Adventures With Mom

[tayana]

I was really dreading this weekend, but it seems to have passed without too much fuss or strain.  Although  my father did tell me this morning that my mother's feelings were hurt because I didn't want her to come clean with me.  I never said she couldn't come.  She said something to me after I'd gone for my evening walk, and I was hot and sweaty.  I'll admit I wasn't enthusiastic about her help, but given my mother, she read a whole lot into the whole thing that wasn't there.  Of course, she also thinks everyone sits around and talks about her all the time too.

Yesterday, my son and I went to the ball game with  my brother and his wife.  We had a great time.  The timing of the game wasn't great, but I bought the tickets in March, and it was our one baseball game of the year, unless M wins tickets.  After the game, we stopped at the apartment so M could see it, and he really liked it.  My brother and his wife thought it was really nice and very similar to their townhouse.  My mom still hasn't seen it.

I offered this morning to let her go if she wanted, but no, she was too busy being offended.  She was offended that I didn't call her from there when we got there.  I ended up having fun with water when I discovered my dishwasher doesn't work properly.  So I was simply too busy to call.  Then when I get home, she gives me a lecture about how to use the dishwasher and why it wasn't working.  I told her I would call the maintenance people tomorrow.  So then I got a lecture about how they would steal something.

So now she wants to know what else I need to buy.  The only thing I "Need" to buy is a washer and dryer, and I'd just gotten a lecture a few days ago about how I could let that go for a little while and just user hers for a few weeks. 

I feel like I'm beating my head against the wall.  She told me instead of going down there and cleaning, I should have stayed home and packed.  I've made great headway on my packing, really, and I'd packed stuff this morning.   I swear she just wants me to say, "i'm sorry, I made a mistake.  We aren't moving after all."

Although, all my pretty new dishes and things are put away in my now very clean cabinets.  And I have olives, hot peppers and chocolate in my pantry.  Of course, I supposedly wasted my time cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms.  I don't have my brand new vacuum cleaner put together yet, so I couldn't vacuum.

[Hopalong]

((((((((((((Tayan)))))))))))))

She will always criticize what you do.
She will always find fault.
She will always have a mean streak.

Aren't you glad you're almost OUT??

Olives and chocolate and hot peppers.
Now that's living!

I'm so glad you're almost out.

Hops

[tayana]

I am so glad I am almost out, Hops.  So glad.  The first thing I'm going to do, after some grocery shopping, is make brownies.  There is brownie mix in the pantry too.  I love to bake, and I haven't gotten to bake in so long.

Just once, I would like for her to say something like.  "I know you're trying to get all settled, but I know there some things you wanted at Target (or other store).  Here's a gift card, get something on me.  I'm so excited for you."

Fat chance of this, but I can always dream. 

[dandylife]

Tayana,
You're doing great. Isn't it amazing how another's "feelings" can invade our personal boundaries? I was taught in therapy to use my "symbol" of protection (my therapist took me on a guided imagery and asked me to bring along a companion. She asked who is your companion? And I answered a lioness. She found that quite symbolic - protective!) Let your "lioness" protect your personal boundaries - keeping out inappropriate feelings of others - you can even picture every time one of those inappropriate feelings of your mother's bounces off it - it only becomes stronger.

Take care of your feelings and nurture and protect them.

It's your mother's job to get her own "protector", if she so chooses! Your mother, N though she may be, does have personal power - she can help herself.

It's been inspiring reading your story.
Dandylife

[CB123]

And I have olives, hot peppers and chocolate in my pantry.

Tayana,

This made me smile!  What a picture of your hardwon freedom.  It says so much about what you are gaining.

Love
CB

[lighter]

I'm just glad she isn't being more awful than she is. 

Expect the drama to escalate as you get closer to the final move out day. 

I might actually pull a little switcheroo and tell her you're not moving out for another 2 weeks.  "M just needs more time," THEN RUN LIKE HELL days before she expects it!

Ahem. 

Sorry.

I really don't like your having to be subjected to her this long. 

I know you're getting out, I just worry for ya. 

[tayana]

Lighter,

I figure she'll sulk most of moving day, or else she'll direct the show.  She was trying to do that last night whenever my brother and his wife were here and talking about loading the truck I rented.  She was telling my SIL how good she is at packing trucks. 

She talks about taking M out of stable home.  I figured out one year when I was in college, that I had moved 23 times, and I was only 20.  Not very stable huh?

CB, yes, when I was putting those jars of things in the pantry I was thinking . . . what more could a girl want?  Well, peanut butter might help too.  We still have to go to the grocery store.

Dandy,  I'm glad you find inspiration in my story, although I still don't see anything inspiring about it.  I feel a little like a loser, having been stuck here with my parents for so long.

