Author Topic: Sometimes we have to finally face the facts------  (Read 2643 times)

isittoolate

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Sometimes we have to finally face the facts------
« on: May 24, 2007, 07:44:09 PM »
I wanted a new computer because my Compaq didn't have a CD drive. Times were changing and I would have to upgrade to Win 95. A friend helped me. We saw an ad in the paper for exactly what I needed. So Lance checked it out, I paid for it ($1200.00) and he brought it to me and hooked me up.

He noticed that the video card was faulty so, since he was leaving on a trip, told me to called the guy and get a new video card. Two days later the seller came. He was the N.

We took off like two bats outta hell and he said he was moving from Ontario to BC. We still kept seeing each other and I recall saying, "I miss you already and you're not even gone". He replied with, "Who knows. You might come with me!"

Well I did and spent 4 years of hell.

In retrospect, in spite of all the charm  --yada , yada -- we moved together.

In hindsight, I needed him, who built the computer from scratch, to be my technician,

In hindsight, I needed an excuse to get away from my family, daughter included.

In hindsight, I never loved him at all.


As time progressed with OUR business, he would take parts from my computer that I bought, and say something like, "I need this for a cheaper computer I'm building, so am giving you this new video/sound card, new this, new that."--until I was upgraded to one version below XP.

My response was that it was coming from the inventory of OUR business.

I said I was leaving . He said I could not take the computer with me, unless I paid him $1600.00.

I said, "F*** You! I will buy another one and you will have NO part of it." (New HP cost me $1500.00 and he sold mine for $500.00)

So I am facing the fact that I needed an escape, and he was it, as well as a built in technician.


OOPS--hit Post too soon,

sometimes we create our own HELL.

Just checking in........................


xxoo
Izzy


« Last Edit: May 24, 2007, 07:49:14 PM by isittoolate »

Hopalong

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Re: Sometimes we have to finally face the facts------
« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2007, 08:49:04 PM »
Hey Izzz...

You got permission to be human and make errors in judgment?

((((((((((Izz))))))))))))

Hops
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isittoolate

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Re: Sometimes we have to finally face the facts------
« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2007, 09:33:22 PM »
Yes Hops,

I did

Ain't it grand when the pieces fit???? after 4 years of physical freedom, yet the Questions linger on, then BOOM!

Iz

axa

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Re: Sometimes we have to finally face the facts------
« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2007, 05:59:41 AM »
Izzy,

Missed Ya......... not seen you around a lot lately.  Anyway, interesting theme.  I met XN six months after my daughter had died and I was not aware of how fragile I was.  He offered me, a loving relationship, a motherless daughter, a family.......... or so I thought.  My T said to me recently that there was no way I would have stayed with him so long if my daughter was alive and I think she was right.  I had been so involved in caring for my daughter that there was a huge vacuum in my life and he presto here comes super guy to fill the void.  Wish I had know that he was looking for an unpaid childminder, cleaner, interior designer, counsellor, dog minder, etc...... would not have applied for the job.  I was so vulnerable, it makes me so mad to think about it.  I was ripe for the picking. 

Funny when my daughter's best friend met him she said she needed to check him out for my D since she was not around.  Her opinion "He is very strange" ............. out of the mouths of babes.

Good to hear from you IZZ

Axa

isittoolate

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Re: Sometimes we have to finally face the facts------
« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2007, 03:38:58 PM »
Hi axa,

BOY! We all have to watch, if we've been fooled once.

I think the fragile state you mentioned makes us all the more vulnerable to the initial charm of an N. We see this differently than the objective persoon.

There is a guy in my building, 43, single......................... okay what is the matter with him?

I am 68 and we are both computer geeks, always trying to find new ways of doing things etc. and he had asked me once how to make a movie work on a website. so that is what we have in common. I met him on the street again yesterday and we had a long talk. He said we ought to go out for a drink sometime.

When I think about some of the things I said, being he is my daughter's age, I said a bit too much. What was he thinking.........................?? planning..................?

