Hops, thanks for asking. I'm not into being "right" per se. I'm just into not having things go wrong. I try to anticipate and avoid problems. This has worked very well for me in the business world. No rework. Get it right the first time and get on to the next thing.
If I screw up, I make some kind of self-deprecating remark, "You make an excellent point. I seem to have lost track of the primary objective here. Back to what we were doing." But if H screws up, his reaction to the news is not even close to reasonable. He just sort of freaks out sometimes, but not always. About two weeks ago I became aware that sometimes when he doesn't freak out he IS freaking out internally. But he's not showing his rage. He's trying to keep it bottled up, and evidently that's why he finally blows sky-high over something insignificant. The pressure can't be contained anymore. It's soooo time consuming, and a complete waste of effort. I'm just trying to make progress. But I constantly have to take time out for his tantrums, that is when I'm not explaining something to him for the umpteenth time.
I try very hard to just let it go, say nothing, assume that he knows what he's doing, not bother with the details... You tell me...
Yesterday (Sunday) I came downstairs and noticed that somebody had moved several bags of bedding that I had placed by the front door, per my step-daughter's request, for her college apartment. I asked about that and learned that my H had killed a spider, stepping on it, after it had gotten in through the front door. When he had stepped on it, it had burst open releasing hundreds of minuscule baby spiders. I asked how he had cleaned it up and he said "Paper towels." I said nothing, although I wondered if a vacuum would have done a more thorough job. I winced slightly at the thought of lots of tiny spiders crawling around the area where bags of bedding were awaiting transport, as well as the thought of them in my home. But I told myself that it would be okay, and I let the matter drop.
My step-daughter came and got the bags. After they were removed, I looked at the carpet and I could see several tiny spiders crawling away. They were really small, brown, and very hard to see. I said that we needed the vacuum. H said he'd go get it (that was nice). We got all the vacuum's pieces, and he vacuumed the rug, raking the rug attachment across the edge of the foyer hardwood where it meets the living room carpet. I hoped that the rug attachment wouldn't break the edge off the hardwood. I wondered why the loud noise every time it hit the wood didn't bother him (i.e., make him worry that he might wreck the edge of his foyer floor - read waste $). I said nothing.
He indicated that we was finished. I told him that the spiders had probably made it onto the hardwood as well, and we could never see them on that brown wood, so we needed to vacuum the wood too. I didn't say "Duh." Not even in my tone. I was very nice about it. I used to be less nice when I pointed out things that I thought were "Duh." obvious. He looked irritated about the delay in the resumption of his leisure activities. But he began to vacuum the wood, using the rug attachment, which sits too high off of a wood floor to clean up much of anything. I told him that wasn't working (again, no "Duh"). I said that we needed to attach the floor attachment. He became angry, threw the wand/rug attachment on the floor (thankfully, it did not damage the floor when he threw it down). He yelled that he wasn't going to do it then, he had been drinking his coffee! This all happened at about noon, when he had been drinking coffee for three hours.
I said that I would do the rest of the vacuuming. The thought of dozens of tiny spiders crawling away through the house across the brown hardwood floor, where one could never see them, was just disgusting. I had to do something. So I vacuumed the wooden floor, and seethed. His anger, and his failure to do the right thing, coupled with his lame attempts to garner lip-service approval of his pathetic efforts make me want to puke.
The entire event was revolting. He let his own daughter drive back to school with a car full of spiders, because he either a) didn't care, or b) didn't have the presence of mind to realize that you need a vacuum to clean up a mess like that. Then he got mad at me for helping him see which parts of our own vacuum to use. I know that he has vacuumed the wood floors before using the right attachment. Sometimes I wonder if he's losing his marbles. His dad had Alzheimer's, which got very bad in his mid-eighties. H is in his early 50's. Seems too young for that. He seems to just reach the end of his short little rope, when it comes to being told anything that he needs to do, and he can't think logically anymore.
Without an organic cause such as Alzheimer's, IMO, none of that should have happened. A grown man with an MBA, should be able to handle the management of a simple project like cleaning up a somewhat dangerous mess, and as the man of the house, I would hope that he would feel compelled to make it right, so nobody gets hurt. I know that I could not have blown off doing it right, to say nothing of allowing my daughter, or anybody else's daughter, for that matter, to end up with several bags full of bedding and baby spiders.
I constantly strive to avoid his N rage. I try to say nothing, even if I disagree. We have had horrible hours-long arguments when I tried to convince him that his opinion wasn't the only way of looking at someting, or get him to agree to do something differently for the sake of others' feeling, or to avoid stressing people out. I have finally listened to his mother, and I try to just ignore anything that doesn't require a response. I try not to care if he says things that are intended to aggravate me or others. I try not to listen to his incessant complaining. I try to see the good in him. But the complaining, the negativity, the lack of attention to the details of his own life, are all soooo boring. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to die of boredom or stress.
I would just like to know, once and for all, what is going on inside his head? What does it sound like in there?
He wants adulation, for effort that is average, if that. I just want to work as a team. Two heads are better than one. I love to do great work, as part of a team. H wants to be praised for doing great work, without having done much of anything. He resents doing real work so much that if he does do something great, and I praise him, his bitterness about having spent hours working seem to outweigh the kudos that he has earned legitimately.
Does anybody know where I can read about what goes on inside such a mind? Does this all make sense to him somehow, or does nothing have to make sense? Is this a logic-free zone?
