((Changing))
You picked an appropriate siggy name.
First, I want to take a moment to push my jaw closed. I'm so disgusted with that little twist N, I could spit.
He took the refridgerator? OUT of YOUR house? And...... did you happen to have a spare?
Second.... you were worrying about how you'll feel in the future, I think.
Let me tell you a little something about that.
The truth, I think.
I hope.
Some reasonable version of it, lol.
Well... let's just say it's been my experience, many times.
You're going to feel all kinds of anxiety and worry over how you're AFRAID you're going to feel. You've lived with a lot of guilt and fear, it's habit. Not sure when it started but it IS habit or you wouldn't have let this man treat you this way.
This pain you're going through isn't necessarily a bad thing. Think of it as a GROWING pain. You will grow through it and you will grow out of it IF you don't try to sidestep it.
KNOW THAT YOU WILL FEEL BETTER soon. And don't fear it any more.
There will come a day when you just feel lighter.
Your spirit feels a ittle free one day.
You didn't see it coming. Y
ou're surprised by it, in fact, when it arrives.
You experience a little guilt over it when you process that..... this is just the beginning of feeling MUCH MUCH BETTER.
Life without that little twisted excuse for a man will be....... less worry.
Less work. Less expensive.
Less trouble.
Less humiliation.
Less shame.
Less pain.
Less guilt.
The natural by product is that you'll have much more time and space to experience OTHER things.
Recovery for you will be quicker if you start sampling things you think you're interested in. Things that build you up. Things you want to fill your life with.
You may not be ready for that. You may have more mourning to do. You may be very depressed and slide down walls for a while but.......
At some point you'll DO something else.... what shall it be? It's ok to feel a little anxiety here but, why not concentrate on feeling up for a little adventure intead? You can choose how you feel about it.
What do you love?
Do you even know?
Now's the time to explore that question, if you don't.
Don't think about it too hard if it doesn't come easily. You may still need to grieve and feel bad, just to get beyond it.
Go ahead and roll around in the shower and cry and scream and FEEL your pain and rage and, most of all your sadness. For everything..... cry and rock and cry some more.
Wail like a wounded animal till it subsides then scruff yourself nicely from head to toe (taking care with your feet and elbows....hands and face)
Do your hair (whatever ritual or process that you do when you're taking care of yourself) making sure you're done with the mourning and crying then dry yourself off.
Put on some lotion (thatyou love but haven't taken the time to use in a while.)
Notice how nice it is.
Notice that you love it and realize that you love it still.
Put on something you've ironed and taken care with.
Something you love to wear and feel good in.
Put on your makeup, if you wear any, do your hair or twist it up wet, whatever you feel like doing.
You're going out into the day and you're going to DO something for you!
Planned or not, going will be good for you.
No, not Starbucks. ::shaking head::
You need to do something new, something that yours and yours alone.
No, a walk next to the softball field.
Something that leads your mind to new and better places, even if they aren't exactly pleasurable, they need to lead you in a different direction.
You're simply exploring right now, without any expectations. Don't build it up in your mind, just go.
THIS IS AN ADVENTURE!
If you can't think of anything obviouse, like visiting a scrap book store bc you love that stuff.... then go to the bookstore.
Lot's to choose from. Little ones, big ones, one with coffee and ones without. What I love about them myself is to wonder the isles as they lead me and gather a stack. I take them to a lovely little private nook and curl my feet up under me with a latte. I touch the books and I see which ones speak to me. I choose and select and get engrossed or I go and make other selections.
By the time I'm ready to go..... I've learned some important things about myself. What I need to grow. I purchase the books that spoke to me and I leave feeling more educated, armed and happy to have books that I really needed at that time. You may have one on Narcissism and one on asserting yourself. Another on watercolors, in which case you know you're heading to the art supply store next, right?
YOU GOTTA GET A COUPLE THINGS FROM THE SALE SECTION!
On the other hand, you may join your church's book club. I just love the ornery elerly people in mine. Lots of years of wisdom and experience and they like having a younger opinion around.
I adore having them around me, that's for sure. Even if I have to absolutley DRAG myself there, I enjoy BEING there. The payoff will be worth the effort.
Think of it as walking up to a door and opening it.
It may not be a door that leads to something grand but....
by God it may lead to a few other doors that do. Job, friends, new hobby that feeds your soul..... a connection to someone new.
If waxing your car brings you good feelings... wax and detail your car but DO something. Garden? Can things?
It certainly will lead you away from where you are and where you are is painful and uncomfortable.
Those feelings have been telling you something.
They have a message.
You don't belong in a place that hurts and makes you uncomfortable.
You should move on. It's OK to go, it's time.
I'm giving you permission to do so now, if you've always felt you weren't allowed, shouldn't go or couldn't get free.
It's OK.
Don't think of it as the death of your marriage, for surely it wasn't a marriage.
One person exploiting another and scapegoating them so they don't have to own any of their own character flaws is NOT a marriage.
It's exploitation and it's evil because he traded on crushing your spirit and breaking you down so you wouldn't question his odd, cruel, lazy, DISHONORABLE behavior and treatment of you.
He may look like he's having a great time somewhere else. He may talk about livin the dream without you but......
it's really
really
hard
to be happy
perched
on
a that little rock of his......
in hell.
And he's precariously perched, at best, because you were the foundation from which he used to lounge comfortably.
The little piece of rock he owns? It's crumbling and poorly made.
:::whispering::::: that means he'll probably be back.
It means, if you're unlucky, you'll be hearing from him.
It means you're you'll be better off IF you are busy doing other things when he comes around.
If you are able to IGNORE him altogether, so much the better for you.
If you can't just ignore him, You're allowed to say things like.... "Gee, I'm sorry you're such a mess and in pain, I have run" then GO.
or..... ""Gee, I'm glad you're happy, I gotta motor, bye" Then GO.
or......"Ya know.... I appreciate the offer to serve you but.... I'm busy now, No." Then go. Run. NOW!
Don't take his phone calls and chat with him about him for hours. Just don't. HE IS BROKEN BEYOND REPAIR AND CAN'T BE FIXED. That's all you have to know. You won't be able to figure out why but if you must understand more then read on it, don't discuss it with him. HE'LL NEVER GET IT. You're time is better spent on YOU. Not him. Your job is to figure out how to NOT pick broken men/people/things for yourself. Your job is to start making better choices, new mistakes.
It's important to honor yourself.
Dignity will present itself when your N comes around or phones.
Avail yourself to it!
Think of it as a new start.
No dress rehearsals, dear.
One door leads to another.
One good feeling clears space for the next.
Make better choices,
N is a bad choice,
awful feelings will end and good feelings will come again.
Good luck: )
