in a major UK city! Only 4 women altogether. Makes it a bit difficult to 'find a niche' in such a small group. I might try their online community, or even the American UU forums, for support from others with an understanding?

[Hopalong]

Wow, I didn't realize we were so sparse in the UK...

Janet, here's more support...hope it helps! I understand CLF people do meet. And there are conferences, gatherings, too. If I'm ever in the UK I'll sure look them up!

http://clf.uua.org/#

And here's UU support online:

http://clf.uua.org/lists_sigs.html

Hops

[Overcomer]

Funny.................my husband and I started going to one of the fastest growing churches in the state......they sing songs and when I know them, I belt them out.............he never sings because he knows he cannot carry a tune.  But there is this one woman..........we have decided to not sit by her if we can avoid it.  She was singing so loud and off key.  When everyone else ended the note, it was like she kept singing it.........vibrato.  I almost laughed out loud.....got tickled.  So I predict, if you can sing and carry a tune, if you just sing lightly, you will be fine.  And maybe it is the not knowing that is stopping you.  Believe me, when you hear a song enough times, you start to at least hum it...........

[JanetLG]

Hops,

Thanks very much for the link to the UU clf sites, etc. I hadn't heard of them. I've subscribed to a couple of digests, etc, so perhaps I'll feel a bit less isolated, now. There's so much online UU contacts that are American-based, and so few English ones. The Unitarians in the US are far bigger than in the UK - you've got about 220,000, I think I read somewhere - in the UK, we've got about 5,500. Small, but select! Hopefully, as I get more used to going to Church at all, this inability to sing will subside.

Overcomer,

Yes, I'm hoping that when I become more familiar with the tunes, that I'll just join in without thinking, but at the moment it's all so different for me, that I find it hard to stay focussed. 'Mindful prayer' is almost impossible for me, as my mind just keeps wandering.

Ami,

That's the first time I have ever heard someone else describe anorexia/eating disorders (or whatever you label what you went through with your food issue - I'm not sure if you'd call it anorexia) in the same terms that I do. I think it's so much linked to creativity, and your life force being stifled by the N (in my case, my NMum, then Nbf, and more recently Nsister). The lasting effect is this awful inability to nurture yourself which is right at the core of it, I think.

I hope you don't think I'm 'cutting you off in mid-sentence', as it were, but I'm thinking that this subject of eating disorders and nurture deserves a thread of its own, as anyone looking for eating disorder info won't find it easily in a thread with this title, so I'm going to start one with the title ' Reasons for anorexia and eating disorders'  - can we continue discussing this there?

Thanks for thinking like I do - it makes me feel I'm not crazy!! (Well, not much, anyway)

Janet

[JanetLG]

"I felt as if I am doing something wrong when I nurtured myself . . I still do. "

Ami, are you SURE you're not me? (Oh no, I'm turning into an N!! I'm telling you you're me! Didn't mean it like that!)

As an example of how difficult I find it to nurture myself, I *forced* myself to have a bubble bath tonight, and feel really guilty now. That's not normal, is it?

I have started the other thread, now, but I think I've rambled - have a look. I'll  be interested in what you think. Have you started playing the piano again yet?

Janet

[cat]

I have also found it hard - sometimes in church - to sing praise and worship.  It's like the voice is gone.

And yet. . . we are told to offer praise and worship.  And you know what - sometimes it's the most difficult thing to do when you're in a really hard spot in your life.  I mean - it's like making a sacrifice.   Isn't that crazy?  Who would ever call singing praise in church a sacrifice.  But when your voice is gone - and you don't feel like singing - it is a sacrifice.  Because it's the furthest thing from you that you want to do.

As your voice slowly rips out of you - you realize it's a sacrifice - and it's difficult - and then all of a sudden it gets a little easier.  Then it gets even easier.  If all you can do is open your mouth and mouth the words - that's a step. . . keep on going.  Even mouthing the words sounds like it's a sacrifice of praise.

You are on your way. . . !  cat

[JanetLG]

Thanks for that, Cat. I do feel like it's a real sacrifice just to mouth the words, but I'll keep trying to make a noise (hopefully, a pleasant one!) as I really want to conquer this one!

It's another case of proving to myself that my NMum can't take it ALL away.

Janet

[Overcomer]

Sometimes when I am in church I just bow my head and listen or even look up and listen-I think this is a way to worship-I think it is between you and God.  And on the topic of NEVER getting over this or having to deal with one thing after another?  Read Joyce Meyer's story.  She is my inspiration!  Just yesterday my mom and I were driving and she talked about me manipulating HER!  And I guess in a way I do.  I try desperately to make her change or admit that she has problems-SHE WILL NOT-cannot.

[WRITE]

sometimes when I sing in church it's like the voice doesn't come from me, it's a really spiritual thing.

Even when my voice was muted I always sang a bit.

