Well, thanks for all the advice. I don't know where to start. It makes me weak just reading these posts. I will go to the Women's studies department tomorrow for abuse resources.
Debkor- My F only stopped being physically abusive because of an episode (I call them episodes) where the police came, in 1999. Basically I was so scared that I got the phone and called my aunt in Miami who called the cops. (I grew up in South Florida). Now I'm at college in Atlanta, which is an 11 hour drive away. Two weeks ago (gauging time past is hard for me), I had my aunt get that police report from the city for documentation. I need to become financially independent-but the university has strict polices. I am bound federally to my parents until I am 23 (26 at my college) or until I get my first degree. My F payed for college this year, so that was another layer of control. But I told my financial aid adviser my story and I have given her the necessary documentation (the police report, a letter from my counselor, my own statement) and they will be factored into this year's financial aid, so hopefully I will get more aid. When filing a FAFSA the parent and student financial info is used, I need to be independent, that way I don't need their financial info. I think that I will be granted this-but it is very rare that this happens. My fin. adviser said only about 5 students at the school have this.
So, I was dealing with his mind games all year. When I would come home for winter and spring break I would have to still deal with the subtle “your trash” statements.. “There aren’t many people like you in the real world, you will have to grow up, you are unsure about what you want to do with your life, this is evidence of someone who doesn’t believe in a higher power, you have so much fear in you (I was always criticized for living in fear, living in a shell)…implying that this fear in me was from satan or something…”There are drugs you could take to make you not like you are, but this isn’t always best..” All things were said in a sort of father-bestowing-knowledge on daughter lessons, done outside on the porch in the darkness..to increase the effect. And I was sitting there thinking “what is so wrong with me”. It is so sick. That was spring break.
So anyway, I went back to school and worked very hard to find work and a place to live in Atlanta so I wouldn’t have to go back to home. This was before I read People of Lie (at the end of April). I fell apart then and this was during finals. I had to look for a place to stay and dealing with this stuff, finals were last priority to me. I failed two of them. I could not sleep, I could only eat sugar, thoughts were racing around in my head. I resigned myself from staying away from them and getting counseling this summer. The M and F were actually proud of me for being adult and whatever. I was dealing, until I got an email from my M that said the family was coming to see me for my birthday (July 23). I snapped. I kept telling myself that I would put up with them coming because he pays for college (that was the only reason that I answered the phone when they called, but the phone issue is another story anyway). I would just deal with it all until I graduated-that was the plan. But then it occurred to me that I would be expected to hug him or something when they came and that was more than I could stand.
And then the solution came to me very quickly. I didn’t have to wait three more years. He actually had my university password, to pay for the tuition bills, but he would use it to look at my grades and classes. I changed the password. Then I emailed my M telling her I didn’t want to see her or him this summer and not for a long time. I told my youngest sister (13) that I would do this (I had sent both of them NPD resources.) So I new my M would be calling me that weekend so I talked to financial aid (or tried to warn them) and I told my counselor. And when my M called (Saturday)I told her I don’t want to see them for many years and that I need help. And she starts crying about how she “wanted things to be how she wished or something” and how she stood up for us, and she would get into so many fights with him over how he treated us (strangling incident) and that we wouldn’t tell her about what would happen until much latter. (My M works at night, leaving us home with him for hours at a time). It was sad. I told her to tell F to call me. I told her to tell him that I don’t want to see him. I told her I was getting rid of my cell phone (she begged me not to). So I waited for him to call me. He called at 3 pm. He goes “your mother told me about your pity party”. (He always mocks us for feeling sorry for ourselves). I said that I don’t want to see you. And that I changed the password, he says, “I know, you don’t want me to see your grades!” And I said, “If you want to know my grades you can ask me.” Silence. I said, “you don’t have to pay for my tuition any more, I’m doing that myself. He started to say something, then I said “goodbye.” “Why are you saying goodbye?” And I hung up. That was the end of May. So much can happen in a day. The rest of the day I talked to my M a couple more times, basically she told F more than I told her to tell him (she always tells him everything, so fucking weak). Next time she called she was actually mad that I would have to cut out my family to get help, when I told her that my so called family is the reason I need help in the first. She was like, “its like you’re cutting out cancer.” And I said that I am, I’m cutting out the cancer in my life. Then she was like your Daddy is very upset (that bitch never gets it). He wants to hear your voice, he s in here going crazy, he just wants to talk to you. And this really pisses me off, “He is always going crazy and I’m sick of him. And I hung up.
My youngest sister was my spy during all this. She would email me what was happening at home. She said that they were checking the cell phone records to see who I’ve been talking to and getting counseling from (she actually told him that I was getting counseling). I told her I was getting university counseling. I broke my cell phone into little pieces and threw it into a like. She said don’t get rid of the phone and here it is being used against me, like I knew it would be. My youngest sis says that F is saying that I’ve always been crazy that I talk to myself that I’m in a cult etc. etc. That was Sunday. My S said that my M was coming. I didn’t believe it, but she came Tuesday or Monday (I forget when) with my aunt. My aunt had the police report (that I requested). I didn’t want to see M. I asked her to leave and she did. She said she wanted to see if I was living okay and if I was with reliable people. On the phone Saturday she said that she wants me to be happy even if that means she will never she me again. Interesting.
Well..anyways the police report made me angry because, it didn't even mention the strangling. The incident happened in 1999, I thought it was 2000. I was eleven, my second sis was ten and the youngest was five. I didn't see much of him strangling my M-I saw it briefly before I ran to call my aunt. But it DID happen. My middle sister witnessed most of that. The police report said that there were "conflicting stories" and that my F pushed the chair from under my middle sister and her head hit the ground, but it doesn't mention the strangling. This means that both the F and M lied to protect him. It all could have ended there. So I guess the kids were telling one story and the adults were telling another, so the cops just said "conflicting stories". The report labels my M as the victim, but the write up only mentions my sis hitting her head, thus she lied to protect him.. He did spend some time in jail, a couple days, and he has never forgiven my aunt for her calling the cops. From what I hear, he has never liked her. Well, it was good she called because now there is actual proof of his violence. After this he refrained from actually hitting us. Although one time I swear he punched me n the stomach then he lied about it when I told my M, so I didn’t know what to think. I thought maybe I imagined it. Then the youngest one said that he put chemicals in her eyes, but then he said that she had fallen in the bucket or something. These things didn’t happen every night. They would happen every few months but there was always the fear. And when it was one of the others being targeting, you were relieved because it wasn’t you. Unfortunately it was usually me. I was attacked the most, perhaps because I’m the oldest.
(to be continued..)
It was very hard for me to write all this. I got a headache from it, trying to think about these things is physically exhausting.
