Teartracks Week From Hell

[teartracks]

Hi Friends,

Ya'll are too good to me, but WOW, have I needed your kindnesses.   I'm still not hitting on all cylinders.  A tiny bit of energy increase day to day.

Nephew is gone.  I didn't have to 'invite' him to leave for which I'm thankful.  He professes to have gone to get his life and belongings in order.  I wish him well.

CFS - that is a leftover from Mono about four years ago.  Mono whooped my butt.  Its legacy is two bouts with Shingles, achy joints, a spot inside my right chest that feels like a golf ball size molten lava.  My doctor says my brain receptors are resistant (his best guess) to pain medications, even the heavy duty ones.  So me and Aleve have become good friends. 

Mom's ulcer is still just sitting there not doing much.  The glued skin tear on her arm is miraculously healing.

Remodel project is about 90% done.   Hope to have it ready for a happy renter by July 1. 

I'm realizing that so much of my energy is spent trying to keep my mom alive.  About others and society at large, I've often said, People need to be given back the right to die.  It's easy to make a general statement like that, but for me in this situation, it's not easy.  I feel like it's my responsibility to keep her alive.  Will I ever stop being the 'fixer'!  Not easy!  I'm working on it though.  I'm working on adopting the idea that I must, as my brother says, Get ready, it's coming.   

My brother and I are working on a July 1 deadline to get her to his house and me either resting here or taking off to a mountain house.  It would be nice to just rest here for two weeks, then take off to a retreat for another two.   That's what I'm hoping for.

Thanks to each one for extending your best wishes and prayers.  You're all precious to me.

Mud and Hops, you two made me smile today with your goofy humor!  Thanks.

You must make self-care as much of a priority as other-care. What you've just been through is a 'shot across the bow'. Please, please heed the message.

I hear you loud and clear, Storm.  I must take care of me.

CB, Thanks for your encouragement.

Iz, Some 'experts' deny that CFS is real.  I know that it is.  Until I got Mono, I never had joint pain, or the tiredness I experience now.  I was beset with it overnight.  I went to bed one night joint pain free and woke up aching from head to tow.  Even the tissue on my bones ached.  Bizarre!

lighter, MS, Ami, you are dear to me.  All 'O ya'll are...

tt

 

[Stormchild]

Tracks, I'm 'a'gonna PM you a magical mystical ulcer cure... for your mom. You might want to try it yourself. It's loverly.

[Sela]

Sorry for all you're going through, TT.

Wishing you a speedy exit from your suffering and a return of full health, even extra energy!


Sela

[teartracks]

A bit more explanation.

I'm realizing that so much of my energy is spent trying to keep my mom alive.  About others and society at large, I've often said, People need to be given back the right to die.  It's easy to make a general statement like that, but for me in this situation, it's not easy.  I feel like it's my responsibility to keep her alive.  Will I ever stop being the 'fixer'!  Not easy!  I'm working on it though.  I'm working on adopting the idea that I must, as my brother says, Get ready, it's coming.   

What I was alluding to is that three or four of my mom's falls (I've lost count) have been when she insists on gardening and pulling a garden hose across the yard.  She's not able to separate what used to be normal activity for her and what absolutely can't be normal  behavior now.  On the one hand, I spend all my time worrying and trying to keep  her alive by reminding her not to do certain things, while she does the exact opposite.  Eventually her boneheadedness will cause her to fall again and break a major bone.   I know because I've been in the 'business' of elder care this will reap vicious consequences.   Oh the value of mutuality - just considering the other person!   She is showing signs of mild dementia, but she KNOWS what she is doing.    She was an incorrigible child and is now an Ncorrigible adult. 

tt

[Ami]

