I'm hoping for some support and understanding for a situation involving a narcissist. I'm a single male, mid-fifties. This is a long and complicated story so I will try to drastically abbreviate things. It involves a social group I joined about ten years ago, the core of which has varied from 15-40 people and many of these people I have known for all these years. We meet once a week to walk and talk and then have lunch afterwards and plan activities and trips. Randy (not his real name) and I became best friends and the main people who made things happen. A few years ago I began to realize that he would never participate in anything that was not his original idea, although he would feign enthusiasm and interest in my ideas up to the very last minute and then find an excuse to beg off. I should explain that I'm a borderline personality who doesn't have a great deal of "credibility" to begin with because my personality and emotions bounce around a lot and that he is very charismatic (reminds me of Bill Clinton). He has an amazing ability to put himself at the center of a social situation and mesmerize people. He has a sweet angelic face which you would never suspect of nefariousness of any kind.
Because he was so unreliable I began to plan activities without his 'partnership,' but most of these activities always managed to fall apart somehow. I couldn't understand it because initially enthusiasm would be high and then it would simply evaporate. I continued to think of him as my best friend, however, while all the time he was sabotaging me behind my back in extremely subtle ways. Without knowing what I was dealing with, about a year and a half ago I confronted him with my concerns (still believing I could retain his so-called friendship) and his response was to cut me off at the knees. I was shocked at his coldness. He was the acknowledged planner for evening cultural activities (while I did weekend getaway things) and he immediately cut me out of the loop. It was my punishment, I believe, for questioning his false self. I usually would find out about events that he had excluded me from because it is not possible to keep secrets in a group this size. He knew this of course. He also knew about my (BPDs) great fear of abandonment and so this was just downright cruelty. I should say that he is in the counseling field and passes himself off as very caring!
Even worse he began a slow, secret campaign to completely destroy my credibility with the group in order to get me back in the fold or drive me away, it didn't matter which. I realize now that he simply can't tolerate to see the truth about himself reflected in the mirror of my eyes. People I had known for years began to treat me differently. The social life I had had for many years began to disintegrate and I became an emotional wreck (borderlines have a shaky self-identity to begin with) as I begin to question all of my old friendships and have problems with people I never had problems with before. If you know about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) you know that we can be triggered easily and have difficulty with emotional regulation when we are upset about something. A few weeks ago he staged an incident in front of the group to deliberately provoke my anger towards him, which it did. (It was the first time he had deigned to say one word to me for almost two years). Afterwards, after all the pitying suggestions that I get some counciling, I realized that he had been talking to people (very "compassionately" of course!) about my 'anger management problems" and that the whole scene had been a setup. Then I got an email from a close mutual friend that laid it all out: I was hurting other people who were mutual friends, I needed to get counselling for my anger because "all the anger is on your side, he's never said anything against you, he's not trying to cause YOU problems with the group, (I have said things to defend myself, like calling him a liar) I should stop trying to drive HIM away, I should stop trying to punish HIM"--in short everything flipped completely upside down! He has persuaded nearly everyone in this group that I'm an angry, vindictive basket case and that he's a compassionate angel. Truly crazy-making stuff. Thank you for caring and listening.
