Dear Ami,
I am sorry to hear what you have gone through and continue to go through. It is difficult. It seems that an inordinate number of physicians are Ns. I am not sure if N's seek out that profession or if they may have a tendency because of N parents to be pushed toward that type of earning power, or prestige. Because a son or daughter who is in any high earning job brings a type of power to the parents as well. I always knew that my N-ex was cocky and a bit arrogant, but he was so very smart and good at what he did that I
accepted it. I was proud of him.But the power that he developed over his years in practice(20yrs) really seemed to corrupt his soul. Money, power, women throwing themselves at his feet, all of this was more than he could handle. Or maybe it was just what he wanted.
I did not have N parents. My Dad was wonderful, a welder in a steel mill, and my Mom is wonderful too. They were good and kind and wanted me to succeed and be happy. They were happily married for 47 years when Dad died. Mom is still supporting me in any way she can. (She brought dinner over tonight-she's 77!)
I ended up with my N-ex because he was handsome and charming and I was seduced by his intellect, as well as his ability to play and laugh and we really hit it off. The room ws alive when he was in it.We were happy ( I was happy the whole time) rather he was happy until the kids came and our lives changed. We used to go out a lot and party and we did alot of traveling. Life changed and by the 3rd kid, he wasn't having as much fun. I think that was it. He couldn't recenter his life to make the kids a part of a new whole. He still wanted the late nights at the bars and the same life, just with kids. I didn't like late nights or partying anymore because I had early mornings with little ones. I really expected that he would also change in that way,and he did not at all.He gets 14 weeks vacation a year and always wanted to travel, but the kids were in school. We basically cramped his style. I have no doubt that he loves his sons very much, as much as he knows how. He just doesn't understand anything about the sacrifices that parents make for their kids. For example, my son had a percussion solo in 8th grade.N-ex refused to go. He shamed my son into dropping out of the band because N-ex didn't approve. Not manly to be in the band. He told me in front of my son that he wasn't going because I pushed my son into band. While I did require him to take an instrument, I felt that N-ex did a terrible disservice to our son by refusing to go. N-ex looked at my son and said do you care if I go or not, and my son said NO, but I could see the hurt and confusion on his face. I almost cried when we got there, all the families were videotaping and so proud,and my jerk N is at home watching the news. I think N wanted to blame his bad behavior on me so he turned it into"you made him play in the band", therefore you are bad not me. Meanwhile my son was also in a rock band and was very talented.
My N was really always nice to me until he decided he was done, and he moved on with the ultrasound tech. I think he was with her for 2-3 years of our marriage, and that was when he started being cold and indifferent and downright mean to me. Prior to that he was not "in touch with his feminine side", but he was nice to me. Very generous and even considerate in some ways. Never emotional or expressive of feelings, but pleasant. His needs were always met so he was happy. When he was being so miserable I would ask him what was wrong and he would blame it on work.Meanwhile he was leading a double life.
I appreciate you saying what you said about being careful in marriage again. I doubt that I will ever marry again. I like having a boyfriend. I like having my own bathroom. I like sleeping alone a lot of nights. I stil have 3 sons at home. My boyfriend would like to marry as soon as I divorce, which is drawn out. But I told him I may never marry. I told him I like just having a boyfriend, albeit a very special boyfriend. He is a blacksmith and artist in steel. Very earthy. Likes to camp. N-ex wouldn't camp, too much "white trash" at the campgrounds.
How do you keep your boys from turning against you? I try very hard to never say anything bad about their dad as they get very defensive. They know the facts. When he first left and I then found out a week later about the girlfriend I told them. But I think he has told them all sorts of things about how I changed and he didn't feel the same and lots of people are unhappy but they don't have the courage to leave. (So now he is the courageous hero- the courageous hero that packed up and moved out while we were at the amusement park for the weekend[he doesn't do amusement parks either-"too much white trash"!]). I was so floored. He was at the house when we got home, and he said we needed to talk. I thought he was sick. I was so scared for him! And he tells me he moved out. He had been unhappy for 10 years! I was really in shock. We had sex 2 nights before, and had just came back from a trip to Arizona with the kids. It sure seemed like we had fun.
My N-ex was very mean also when anybody was sick. God forbid one of the kids got a sore throat! He would never yell or get loud. Just cold and dissapproving. Like you feel bad for having a sore throat because it makes him unhappy. When my kids stayed home sick from school, if we were playing a board game, as soon as they heard his car, they would jump on the couch and pull the blankets up to their chin and look very sick!And when I had chemo treatments he just ignored me. He went along and read the paper and went out to lunch and I sat there, and my wonderful girlfriends were always there for me to fill in the holes. Boyfriend would have held my hand, made me laugh, rubbed my back. My friends brought meals when I was sick. N -ex hated that. He only ate the best food, so how could he eat some "cassarole." One of the times that I stood up to him he said" call Mary and tell her to stop organizing these meals! I'm sick of it!" I said If you want her to stop, you call her. He never did. He had a way of trying to set me up as the bad guy. Some of his friends told me after he left that he would say that I was a bitch and never let hin do anything. That was so untrue, because I loved it when he left! It was my vacation when he was out of the house. The vibes were happy and light. He changed the air.
I've gone on for way to long, it just feels good to let it out. I may get a copy of Vaknin's book. I've not read it.
How old are your sons? Do they treat you in a condescending way? Does N?
Thanks for listening Ami,
Peace,
McGirl