Every holiday is always a disappointment

[WRITE]

I've tried to alter my perception, we've talked about it here every christmas, every thanksgiving, but I am here again on 4 July and after I finished work and coffee witha  friend I found myself so sad, so lonely.

All the worst feelings come out on the holidays.

I was up early cooking leek soup and semolina, and writing; I have been engrossed in a fun novel.
My gig went well, ex was pleasant and when he just started an anti-religious diatribe he went away and shut up when I told him 'enough'.

Son is watching neighbour fireworks with the dog!

Life couldn't be better except I feel like the only person in the world who never snuggles up on the couch witha  partner, never has sex, never plans holiday days with her family. Ex and son won't cooperate, and certainly won't go to church with me on religious holidays.

maybe I won't be there too in future...

Church guy was upset about something yesterday, I wonder if the new senior pastor is rattling him too, he works for him. He's been given a new member of staff and extra budget, but the staff are being pressurised to socialise with the pastor a lot, every week.

He never replied to my email btw, though he clearly mentioned my name to others, they were very loving with me when I stopped by.

I can't be part of a cult though, no way.

I feel cast adrift today...going to go curl up with son for a while, then go drink hot tea and finish my book.

It's all a bit stark sometimes, being a grown-up. I want someone to take care of me! 

That comes at a price though doesn't it....maybe everything does.

***

Hope everyone else is okay, love to you all.

[isittoolate]

Everything comes at a price.
I must put my entire family on the toxic list and behind a fence.

I am alone now and that is the reality of my life and it's my choice, so I can have a reasonably content mind, per se.------no criticisms, no taunting, no ridicule, no one trying to control my life.

I don't have anyone to curl up with, share a meal with, watch TV/DVDs, then share a spell of discussing some of these great movies that I watch alone.

I work alone, go to the doctor alone, think about my skin cancer alone, go to the eye doctor tomorrow, then the dentist alone, and come home to any empty apartment.

There is no one to scratch my back, to massage my back, to check those itchy spots for cancer.

and no one holds my hand-- no one gives me a hug----no one gives me a kiss-- and all I can say is that I have learned to live with myself, like what I am doing, and will never be dependent again!

This is 365¼ days per year, which are so much the same I need my computer to tell me the date! Do I sound sad? I'm not!

Love
Izzy

[Hopalong]

Oh boy.
I know lonely holidays.
I know nobody to snuggle with for movies.

They're both biggies.

Love, Write...some form of love coming your way.

And Izz, you need new friends and you deserve them.
Sometimes unexpected gifts come with friendship.

love to both of you,
Hops

[reallyME]

...and I know holidays that are the opposite of "lonely" in a sense.  Here is my side from the other side:

Yesterday, I was treated to a husband who kept wandering off (I know he is ADD or ADHD for sure), when he was supposed to be running the concessions trailer, and then trying to justify his actions to me when I got ticked off.

Then, there was the little fight at the dinner table between my mother in law and her 3rd husband.  Her H has some mental issues where he talks in choppy sentences and his thinking is that of about 4 years old.  She was arguing with him about eating some type of food or something.

Next, there was my brother-in-law's N-Father and bro-in-law's wife (bro in law is N too).  My sis in law was talking to her Nh's father about an upcoming picnic, explaining that she and her daughter might be in their home state during that reunion.  Sis in law's N Father in law got miffed and said "This has been written down for YEARS! you gotta be there!"  Sis in law told him, "well, we'll just have to see."  Her N father in law took his wife and got up and left the house and drove home.

Then, my brother in law ( son of N and wife that just left)...didn't happen to like all the salt on what my sis in law cooked, so went on and on like a child about it.

Hmmmmm, so let's see...all of that vs lonely times by myself...I think I'd choose the latter, wouldn't you?

UGH, happy? 4th...day of INDEPENDENCE...suuuuuuuuuuuure

[Ami]

WRITE
   What I see as the underlying I issue for you is societal expectations. I see that for me ,if I could let all the societal expectations (and the N expectations) go, I would be very content. N mothers give you expectations of perfection for EVERYTHING. When I say everything I mean it--- your emotions, looks, education, job, husband, kids, actions etc. Every part of your life---- internal and external has to be done perfectly. What IS perfectly? Whatever the N says it is.
   The worst thing for me is having to have perfect emotions(no bad emotions) and perfect expectations of life( wonderful husband, wonderful relationship with husband,mother and friends.OF COURSE, I am always failing.Then i despise  myself. That is how I got to FEEL so crazy,self doubting and self loathing.
   I think that the bottom line with your thinking is expectations.You are describing a holiday that was bound to fail b/c the expectations were too high. You may say ,"Well don't I deserve to have this? Shouldn't i try to find a relationship like this?
  I think that the blissful picture does not exist other than as fleeting moments. IOW, it is not a static thing that you will "live' with that type of contentment in a relationship. It will come and go.The flip side of the relationship is what Laura said or just someone" annoying " you.
   I am just starting to formulate these ideas ,so I might be wrong in some things. I think that it is the expectations that make our life bad--- more than the actual situations .     Love   Ami

[tayana]

Write,

I don't like holidays, and every one is a major disappointment for me too.  In all honesty, I'd rather be alone.  Every holiday becomes a major production.  My mom complains about everyone and everything, and is certain to tell me how awful my kid is. 

