story continued:
Last year, the last year of high school, was very difficult for me. That summer I spent a week away from home in a gov'ment program. Getting away, let me see how oppressive my home environment was. I could not stand being there last year. For the last few years i focused on school and ignored everything. Then last year I became bothered by everything. F doesn't talk to us unless it is to tell us to clean something (and everyone prefers it that way). But when he would tell me to do something I would collapse, I was a nervous wreck last year. So there two big "events" last year of high school.
One was in the fall I had to drive to a college info. session. I didn't know I had to drive, I would have gotten directions but..anyway, I didn't know where to go and I was too scared to ask. I am trained to go automatically into fear when I am forced to perform around him. I was getting nervous and shaking involuntarily. I tried not to cry but the tears came. And the mocking came. And i was being goaded and it ended with me speeding on the road and yelling "that I hate you" (and i apolgized for that when i shoudn't have). And on the way back he said that he had tested me and i acted the way he expected, "you guys think I'm crazy, but all this stuff I do on purpose." after that event my body was ruined. I would get weakened at the slighest provocation for months after that. This event was like the past. basically, I would have solve to math problems and when I would get them wrong I would get scarred at what would happen to me and the threats (burn you with an iron, or beat you) would come. I couldn't cry because then I would be mocked and laughed at and screamed at even more. But the tears always came and I would hate myself for it. I would hate myself because I was being weak like he said. i remember in 5th grade F saying that I could be a prostitute because I'm so stupid, but then I would be stupid to count the money. I remember him putting me in front of the mirror and telling me to look how pathetic I am (I was crying there was snot on my face). I now remember having to repeat that ("I'm sorry and pathetic). He would have certain words to use (you're sorry... others words meaning worthless. F had a dark closet phase where we had to stand in dark closets with our noses touching the wall.
I would say that second grade to fifth grade were exceptional bad. In the third grade I was mocked/harrassed/threathned/tortured/belittled ALL day over spelling words. And the M was there for most of it. I think she told him to stop. (It's like she lets him a little fun, but not too much). Then he stopped and I remember playing at the dollhouse with middle sister and a friend. then M leaves for work at 5pm (she works from 5pm-11pm). And then the torture started again. except this time I got the worst beating of my life. I was threatened all day with a beating with the belt buckle. And that beating went on forever, and I was screaming, but eventually i stopped, the belt didn't sting anymore, it was just a dull pain. (I don't know if he used the belt buckle.) I saw my leg split open, it just opened up. I still have the scar. Then F stops beating me and carries me to the bathroom and puts me in the tub. I think he bandaged the wound that night. the next morning I had flowers and candy. And my M drops me at school and tells me not to tell anyone. I told her that he beat me with the buckle and she says "he didn't beat you with the buckle. So to this day, i don't know what to believe or what happened. I thought that the flowers were a gesture of sympathy, but as my sister says, it was so i wouldn't tell anyone about what happened. he probably did bandaged the leg that night so M wouldn't see how bad it was. I remember being mad at M for just leaving to go to work. I remember feeling betrayed, like what made you think this was over? Why would you trust me with him? The next day at school I was shaking.
Okay, back to last year.
The second "event" I like to call the computer incident. it was January 2006. F was telling other siblings to stop IM and chatting with friends online. Middle sister ignored this for weeks. One night (midnight) I heard a crash from the den. I go look and F has pulled the computer out of the wall and S is holding her wrist in pain. M is there. I say that f pulling the computer out of the wall was stupid. F hears and come out saying "what, stupid like you?" And I was on edge the whole year, so I started to walk away. Then F starts with the jeering/mocking etc. ANd I snapped. And i screamed at him to shut up, just shut up. And here memory gets fuzzy. I think S and i ganged up on him and M was standing behind us. I think S was asking why M always agrees with F. then there was verbal fight between F and S and I. Then f says to M that "you have turned them against me!' And I saw that you have done that yourself. I think he might have hit M. Then S and I jump on him and start fighting. i remember getting up in his face. F calls us "harpies". Then f says that "i have made you what you are, everything you are today is because of me?" I was like "So you made me?" F says: "yes, I made you."
Then S and I were in bed (we shared a room) later on that night. And then M comes in and asks "how could we just go to sleep after something like that". S gets mad at M and says we have been dealing with this our whole lives (something to the effect of where the f*ck have you been?). then M turns to me and says I am to never talk to my father that way again (saying Shut up). i'm like, whatever...M and S continue to yell, F comes to the door and stands behind M (like M is protecting his honor or something). Then youngest S comes out of her room.
What I remember next: me standing across from F, F trying to stare me down, me staring right back. F pokes me in the chest in a demeaning way. And I say "Don't touch me. Don't touch me". F says "what, I can't touch you???" Are proceeds to wrap his hand around my throat (to prove he can). and I flip out I start attacking him. I fell back and broke the dresser, and I was kicking and hitting and stuff. M was screaming, Little S was crying. And apparently S was in the fray too because when I was recalling this in an email she said she chipped her tooth. then the phone rings. M says its the neighbors telling us to simmer down now. Ha. F gets up and is determined to put me in my place says: "I know what you're capable of and tells everyone about how I fell apart in the driving event in October. this shamed me and made me quit, which was good for F. Then F proceeds to tell everyone what their faults are. He always labels people's faults (just projection) and criticizes them for it. So M lies a lot (again projection, who lies more than a person to lies to himself? of course she deceives herself also). Little S is a slob, S cares too much for popular culture and I need to "learn to live in the present." I wanted ask him what HIS fault was and why he has the right to label anyone, but I didn't I was scared.
