Customer with a Nasty Narcissistic Attitude

[discouraged]

Just need to vent a little.  I have been dealing with a mean narcissist customer all week.  This is not someone I a) choose to be around (but am stuck with for the moment) b) will have to deal with again, at least not regularly c) only have to tolerate for about another week.

It's still hard, despite reminding myself of the above continually.

I'm wondering how one goes about distracting an N in such a situation.  She loves to talk about herself, and that seemed to work for awhile..but now she has figured out how fun it is to throw tantrums over things I do (get angry) and make jokes at my expenses (she attacks, subtely).  She also seems to have honed in on me as her current Victim.  She has gone so far as to get some of my coworkers on her side, wilst teasing or scapegoating me, I have noticed them join in - either consciously or subconsiously, they've seemed to glom onto the fact that if they attack me too, she won't attack them (this is a very intersting dynamic) - note these are people who are otherwise very respectful and dare I say, even Nice!

I liked it better in the beginning, when she was just happy being the center of attention and yakking incessantly to whoever would listen to her stories.  It's All About Me - is her theme.   I cannot walk away from this person (well I could, but it would hurt me in my job), I need to just deal with her for just a little bit more...

I'm wondering, as I've seemed to have forgotten - what are the techniques for damage control with an N?

For examaple, I made a mistake the other day about the time and said aloud jokingly, "silly me, I'm not good at math."  Under her breath, and to the closest person she could find (who interestingly, has been stuck to her elbow for the past week, as we've worked together, hanging on Every one of her words) she snarls (loud enough so I can hear) That's Scary!

When I came up with a solution to her problem, she got really peeved (it felt), but instead of saying this - as it'd be inappropriate, since solving our current problem is what we're currently supposed to be doing - she angrily huffed as she typed (she's coincidentally playing "secretary," keeping detailed notes about all the work we've been doing):  Uhhhh!  Could - you - just - STOP - let me finish what I'm doing here, before we go on to the Next thing. you want to talk about. 

(I politely waited, without saying a word in response).  Finally in about 3 minutes (which seemed like an eternity), when she was done typing furiously with dramatic aggression, she said "OK, NOW WHAT WAS IT YOU WANTED??"  I replied - don't worry about it, you just captured exactly what I said, we're in violent agreement - in sort of a monotone drone.

The thing is this - I'm trying Not to piss her off, whilst letting her feel superior..  In other words, I'm sacrificing a lot of dignity, just so we don't have a huge blowup.  The thing is, if she gets what she wants (a blowup, drama, or any sort of reaction with me) it will just make Me look bad.  I don't want to get into with her, in other words.  I'm trying to get through this, with No drama.  I know it is not the N's way - they want attention.  And they'll do horrendous things for attention.  Including things that are totally Not appropriate with their colleuges.  But it is the colleuges that end up looking bad, not them.  Whilst they skip off scott free.

Ick.

I'm glad I don't work with this N full-time.  I'd have to find another job.

I really don't enjoy this, but hey, it's going to be a learning experience.

So there I am.

[teartracks]

Links and comments on this thread may help, Discouraged.

http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=11.0

tt

[JanetLG]

Discouraged,

I really feel for you on this one - N's at work can be a real pain! At least you know it's only for a limited time, otherwise, as you say, you'd have to change jobs.

It might not help for this one, as there's not much time to practice, but the book The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defence by Suzette Haden Elgin is brilliant for how to deal with exactly the kind of person that you're having to.

Her main idea is that when people do this 'subtle' undermining, they wrap up the insults in sentences and questions that have an 'apparent' meaning, and an 'underlying' meaning, which is the sneaky bit. Off the top of my head, without having the book in front of me, I remember that her suggestion for many situations is to go into 'computer mode' - that is, if a comment is made to you, to not actually respond in the way they'd expect, and not to question *their* motives for saying it (as Ami says, this person must be seeing you as a threat, and they'd only start spouting off more insults to try to justify the first attack), but to say something that defuses the impact such as 'That's an interesting idea. I'll have to think about that one'. And then refuse to talk about it any more.

