Author Topic: When I'm in Church, I have no voice to sing with  (Read 5427 times)

Ami

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Re: When I'm in Church, I have no voice to sing with
« Reply #30 on: June 01, 2007, 09:24:49 AM »
Dear Janet CB,Hops, WRITE,Peace, Cat and Kelly,
  I just looked at that website on apologies. WOW- another slap in the face. All her apologies have always been like this. I never saw it in writing before. it is powerful to see.
  I am lonely because I am separated from myself. This type of loneliness can't be cured by people. It is an inside loneliness.  The board really helps more than anything because I am at the stage of trying to "excavate" myself from under all these N ideas that I "swallowed".I don't feel connected to other people ,usually, because I am not connected to myself. I feel like there are so many layers of distorted thinking.I feel like I am at the bottom of a lake and I can't get up to the top where my relationships would be.
It seems like too much work to be with people. However, I see  my best friend Maria twice a week. She has been going through a bad depression so she understands now what I have been going through Now, it seems easier to connect with her. She was trying to help me but she did not understand things like not experiencing joy etc. Now, she understands and so it is easier.
  I remember when I was younger. I used to read,"The Prophet" by Gibran. He said that there had to be "spaces in your togetherness"He was saying that you can only get so close to another person. The next logical step would be that your primary relationship is with yourself. This is where I have a disconnect. I am just hoping and praying for a total healing where I will want to be with people rather than have to force myself.
  I guess that I really feel a big loss in not having extended family. Family has a warmth that friends do not- unless I am off in this.I would like your opinion on this. The last time that I truly connected to another person was when I was 14 with my 2 best friends. I was connected because I had a self and I knew where I began and ended. Now, I am amorphous. I don;t know where I begin and end .so i am fearful  and uncomfortable with relationships. Also, I am afraid of anger.
  As I said above, I hope and pray for a total healing I have so much love and thanks to you for helping me          Love Ami

P.S. Also, I don't know what is better to do when you are going through this pain-just to let it wash over you or to do something else to get away from it. What do you think?
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

JanetLG

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Re: When I'm in Church, I have no voice to sing with
« Reply #31 on: June 01, 2007, 10:56:49 AM »
Ami,

Wow, there's a lot in there to reply to.

I think that website is great. It's huge, and always being updated, and sooooo relevant.

When I was having counselling once, the counsellor told me that I often looked 'blank', and I didn't know what she meant. I said I always look like this, and she said yes, I suppose you do, but you're blank. I think she meant my face showed little expression, because I didn't allow myself to *feel* much, inside. I'm working on that, now, but it's hard.  The emotion I can feel most easily is anger - that one comes out so often! But any other emotion has to be worked on.

I think we need to know how to nurture ourselves before we can feel that we want to be with other people, as we don't understand how to 'give' to them properly. It gets a bit superficial, otherwise,  if you see what I mean.

I feel that, like you, I have lost out with my extended family, as my NMum told all of the rest of them to stop talking to me, once I started NC with her ('It's either her or ME' - I lost). I only see my Dad, now, and I've recently started emailing an uncle, but other than that, no-one. There's a tendency to think that only family can fill the void of closeness, but I'm not so sure, now. Friends can be wonderful, because you can *choose* those, so the idea of 'having' to see someone just because they're a relative doesn't come into play, and people can be more themselves. Am I making sense here?

I think that, as to how to deal with the pain, the only thing I can suggest is be flexible - sometimes you need to focus on it more, sometimes you need to switch off from it completely and go to the park :-)

But now that your conscious mind is aware of what's going on, your unconscious mind can work on it even while you're doing something 'fun', so you're healing even while you think you're not. It will always be getting better, now, Ami, because of your awareness. Not always in a dead straight line (sometimes a bit wobbly, or apparently going backwards), but the destination's worth it.

Janet

Ami

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Re: When I'm in Church, I have no voice to sing with
« Reply #32 on: June 01, 2007, 03:30:18 PM »
Dear Janet,
  You are right. That sure was a lot to respond to. I needed to write it just to admit these things to myself. in large part.
   Today, i am so excited to tell you that my friend Maria came over and I felt much more in my body.I was able to be present and to really help her to release a lot of her pent up feelings.As I helped her to heal, God was healing me nore.
  It is really amazing that she is starting to realize that she had been abused,too. She had not faced it before. As i heal on the board, I am helping her to face her life. She is doing much better and she really appreciated that I let her be "real". I was able to do that because I got more "real.
    One thing that I am really seeing is that I could not help being"mentally ill." Honestly, people would say to me,"You should appreciate all your blessings,' and "Go help someone else and it will help you."
but I was too far down for any of these things to help me. I was just too lost.
   What this is helping me to see is that the N is "too lost" also. I must go NC because my mother will kill me.. She almost did the job and if I see her, she will finish it off. So, She is dead to me. I have to do this for pure survival. However, I can see that she was so lost and so far gone that she probably could not help how she was. Maybe, she could help individual rages,but she could not help the whole "mental illness.\
  I want to finish these thoughts later. I have to go now. Talk to you later and thanks for your posts..I really look forward to them      Love Ami




No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung