Hi CB,
Thanks for getting back, maybe I shouldn't have deleted everything I wrote previously!
Please don't read any tone in to this post as cross towards you - I think I'm just frustrated with the situation. I very much appreciate your help. Thinking this through is important to me.
we are moving because
1. we want to set up a smallholding
2. to be closer to my parents as they are getting older/less able
we had to go overdrawn to get the house ready for sale, and keeping stuff in storage. If we don't sell, we still have to pay the solicitors and the estate agents - and we have no money to do that, and it will be very hard work (don't mind that) to clear all the overdrafts.
we don't want to take any money from my parents - the gifts always come with ties and I have never borrowed from them. We have always been very good with money and this is the first time we have been in 'trouble' - but we knew it was ok to do cos the sale of the house would pay it all back.
Dad is covering the main costs when we get to the new house, but we will be paying our way - one of us will get a job as soon as possible, I don't like being kept by anyone.
If we can find somewhere to rent nearby we will probably do that as soon as we can.
They can't afford to pay someone to look after him really, if we're there we can help my mum out - and if she has this operation she won't be able to help him.
There are no expectations - but if he needs full time care in the near future then we're prepared to do it - and I imagine that it will be extremely hard work - but necessary.
We need to keep an eye on things with my brother. He's a very capable person, but he's going to be there as well - so should be considered.
The thing is they're my parents and they do need the extra hands. even if we get our own place there, we should be nearby.
But I realise that as I write this I'm using words like "should" and "obliged". I know these aren't good. I know being selfish about my own little family (of two plus bunny rabbits) is probably a good thing. Maybe we should emigrate to Canada? It seems like a nice place

The problem with my dad is the control of everything, and his stupid ideas that don't make any sense, his inability to listen to anyone else's opinion - and when he does just says it's rubbish. Aaargh.
I don't want to put up with him, I really don't, and If we don't sell our house and try to fix our finances here I'm going to have to change my phone number to stop the guilt tripping calls I'll get from both of them. Not that we don't get those already. My mum will suffer for it, I know - she already gets very upset when I stand up to him - cos she has to live with him moaning about it and throwing a strop. On the plus side for me, when he gets mad he won't speak to me for while, on the down side he goes and does stuff behind my back that I disagree with. Aargh,
H's suggestion: i think that we move in with your parents and if that don't work out we emmigrate
It's funny, and I just think it's running away from the problem. But with N people I guess the problem never goes away.
B