Adventures With Mom

[CB123]

Here's a list to give you a jump start, Tayana, for your "positive list":

1) Tayana listens to her son--what he says and what he's afraid to say.

2) Tayana corrects her son in a way that affirms who he is and only corrects what he does.

3) Tayana has been faithful to create a savings account that will fund her long-term goals.  She has given up spending that money on things that she needed or wanted, in order to save for her future, and her son's future.

4) Tayana has tried, to the best of her ability, to live with her parents in peace.  She did this even when they were being difficult and abusive. 

5) Tayana has stood up for what is right in protecting her credit that was damaged by her mother's illegal activity.  She has put considerable time, energy and expense into making this right. 

Well, I could write more, but my lunch hour is almost over!  How's that for a jumpstart? 

CB

[tayana]

Thanks CB.  Sounds good.

I haven't even started this list yet.

[tayana]

The woman is insane.  I'm trying to establish a routine for my son, so now she wants me to have him come spend the week with her while his dog and I stay in our apt.  She said he was fine with the idea.  Well, when I talked to him he didn't seem fine with the idea at all. 

This goes counter to him having a routine.  I don't like this.  It's too much like she's going to try to take custody of my child.

[Ami]

If there is a way for them to "throw a monkey wrench" in to your plans----- They will  .         Love   Ami

[tayana]

I do not intend to do this.  I think it is bad for M, number 1.  And it gives her too much control.  It's her saying I can't be trusted to find suitable childcare for M.  I already told my dad I'm ready to cut off contact with her if I have to.  He told me I'd regret it, but I don't think I will.  I think it would be wonderful.

She also expects me to come out here on the 4th.  I didn't want to do that either.  I swear she's like a puddle of quicksand just sucking everyone down.

[Hopalong]

[My Tayana fantasy, roaring edited out... xxoo to you, Tayana--Hops]

No.
I do not want you to make plans with or for M without discussing it with me first.
Do not change M's schedule or plan visits with him until you have asked me.

M and I are staying in our new apartment together. We need time to settle in.

I am his mother and I am in charge. Perhaps I haven't been before but things are different now.

Good night, I do not have time to talk right now. Click.

[Sela]

List continued:

Tayana does not let fear rule.  She proceeds past it.  She is brave and determined.

Tayana is quite capable.  She can organize a move, continue to work, care for her son and his feelings, even think and make plans and dream....all while dealing with a lunatic con-artist mother.

Tayana can make friends.  She already has a really nice one who is more like family and she will make many more in future.

Tayana is goal oriented and will easily learn to quilt, since she is already a self-taught knitter (teaching self to knit is much harder than to quilt...I suspect!).

Tayana remains calm even in the face of insanity, manipulation, arm twisting, scare tactics and all N tricks imaginable.  And if she does decide to express her anger, she is very clear and focussed about it.  Her head is on straight, all wires are connected and all screws are tight, unlike her supposed parents.

I wouldn't blame you, Tayana, not to leave your son unattended for 5 minutes with your disturbed, self-centred and crooked mother and spineless father...again.....once you get out and away from that insanity.

Sela

[Sela]

PS:  I doubt you'll be sorry at all.  That's just another.....tactic.

Sela

[RESARN]

Tayana - Don't let her rain on your parade.  Once you're out and looking back you'll be able to laugh and feel pity.  Remember you don't have to like her or be around her.  You're a strong person.  Good luck with everything.  It is going to be so exciting to decorate and have a place to call your own.  Take care, RESA

[reallyME]

lighter:

"You don't know her like we do."

I was haunted for years by that statement.  I don't know what he meant by it but,

>>>>>>I used to tell X that.  I used to say "well X, the reason you have so many people following you, is because THEY DO NOT KNOW YOU LIKE I DO.  THEY HAVE NOT BEEN BEHIND CLOSED DOORS NOR HAVE THEY BEEN WITH YOU ANYWHERE BUT ONLINE.  THEY HAVE NOT SEEN THE "REAL X!"  The thing I didn't realize, was, once X did meet someone who was almost exactly like her, what she "wanted" maybe she WOULD have someone that she didn't push away, cause, as far as I know, the new person is still with her.

Now, lighter...saying "I don't know what he meant by it" raises two points to me:

First, maybe you really do NOT know what they meant, but secondly, maybe you really DO know and you are DOUBTING YOUR OWN INTUITION.

Many times, this lady I am mentoring, will say "Well, it's just that they were being mean cause of what happened with such n such" and in the very next breath she will say "I dunno..." and trail off.  At that moment, I will stop her in her tracks and say "YES YOU DOOOOOOO KNOW! YOU JUST TOLD ME!  STOP SECOND-GUESSING YOURSELF! YOU DO KNOW WHY THEY DID IT.  THEY DID IT, AS YOU SAID, BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED WITH _______"

lighter, I'm not sure which is the case for you...as to, whether you DO know what he meant by it, or if you are just saying you don't know to DISCREDIT YOU OWN PERCEPTIONS.  Only you can answer that if you want to, but please, if you are discrediting or doubting yourself, don't do it...it's a chink in the armor that N will use against you very EASILY.

