Being myself without fear

[motheroffour]

My thoughts, as of late, seem to be centered around this idea.

For so many long and lost years, I didn't even know if I had a self.  Wondered and scrambled to find one.  Settled for "copying others" in situations until I could find it. 

Then I checked myself into the hospital on that sad Thanksgiving day.  And there in that cel of a hospital room, I found my self.  She was little and weak but by George, she WAS there.  I determined from that point on to NEVER lose contact.  To never orient myself to anything but that feeling in my center.  (Wonder if this is what Ami frequently refers to as the "core")  So, then I started this quest to heal the pain on the one hand,  and on the other to learn to listen to my "self".  Today I want to talk to that side of things.  Not pain from what someone did to me.  But the uncovering of the self that I thought I lost. 

I remember one day coming to the realization that I was a FRAUD!  I had been pretending for so long.  Trying to be something of worth, or something worthy of love, admiration, or value.  Trying anything under the sun to get my needs met. And failing, I should add.  I was lying to myself and to the world.  Pretending I was alright.  that my world was alright.  LYING LYING LYING.  Trying so hard to convince myself.  Well, I am done with that.  Done.

Now , I am trying to listen.  Trying gain courage and confidence to act in my most authentic ways.  Trying to battle the fear that someone won't like it or withdraw their love.  (which is ironic, because I don't have that many close people to lose).  I guess I just want to say that I, Mof4, am here.  All of me standing here whole.  ME, with all of my pain and imperfections and deficits.....and....with all of my cool stuff too.  I am here. 

I am trying to decide to trust myself.  To be ok with mistakes or missteps.  To be ok with failure in the practicing (IE. missing the target everytime a shoot).  I am trying to decide to hope.  Hope that others will like me.  Hope that others will appreciate my value.  Not because they need my approval and therefore buy it from me with nice comments.  But with hands of true support and friendship.    I don't want to fear being myself anymore or feel that I need to add something to myself to appear "more" than what I am.  (like the "right" house or car or outfit or activity.)  Not needing the "competitive edge".  Just being.  Breathing in and out.  Living and loving each day with the circumstances as they may be also.  Like the lillies of the field.  They don't spin.

I just want to be me.  The person who likes musicals, drama class, and art.  The one who tries and tries and never gives up.  The one who does the voices when reading story books and the one who wants to be alone sometimes.  The one who sings in the shower and while I fold laundry.  The one who couldn't give up chocolate if life or limb was threatened.  I am here.  Not wanting to fear anymore.  No excuses or explanations.  Just here. 

[isittoolate]

Hi MOF

 But the uncovering of the self that I thought I lost. 

I remember one day coming to the realization that I was a FRAUD!  I had been pretending for so long.

That is me now. I just haven't worded it so succinctly. I'm at a loss as to my centre, my core, or as my therpist says, I am disconnected from my feelings--

Do you see these as the same? I have said to my Th.  that I am a phony, living in this world as though I am normal. I know the feelings in my mind, but they are not connecting with my centre.

love
Izzy

[sally]

I think it takes work to 1st identitfy ones' feelings and then to feel the feelings.  For me, it was like going to the gym and repeating a workout.  I had to do these exercises several times.

Now, I can id my feelings, although it can take awhile and then I can feel them.  But I do this consciously, it's not always automatic.

I think that ACONS have this problem because NPs did not allow us to feel our feelings while growing up.  This is a huge subject that John Bradshaw addresses.

Love,
Sally

[Ami]

[feeling in my center.  (Wonder if this is what Ami frequently refers to as the "core")  So, then I started this quest to heal the pain on the one hand,  and on the other to learn to listen to my "self". 





YES                                                                                    Love   Ami

[motheroffour]

Hi Izzy,

I am not sure I know.  I am not sure I equate "not having a core" with "being disconnected to my feelings".  I read your posts and what little I can see of you tells me that you know your core.  You seem fairly well aquainted with her.  I think being disconnected from feelings is something different.  Maybe (I am guessing) not wanting the feel those oh so painful things.  Putting them away for a stronger day.  Maybe even a little bit of denial.  I think you are centered.  At least you feel that way to me.  It is that groundedness that draws me to your posts.  Maybe you don't need your emotions like you used to.  Maybe you handle things better with your intellect.  Maybe that is a talent.  Maybe you need to listen to your emotions more.  Maybe you need to not be so afraid of them because you know that after you hear their message you can let them go.  They won't hold you prisoner or punish you.  