I'm just glad for you that this person is only in your workplace for a short time, and that you've already got the insight to know what they're up to!

Janet

[discouraged]

thank you everyone who responded, this is great advice.

I just thought of what might be considered classical "majical thinking" on her part.

This was another slam, but it wasn't directed at me (so I guess I can be lucky for that).  Also, I do vaguely remember gloming on myself...oooh, I don't like that I did that, but I guess I was protecting me subconsciously, at that moment (so I guess I can forgive my coworkers, for doing the same, huh?)  ick, being around an N is so uncomfortable for everyone.  They can upset the apple cart, or tip the boat or whatever the appropriate cliche is, in so many subtle ways..

Anyway, this is what she said to another coworker of hers (must also view her as a threat, that is a great point, thanks for making it).

N:  I just remembered that you have a conceled weapons carrying permit....
(I can't remember how she even worked this into the conversation, but it was classic posturing - as it was brought up at the most uncomfortable time, when we were all sitting in a conference room together - her coworker turned bright red, I'm sure she was so embarrassed.  It was not a compliment, in other words - what she said next proved it).

Me:  So, we better not piss you off? (said whilst trying to sound joking, while looking at N's coworker - but it came across sounding more like a slam oh dear, why did I just say that, I thought immediately, after saying it)

N:  I had a former coworker who had a conceled weapons permit, and I had a dream one time that he came into work and started picking everybody off...it was so freaky, I couldn't see him the same way after that. 
(is this magical thinking?  or paranoia, or both?  I think both!  So in one glib comment, the N has managed to make everyone else in the room doubt her coworker's sanity - sneaky!  the gloming on on my part was when I said what I said above - why did I say that?  I'm not usually mean like this - especially not to someone I really like, which is the case for N's coworker!)

N's coworker: (meekly) ya...(looking like a bright red lobster, not sure what to say, I bet)

---------------------------------------------

I was just going through, in my mind, all the responses to this that could have diffused the situation a little better.  N's are so shocking, at the time I just felt unbalanced, but not knowing exactly why (I'm not usually attacked, nor do I typically see others get attacked in this manner, so I was not expecting it). I was having trouble understanding what to do next, if anything.

I guess I could have said (under my breath so just N's coworker might here it?):  feeling paranoid???

When the N attacked earlier, I think I could have said:  Feeling frustrated? (in computer voice)...then, no matter what her response (Yes!  You're always saying what you are t-h-i-n-k-i-n-g - I can imagine her saying this, since this is exactly something she also did say to me at one point yesterday.

  "Thinking" was said like it was something horrible - like burping rudely, or picking my teeth after a meal - she said it disgustingly.  Also, I obviously felt I was taking up too much oxygen - by her tone, I think this is exactly what she intended me to feel too.


It's so tricky, cause with N's, you have to respond a little (to avoid a bigger attack) - cause they want supply.  So you can't exactly ignore them just altogther, although this was my instinct yesterday.

[discouraged]

I forgot to finish my thought -

then, no matter what her response, I could just sit there, turning bright red myself, or whatever.  And let her feel superior??


It's really tough cause I've been trying so hard to massage her ego, but it all feels fake (and I'm afraid my acting is not so good, not so convincing.. and she's on to me...)  I've had a fake smile pasted on my face for the last week, around her..

I noticed others (my coworkers) have been sucking up to her as much as possible, asking her about her this or that when we should really be discussing work.  It's funny because we've talked more about her than our problem in the last week, I believe.  This is so uncharcteristic of us to digress from Work as much as we have been.

[Hopalong]

My evil twin Doris is having this fantasy, Discouraged.

She says something snarky and belittling just as though she were Paris Hilton and you were, god forbid, a nerd.

You swiftly round on her, put your face directly in front of hers (no closer than the normal public space distance) and say in a very calm but mildly intense voice, with firm but not aggressive eye contact:

I want you to stop it. Right now. I want to solve what we're working on and your nastiness is sabotaging the work.
...no matter what she says next you interrupt:

STOP. Right now. Thank you. Let's go on. [repeat any time and every time necessary]

...then just very politely resume by picking up wherever you were.

