Variable response

[Lupita]

Thank you dear friends. Thank you so much for your time.
Indeed is very comfusing cruelty + kindness = Confusion.
My mom was here for two weeks this time. She is leaving tomorrow early in the morning. She has no idea how bad she makes me feel.
She spent her savings + Her money is all devaluated + she tells me how much effort she did + she hurts me with her behavior +

she says things that hurt + she does not want to do the things I want + I have to please her all the time = I am exhausted +

confused.

I hate when she calls her husband and my sister "her family" as if I was not her family.

I hate when she says how nice is my sister and how good gaughter she is.

She cooked, she cleaned, for me, because I could not do it my self. I am fine now. She leaves tomorrow.

I used to tell her many years ago, "mom, your soup is so good, but you attack me during the time I am eating it, I cant eati ti as it is posined"

So, the soup did not serve. It is like making a cake and put a cacaroch . Cant eat it.

She spent her savings, she cleaned my house, she cooked, helped with half of the supermarket expenses.

N mom is doing a favor but she cannot control that she has to say something ugly, she does not know that that is poisoning the soup and you wont be able to eat it.

She has no idea.

I have no idea how bad my mother feels. I must remember her bad feelings. I am so sorry for my mom.

[lighter]

Best to ask yourself why you're mother is acting the way she is.... because it truly has nothing to do with you. 
Nothing at all. 

She's ill and she can't help herself, or God knows she would.

Go ahead and feel empathy for her. 

Just don't let it cloud your judgement about defending and protecting yourself. 

She deserves empathy, yes, but only to the extent that it doesn't get in the way of you taking care of yourself. 

TAKING CARE OF LUPITA IS YOUR JOB NOW.  Priority #1.

She mustn't be allowed to hurt you any longer. 

I don't know how you'll manage that and also keep her in your life, Lupita.

I don't think I could manage that myself, with an XN husband, much less a mother.

The things you wrote about the good soup she makes but you can't eat it bc you feel it's been poisoned while you eat it.  Her cruelty.  I felt so badly for you just reading about it. 

I don't think they make an imaginary helmet that can keep out that kind of crazy making, irrational inexplicable cruel behavior. 

Nothing to do with you, Lupita, but it's AIMED at your head and your heart and your very soul.

The only way I'd force myself to be around that woman, if I was you, is to have a third party around so she'd be decent in front of them.  I wouldn't subject YOU/MYSELF to any more of her "behind the scenes" insanity. 

From an outsiders point of view, that's how I see it.  <shrug>

So glad you're healing and she's going home.  Whew!

[Ami]

I think children of Ns live in a heightened state of stress, always waiting and always hoping against hope.  I have always had that feeling of waiting and I just hate it.  I wriggle in the waiting, try and be the good one, the rebel, anything to get a few crumbs.  Since I have taken control of my life I have lost that feeling and it is so good.

Dear Lupita,
   I am so sorry that I did not respond to your pain. I was going through so much of myown that I did not see your posts.
   I am going through similar feelings,but you have her there, so you are going through so much more.
   I am so sorry that you are going through so much pain. I hear growth in your posts, though. I hear a strength that was not there, before.
  Once she leaves, you can begin to pick yourself up again.
  Axa, I want so badly to be where you are(above post) . How did you get there?                                          Love   Ami

[Lupita]

Dear Friends:
Today is Sunday 24th. It is 1:27 PM. My mother is gone, for onr year. Why do I feel guilty? I tried ny best, took her to the places she wanted. The only bad thing I did was to respond to things that she says that trigger me.
For example she constantly wakes me up for no reason, even when I was in the hospital agonizing on pain just after surgery. Last niht we agreed that we would have breakfast together today in the morning before we went to the airport. We decided that we would eat eggs and coffee and tost. It would be our last breakfast together until another year. She did not wake me up. She said that she wanted me to sleep more. She did not want to have breakfast with me. I reacted badly to that. I told her how come she was constantly waking me up every single day and today that we particularly last night agreed in to have breakfast before the airport, how come she decided to let me sleep? She deprived me from that, probable unconcsiously. I yelled at her.
Later in the airport, she started complaining about the devaluation of the money there where we come from and how miserable she is and how lucky I am to be in USA. Again I felt atacked. I told her yelling, I have tremendous amount of debt. I owe my car, I owe several thousands of dollars to the hospital and several doctors, I make very little money as a teacher in a private school, that she has a very nice piece of proprety in our country, and even in the USA we have economy problems too. I have to recover, to look for a summer job, I need to feel well but it might be that se wants me to be sad.
I was very mad at her for not seeing that I need her cheer up, not her complains.

Now that she is gone I regret. Did I mistreat my mother? Was I a bad person? Was I a bad daughter?

I feel so guilty and sad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Is that what she wanted?

