Here we go again with FIL

[poetprose]

I can not believe what comes out of this mans mouth!! (father in law)

we go visit him yesterday at his cottage, first i go to the grocery store and pick up all that he asks me to buy him... we get there and I explain how well the wedding plans are going for his granddaughter, how excited we all are , then I tell him we have a pet sitter for the pets as I will be gone for the entire weekend of the wedding

He turns to me and says ( in a calm cool collected voice) " You don't need a pet sitter, you just bring them out here and I have 3 cement blocks and some rope, we just drop them in the lake...   HUH??????  My heart just sank , I started to go into panic mode!!! - still i change conversation to the dvd I brought him to watch "The Secret"........ I excplained what it was about, then he did nothing but mock it and make fun of it....... mocked me in a sneaky way for believing in it............. I just hate visiting him, I don't even want to be arround that man, he whispers cruel things to me when nobody is arround  (what the hell is that about)

Later in the day after we are back home, he calls here to tell us that a pipe came off of the water pump and the basement of the cottage was flooded, because his other son did not use a clamp,  ( which i dont beleive), this man thrives at playing a victom,

so i listen and eventuallly turn the phone over to hubby (his son), he then says to hubby just before he hangs up
 "well just thought I'd let you knnow if you find out I have dropped dead , it is because of all the work i did here cleaning up"????

oh i hate it when he is at the cottage .......... i just hate it,      thankyou for letting me vent

[Portia]

(((((((((Poet)))))))))

What a bitter man.

[Overcomer]

oh boy HE sounds like MY Husband

[poetprose]

Thankyou all for your support and concern!!

I think that the way he makes his "in-road" with  me is that I have already resigned in my mind* that I am finished with people like that, when I was young I did not have the choice* to chose not to be abused , because I was so young and my dad was my dad
I grew up with abuse, and as soon as I was a teen I got as far away from him as I could............ he came to me a year later, a better man, we were able to have a relationship beyond the dysfunctional upbringing... ( he had stopped drinking and apologized to me)

my FIL is not physcially abusive, he is just so damm hurtful.......... and mean and logically I know i have choice not to be arround him, but then he will use this against me, ( my absense) so it is a no win...if i stay away i am guilted/ if i go see him i am insulted or hurt

so what do i do ?

he already through a guilt trip on me yesterday because he thinks if i get rid of my pets that i would go to Floriday in the winters and visit him........ and the truth is , my not going to florida to visit him has NOTHING what so ever to do with  my pets.........

I feel like i am being dragged back into the gutter again from my childhood

[Portia]

Seriously Poet, one path you could take to change the situation: stay away and feel guilty.

Really feel that guilt and work out where it comes from. Then get rid of that good-for-nothing useless feeling!

Let FIL say what he will. You can't stop him. But you can change your reactions to him.

What would your hubby say to that, just out of curiosity...

[Hopalong]

Hi Poet,
Just piling on to ditto what Portia said.

YOU are in charge of whether you feel guilty...the good news is that you can actually learn to challenge the thoughts that give rise to the feeling. And then at some point you literally won't feel the guilt. I think cognitive behavioral therapy could be really useful for you in getting at this:

it is a no win...if i stay away i am guilted

There's passive voice. Grammatically, it says something. You know?

I feel guilty at least gives you ownership of your own emotion. I am guilted makes you a helpless puppet...feeling whatever he decides you should feel.

What happens if you sit with that thought for a while...?

love
Hops

[poetprose]

good points and inisights  thanx

Im going to think on this today .....

[poetprose]

Dear Poetprose,.
  I  HAVE lived this situation with my in-laws.When I read your post, I realized WHAT I endured at their hands and I NEVER thought that I had a choice.
  It was NEVER a thought in my head that I could say "NO."
   When my N mother destroyed my trust in myself, I was set up to be a victim. I ,also, realized  that I "devalued "myself as a way of not losing my mind with her.I also .became numb to my emotions.
   Anyway, between devaluing myself, not trusting my gut and being "numb", I was a great"catch" for all the N's to use and abuse..
  Your FIL is simply acting unacceptable. It seems clear to me. He is harrassing you and abusing you.
  Is is that you will get too much "flak" if you say that you won't go?
  My husband would have gone ballistic. However,I see NOW--
" WHAT could he have REALLY done?"
  The only REAL power that he had over me was MY OWN fear and need for approval.  My childhood devaluing of myself allowed me to put up with it. It was voices in my head of"Who do you think YOU are? " What are YOU so BIG about?.'' that set me up for being paralyzed and then taking abuse.
I wish that I had all of you when my children were younger, but I have you now . Thank God       Love Ami

