Part Lazy,Part Overwhelmed

[Hopalong]

I meet with my mother's Pt team tomorrow, for The Talk about when she'll be discharged.
And my D arrives Friday.
I need to work to get into a peaceful space about my D...

i NEED my serenity, this is my vacation

And I feel overwhelmed about paperwork again--hers and mine

Find it hard to face.

JUST  a little vent,

JUSt feel overwhelmed by responsibility.

Hops

[lighter]

Awwwww ((((Hops))))

 I'm up doing paperwork and it's almost 5am, lol.  Overwhelmed and procrastinating till the last minute.

I hate the paperwork too, Hops.

I can't imagine finding serenity with all you have going on.  I think it's a little unrealisitic considering the circumstances. 

If you can rest and build yourself up, at least you'll have some reserves to draw on?

Can you get your doctor to prescribe a little ativan or something for the worst times?  You could nibble off a corner just to bring yourself back to normal.  I do that at funerals, which I find impossible to sit through otherwise.   

[Ami]

Dear Hops,                                                                                                                                                             
   My impression is the you are 'judging" yourself unfairly. Using the word "lazy"  is a slur to yourself.
  I don't see "laziness: as a factor anywhere. I see OVERWHELMIMG  responsibilities. I see the most stressful thing there is --- caring for an N(ish) mother . Also, having a hard relationship with a D on top of it. Probably your M and D unite against you ,too.
   Hops, I really, really think you are not seeing the magnitude of stress that is around you. You are minimizing the very real issues .   You seem to be trying to handle them all with tremendous grace and
   I think that your little self critical voice is "sabotaging" your valiant efforts                    Love  Ami

[bigalspal]

Hi Hops,
I'm like Ami. I don't see it as lazy at all! That's a big job, taking care of another adult. ESPECIALLY when that other person can be difficult!
And I'd want my vacation, too.
I , myself, have unfinished paperwork sitting on the bar in my kitchen.
I'm putting it off! I don't even WORK right now, so I have NO excuse!
It's surgery paperwork.
You sound pretty "normal to me".
Love,
Bigalspal

[Sela]

Hey Hops,

It's tough thinking about her discharge eh? The loss of peace.

Maybe you can plan ways to keep specific bits of your peace, even once she's home?  Is there no respite care available for her at all?  (I'm sorry, I don't know the system there.....here, there is some.  Also, there are centres where a senior can be placed occasionally on w/e's.....to give the family respite.  Anything like that there?).   Or any voluteer agencies?  Or how about one of your friends from church?  Would anyone consider just sitting with your mom on a Saturday, every so often?  To give you a break?

It would not be a selfish act to plan a few breaks for yourself, once she's back in the house.  It would be a healthy step, I think.

Re paperwork:  Does it ever end?  What if you spend an hour tonight really going at it and then allow yourself to enjoy your holiday, after that.  Then plan another hour when your holiday ends?  That way, you make an effort and get things started but don't impose the requirement of completing the task, when you are on holiday?  Wish I could come over there and give you a hand!   And set the timer!!

 You do have a lot of responsibility Hops and a right to feel overwhelmed.  Maybe you can think of it in smaller bits and it won't seem like such a huge mountain?  Can you delegate anything to anyone else?   Is there anyone you could ask to help you out with menial tasks, for instance?  Or possibly trade off with another person in a similar situation?  I wonder if there is a support group for care givers through your neighbourhood mental health association?  (or whatnot.....again....sorry I don't know the system there).

Maybe none of this helps?  Just a hug then........((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))

Sela

[Hopalong]

Sela, CB, Ami, BAP, Lighter,

What a gift to have this place. It knocks my socks off.
I'll do the "lazy" thing and answer everything at once while sending each of you an enormous hug and by the way, also a tall glass of this deeeeelicious guilt-free cooler I've made myself in a tall glass over lots of ice:
half-glass inexpensive merlot (I found they make tiny bottles that only have a serving & a half...great idea! I like wine but never buy it since it goes bad)
1/4 glass light cranberry cocktail
1/4 glass club soda

It's really really delightful. And is going to fortify me to go downstairs. blast Air America and tackle that tablefull!

I went this a.m. and the gist is:
--She will be staying at least another week or two, perhaps longer, until the MediCare 100 days runs out
--After that, she has to come home or stay there long term
--Long term is $150/day which is more than her income and neither my brother nor I has it
--We might manage again at home if she'll agree to some ground rules (in bed with a book after lunch until I get home, or, her caregiver keeping stricter hours that are set by me, not by Mom's whims)

All else is up in the air but somehow I'm drawing on my inner GS and I will tackle this pile of dreck. Yesterday I decided that while I have the luxury of using the space, I'd really use it. So I blew $7 on a big bouquet of sunflowers, I'm going to move the fancy punch bowl, and set up a dry-erase whiteboard I bought on the sideboard. I'm going to divide it in half, one side for my financial bottom line and one for my mother's, and create a visual aid for myself that will keep it all visual and can be updated every time we pay off something.