~RM

[tayana]

Well, it's going to be a wonderful day.  Last night M came and got in bed with me.  He was upset about going to school.  He told  me he didn't want to go to school.  So we talked about school, about how this was a different school, with different teachers, etc.  He kept asking a lot of what if questions.  What if the kids don't like me?  So I would say well what if they do?  I finally got him to agree to a deal.  We'd talk about school after he'd attended for four weeks.  I explained that he might get to go to some of those special classes like he used to go to, and that he would probably have to take some tests.  He wasn't super okay with it, and he was still mad at me but he felt a little better.  M wants to be homeschooled, and he specifically wants me to homeschool. 

So this morning when I came downstairs, my mother was lying in wait for me.  I knew she would be because she heard us talking.  She demanded to know if I'd jumped him about him staying out there.  I said no, I hadn't jumped him.  I said I'd asked if he wanted that, and he wasn't sure.  Then I'd let the matter drop.  I said nothing about talking to him about school.  I'd already decided if she asked about that I was going to tell her we were talking about bugs, which we did for a little while.

She told me that my father said this whole thing was like a divorce, and that he was really upset.  She started crying and said I was going to push M into having a nervous breakdown.  She said that I was going to keep pushing until he hated my guts.  She said that I  needed to let him ease into this whole thing because he wasn't going to want to stay out there with her.  She said he was going to get where he didn't want to be out there period.  She told me he comes downstairs every morning crying because he doesn't want to leave.  She told me she tells him things to build him back up, and that she always knows when his music is loud that I'm jumping him.  His music was loud because he'd been listening to a different CD earlier, and had forgotten to turn it back down.  I told her that.

I don't know how much of any of that to believe.  I can't trust her.  I can't trust my father.  I don't know who to trust, except me. 

[lighter]

The woman is insane.  I'm trying to establish a routine for my son, so now she wants me to have him come spend the week with her while his dog and I stay in our apt.  She said he was fine with the idea.  Well, when I talked to him he didn't seem fine with the idea at all. 

This goes counter to him having a routine.  I don't like this.  It's too much like she's going to try to take custody of my child.

Ummmm.... you shouldn't even be considering her selfish plan to destruct your son's routine. 

In fact, why are you allowing her insanity to bother you at all?

Oh ya, bc N's are agressive and dogged in their determination to get their way and force us to feel guilt in the most unlikely circumstances.

 Don't let her get the best of you. 

She's winning when she's taking up your energy and causing you grief.

Keep thinking about how to get M into happy routine and how nice you'll feel in your own safe space. 

Block her efforts to sidetrack you, where you can.

I know how hard it is to ignore an N's relentless pressure and determination to have their way.  It's really daunting. 

[tayana]

I had a long talk with my sister in law this morning.  I never really liked my sister in law, but she's starting to grow on me, mostly because she's normal.  We talked about things my mom had said to us, and all the lies she had told my SIL, and me.  She's evidently told M he can't come out unless his grandpa invites him out.  I felt better after talking to her.

I asked M tonight if he came downstairs crying in the mornings, and he said, "Of course not.  Ten year olds don't cry." 

It's just another example of her spinning these fantastic lies.  Evidently she's made up this whole fantasy and is trying to pawn it off as the truth.  All of this stuff M has supposedly said or done is suspect.

Typical N stuff.

[Stormchild]

tayana...

congratulations [really, I mean it] on escaping... or at least beginning the process of escaping.

congratulations on discovering your SIL

congratulations on discovering what a frenzied, spinning liar your mother is... it sucks but it's always better to know for sure, in a case like this...

congratulations on being able to ask M questions that will give him some internal reality checks of his own, when he thinks back on them later [10 is not too young for that].

congratulations.

[tayana]

Thanks Stormy.  I'm sure Saturday, when I'm at my new place, I'm going to feel really relieved.  Right now I'm a bit panicked still.  I have so much stuff to pack yet.

There's so much stuff I'm going to have to get rid of.

My mother has asked for all sorts of things back after she gave them to me.  I have a handblown vase she "gave" me.  I'm not even going to pack it.  I'm just going to give it back to her.  She wants back the books I had for my geneaology research.  She wants jewelry back, etc.  It's stupid and petty, and I"m tired of it.  Friday night I'm going to give it all back to her.  I'm going to wait until then though.  There's no point in delighting her too much.

She made a comment tonight while giving my dog scraps off the table, "You better enjoy this because I have a feeling there won't be much cooking after this week."  She doesn't cook that often, really.  I love to cook.  I've already thought of things I want to make, and since it's my kitchen I can get things as messy as I want.