My FIL has gotten away with his bullying and meanness all his life........ even my own husband is cowardly towards him, that is what really upsets me, is that I feel that it is my husbands job to stand up to the man , just once put him in his place..... but he never does, the truth is my husband is more beaten down by his father than I am,  I guess because it is blood, there are extra* privledges ,   you are right I will get flak!!!! because my husband will get the pressure from his dad, and so it will be me caving in as per usual

it really is pathetic Ami,  I don't want to be the one to rock the boat between them, because it will fall on me!!

[Hopalong]

Hi Poet,
This jumped out of the page and whapped me like an octopus arm:

I feel that it is my husbands job to stand up to the man

This may sum up why you also feel like a prisoner.

I urge you to read some very basic books on women's rights...and ask yourself why a smart grown woman should abandon her birthright voice while waiting for a man to speak for her. If you have husband who loves the protective role and does that without condescension and you enjoy receiving his protectiveness, great. Otherwise, I feel to my toe-bones that "beliefs" about what's the man's job and what's the woman's job can trap women in quicksand, and it's only late in life that the reckoning comes for how much of our precious life we've given away ...

It's YOUR life, YOUR voice. Scary as heck to be responsible for yourself (I should talk), but it's a joy to discover your strength. (And a lot of very wonderful men find strong women beautiful, ya know...)

You are strong! Stronger than you know!

Hops

[Hopalong]

Aw, CB.
You are a wonder. You are amaaaaaazing.

It doesn't matter that it didn't come as soon as you now see would've been good.

It (getting "it") has come and you are going to make the most of it and find joy.

You so deserve it.

Hops

[poetprose]

Hi Poet,
This jumped out of the page and whapped me like an octopus arm:

I feel that it is my husbands job to stand up to the man

This may sum up why you also feel like a prisoner.

I urge you to read some very basic books on women's rights...and ask yourself why a smart grown woman should abandon her birthright voice while waiting for a man to speak for her. If you have husband who loves the protective role and does that without condescension and you enjoy receiving his protectiveness, great. Otherwise, I feel to my toe-bones that "beliefs" about what's the man's job and what's the woman's job can trap women in quicksand, and it's only late in life that the reckoning comes for how much of our precious life we've given away ...

It's YOUR life, YOUR voice. Scary as heck to be responsible for yourself (I should talk), but it's a joy to discover your strength. (And a lot of very wonderful men find strong women beautiful, ya know...)

You are strong! Stronger than you know!

Hops

Yes I know, that is my point, My voice will be used* against me and I will be the EVIL person , first it will be by my FIL, then the  sons , one is my BIL, then the other will be my own husband.........then the gossip crap , throughout the whole family ...  and the isolation will get worse,

I don't even believe in the knight in shining armor thing, in fact I'd be worried about my daughters if they reverted to that thinking....... I guess I thought (obviously erroneously), that we have appropriateness , and it is not appropriate for me to step out , because he isnt my dad ....

but then again look how well this thinking has served me......... not very damm good

[Hopalong]

and the isolation will get worse,

What could you do about your isolation, Poet?
Something new, that you've never been to or tried.

((((Poet))))

Hops

[Portia]

Poet

is it appropriate for you to honour this person who treats you badly?

Would you cross the road to talk to this person is he wasn't your H's Dad?

Maybe it's preferable for us to be alone sometimes than to allow someone to treat us like a doormat. Just because he's used to treating this people this way doesn't mean that you have to take it. It's your life! You can still love your hubby and have different views, your own feelings and thoughts and opinions.

[poetprose]

sigh...... I know I know....

you are all gonna make me face this aren'tyou?  lol

[Portia]

Poet

Recently I said some words that amazed me. It was over something really small and unimportant. I said to my H:

"I'm not doing this".

It wasn't argumentative or anything emotional. It was a flat statement of fact. And I stopped doing what I was doing (okay, I should explain, we were walking somewhere and I got uncomfortable with where we were , so i said that and turned back, totally independently of what he wanted to do or indeed what he did - it didn't affect my decision).

It's so trite but after the words came out and I re-heard them - the power! i could speak and act and not give a toss about what anyone else was doing. Although i did then give him reasons. I decided for once to follow my gut immediately without considering another person, which is very unusual for me.

small steps, big internal changes. Maybe you could try a small step?