Really bummed

[lighter]

I don't expect anything from him.  When I think about it, he's not stood up for me in the past, so I can't expect it now. I had my counseling session tonight.  If nothing else it help me put things in perspective.  My counselor's advice is to combat my negative thinking with positive thoughts.  It was good, even though I spent most of it ranting.

Boy, sometimes I look forward to my therapist appt JUST TO RANT THE ENTIRE TIME!  And I needed to rant if I did.  Most of the time my therapist is pretty sorry that things are so unfair and he's sorry nothing can really be done in the present to RIGHT anything.  HOW FRUSTRATING!

I'm just sitting here feeling violated and sullied by this new layer of the world that I've become aware of.  I knew that bad things happen in the world, I just didn't realize there were so many subtle variations of soul murdering tactics (that are near impossible to pin point and nail down so you can deal with it and make yourself clearly understood on the facts.)  Truly IMPROBABLE that parents would devour their young for NO GOOD REASON so it's hard to make yourself/ourselves understood to other people, in any meaningful way when we/you/anyone tries to explain NPD and how it affects those in the orbit of that disorder.  People should care, but it's just plain hard to wrap their minds around it.  Improbable that your mother and father would actually DO THE THINGS you say they've done.  Sure.  But there it is. 

I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that the District Attorney would spend more time trying to prove you're story is false, than prosecute your mother.  <shaking head>  The rage in my stomach is red and it's hot and my back is seizing with the epic INJUSTICE of that scenario!  I have my own version of that right now within the legal system and those who are supposed to help me, have been holding my hands to my sides so I can be beaten, figuratively.  ANOTHER EPIPHANY!  I HAVE TO MAKE A MOVED AND GET MYSELF OUT OF ANOTHER MESS I made trying to get myself out of another mess!  Cost me dearly!  In every way and it's improbable and unfair and I wonder if my body can take everything I have to go through.  <clearing throat>

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH what the hell?!  I gotta rant a bit more, loll.  It makes me so MAD that things are so UNFAIR on elementary levels of humanity and NOT ONLY IS IT DIFFICULT TO DOOOOO something about it!  It's good and GD impossible, so covert and sinister and under society's radar!  So even if we do <gasp>say it out loud, society tends to marginalize if not out and out deny what we're saying or, God forbid, wonder what the victim did to get themselves into that position.  ARGH!


Oh my God I hope I'm not ranting through my entire day.  It could happen, lol.

Eh, anger is a clarifying emotion that helps define who we are and give us the energy to change our circumstances.  That's where I live right now.  <sigh>  That's where you live right now.  Our unfair circumstances won't be changing unless we make heroic efforts to fend for ourselves in an unfair fight where we feel awful for having to attack (back) people who should be protecting us. 

OMG, that is so sad and I feel so bad for us all.  Every once in a while I feel I should be able to save everyone in my family, then I want to shake myself until my teeth rattle.  I can't even save myself, up to this point.  So very sad.

OK, back on topic.

Keep fighting tayana.  Have you gotten anywhere with those decisions about where to move?  You can always ask your father for help, though keeping your expectations in check will keep you from being bitterly dissapointed, once again, if he continues to do what he's always done. Nothing.  (((tayana))) So sorry about that. 

Think how strong you'll be once you've overcome this and are feeling better and parenting WITHOUT all this static and negative hurtful behavior aimed at your head.  You are so gonna rock and what an amazing Gramma you'll make!  You'll be so wise once you get this all behind you.

[tayana]

Boy, sometimes I look forward to my therapist appt JUST TO RANT THE ENTIRE TIME!  And I needed to rant if I did.  Most of the time my therapist is pretty sorry that things are so unfair and he's sorry nothing can really be done in the present to RIGHT anything.  HOW FRUSTRATING!

I pretty much ranted the whole time, and I kept having crying fits before the appointment. I now have assignments for this week to work on, mostly countering my negative thinking with positive thoughts.  I'm skeptical about that one, but we'll try it.  And I did look forward to the appointment the entire time just so I could rant and have someone tell me that I was okay and didn't deserve what was going on and that it would get better as soon as I could move.

I think one of the lessons I learned from my nmom is that the world isn't going to help me out.  The only person I can really depend on is me, and I'm the only one who can fix things.  She hates that by the way.  She hates that I'm trying to fix the mess she created.  She wanted to be the one to clean it all up so she could have me all indebted to her.