DearTT,
  CFS is very real. I have heard that it can be brought on by extreme stress. I think that a long time ago, I was on the verge of having it.It was a time of awful stress and betrayal. by my M and H.
    I encourage you to keep writing and sharing on the board. You have a group of people who have wonderful wisdom and love .. I think that you need these qualities right now.
   I truly cannot imagine taking care of my N mother in your situation. I don't remember if your mother is an N. However, you said that you have an enmeshed relationship.
   My mother was so mean to me whenever I needed her. I think that I would "beat her to death" if I were in your situation.. I can only imagine how awful it is to have all those emotions and have to "care take " also.
  Truly, you are a hero. I would suggest to find all the outlets that you need  that would help you emotionally. This board is  an excellent one. .
   Since you have decided to take care of your mother, I would keep trying to 'express" my true emotions whenever I could. It will be like a release of steam from a pressure cooker. I think that you should try to express whatever feelings you have even if they are not"pretty"
   I have you in my prayers,TT.((((((((((((((((((TT)))))))))))))))))))))            Love Ami
 

[teartracks]

Sela,  Thank you for wishing me even extra energy.  Now that would be wonderful!

Ami, You are such a good encourager.  I have no doubt that the health problems I'm experiencing are stress related.  I'm in the process of changing some of my mind sets, like that it is not my responsibility to keep my mom alive.  I'm only responsible (because I've chosen to caretake her) to do my part right.  You are right.  The board helps tremendously in many ways, but for now, it's helping me see some things clearer and for sure encouraging.  Thank you my dear.

tt

[lighter]

Glad to hear your mother's arm is healing and your houseguest hit the trail.

Sorry your still not feeling well and have no energy for yourself. 

Maybe that well earned vacation will be just what the doctored orderd to recharge and restore your batteries? 

In any case, I'm glad your brother is helping facilitate time off for you.  I'm so glad your looking forward to it and getting excited. 

[axa]

TT

Wishing you strength and peace,

axa

Oh and better health

[Hopalong]

Hi TT,
I've been steeling myself against the inevitable fall too.

Horrible thing to have to learn, but I guess it's like being a soldier.
Nerves of steel.

It's pitiful, but I spent exhausting hours upon hours trying to persuade her to walk regularly so that she could continue to walk...and it became a power struggle, and I finally realized I would have to quit, and if/when she had a bone-breaking fall, I would dial 9-1-1 again and hold her hand and be compassionate while we wait for the familiar young EMTs.

That's it. If she's home again, I will not live in a state of alarm again. The body is not willing.

hugs to you TT, hope you REST...

Hops

[teartracks]

Hi My Blessed Friends,

I wanted to give an update on what has been going on with me.

The week from hell was bad.   It turned out to be more like a month from hell.  Then things got a little better.  The expenses on the remodel doubled what I expected because I was sick and couldn't supervise, nor could I do my own 'to do' list, which would have been a big money saver.  It is rented as of Friday.  So halleleua!  It's a start to recouping some of my outlay.

The dental thing - the bridge that had come unglued...Well that turned out to be something!  My beloved dentist was sure he could lift the whole thing out, treat the anchor teeth and drop it right back in.   I've never experienced anything like it before, but the procedure he used was to use a kind of upside down jack hammer that gave a pretty good jolt to the bridge to loosen it.  The bridge is in the bottom.  Lo and behold, the second anchor tooth just wouldn't give way.  He was so embarrassed and apologietic.  Said that in his career as a dentist ( 30 plus years ) that mine was the second one he couldn't at least get to come out using the same procedure.  That darned second tooth wouldn't give at all.  It has come down to cutting the bridge away and rebuilding it.  That means I'll be spending thousands instead of the hundreds I would have spent if the damned thing would have come out.  So I'm left with it in place because I decided I'd rather have the old bridge  than a temporary while I go on vacation.   So replacing it has been delayed because changing my time away would be next to impossible.  My mouth is sore.  Can't chew normally.  You know the frustration, right?

YES!  I have the month of July apart from my mother.  She has the month of July apart from me.  I took her to my brothers Sunday.  He and his wife will be caring for her. 