I had been talking about how 'things happen for a reason', yada, and my being in a wheelchair, yada, --if someone cracks you up in an accident you sue him. STOP!! Too much information!--------but I was talking to such a young guy, I ought not worry. after knowing 3 Ns.

So now he will bear watching! His mother lives here too, in her own apartment., next to his. She and I ought be chatting not him and me.

Paranoia and Ns "rain" (reign) supreme!

xx
Izzy



Confounded

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Re: Sometimes we have to finally face the facts------
« Reply #5 on: May 30, 2007, 04:25:49 PM »
Izzy, you did not know.  We assume that others are reasonable.  We think that if we have had a problem with one man, and we get away from that one, then the next one will seem normal because he IS normal.  We jump too fast, because we want it to be true.  We want somebody like us.  We want to share our happiness.  They look good, they feel good, they seem to be JUST FINE.

We don't know that one day we're going to be asking an expert, "What IS this?  This inability to admit to any mistake, no matter how trivia or obvious?"  We don't know we're going to be blown away by a diagnosis we know nothing about.  "He has N tendencies."  OMG...  What does that mean?  Bottom line...  It means he's screwed, and you're screwed, again.

But you did not know.  Now you know.  Then you didn't, and it was not unreasonable to assume that he was reasonable.  What we know now is that it was unreasonable to move too quickly.  We didn't give them enough time to show their true colors before committing ourselves to them and making it hard to get away from them.  We thought that the whirlwind aspect of the romance was wonderful, flattering, a sign of strength.  We didn't realize that it might be a sign of wanting to finalize things before we found out the truth and changed our minds.

Slowly the dynamic changes.  Slowly we pull away, at least enough to feel better.
 

Stormchild

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Re: Sometimes we have to finally face the facts------
« Reply #6 on: May 30, 2007, 08:34:11 PM »
Izzy, you did not know.  We assume that others are reasonable.  We think that if we have had a problem with one man, and we get away from that one, then the next one will seem normal because he IS normal.  We jump too fast, because we want it to be true.  We want somebody like us.  We want to share our happiness.  They look good, they feel good, they seem to be JUST FINE.

We don't know that one day we're going to be asking an expert, "What IS this?  This inability to admit to any mistake, no matter how trivia or obvious?"  We don't know we're going to be blown away by a diagnosis we know nothing about.  "He has N tendencies."  OMG...  What does that mean?  Bottom line...  It means he's screwed, and you're screwed, again.

But you did not know.  Now you know.  Then you didn't, and it was not unreasonable to assume that he was reasonable.  What we know now is that it was unreasonable to move too quickly.  We didn't give them enough time to show their true colors before committing ourselves to them and making it hard to get away from them.  We thought that the whirlwind aspect of the romance was wonderful, flattering, a sign of strength.  We didn't realize that it might be a sign of wanting to finalize things before we found out the truth and changed our minds.

Slowly the dynamic changes.  Slowly we pull away, at least enough to feel better.
 

Yes, yes, yes... !!!!!!!
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

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isittoolate

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Re: Sometimes we have to finally face the facts------
« Reply #7 on: May 30, 2007, 08:40:47 PM »
Confounded and Stormchild

I didn't understand what that had to do with my first post about admitting some awful truths to myself---nor even the young man from my building. I don't think of him as an N. I was being careful.

Is that what you responded to?--that I was being careful with a young man my daughter's age?

izzy

Stormchild

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Re: Sometimes we have to finally face the facts------
« Reply #8 on: May 30, 2007, 08:44:07 PM »
That you are being careful is a good thing, Iz, whether in friendships, romances, or acquaintanceships.

Confounded explains so beautifully why it is that we often aren't careful enough... and I was agreeing with her explanation, as well as cheering your caution.