I'm going to look at another apartment today.  I called the other complex just to see if there was anything I could do, but no, there wasn't.  I'll just be upfront about the credit issue, now that I know it's an issue, and see if that makes a difference.  It makes no sense to me why I can't rent an apartment when my credit score is high. 

I do a lot of visualization about what life will be like when it's just me and my son.  I know it won't be easy, especially at first, but my son and I get along so much better when it's just the two of us.  I was trying to think yesterday, what my nmom actually does WITH him during the day, and the answer was not much.  She gets frustrated with him, and mostly he does what he wants all day.  Yesterday, he helped me do some cleaning.  He decided on his own that he wanted to sweep the floor, so I let him.  We played a boardgame last night.  He hasn't wanted to do that for a while, and it was fun.  I keep thinking what it will be like when I can live without thinking, "What will she think?  What will she say?"  I keep thinking what it will be like to buy my son clothes without hearing, "That's hideous, take it back."  Or being able to leave food on my plate without hearing, "Why didn't you eat?  Don't you like my cooking."  or "My cooking makes you sick." 

I'm rather disheartened by the legal system as well.  I haven't heard from my lawyer since I gave him his check.  I'd like to know there's at least a little progress to clean up this mess.

[tayana]

LIghter, CB,

We're all going to get through this, or we wouldn't be here.  Sometimes it's hard to remember to keep fighting.  I was so sad all day yesterday, and at one point my son saw me crying and wanted to know what was wrong.  I told him I was sad and that it was okay to be sad and cry sometimes.  He said and it's okay to cry when you're angry or happy too, and i said yes.  I never told him why I was sad.

It's okay for us to be mad and rant all day.  It's okay to be sad and spend a day crying too.  It's all part of accepting what happened and moving on.

[Ami]

Dear CB,
   I want a  ticket to the Land of Normal.I have left the world of the Big Monsters(FOO) and am currently in the land of Little Monsters (H).
  The hardest part of the journey is finding  the way up the trecherous mountains(N's  perceptions of life ) , swim the dangerous waters(  The N's lies))
until I get to  the beautiful forest(my loving myself ,nurturing and caring very gently for myself).
                                                                                 End of Story                      Love Ami

[lighter]

<sigh>  Oh CB.

What would I do without you, lol?  

I'm going through the stunned into paralasys phase of eating for comfort and filling myself beyond full.  I'm physically falling apart today and don't exactly know why and didn't see it coming, quite frankly.  OK, I had a strange night and didn't get much sleep.  

I get so scared when my body betrays me.  My foot is better today, and I still have no idea what the hell happened to it in the first place.  

I half expect to find no help when I seek new councel tomorrow.  I have back ups but, it makes my stomach flip to picture getting a cold look of doubt instead of an enthusiastic oath of relentless violent legal remedies designed to drive my N beserko in an efficient timely manner.

What scares me more is receiving that promise and getting no action.  Again.  

So, thanks for your post.  I understand it on a couple levels and the peace is on the way.  I'll stop expecting justice and understanding and settle for freedom and the ability to survive and start again.  

Lord knows I'll be stronger, wiser and better prepared to deal with life at every level.  

I'll be a better parent too.  

Those are all good things and I'll try to concentrate on that today, try to break this compulsive thinking about how unfair things are and how the best I can hope for is to come out alive and free with nothing that belongs to me or that I'm entitled to.  Including living without fear.  

[Hopalong]

Hey (((((((Tayana))))))))),

It's an endurance test and you have youth and love for your son and determination on your side. Can I try to cheer you up by sharing with you something that could be, if you look at it a certain way, just a little bit funny?

...mostly countering my negative thinking with positive thoughts.  I'm skeptical about that one...

   I know when I have a little of the fog lift and laugh at my ownself, things are instantly brighter. It's hard to do though, so don't feel bad if it ain't working!

((((Lighter))), you hang in there, and don't beat yourself up for having a very emotive day. It's okay! And what's more you're right, imo. I agree. Thank you for venting for me too!

Hops

[tayana]

Hey Hops.  It's been a very good day for me.  Things are looking up.  I have one more major hurdle.  The moving out speech.  At least the place I went to today seems to want to rent to me, as long as I jump through some hoops.  I don't care that the building's a little worn around the edges and it's smaller than I wanted.  I can't bring myself to care at all.  If I get it, it's mine, and that's all that matters. 

I try to laugh at myself, but yesterday, I couldn't laugh at all.  Sometimes, this situation is so ridiculous it has to be funny.