Now dance- I remember a wound from ex with this.
I was at a party in my twenties, having a great time dancing when he came up close behind me , I thought he was going to be affectionate but he hissed 'have you seen yourself? You look ridiculous. You can't dance...!'

I was so stunned I stopped and though I left him the year after and began that dance....I never danced or even swayed for years until I started to unbend after therapy.

There is a Walt Whitman line of poetry:

Undrape! you are not guilty to me, nor stale nor discarded

it made me cry for years whenever I read it.

I am tearful today thinking of my dying friend, I wonder if they will ask me to sing for her funeral and if I will be able to do it if they do...

There's a hymn I've always loved:

My life flows on in endless song;
Above earth’s lamentation
I hear the sweet though far off hymn
That hails a new creation:
Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear the music ringing;
It finds an echo in my soul—
How can I keep from singing?

The Unitarians made it into a champion of bravery song with

Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear the music ringing.
It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing!
What though the tempest 'round me roars,
I know the truth, it liveth.
What though the darkness 'round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth.
No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love prevails in heav'n and earth,
How can I keep from singing!

but the Christians end it

I lift mine eyes; the cloud grows thin;
I see the blue above it;
And day by day this pathway smoothes
Since first I learned to love it:
The peace of Christ makes fresh my heart,
A fountain ever springing:
All things are mine since I am His—
How can I keep from singing?

How indeed.
Hope you find your voice, Janet.

[Hopalong]

Write, I'm started my day singing! Or feeling sung to. I love that hymn very much. One of my favorites is the oooold one, Come Ye Disconsolate. Roberta Flack and Donny Hathaway recorded it as a duet and it's breathtaking.

CB,
What joy your story brought. Thank you sos os osososososo much.

off to work (late)

Hops

[WRITE]

off to work (late)

I can't seem to get started today!
Supposed to be exploring composition software and backing up my finance records...

he would be the man who danced.

wow, powerful stuff CB.

There's a modern Christian hymn they play on the radio here, Chris Rice Untitled Hymn
beautiful. It ends:

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

Jesus said his generation were like children in the marketplace,

We have piped unto you, and ye have not danced; we have mourned unto you, and ye have not lamented.

he means that in the expectations and controls we place on others we miss the miracles which occur everyday around us.

I must go and live my day, the last day of my son's elementary education, tomorrow begins 13 weeks of summer vacation.
Many things have ended for me recently, and summer is always full of endings rather than beginnings, a sleepy time of year in the heat.

The Chris Rice song ends:

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

That's not quite my beliefs, but I am going to go and pray and get on with my day.

Thanks for my space here to let out my feelings today:

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break. 
~William Shakespeare

[JanetLG]

Write,

Those are beautiful words. We have had that as a hymn in our Unitarian Church once so far (I've only been going for a few months), and I *almost* could sing that one, as I knew it already, and I just love the words - Enya recorded it about 10 years ago, but I didn't know it was a hymn, then.

CB,

Wow, dancing is another issue altogether. I remember dancing to music on the radio when I was about 4, and when my Mum came into the room and saw me, she quickly backed out again, saying ' It's alright, you can carry on dancing - I WON'T LOOK'!

I hated dancing from then on, as I felt there was a reason for my dancing being so embarrassing (and therefore my *fault*) that even my mum didn't want to look at me. I hardly ever danced after that, if I could possibly avoid it. I only saw her dance once, and she reminded me of how I would  expect Margaret Thatcher to dance.

When you describe the little children dancing in the asiles, CB, it sounds just so *joyful*, they are so lucky to feel like that. No-one should ever be able to spoil that feeling.

When I was about to get married, at 31, I was dreading the reception, when me and my husband would be expected to 'start the dancing'. However, I was so happy on the day that, in the event, it didn't bother me at all, and I ended up dancing all evening, while my mother sat, stony faced, in the corner.

After that, the spell was broken, and I enjoyed dancing again. About a year after I got married, I went on a 'girly night out' to a Seventies' Tribute Band concert (sad, but true). This was at Earl's Court, which holds about 10,000 people. My friend, Terri, wanted to dance in the aisle early on in the concert, but wanted me to get up with her. No-one else was dancing, and I was apprehensive, as I didn't want to attract attention, but I got up anyway. THEY PUT THE SPOTLIGHT ON US! OH, MY GOD! I managed to keep going, and we encouraged most of the audience to get up and dance,too, and it was great. When I think what my Mum tried to stop me doing when I was 4, I wonder what on earth was in her mind, other than her own inadequacy.

Janet

[Hopalong]

Yikes.
My mother was raised in a very very strict fundamentalist denomination. They did not:
drink, smoke, dance, go to movies, or wear makeup.

I think the dancing prohibition/inhibition came from the desire to repress children's natural sensuality/sexuality...their joy in their bodies.

We're descended from the Puritans here.

Those dancin' fools...

Hops