I think all the parts of us that are "Fraudulent" are the ones that we superimpose on ourselves to prove to ourselves and others that we are good.  So much of our lives have told us that we are bad or defective or lacking and we lie to ourselves and tell ourselves that if I do "this"  or pretend that  I am "that" then we will believe and others will believe that we are good.  I think that it is all part of the lie.  The lie in the first place that we were defective and the lie that now we have to race to make up for that.  

I guess the challenge for me has been to debunk the lies.  And finally find the acceptance of myself, of what happened, of how it changed me, and who I really am now.  Not run like a chicken with me head cut off to prove some made up truth to everybody and panicking when it doesn't meet my real needs.

What do you think makes you a fraud?  Do you feel like I do?  Or is it something different for you.  

"...Living in this world as though I am normal..."

This makes me wonder if that is a core belief for you.  That you are not normal and that you are faking it so no one with know.

All I have to say to that, is that maybe you are normal.  VERY NORMAL.  Maybe everything you feel and think and are is absolutely normal for your circumstance and experience.   No defectiveness there at ALL!  Just a stupid lie somebody told once.  

Oh Izzy.  Maybe I am hitting it and maybe not.  If yes, then good.  If no, then here is a HUG!

--mof4

[isittoolate]

I think it takes work to 1st identitfy ones' feelings and then to feel the feelings.  For me, it was like going to the gym and repeating a workout.  I had to do these exercises several times.
Now, I can id my feelings, although it can take awhile and then I can feel them.  But I do this consciously, it's not always automatic.Love,
Sally

This is very good Sally. It is what my therapist is alluding to but you have said it better.

Wonderful! Great comparison and since I have so few people in my life, I have so little chance to exercise my emotions.

Love
Izzy

[motheroffour]

Izzy,

It is your T's oppinion that if you do listen to your feelings that you will find your core again? 

mof4

[isittoolate]

Hi MOF

I love your post. I think you are very very close to identifying me, if not dead on.

Maybe not wanting those painful feelings, or like Sally's post, my response that I don't have the chance to exercise them.

I never cried at my parents' deaths. Crying just wasn't there. That seems cold? to maybe my siblings, but..... maybe I'm not as phony as I thought.  Therapist doesn't think so, and I do feel those chest and tummy thumps when certain occasions arise, and when she has me recall things, liike lying on the roadside with a broken back and bleeding all over.

Perhaps it is the life I have led, accepted, that makes me wonder what would make me cry, what would make me 'jump for joy' and I come up with nothing. I appear to be content as I am. BUT, should something unexpected arise, I will find out.......?

I am normal! You are hitting it, mof My therapist, I see, is 'exercising' my emotions that are stored away that I don't need to use, after all these years. (again from Sally's post)

I see your next post--yes she is trying to "introduce us" to each other-- and has a feeling that the car crash was a defining point in my life--and I know what I did. No one 'acknowledged' the severity of what happened, talked all around it, and I had no counselling, so I 'entertained' my visitors and did so with jokes and things, but never cried or complained in front of anybody--meanwhile my little girl was out in the world without me--and I hurt for both of us-- and was helpless in the hospital for a year.

I see the therapist today.

Thanks loads You have great insight, just from my posts.

Love
Izzy

[isittoolate]

something sort of separate--
A school mate of my daughter's, after she was married to the N, dived into his pool and broke his neck. Tony was in a Toronto hospital and when my daughter was going to see him, she called and asked me about the 'etiquette' of visiting him.

I told her to NOT ignore the severity of his accident. To ask about his feelings, now! Did he know, yet, what lay ahead for him. and talk about other things, and then when leaving , to NOT tell him she would be back, if she had no intention of returning as a regular visitor.

Izzy

[motheroffour]

I am listening to you talk about the not crying stuff.  I am embarrassed to say that instead of just "not crying" I am afraid I create the tears so no one will know that I am just not crying.  Fearing that they will think I am not sensitive or loving enough.  Cuz, as we all know, crying is the ONLY way to show we care.    You are refreshing.  Honest.  What could be more true? Perfect responses is just not important in times like the funeral.   Hard to accept ourselves when we appear so different from others.  At least it is for me.