Ahh well. Nobody ever let me write the script of life and I never have the presence of mind for the great scripts I write for everybody else, but for what it's worth, I feel your pain!

Hops

[Bella_French]

My evil twin Doris is having this fantasy, Discouraged.

She says something snarky and belittling just as though she were Paris Hilton and you were, god forbid, a nerd.

You swiftly round on her, put your face directly in front of hers (no closer than the normal public space distance) and say in a very calm but mildly intense voice, with firm but not aggressive eye contact:

I want you to stop it. Right now. I want to solve what we're working on and your nastiness is sabotaging the work.
...no matter what she says next you interrupt:

STOP. Right now. Thank you. Let's go on. [repeat any time and every time necessary]

...then just very politely resume by picking up wherever you were.

Ahh well. Nobody ever let me write the script of life and I never have the presence of mind for the great scripts I write for everybody else, but for what it's worth, I feel your pain!

Hops

Lol. I lioved your post Hopalong!!

My standard response to narcisissits at work is to respond with sincerity`` I see your point!'' (and I will have genuinely tried to see where they are coming from). I'll even reinterate what that point may be, and expand on its legitimacy, before trying to get my (opposing) point across.

I think Narcissists really want and need to be heard above all else, even if what they say is dumb, and even if they know it themselves. Once they feel heard, they'll agree to an opposing view if it is offered respectfully and intelligently. The whole anxiety for them is that noone will hear them or respect them.

The other thing I've noticed about most narcissists is that they are often very bright. That is why they will accept another point of view, if it is an intelligent one. You've just got to make them feel `listened to ' first.

Heck, you can tell I've worked with too many N's, can't you?

[gratitude28]

Hi Discouraged,
If it makes you feel any better, I worked as a personal assistant for a woman like this for a year. Spent a long while depressed afterwards... Somehow I mostly knew she was crazy, though, and a few coworkers told me I was an angel to have put up with her so I felt a bit better when leaving. You can assume your coworkers know you are not the one who is nuts.
I love Hopsy's idea- but it will take balls, as it were (pardon my expression!!!). That is something I generally lack.
Did you find other ideas on the links????? I will be curious to see how you handle it!!!!
Wishing you strength!!!!!
Love, Beth

[lighter]

Oh Lord.  I'm so sorry you're in this position. 

I'm better off when I get my head into the mode where I'm just grateful that I'm NOT that N and I know I'll, at least, be able to continue having a fairly normal life where everyone around me doesn't end up wanting to cut their throat when I'm in their presense. 

When that N moves on, she'll have people wanting to dive for cover and run away wherever she goes.  That may not be much comfort but I hope that it gives you enough peace to keep your sense of humor about this. 

Try to see the scene from a great distance high up.  Look down on it without emotion and observe.  It's really quite interesting if your not being jerked around and made to feel crazy. 

I'd make a game of trying to smooth her feathers, smiling in my head and interested to see if my ploy worked better than the last one. 

A casual comment in the ladies room about her eyes or her makeup or choice in attire, whatever.  A question she can answer and feel superior over with regard to who does her hair, whatever but I would be facinated by making this into a puzzle, ONLY BECAUSE IT MAKES ME MONEY! 

I'd set the stage of her to dazzle herself while getting through the project that is going to end and my pain with it.  Make a comment then make something up about yourself that helps boost what you just complimented about them, then see what happens.  Don't give up anymore of yourself, in other words.  Make it about conning the crazy person.

If it helps, you can find some small comfort and discussing this with one or two of the coworkers that are gloming onto her so they don't catch any heat.  You just know they GET IT and you might all do less damage to each other if you talk a bit about it?  I sure would.   Just validating each others feelings will help with the atmosphere of having no control and being made to look foolish in front of your peers by this insane person with a little power over all of you. 

If nothing else I'd write a letter to her boss outlining her bizaar behavior.  I wouldn't intend to send it but I'd get some small satisfaction out of seeing all her unprofessional behavior there in black and white then feeling happy that I don't act like that in the workplace.