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
   Do I see myself in you.!!  I think that the "flip" side of the N mother is the guilt ridden daughter .She will do ANYTHING for love and affirmation. I did anything for love--- even be willing to stop eating and die(subconsciously).
  Lupita, I think that these two roles must just go together. The N mother is the one who is unacceptable and hurtful,but we ,as the N  daughters take the blame on ourselves.That is our "hook" in to the "couple"We are a "couple" just as the  spousal relationship. If someone had good self esteem, the abusive relationship would die. It only 'works" when both people play their parts. One abuses and the other "agrees"In order for me to be abused, I have to believe what  the abuser tells me.( down deep)I have to have a mental program where I see myself as worthless or I would not "resonate"  with the other person's agenda . It is subconscious
   I am seeing that 'my role" is a result of my thinking. The problem is inside me.   I do not value myself. I "believe" what my mother told me about myself .I have to change my 'hook-in's" so that they do not fit an abusive persons"hook in's".Whether I am with My H or another man or anyone, I am programmed to blame myself.Then, I find someone who will blame me. We fit together like a lock and key.
   Lupita, I am aghast that you would blame yourself. It is pitiful. I do exactly the same thing. I am not judging one single bit.
   When I hear you describe the situation, I shudder that you would conclude that it is YOUR fault. It is so obviously an  abusive, disrespectful relationship on your mother's part.
   You are being "thrown" the curve ball. Then, you are blamed that you don't throw it back exactly right. .
  We are simply used to this type of behavior from them and also used to blaming ourselves.So,it is 'normal" for us. However, we know ,down deep, that it is not normal. You know down deep how bad it is. However ,it hurts so badly to face it. It is easier(much easier), in a way ,to blame ourselves than to face how awful they are..
   Lupita, you can't make her in to a loving person-- no matter how much money, time ,love or care that you give her.
  I am learning this lesson of loss. Then. after I face the loss, I have to build myself up brick by brick.
  Sometimes, it is unbearably sad. Now, I am feeling a little peaceful b/c I have made some progress. I am going to enjoy this moment of peace(two dogs asleep in the same room and no one home)
Lupita, you are growing and changing. I can hear it. Just keep facing the truth, as you are. Just keep walking forward. You will face it and grieve. Then you will begin to 'feed yourself". This is what I am trying to learn                       Love  Ami

[lighter]

Lupita:

I always feel like that with one of my siblings.

It's always the same.

Just like you say.  My loved one does crazy, hurtful psycho stuff and I explode then feel guilty and I KNOW THAT MY SIB IS LIVING IN FEAR OF BEING DESERTED.  It's a spiral and I can't make it better.

The saying I like, at this time in my life is, "ONE PERSON CAN'T MAKE 2 PEOPLE HAPPY, but they can sure make 2 people miserable." 

After every visit, I always commit to "doing better next time" then can't, lol.

Jeez, I guess  we just need to stop doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different outcome, lol?

Currently, my plan is to put my hand up between our faces whenever she does or says anything insane, and telling her I have no more room for craziness right now, try me again next year. 

That may not be a good plan.  It may not even work but, it's NOT GOING DOWN this year the way it always has gone in the past. 

I just don't have the energy to commit to her insanity AND I choose not to engage in it.

Uh hem

I'll let'ya know how that works out for me.

[Ami]

Lupita,
   I wanted to add something. I realize how much I blame myself, down deep, for not being able to 'make' a good relationship with my M.
  . I  don't want to face how untrue her lies were. I think that if I hate myself, I can still embrace her ideas(b/c  she hated me).
   I think that I am afraid to let it all go. Somehow, I am afraid of living without my whole history (which tells me that i am worthless) than facing how it was ALL a lie.I think that I am afraid of the annihilation of my whole life
   I know that someone will understand this                            Love    Ami

[Hopalong]

Hi Lupita,
I wonder if your grandmother said to her daughter (your mother): ohhhhh, how you hurt me, what you have done to me, how I have sacrificed for you, why can't you be like that other child, if you don't do what I want I will turn my back on how, how terrible my wounds are from my children, how badly you treat me...

If she did, is it possible your mother thinks this is what mothers do? How they talk? Could she be acting out just what her own mother did to her?

Hops

[Lupita]

Hi Hops, I do believe that my mom has NPD. She has no contact with reality. She really believes that with just denying something that something did not happen.

She says, i did not do it. That never happened. You are imagining things.

I am her escape goat and she was her mother's.

My grand mother was very nice to all of us. She was nice to my aunts.

My mom is very nice to my borther and sister. She really loves them. It is just me.  She is totally different with me. And she alienates her husband and my sister and brother against me.

Today I feel sorry for my mom. Yesterday I was all nocked out.

She is there with her husband, and my sister and my sister's daughter.

I am here totally alone.

She know that I owe a lot of money, that I have to look for a summer job after I recover completely, that I dont hve any money. She gave $50.00 to my son to go have fun. My son has his rent paid and food paid. That money is to have fun. I would have used that money. But she gave it to my son.

[Lupita]

Dear friends, thank you for your words.

Thank you so much.

[lighter]

Lupita, I'm so sorry,  it's just so unfair and makes no sense whatsoever!

Your mother's behavior is what it is though.  She's not going to change and she's picked you out as her scape goat.

It's improbable that she would try to crush you to make herself feel better, yet, there it is.

On the money thing, she goes on and on about how poor she is and how good Americans have it then GIVES 50.oo to your son for FUN!?!?!  

That doesn't even make sense when you have so much need and she seems to as well.  

It was like she slapped you in the face on purpose with it and I very much understand how hurt and confused that must make you feel.  

She'll never stop doing that to you, ((Lupita)) Cause she's broken.  

[Lupita]

That is the point, she will never stop. She will never stop. She will never stop.

Today I am numbed. I do not feel.

Lighter, Axa, Ami, everybody, thanks.

She will never stop doing the same.

Next year I will be more prepared.

I will read her e mails after I do my meditation. Never before. And I will answer with only positive things.

[Lupita]

From CB

When you are raised by someone who is fearful about everyday, normal things, it makes you think that the stakes in everyday life are much higher than they are.  You think that there are more life and death issues than really exist.  If you give the dog a bath the "wrong way", it doesnt matter.  But because your mother taught you that life is a fearful thing, the danger seems to be around every corner.  You have picked up her fearfulness without knowing why.

From me

I live in constant fear. But I do not want it anymore. I want to move on and be happy. Need to feel well.