I am in awe at your strength.  You have been through so much with mind and body.  Been literally through the war--a private and sometimes silent war!  Hearing you describe the aloneness of your accident and the times after that.  Huge! And so you entertained the visitors.  You took care of everyone else.  What strength!!!  What caring inside of you, albeit worn on the "inside".  Sounds like you decided at some point to take care of yourself too.  It seems as though your suffering, the length and the breadth, has somehow expanded your soul -- your core.  It really is beautiful.  And now you know how to help others. That kind of knowing that you can't get from anything but experience.  There is a song by John Mayer.  One line says "I am bigger than my body gives me credit for."  You are certainly bigger than your body. I am honored to know you.

--mof4

ps.  thanks for answering my post.  It means more than you know.

[isittoolate]

wow MOF

All that for me?  All that IS me?

Boy! I sound great and I never knew it! I just got lost along the way and perhaps dwelt on THAT too much!

I've noticed that most people see me as 'strong'. I expect when there is a big issue at hand, I set aside everything not relevant and deal with the big issue. Perhaps I don't return to other issues and "introduce them" as another part of my life. I've often thought my life has been lived in bits and pieces!

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM????

xx
Uzzy

[motheroffour]

You look good now.  Wonder what it will look like with all of the peices integrated....... Most likely a masterpiece.

I must go now. But I thank you for taking just a moment to talk with me today.  I am better for it.

Chow.

--mof4

[sally]

the car crash was a defining point in my life--and I know what I did. No one 'acknowledged' the severity of what happened, talked all around it, and I had no counselling, so I 'entertained' my visitors and did so with jokes and things, but never cried or complained in front of anybody--meanwhile my little girl was out in the world without me--and I hurt for both of us-- and was helpless in the hospital for a year.

Dear Izzy,

I think this is 100% correct. 

I think the crash was a defining point, PLUS the fact that you never received counseling  re: the crash and your injuries, PLUS the fact that you "entertained"people instead of "complaining". "complaining", I assume means speaking truthfully about your FEELINGS about the crash and your injuries, SPEAKING,  VOICING your fear, sadness, pain, regret, disappointment, etc.  And, since you didn't "complain" (Express) these feelings, NO ONE VALIDATED YOUR FEELINGS, so you shoved your feelings down and IGNORED and BURIED your feelings. 

Nobody VALIDATED the severity of what happened, talked all around it and you received no counseling, so you were kinda gaslighted into believing that your feelings about the crash and your injuries weren't "important", you would sound like you were "complaining", so why even bother to IDENTIFY the feelings, or FEEL the feelings or EXPRESS the feelings?  Who would listen?

I think it might be really helpful for you to work with your therapist by "revisiting" the feelings that you felt about the crash and your injury, especiually, I assume, your disappointment and anger at not receiving sufficient emotion help, not feeling validated  and about your daughter's fate during your recovery .  I think the crash and the aftermath  of your injury is like the 900 pound gorilla sitting in the room of your mind and self, but is not being acknowledged.

meanwhile my little girl was out in the world without me--and I hurt for both of us-- and was helpless in the hospital for a year.  Izzy, I think that this is huge and it could be helpful to revisit how you felt about this at the time and process the emotions.

Izzy, I apologize if I am being too forward with my suggestion, but it sounds like you never emotionally processed the crash,  your injury and the aftermath, especially how it affected your daughter.

About not crying at funeral:  I've done this (not cried) and I've seen other not cry at funerals.  I, personally, don't judge someone on this.  We never know why someone doesn't cry at a funeral (or any where else for that matter).  Maybe someone is afraid of letting go of their emotions in public, there's many reasons why people don't cry.  Crying is so personal and we can't get into other people's heads.

Love,
Sally

[isittoolate]

Thank MOf

I am much better for it too and on therapy day, yet!

Izzy

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[sally]

Dear MOF,

I am sorry I used your thread to speak to Izzy so much.

But, I want to give you a hug for that Thanksgiving day when you checked yourself into the hospital.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((MOF)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry at how horrible you must have felt to do this BUT, you found your SELF in the cell there and you have never lost her again and that is WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess the challenge for me has been to debunk the lies.  And finally find the acceptance of myself, of what happened, of how it changed me, and who I really am now.  Not run like a chicken with me head cut off to prove some made up truth to everybody and panicking when it doesn't meet my real needs.

MOF, this is GOLD.  If we can all go thru life living according to these words, I think our lives have meaning and we can find happiness.

Love,
Sally