Yesterday was the first holiday with my family since moving.  I had planned on staying home, but I needed some things from my parents' house, so we went over there for the afternoon.  My mom harped and complained about me and my son and what we were doing the entire time.

She wanted my son to spend the night there, but he wouldn't.  She got mad then because he wanted to stay with me.  She fumed and criticized me the rest of the evening until we left.  She wouldn't even say goodbye.

In the past, holidays have meant that the house has to be cleaned, food cooked, etc.  Everything has to be perfect.  Nothing can be left undone or out of place.  I suppose like Ami said, I have high expectations of what a holiday should be like, and they always fail to meet those expectations.

Truthfully, I'd rather be alone and forget about the holiday all together.

[sweetgrass]

count me in for having a ,"lonely day."

 i had a date with a really nice guy, we took one of the boats out into the water, but my mind stay with my xN. how silly is that? i haven't been able to get over him as of yet. i am just glad we have a while before the next holiday.

sweetgrass

[WRITE]

i haven't been able to get over him as of yet.

Hi Sweetgrass, I guess it takes time.

Every holiday becomes a major production.....Everything has to be perfect.  Nothing can be left undone or out of place.

sounds stressful.

I would enjoy some of the preparation except my husband and now my son never would join in the spirit of it.
I leave things to them now so mostly we don't do much.
Ex cooks if it's a family day. He always asks me what I'd like then mostly does something else....

Truthfully, I'd rather be alone and forget about the holiday all together.

maybe I should count my blessings Tayana!

The flip side of the relationship is what Laura said or just someone" annoying " you.

it's more difficult for me too Ami, I don't even know if I can do a relationship with the bipolar, it all seems too hard.

Spending months getting to know someone, before I even trust them, I'm going to seem so high maintenance and just wear people out.

Izz, you need new friends and you deserve them.
Sometimes unexpected gifts come with friendship.

yes, they do.

I am finding though it's important not to burden friendships, either. There's a balance of how much can be shared and some stuff just has to be endured alone....

Thanks for your advice Iz, I think you have it in a nutshell where I should focus most for now

no criticisms, no taunting, no ridicule, no one trying to control my life.

*

Do I sound sad?

no you sound the most positive of all!

*

I'm just exhausted I guess, tiem to down-size a bit and do some self-care.

Too much going on, I can't process any more right now.

Love to everyone.

[confused2]

I hear you loud and clear, Write!

when I was with my x b/fN, we never really did anything on the 4th. just sort of laid around until he suggested something he wanted to do. which was never.

I guess going out on the lake was sort of a treat. I would not have done that if he would have been around. He would have been sort of sad, and speaking all negative things about the Holiday.

How sick am I that I would miss that??!!! What it is the addiction with these people????

Sweetgrass

[lighter]

Heh.... Every holiday for 15 years I've talked about finding a deserted island and looking for Pirates.

My siblings were not amused.

They also managed to talk me out of it year after year. 

Now.... one of my sibs has thrown in their proverbial hat and plans to execute my brilliant plan, not sure if it's forever but... I believe this threat is seriouse.  At least for this year.

The Borderline Personality Sib will go off their nut over this decision..... I don't look forward to the show.

[isittoolate]

i can say only that I am totally against holidays.
Ixxy

[Hopalong]

We could declare an Anti-Holiday Holiday, during which we:

--will have no contact with any biological relative who doesn't make us feel wonderful
--will eat only what occurs to us and nothing that resembles a holiday food
--will sleep in or not, go out or not, exactly as we like
--wear no special clothes
--use no special greetings
--decorate nothing whatsoever (big demerits for decorating!)
--send no mail
--go nowhere we don't love to be
--play no music unless we adore it
--sing no songs unless we make them up

any more? 
Hops

[isittoolate]

I do that all year Hops

Iz

[WRITE]

I am planning a trip to SF for the fall, even though I will struggle to afford it, i had such a good time last year and I love my friend there so much, I think it is what I need, something for me which I love to look forward to.

LAst time I walked miles, i ate loads and still dropped three pounds!

Just thinking about it still makes me smile.

Got to go now but I will reply more later or tomorrow, just wanted to check in and let you all know I am not tying rocks to my feet and jumping of bridges....what a few days.
I understand now why I put off the divorce for so long, I was afraid of facing all this.

Love to everyone, thanks so much for every drop of support, i really needed it and it all helped more than you can know.

[Ami]

Dear WRITE,
   So glad that you are doing better. What is SF?. I guess that a person just has to go through the bad moments and not see them as lasting forever.
  I like the saying,In the meantime--- it's a mean  time .                                 Love    Ami