:-)
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

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Confounded

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Re: Sometimes we have to finally face the facts------
« Reply #9 on: May 31, 2007, 12:04:36 PM »
I guess I'm just saying that I hope you can learn from the experience of having jumped into something super-fast, only to find that it was a big mistake.  Your assumption that the fellow in your bldg might have issues seems valid.  Maybe you are listening to your instincts now.  They may be highly attuned to trouble, after having been around it for so long.

You are not alone.  Many of us moved very quickly, based on incorrect, but seemingly reasonable, assumptions.  I can relate.  By the time I had my first argument with my H, we were already engaged.  I remember thinking that if we hadn't been engaged already, I might have stopped seeing him.  But the idea of announcing my engagement and then backing out of it so quickly seemed to be such a flaky thing to do, I thought I'd better just calm down and try to see if I couldn't get along with this very handsome peer.  I was determined, and once I set my mind to something, I can usually make it happen. 

Now, 4.5 years later, I watch him with keen interest, and a completely different standpoint.  I have been through hell, depression, endless crying, feeling terrible about his supposed preference for his late first wife (before I learned from others that she was weak and depressed).  But now that's over.  I know that this is just a man with another set of problems.  XH had HUGE problems.  These are less huge.  But I'm the good-looking genius from a wealthy family, who absolutely loves sex.  How could I possibly end up in this situation?  Same as you.  I moved to quickly.  I thought that our fast engagement was wonderful... 

You know what?  Maybe it was.  That first argument was about the way I dealt with a health club employee who was bothering me, giving me unwanted, incorrect instructions, having interrupted a flirtatious conversation with my fiancee.  I politely blew her off.  I later learned that she had been talking to my fiancee a few minutes before, and it is very likely that she came over to instruct me simply to gain access to him (I note that he and I were giving each other approval, and when she jumped in she gave me disapproval and him approval).  At the time, all I knew was that I didn't like the fact that she interrupted us, started telling me how to use the machine even though my body language was clearly telling her to go away, and to top it all off her instructions were different from what her boss had taught me.  I told her I got my instructions from her boss, and effectively dismissed her.  Later I advised mgt that she needed to be talked to about her interaction with members.  When I asked my F later if he could believe what she had done, he said that I shouldn't have treated her that way.  No matter how many times i explained that she wasn't supposed to do that to members, he would not budge.  I cried and briefly considered breaking off our engagement.

Now, I have to look at myself.  Maybe I was too much of a bitch, too reactive.  I don't think I needed to report her to mgt.  I think maybe that was angry behavior modeled after my N mother.  I have to face those demons.  So maybe this is exactly where I was supposed to me, so that I could deal with the stuff inside me that my N mother put there.  She is a quitessential bitch, and I could work on being less of one.

Grandmother used to say that God's plan is perfect.  I always thought that she was right.  I do feel the need to look inward, and it has taken all of this for me to do that.

Izzy, we're all learning, in my case rather slowly...     

Stormchild

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Re: Sometimes we have to finally face the facts------
« Reply #10 on: May 31, 2007, 10:43:08 PM »
Confounded, I'm gonna disagree with you, but you'll end up liking the result I hope.

You were not the bitch.

The staffer was trying to put you down in front of your own fiance, for heaven's sake, blatantly competing with you for the attention of the man you were going to marry? and HE TOOK HER SIDE???

No, you were not the bitch. Your fiance was the bitch, if you see what I mean.

One thing I've learned in relationships is that if the man is either too clueless to recognize this kind of predatory behavior from other females, or he actively rewards it, the man is ultimately going to abuse you.

He'll cheat, or he'll 'fall into' an affair [yeah, right, he had no idea she was after anything until it was too late, and pigs may fly], or he'll find a way to make everyone, anyone, including total strangers on the street, more important to him than you are. And when you notice this and are wounded by it, he'll try to claim that you are defective.

