Saturday night date with myself!

[teartracks]

Dear WRITE,

My church experience has been put to the test too.  Things have leveled out now, but I simply withdrew for a while.   I love the little church I attend now.  It doesn't have the box store mentality and is more liike a spiritual boutique.  I love it.  Previously I had attended a large church, not a box store type, but pretty big.  I never dreamed that a church as small as this one would fit my need exactly.  It's a poor church in $, but so rich in spirit.  I'm not making a recommendation, just sharing my experience.  I'll be hoping for you to find exactly the church that allows you to use your gift for music and also, fulfill your need for fellowship and one that doesn't smack of a social club.

tt

[Hopalong]

Night, sweet Write.
Dittoes to TT.

I don't mean to make a recommendation but maybe a suggestion if you haven't checked them out before...
Sojourners?

love to you, peace to you,
Hops

[moonlight52]

Hops ,

I am sure Write will not mind me asking
What is Sojourners????

Our UU church has moved out of town and the only UU church is miles away now.
I hope not to wake Write 
last night I got a good night sleep so important to bipolar.

love to you
moon

[WRITE]

I think you are moving into a richer consciousness and that while the struggles continue you or on the verge of finding life easier. You appear to be on the precipice of wisdom and I have to believe that that will bring good rewards and some true comfort.

I'm routing for you and admiring you from afar.

thanks so much GS. So often your words have been an anchor for me when things have been difficult.

And I hope your situation is easing somewhat too, I have been thinking abouit you ((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))

I simply withdrew for a while. 

you know TT even though I KNOW intellectually when this is what i need to do, I so often don't do it!

I never know when to quit.

Maybe quitting is an inverse kind of rejection thing????

Maybe I should re-frame things, 'take a break....'

Now the UU church I went to where I had bad experiences but also made many friends and went back and overcame my fears and upsets....well because I have stayed in contact I have watched as things unravelled there which were nothing to do with me but all part of the same behaviours and attitudes which i had problems with before, the place is pretty-much falling apart with the clergy on leave, the finances in disarray and the people acting in a way I would call at best unhealthy.

I can't change these kinds of things can I, though sometimes I try to, and hang in there long after it becomes obvious to others that there's nothing to be gained.

Maybe because I was abandonned I don't like to feel I am abandonning others?

I am the same with everything, I don't like to under-tip, I keep appointments I cannot afford because the other person needs to earn a living too, I say no when I mean yes so as not to put people out....I'm sure I seem like a total idiot to you guys sometimes with my strange decision-making.

I need to work on this more and stop feeling so responsible for everyone and everything.

love to you, peace to you,
Hops

you too H!

last night I got a good night sleep so important to bipolar.

me too Moon!
I took 10 mg lexapro at 10 pm and slept really well all night.

I'll check out Sojourners http://www.sojo.net/ Thanks.

I'm having a down-time day today, ex suggested it.
He is so happy havign his family visit, he's taken a whole week off and hasn't been to work once!

He told me yesterday he will help me financially if I struggle over the next few weeks or if I get sick; I don't entirely trust in him not switching tack, but he has been extremely reliable financially to date despite the divorce.
I think everything will be okay with he and I.

Son was crying at bedtime, teenage angst stuff....
I tried talking with him and the negativity defeated me, so I distracted him by making a limeric:

there was a young lady of Dallas
who wanted to live in a palace
but she married a sailor
who lived in a trailer
and treated their children with malice!

It's sort of an NPD theme don't you think?!

He loves to rhyme with me, or make up silly stories 

[lighter]

Write;

So glad you're feeling stronger.... more centered and sure. 

Sometimes, if we're lucky enough to realize it at all..... we forget to give attention to our spiritual selves. 

Nothing to do with religioun. 

So much going on around you.  ::sigh::

I liked picturing you rhyming with your son: )

[Certain Hope]

Dear Write,

About withdrawing, you said:

"even though I KNOW intellectually when this is what i need to do, I so often don't do it!"

I know this one because I've tripped over it so often...
for me, it's about feeling naked without a "cause".

Just starting to recognize that it's okay for the "cause" to be more about being than doing.

