Ami,
Wow, there's a lot in there to reply to.
I think that website is great. It's huge, and always being updated, and sooooo relevant.
When I was having counselling once, the counsellor told me that I often looked 'blank', and I didn't know what she meant. I said I always look like this, and she said yes, I suppose you do, but you're blank. I think she meant my face showed little expression, because I didn't allow myself to *feel* much, inside. I'm working on that, now, but it's hard. The emotion I can feel most easily is anger - that one comes out so often! But any other emotion has to be worked on.
I think we need to know how to nurture ourselves before we can feel that we want to be with other people, as we don't understand how to 'give' to them properly. It gets a bit superficial, otherwise, if you see what I mean.
I feel that, like you, I have lost out with my extended family, as my NMum told all of the rest of them to stop talking to me, once I started NC with her ('It's either her or ME' - I lost). I only see my Dad, now, and I've recently started emailing an uncle, but other than that, no-one. There's a tendency to think that only family can fill the void of closeness, but I'm not so sure, now. Friends can be wonderful, because you can *choose* those, so the idea of 'having' to see someone just because they're a relative doesn't come into play, and people can be more themselves. Am I making sense here?
I think that, as to how to deal with the pain, the only thing I can suggest is be flexible - sometimes you need to focus on it more, sometimes you need to switch off from it completely and go to the park
But now that your conscious mind is aware of what's going on, your unconscious mind can work on it even while you're doing something 'fun', so you're healing even while you think you're not. It will always be getting better, now, Ami, because of your awareness. Not always in a dead straight line (sometimes a bit wobbly, or apparently going backwards), but the destination's worth it.
Janet