The mountain retreat worked out.  I'll be alone, away from the familiar, and hopefully pretty much invisible to the others in the area while there.   Being alone is what re-energizes me.  That is next week.  After that, I have no plans, except to follow my nose and do things that hopefully will relieve the exhaustion I feel.

One thing I'll be doing is visiting Carl Sandburgs home.  His wife loved goats.  I hear it is well worth the few hours it takes to tour it.  I love goats, (would love to have a goat dairy), so I really look forward to that.

My mom's anemia has been corrected.  She is feeling stronger, but is still rather frail.  The leg ulcer is still just sitting there, but the inflamation has abated.  The arm skin tear, which has healed pretty well, now has two smaller ones around it.  She can't remember how she got those.   She declared to me a few days ago that her memory was just as sharp as it was when she was 18.  She still gets in her car and drives.  She has had a few spells of confusion.  Could be low potassium.  We keep bananas in the house for that. 

I've learned an important lesson.  I've learned that up to now, my every waking minute has been spent trying to keep my mom alive.  What was I thinking?  There is an obvious conflict of purpose.  I want to keep her alive and safe.  Her purpose is to interject something into each day that is meaningful to her and redeems the little time she has left.  Coming from a farm background dictates that she do things she loved doing when she was younger.  That gives her meaning, but puts her at a much higher risk for a dibilitating, even deathly fall.  Hence, the falls while gardening and watering things on the outside. 

I need to internalize this new understanding, that is, it is not my responsibility to keep her alive.  I'm responsible to do what I can.  Keeping her alive is not one of my I can's.  The problem is that I haven't internalized this new thinking.  I hope to accomplish that while I'm away.  I need time for one on one with God.  I need to apologize to Him for my foolish thinking and to hear His comforting assurance and love.

I need to do what Day Lily talked about in her post today.  I need to forgive myself for being disappointed in myself for my failures along life's path.  I had done some of that, but her post reminded me that it is an unfinished work.  Thank you Day Lily.

Anyway, I'll be kind of scarce over the next three weeks. 

For all who took the time to console, advise me and intercede at the throne of God on my behalf,  thank you from the bottom of my heart.   

My best love,

tt

[Ami]

[
I need to do what Day Lily talked about in her post today.  I need to forgive myself for being disappointed in myself for my failures along life's path.  I had done some of that, but her post reminded me that it is an unfinished work.  Thank you Day Lily.

Dear TT. I see you as having bravery and grace. You probably se yourself differently( as the above post says). We have a filter which sees the failures. Why? Maybe with me, I compare myself to all the "perfect people" my mother told me were out there.
   I see myself as losing my core at 14 and making stupid mistakes from then on. If I would have retained my core, I think that I would have been all right If I had a core, I would not have married an abusive manand I would not have spent a lifetime trying to get my mother to love me. However, I only found God b/c I was so broken. Maybe,it is like that Chinese proverb with the man and the horse.
   TT,it seems like you found God, The troubles of his life are nothing compared to the glory that lies ahead.I hang on to this when I am forlorn. I will be praying for you on your trip.   Love   Ami

[mountainspring]

Hi Tracks,

I hope you have a great time on your mountain retreat.  I wonder if your brother could do this more often for you. These breaks sure do help.  Enjoy yourself,  TT. 

[teartracks]

Hi Ami,  MS & CB,

Just wanted to say thank you for your kind encouragement, cyber fellowship and good suggestions.   I'll be leaving no later than Wednesday to the calm, coolness of the mountains.  I've worked in a frenzie this week trying to get the tyrannical urgent things behind me so I don't have to worry after I leave. 

Love to y'all.  You mean a lot to me. 

tt

[Hopalong]

TT,
Cool mountain breezes, the sweet faces of wildflowers,
the peace of earth and rock to you...and vistas to see.

And hopefully a wonderful porch.

hugs
Hops

[Ami]

Wishing you a wonderful, healing trip,TT. Enjoy God's beautiful handiwork, Friend           Love   Ami