Sounds silly but I think this will help me. I have an ability to "go to sleep" when things are in envelopes, piles, and folders....and just "not think about them" (too busy free-associating). So I'm thinking this is worth trying. Once I know where I stand, it's easier to start visualizing ways to cope.

Thank you, all of you. If I had to get an extra job to pay for extra care for her at home (and avoid selling the house) I might even do that.

hugs
Hops

[finding peace]

Hi Hops,

Hang in there - sounds like way too much at once (((((Strength and Serenity)))))

[Not to add to the stress - but something you might be able to offset if necessary] Regarding long-term care, we just last month went through this with my SIL's father and my H's grandmother.  My SIL was told that with long-term care, if the money runs out, the care facility can garnish any assets that the patient has - including their home.  Her father lives with them and used to be listed on her mortgage.  Had he still been on the mortgage, the care facility would have sold their house out from under them.  Now I heard this second hand, not sure all is factual, but it might be worth looking into.  If you mother is on the mortgage/title, can she sign over to you so that the house is not garnished?  The problem is that they (from what SIL told me), will sell it for whatever it can go for, not necessarily fair market price and you could end up losing a lot of money (or all of it). 

Better, if possible, to get your mother's name removed from the title.

Luckily we did not have this problem with H's grandmom.

Take care and am thinking of you.
(now I think I am going to go try one of those coolers!!!)

[WRITE]

I am typing with one hand, been on the phone with the IRS for two hours now, awful service, passed back and forth like an idiot! The last lady at least helped me...no wonder people avoid sorting these things out, could they make it more difficult?!

i NEED my serenity, this is my vacation

And I feel overwhelmed about paperwork again--hers and mine

I think there is a certain serenity comes with sorting out jobs which hang over us, you'll feel much better to get it done than trying to relax another way.

It overwhelms me too to be wasting a perfectly good day of my one and only life on this nonsense.

Now the line just stopped...does this mean I am cut off, what? Frustrating isn't the word!

Think I'll call again tomorrow....it's taken me days to get this far.
The first help I got was advice to download a 247 page document on US taxes!!!

It's so stupid it's funny isn't it.

Hope you get loads done Hops (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[teartracks]

(((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((Mom)))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((PT)))))))))))))))))))

Hops, I send my best. 

Love,
tt

[moonlight52]

Awwwwwwwwww hops

I do not know how you do it but you do
Some inner place of deep kindness

I do hope your moms needs and your work do not cause a lot of stress
one thing about the paper work stuff I do it in steps get ready ,set and go

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

big hug for all you give here also your sermon
I just wish I had the way with words to tell you how beautiful it is
If I could draw a picture or paint you a painting you would know........

so much love to you
m

[Gaining Strength]

Hops - the sunflowers and the board are magnificent ideas.  I am going to visualize you getting through this.  With some order created visually perhaps you can then begin to use the "one square at a time" concept applied to items on the board.  My heart is with you and I am sending you courage and strength to master this chore. - your friend - GS

[axa]

Hops,

SWEETIE..........................Glad your Mom is staying for another two weeks.  I think it is important that you look after YOU for this vacation.  Remember Mom is coming back. 

Drink sounds interesting!!!  Delighted to hear about the sunflowers.

Wanna know something I do as I am great at avoiding the paper work also.  I now have a rule.  I cannot access Voiceless unless I clear some piece of paper work off my desk, pay one bill etc.....  Doing it in small stages does move the mess.

About your Daughter.  I think it is not your responsiblity to "make" her happy.  Be yourself, trust yourself.  She will be how she wants to be, hopefully respectful but remember the only person you can control is you.  However you are she will choose her behaviour.  I hope she will be gentle with you Hops,

Hugs,

Axa

[lighter]

Lovely to picture you in the house with a big bouquet of Sunflowers and a glass of..... uhhhh...... whatever the heck that was you were drinking, Hops.

I had a lovely moment this afternoon reading a magazine and just enjoyed BEING.  It's a state of mind and I want more of it!

Axa:  I'm going to try to do a little every day, regarding paperwork.  I like the idea of doing it before I allow myself access to the computer, etc. 

[axa]

Lighter,

I know if I did not discipline myself in this way I would get nothing done.  It has been big learning for me that all the small bits add up to a big bit.  Good luck with the paper work.

axa

[Hopalong]

Hi Bean,
She's coming tonight and as her grandmother is still in the PT place, I'm ignoring her drama. Plus, I believe I am ready to ignore her domineering ways anyway.

I am so burdened right now with all this stuff and am late on paperwork, even a few bills, and I don't have the inclination to pander to anything excessive from D. That said, i think she's eager to come and be with me here at home WITHOUT GRANDMA for the first time in 8 years. We'll both spend time at the nursing home too, but I know we both will savor time together without Mom's hovering presence.

Anybody tries to get me in a drama, I'll fall asleep right in front of 'em.

love
Hops