[Hopalong]

Tayana,
PLEASE PLEASE do not denigrate yourself and put yourself down as "a loser", right in the middle of a very big and significant WIN.

Hurts my heart to hear you do that, hon.

Also, as soon as you can get help and support with the thinking....try try try to stop yearning for what you know your mother is not capable of giving. Try to love reality, even when it's hard.

Reality is your friend. You really can make your peace with it once you have learned to assert your voice and protect your heart.

You are growing stronger and more mature in all ways every day. Your mother is winding down toward her other childhood. The balance is shifting now, and eventually you will become comfortable with being the adult in the equation.

This is the time to claim your adulthood. Your mother's undermining disapproval does not make you a "loser". It was a negative force you couldn't fight before.

And
now
you
CAN
and
you
ARE

Hops

[Ami]

That was a beautiful post--- Hops.
  Tayana, something struck me in your first post. Your mother did not make a big deal about "helping you clean,."She just dropped the whole subject, fast.
  What hit me is they will suddenly back off in a way that shocks you. They will just drop the rope on something that they would fight to the death on a moment before.
   I think that they have a keen sense of when they are "beaten" on this round. They will give up this round,  Then, they will gear themselves up for the next round.
  It seems very strange to us. However, I think that this is the thinking behind these strange and abrupt changes                                                 Love   Ami

[lighter]

I remember my father and his sister locking themselves in his bathroom when they had some disagreement with their mother, my grandmother.  This was years ago.  

They were like small children again, without voices, unable to speak to her.  To discuss.  They just couldn't and my father said to one of my siblings, when asked to come OUT of the bathroom.....

"You don't know her like we do."

I was haunted for years by that statement.  I don't know what he meant by it but, I know she/grandma got more and more difficult.  She began making larger, more hurtful more irrational chaos within the family.  She began directing my Grandpa, the sweetest man you'd ever want to meet, to do her dirty work.  She got stronger and he got weaker.  

What I want to say is, you're basically defenseless against her, when you're in her space.  When she's got your ear.  When she's around your son.

You can't defend yourself.  How can you defend M?  

You can only withdraw, with or without love.  She'll only get more hurtful as time goes by.

You have to get stronger and build supports.  

::shaking head::

Man oh man of man, what a statement that is.  YOu have to build supports to counter the toxic hateful soul murdering energy of the person who's SUPPOSED to protect you, more fervently than anyone else in the world.

That statements so unfair, SO improbable..... it's beyond heartbreaking.  

Just so, you have to continue down the path you've started.  

Better times are on your horizon.  

Seek out people and interests that build you and your son up as a family.  You need to limit contact with your mother as necessary.  

Personally, I think you're way beyond NC with this vandal.  This terrorist.  She's not worthy of your trust or your love, IMO.

Time to find older nurturing maternal spirits to nurture you and your son.  I wonder if you'll find neighbors that will become part of your life.  

I've had such luck finding acceptance and wisdom, love and nurturing from older women in my life.  I really like older people and God knows where I'd be without them.  

[lighter]

Wow... Ami.

On the whole "dropping the rope or fighting till the death" thing.

I think you nailed it pretty well there. 

N's keep us off balance and they shift their moods, words and deeds without rhyme or reason. 

It's what a wrestler does on the matts. 

They fake this way then go that way,
 quickly.

They get you thinking they're going one way then switch up constantly, to keep you off balance, eventually gaining the upper hand. 

That's the GAME.

Interesting that you picked up on that.  I think it's true and maybe tayana can defend herself better if she knows what's coming and why... even if she can't figure out why it happened to her. 

It's hard for us to GET what they're doing, it's just about impossible to grasp bc we'd neve DO that to them, or our own children.  ::shaking head in disgust::

[tayana]

In thirty minutes my case will be before the judge, and hopefully, the judgement against me will be dismissed. . . then we have to go back to court to get the creditor to leave me alone.

Hops, I'm sorry to put myself down like that, but I can't really help myself.  It's sort of how I feel.  I should have been getting my first real apartment ten years ago, not now.  I feel like I'm ages behind other people my age.  And I do still long for that connection that should have been, even though I know I'm not going to get it.  So I'm getting there.  I know it's not going to happen.  I know she's incapable of it.  It's a game to her.  Everything is a game to her, and there's a part of me that wants to say, "you did this."

Last night, M came and crawled into bed with me to tell me he didn't feel very good about this moving thing anymore.  He didn't want to leave his room behind, and he would never see it again.  I said you'll see your room again, we'll be out here.  He said it wouldn't be the same, and his new room was so small he wouldn't have a place to play.  And he didn't know where we were going to put our dog's crate or his toys, and he didn't think his fish tanks would fit in his room.  I told him it was okay to have doubts, but I wanted to know what changed his mind because yesterday when we were cleaning he really liked the place, and he was very excited.  He told me he was giving me a thumbs down, and I told him that was all right.  He could be angry at me all he wanted, but that we would be okay.  Then I talked about all of the positive things, and he seemed better.  My mother demanded to know what his problem had been this morning, and I just told her he was worried about his room.  So she went on to tell me how in two weeks he was going to be ready to move back, and how my father agreed with them.  I said, yes, but I think he'll be fine in a few weeks.  She doesn't think so.