You was not the beeyotch in this exchange. Nope. Uh uh.
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

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debkor

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Re: Sometimes we have to finally face the facts------
« Reply #11 on: May 31, 2007, 11:06:21 PM »
Heh,

I remember a conversation once with a girl who liked my husband (not married at the time though). You could see that she was obviously annoyed with me that I was even alive. You know how people try to be nice but really phony about it.
She talked to me about some insane thing, rambling on, because I knew she was dead jealous and sounding like a nut just so she could interupt the conversation yet she was so mad.  I was listening and listening then listening some more, boring!! then she called me HONEY! she got the hint finally when I said what did you say SWEETHEART!!
That was the end of that. She got the hint. 
Only thing is now I wish she would of kept it up and won him over saved me the headache.  They could of rambled on and bored each other to death. 

Deb

Confounded

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Re: Sometimes we have to finally face the facts------
« Reply #12 on: May 31, 2007, 11:20:49 PM »
Stormchild, I agree with you, except the part about ratting her out to her superiors.  I was actively trying to get somebody to stop her from doing that in the future, and if that meant getting her fired, I was fine with that. At this point I think that I could have skipped that part.

Having had 4.5 years to think about it, I agree with you about the actual exchange, in which I was shocked, yet quite civil.  Only H knew at the time that he had been talking to her just a few minutes before.  All I knew was that something was happening that was not good and didn't exactly make sense, and I wanted her to stop interrupting our moment.  But it was gone...  Nothing I could do was going to restore it.  In fact, we had our first fight over it.  I had many arguments to go, and lots of hours in counseling with H, and many more hours of research and soul searching, plus talking to H's mom, before I would conclude that there is no point in arguing with H past a very early point in an argument.  He will never admit that I'm right.  Just being right will have to be enough for me.  I was stopped caring what he says.  How can I care?  I recants much of what he says, with the explanation that he knew it wasn't true when he said it, he just said it because he was mad (not because he believed it at any point).  Much of the rest he forgets.  So why would I bother?  It would be foolish to continue to care, knowing what I now know.

But in my most recent inner work, I have had to face the fact that some of who I am reflects my N mom's super bitchy, self-centered behavior.  When I take all of that into account, I feel that I could be more compassionate to those who are less fortunate.  The health club worker was about my same age, which is a little old for that job.  Most people would have moved on to bigger and better things by that age.  She probably wasn't very bright.  She had no idea that H was my fiance (I don't wear my rings when I work out).  He's attractive, and she was trying to strike something up with him.  He's the clueless type, sort of shy, not a cheater, just very happy to be getting attention from a female.  He was thinking, "What?  Two females right next to me and liking me at the same time?  Oh!  I must be dreaming!  Pinch me!  Am I actually awake?  Why is my finace acting like she wants this other woman to go away?  She is blowing her off?  Oh.  Well, good-bye then.  What just happened?  I don't know.  She looks good from the back...  Where were we?  Hmmm...  I think I'm hungry..."

Deb, "Only thing is now I wish she would of kept it up and won him over saved me the headache."  Come to think of it, I imagine that she might have been more his speed.  He just liked me because I told him that I liked him.  I did.  It was the absolute truth.  Sometimes I still do.  But at other times I feel as if I'm observing a very odd homo sapien. 
« Last Edit: May 31, 2007, 11:29:10 PM by Confounded »

Hopalong

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Re: Sometimes we have to finally face the facts------
« Reply #13 on: June 01, 2007, 12:08:45 AM »
Hi Confounded,

Boy is this a grownup realization.
Quote
in my most recent inner work, I have had to face the fact that some of who I am reflects my N mom's super bitchy, self-centered behavior.  When I take all of that into account, I feel that I could be more compassionate to those who are less fortunate.

I really admire you for looking at yourself honestly...this is what leads to spiritual maturity, wisdom, and best of all, peace.

You do deserve peace in your life. It's not the same as boredom.

And then you can take on personal challenges, I dunno, whale tickling or something, that do something for your soul.

Keep this up and you'll really be unstuck. Happy, even.

Bless you for seeing and owning all of who you are.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."