And I like your rhyme alot 

Love,
Hope

[Hopalong]

There once was a woman named Write
who never stopped searching for light.
She sang and she wrote-ed, she ebbed and she float-
ed, and she wound up feeling really all right.

(Now you know I'm a poet...) 

Hops

[WRITE]

So much going on around you.  ::sigh::

absolutely lighter.
I've been getting in a state and yesterday I was driving home and looked at something and smiled and caught myself smiling and thought: this is what my life is.
It's not churches, it's not boyfriends, it's not even son or ex. It's me, that core person inside with my ideas, and my values, and my personality and my ways...
I lost sight of me again.

for me, it's about feeling naked without a "cause".

I think you hit it CH.
It's so hard to go from all this intensity about causes and other people to having no focus for it- and it doesn't go away with me all the time because of the bipolar.
I'm going to try channelling it more into solitary pursuits though, not groups.

I have to stop helping people for a while, until I know I am only doign a) what i am capable of and b) what i really want to not just patterns and habits.

I need to calm down I guess.

Very good Hops 

and

There once was a lady called Hops
who always pulled out all the stops
to make people cheerful
when they're feeling fearful,
that's why we all call her the tops!

( sorry, been a long week, feel free to improve upon me! )

 

[WRITE]

well last night was Saturday night again.
I went to church, it was a lovely service and towards the end my friend arrived.
You remember I was upset with him a few weeks ago, he stopped calling me and for some reason was treating me strangely.
He came and sat with me and was clearly emotional; a couple of weeks ago a friend of his also joined me after church and bought me tea and told me she was worried about his drinking.

I did listen to him, and encouraged him to address his growing drink problem and reminded him I have been there, but frankly it was my night for myself and I felt like I didn't have to be on therapy duty, and it was a little disconcerting that he never asked about my divorce or my son or one question about me!

After an hour I excused myself, we hugged and I went on with my special night on my own; he invited me to go out with his crowd but I declined.

I went to two food markets and tasted some melon and cheese samples and bought ingredients for soup and some great garlic hummus for dinner.

Watched a movie, had a long cry and went to bed.

I don't know where all this crying has come from recently, and a couple of days I have taken ad/s which helped, though I have to be careful with them because they cause mania even in tiny doses.

I think part of it has been dropping the pretence that I can cope without meeting my needs and denying my own painful responses to things for so long.

Sitting with my friend whilst he went on and on about himself, I resisted the urge to go into helper mode, and acknowledged that he was making me feel somewhat uncomfortable and almost invisible...

Got up really early today, made soup. Had an accident and sliced my finger open, blood everywhere. Found just the right size/ kind of elastoplast in the cupboard to deal with it fortunately!

And an easy-read novel from one of my favourite UK authors which I spent a couple of hours reading.

Going to an antique fair now.

I'm trying to be a little less intense and do more low-key stuff instead of all this delving into the heart of the world I've been obsessed about the past few years. Maybe my crusading days are over!

[lighter]

Your post was so normal and on target, from where I sit.

Not jumping into helper mode is hard, but I think that's part of taking care of ourselves...... just turning away from other people's problems and dealing with our true responsibilites. 

Us.

I learned to say..... "Let me know how that works out for ya" instead of trying to fix other people's problems.

It feels so good to give myself permission to turn away from that role..... the guilt of not being the fixer.

Glad to hear your night wasn't sidetracked and you stayed focused on you and your scheduled evening.

What kinda soup did you make?

ps.... love those really thick waterproof bandaids that don't fall off till everything is healed: )

[Hopalong]

I resisted the urge to go into helper mode, and acknowledged that he was making me feel somewhat uncomfortable and almost invisible...

Wowsers, Write!

This is the kind of thinking that leads eventually to happiness!

xxxooo
Hops

[WRITE]

Leek soup- my favourite.

This is the kind of thinking that leads eventually to happiness!

I don't know, but I am starting to feel more 'whole' again.

Slept all afternoon though, maybe that's the heat. And the fact the tap-dancing babies upstairs woke me at 2 and 3 am....

All my neighbours are moving out, the place looks rougher daily. Can't wait to move now, have brought some of my stuff over to ex's as I suspect we'll have problems with security next. Once the balance of a place changes....