Then the next morning the family went furniture shopping. HHAAAAHHAhah. I laugh every time I say that! Its funny. I was told by M to humble myself for my behavior. And I did. I was actually ashamed by my behvior. An i was subservient and and careful around F. Now I hate that I did that. I actually felt sorry for my behavior, but I thought he felt sorry for his behaivor. Now i know that he never felt sorry for his behavior. Me being subservient was only mending his bruised ego. S on the other hand, didn't act like she felt sorry at all. M got mad at her for this. I respect S for that. I think S has understood the family dynamic better than I have. S was always mad at M for staying. I was never mad at M until recently. I liked M because M was the only one who would tell me that I was worth something. But now I am mad at M. For days after this "episode" I was shaking and on edge. I broke down and started crying around M asking why he had to put his hands around me neck? i said don't touch me, which had to be violated. then M says (while crying) "what you don't want people to touch you?" I can't even process how demented that comment is.
The pet dog runs and hides when F walks in the room. The dog used to run away people yelled at each other. Then the dog would run away when people merely talked to one another. Now the dog runs when f enters the room and others are in it. She used to hide under the computer area at my feet (because I was the safe one, I stayed out of the fray) but ever since the computer incident she runs in my room and cowers under the bed. That poor dog. Anyway the ttension builds in the house then it explodes in an "incident" of the type explained above. But the computer incident was the only time we attacked (physically and verbally) F. Its like tension grows until it can't be ignored. I feel that I'm the one who is forced to bring it out. I think I get experimented on, the other siblings get to sit back and take the easy route.
I wonder this: I wonder what M anf f think the future holds. What do they think 5 years will be like from now. By then little S will be 18 and leaving, S would be in college. Do they think any of us will come and see them or talk to them? M acts like I'm just some bad person for cutting out the whole family, but does she really think 'm alone in that? Does she the other two won't do the same thing? I resent that ai am the first born nd get blamed for every action I take if I was in the middle it would be easier. S graduates next year, then she will be gone. The last one is 13, will have to spend 5 years in that house.
And through it all M still stays (I even sent her NPD resources, which she says she read). She will stay long after kids are gone. The perfect punishment for F would be for everyone to go NC on him. But M will never do that. They feed on one another. and they deserve each other. M said on the phone the day I went NC, "I would get in so many fights with F over the way he talked to you kids." And I asked her why it had to be that way anyway. Why do have to be spoken to like we are trash in the first place? Why did you put up with any of it? Why did we have to put up with it? Why didn't you just leave? Oh I was a different person back then trying to get my life together, i was different back then. I couldn't remember how she was back then. She was like "you guys don't remember all the fights I had with him over you kids." I don't. I asked her when he started treating us like we were trash/ No answer.
She said on the phone to someone that he never held us when we were young, that he never wanted kids anyway. My first memory of him was probably preschool (age 4) and it involves fear. I distinctly recall probably at age 7 wondering who this person was screaming in my face, and why doesn't he just go away? And were always told that you're F loves you. "he loves you why can't you see it?" More mind games from M, who has to convince yourself that F really does love the offspring. m would get mad at me when I was sad last year.. and this year when I went home I got, "remember how you used to be, you're not like that anymore. You're okay now.
I had no self esteem back then. I would walk with my head down, kids at school would bully me. One girl slapped me in the face with her friend watching to prove that she could. I waned to tell her to stop but I figured I deserved it anyway. I couldn't muster up the self respect to keep her from hitting me. M took me to see psychiatrist in 5th grade, i went for 2 days. And only talked about how S made fun of me (she did). I think M implied ( or I understood that I couldn't mention F). I hated myself so much. Looking back I realize that I never lived I realize that I was floating or disassociating the whole time, or living in books. In fifth grade the old male teacher also hated me and attacked me. I don't know why. He didn't like me. And I wished him dead so long, he eventually did die and we had a substitute teacher for half the year. Good times. Good times.
I probably don't have self esteem now, I don't now. I don't know. I see how I am becoming Narcisstic myself. i am becoming Narcisstic. I have a lot of traits. I have to compare myself and be better than people. I have to have things perfect. I'm a shell. But I never noticed all these years,. Coming to college made me see how empty I am. I knew something was wrong with me. I don't what whats wrong with me. I used to know I had low self esteem. Now I don't know there's nothing. I don't "fel" myself or something. I'm not really here at all. When people are in conversation around me or even when I am in conservation, its like I'm floating on the outside. I realized in April that I don't think of people as multifaceted, complex beings. I can't because I see myself as a multifaceted being. This is a Narcissitic trait. I don't even feel fractured. I feel nothing at all, when it comes to "me". I don't even know what "feeling self means". F has turned me into him. I have become what f is. I don't understand love, or what the big deal is. I don't see why it matters. I don't see how its important.This is another N trait. I am just as empty as he is. This makes me so sad. I have no soul.There is nothing there.
My life is full of so many cruel ironies, especially my name. F named me. There was difficulty in me being born almost killed M (foreshadowing) there was a twin but the other one died. SO F named me Estee, which is esteem, without the m-for "someone who thinks highly of themselves".Which is just too much irony for me.
