Stormchild - yes, the Bad Mommy Taboo is HUGE, isn't it? But women are dying because society won't admit that the bad mothers can cause their own daughters to die of starvation.
It's weird what you said about stepmothers being vilified, but not birth mothers. I am stepmother to my husband's 2 kids from his first marriage (in their twenties, now). In an emailed 'conversation' with my Nsister, I told her, when she said I'd cut off 'the only real family you'll ever have' that actually I had a perfectly good family in my husband and two stepchildren, and their more distant relatives. She immediately spelt out to me the fact that I was deluding myself by claiming that they were anything to do with me at all, and that I shouldn't claim to be anything like a real mother, as 'it's not like you changed their nappies, or anything, in fact they were almost adults when you met them [12 and 14]' . She put the 'evil stepmother' bit onto me, with no proof whatsoever! I've always got on great with them, to the extent that I've left them most of my money in my Will. She told me in the past that I should leave my money to HER children, as I've apparently got 'no-one to leave it to'.
It's interesting that you see someone's ability to empathise as an example of their creativity - I see it like that too, which is why I was so disappointed in my friend who thought I was awful not to see my Nmum any more, as she's very creative - an embroidery designer, like me. But she's got her own issues with anorexia in her past, and won't talk about it yet, so I don't know how much in denial she is. She has said, at least, that when she *really* wanted a sewing machine for her 16th birthday, her mum got her a knitting machine, as that's what SHE had always wanted... Make up your own mind about that one. Perhaps she should start reading this board...?
I do think that my Mum wanted me to die. I think she has always wanted to 'get her own back' in a way. When she gave birth to me (at home), apparently the placenta didn't properly separate, and she was bleeding for hours, and no-one realised. She nearly died. She always told me that I did that on purpose! Also, while she was pregnant, she had a lot of discomfort from me 'scratching her' from inside, which was deliberate as well, apparently. So she'd decided I was 'difficult' before I was even born, and hated me, I think. To have killed me would have been the ultimate controlling behaviour, I think.
Gratitude28 - I wondered if this thread would resonate with people on here or not. If you want to share, please do, but if it's too painful, don't worry. It's just good to know, from the replies I've had, that it's not just me thinking this!
Ami, You can empathise because you're NORMAL. They're not. But yes, it does help if you see the same kind of situation happening to someone else, even if it's a traumatic one.
It's weird when someone says 'you're mother was a monster' and you think YES! Thanks for the validation! at the same time as thinking That's my mother you're talking about. Confusing, isn't it? That's conditioning, I suppose.
From what you say about what your mother did and said to you, it does sound like you still feel ashamed, but perhaps you can start to see that you are carrying her shame FOR HER. Really SHE should feel ashamed for her inappropriate behaviour, but she passed that onto you, and you've carried it for years.
When I was just about to stop seeing my NMum, I remember saying to her, 'I am going to stop keeping your secrets for you, I am going to stop carrying the guilt for you. You can deal with it yourself, because I am not doing it any more.' She looked absolutely terrified. She knew that by that I meant that I wouldn't hide the fact of her affair any more from anyone - within two weeks, her 'boyfriend' had ditched her, as soon as he realised I'd 'spill the beans' if asked about it. 18 years I'd kept their secret.
When I told her once that I would never consider having an affair, as I thought it was unfair to both the husband and the boyfriend, she just said 'you won't be able to keep your high standards. All my friends have had affairs, and you will too, just you wait.' They have to tar you with the same brush as them.
To tease your own daughter about sexual inexperience should be seen as child abuse, as it damages your self-esteem for life. It's hard to get over that one. Sorry you had to go through that, Ami.
Tayana - why did your mother give *you* a card on Mother's Day? Is that weird behaviour, or something you do in the US?
[I hope that comment doesn't cause offence. Cultural confusion, here...]
When you said you'd love her to tell you that she's proud of you, just once, that really struck a chord. I had an exhibition of my embroidery once, when I was about 18, and one of the visitors to it ( a man in his sixties) said to me that he just knew my parents must be so proud of me! I just looked at him blankly. My mum didn't even bother going to see the exhibition, as she wouldn't have been the centre of attention. They love to deflect attention from you, or deflate you if they can't do that, rather than see you get the recognition you deserve. On my wedding day, the ONLY thing my mum said to me all day was 'Doesn't your sister look nice?'
Telling you that you're too fat/thin/ short, whatever, is just their way of making you feel BAD. As long as you feel bad, they feel good. How twisted!
I used to read all the books I could lay my hands on about anorexia, but they all seemed to focus on this body image idea, and they also seem to keep saying 'anorexics lie, so don't believe a word they say, they'll hide food, they'll cheat on nutrition programmes,' etc etc. Nothing, ever, about what might have caused women to be in such a dreadful situation. Nothing about the family backgrounds of anorexics. Just bad, bad anorexic girls who are liars, and the hard time their parents have trying to MAKE THEM eat.
Ami, About your last post - yes, the hard thing is not just realising that they actually had all that power over you. It's the fact that they really ENJOYED it. And they're your MOTHER. It certainly is a lot to face about your own mother. No wonder we have issues about nurturing ourselves.
Love to everyone here.
Janet