Does everybody think I'm such a lousy parent?  Does no one have any faith at all in me?  Does no one have any faith at all in M?  Everyone is underestimating him.  I figured he'd be crying and balling this whole time, but he's been pretty good about the whole thing, really.  Of course, we haven't started packing his room, but earlier yesterday he was ready to pack.  I told M, I had doubts too, and right now I wonder if I really made this decision for him or for me.  I just think that when he sees me being so much happier, he'll be happier too.

Personally, I think you're way beyond NC with this vandal.  This terrorist.  She's not worthy of your trust or your love, IMO.

Time to find older nurturing maternal spirits to nurture you and your son.  I wonder if you'll find neighbors that will become part of your life. 

I've been reading about emotionally leaving home.  We'll see how things go once we're moved and settled.  If NC is necessary then that's what will have to happen, but right now I'm just trying to emotionally distance myself from her and not let her barbs hurt.

[CB123]

Tayana,

You arent a lousy mom.  You are a good mom.  You can't decide what kind of a mom you are based on what your kids are feeling at the moment.  Michael is his own person, separate from you, just as you are separate from your mom.  He has feelings of loss that he would have no matter what kind of move it is.  It's hard to start over somewhere else when you are a kid and he is going to have to adjust.  That doesnt make you a bad mom.

Look at his adjustment kinda like a training exercise for life.  This is something that you need to do for you (and that's okay by the way), but it is also a chance for him to get used to being flexible and open to change.  Every time he makes a change, he learns a little more about the world works.  When he is an adult, he will do so much better if he is not fearful of changes in his life.  You are giving him what he needs right now--helping him push through the anxiety.

He may become even more anxious as the move progresses.  Your steady assurance that this is normal and okay and that you know he can do it will help him make the transition.  He will cling to your confidence in him--even if you have to fake it some. 

Good luck today, Tayana.  I will be thinking of you and hoping things go very well.  Let us know how it turns out.

CB

[tayana]

CB,

Thanks for the reassurance.  I keep hoping that as long I seem confident and assure him everything will be fine and focus on the positive things with this move, that he will be fine.  It is a big adjustment.  I remember the first house I got to live in for more than a year, and I didn't want to leave it either. 

My mom also brought up how he hasn't been in a "daycare" situation for years, he's always been with her.  She alternately coddles him and then expects him to be adult, so I don't see how that helps him.  I think it'll be good for him to be back in public school (even though I'm not a fan of public school, really), and possibly in a situation where he can get some services for his learning differences will help.

If we end up having to see a family counselor we will.

I keep telling him, what he's feeling is okay, but that we will be fine and telling him all the positive things about the move.  Namely, making cupcakes and his little garden.

I don't really know what my mom tells him when I'm at work.  I've heard some things like, "I have to stay away from teenagers because they'll teach me bad things."  So I know she's telling him a lot of stuff that's probably confusing.  Per my promise though, I have not asked what she's saying to him, although I do ask how he feels about the move almost daily.

[lighter]

Tayana:

I think your son is doing great considering children with Aspergers really really likes structure, (don't all children?) but particularly those with Asperbers.

Keep this in mind during the hard times.

About the type of mother you are.

You're a great mom.

You validate his feelings, reassure him, tell him you have it under control and keep his routine as in place as you can.

His struggles with embracing the new apartment and new friends will translate into his ability to handle changes better throughout his life.  Those changes are coming, no matter what you do. 

You're teaching him to develop coping strategies and an attitude about how things are going to turn out, even when he fears the worst.

That is one thing you must keep your NM from beating into his head.

She wants to rule him/you with fear.

Can you imagine if she wins that one?

In either case?

Teaching M to face life with some optimism, even if things don't go his way, and know that all will still be well, is a true gift. 

It's you job to teach him that. 

It's you NM's job to beat his confidence down and instill pessimism and fear.

Don't ask why.  Just know it's true.

That's why you're still at home and feeling confused about it.

She's OUTRIGHT SABOTAGED YOUR ABILITY TO LEAVE SOONER. 

Wow, improbable, but true. 

You're going to be OK. 

You're a great Mom and M's a great kid.

Truly, your stories about how he handles things amaze me. 

Typical kids have just as much trouble with transitions and sometimes he handles the transitions and conversations about them better than any child could.  That's bc you rock as a mama.

Don't doubt that.
Even as you question your motives and actions, as good people will do, do not doubt that: )