Wanting to give up after minor? incident with N

[Certain Hope]

Certain Hope,
You resonate with what happened to me. BUT you say that you don't think your H is N "anymore". What happened? Why don't you think so? Do you think he improved, or do you think he wasn't in the first place? This is a VERY interesting topic for me - please do post more when you can. Being back with my H - I have alot of fear about the future. So sorry you had to deal with the stormy weather of the day and the stormy moods of your "n"?

Hi Dandylife,

Different husband  !!! ! !! !  Ex was most definitely, beyond any shadow of a doubt, NPD + who knows what else.

I remarried shortly after that fiasco and now am busily trying to learn what "normal" looks like... lol    but I do feel that this is it!

I'm sorry, I don't really know your history... you are back with your NPD husband after a separation/divorce, I take it.
I was able to get ex out of our home once... when he'd kicked a hole clean through our bedroom door. At the time, I thought that he was borderline personality disordered and quickly felt sorry for him (and myself) and fetched him back home. Needless to say, that did not go well.
His behavior did improve for about 6 months, but then rapidly declined into increasingly bizarre and disturbing incidents. When the sadistic aspects of his mentality became more obvious, I knew that we were dealing more than bpd. Once he realized that I was reading and learning about NPD, his mask was off and that was the end of all pretense. He was downright nasty, wouldn't leave, and finally threatened me with a knife.
I hope that you don't have any reason to fear that sort of violence... but I also know that the emotional and mental abuse leave scars, as well.
(((((((Dandylife))))))) be safe.

With love,
Hope

[dandylife]

Certain Hope,
OH! I get it. I applaud you for your bravery. For all you went through with your ex and beyond.

How did you get the courage to jump in to a new relationship so fast? And how do you compare your H and your ex-H? Or do you? 

Sounds like things are going pretty swimmingly for you. I'm happy about that.

What did you change about yourself in your new relationship? What are YOU doing differently? to get along better/make the relationship smooth, etc.?

Sorry for prying, it's just so interesting when a healthy relationship replaces a dysfuntional one. I want to know what you did right!

Dandylife

[Certain Hope]

Certain Hope,
OH! I get it. I applaud you for your bravery. For all you went through with your ex and beyond.

How did you get the courage to jump in to a new relationship so fast? And how do you compare your H and your ex-H? Or do you? 

Sounds like things are going pretty swimmingly for you. I'm happy about that.

What did you change about yourself in your new relationship? What are YOU doing differently? to get along better/make the relationship smooth, etc.?

Sorry for prying, it's just so interesting when a healthy relationship replaces a dysfuntional one. I want to know what you did right!

Dandylife

Oh, my...  thank you, Dandylife... but I'm not sure it was courage.

The short of it is -  I obeyed what I believed God was leading me to do. It made no sense whatsoever, but He said it was right.
I'm still sure of it, despite numerous challenges.

I'm sorry, but could I have a raincheck on the rest of this please, Dandylife?  I'd love to talk about it with you, but want to be sure that I'm feeling what I'm saying and not just "reporting" (if that makes sense).  Realized lately that I've done alot more reporting than living... residue from existing in survival mode for so long. Truly, I wouldn't know where to begin.. and I can feel myself trying to slip back into that old habit. Thank you!

Love,
Hope

[Ami]

Dear Dandy,
   I love your "signature".
   I have been thinking about your situation and mine.There are certain givens---Our H's are N's or N(ish).
    We have children with them.We have our own limitations from our upbringings.
    We are not going to make "perfection " out of this.
   I am looking at myself and coming to the conclusion that I have to put my dignity -first. This decision makes me stand up for what I think is right. There are certain "hills" that I must die on. If my H leaves--- he leaves. If I lose someone ,I lose someone.
   In the end, I have to face myself and have respect for myself.
    In questionable situations, I have to use my gut, there are many answers to the same question. I might as well trust myself and rise and fall on my own decision ,rather than someone else's
   I feel better for having made some simple decisions.
 Thanks for the sweet things you said to me. i am trained as a counselor-- but I will never practice until I am "whole' enough to have something to offer others.                     Love  Ami

   

[lighter]

This was everyday life with my NH.  On the boys first vistation after our separation, he forced his sons to watch a movie that they had an aversion to.  And he had to use physical force to make them.

CB

Good Lord.  Talk about setting the stage for how the whole divorce separation thing was gonna go for your children.  Blech!

[dandylife]

Hope,
No problem - the door (internet portal) is always open! Thanks for sharing so much already.

Ami,
We do have many things in common, I think. The biggest one - in my opinion being how long we lived with a "shroud" over us. That's how I feel about my first 17 years of marriage, anyway. Now I feel like it's been taken off my eyes. The gag taken out of my mouth and now I can speak my truth. I do think you share alot of deep insights and could help alot of others.

It's important to feel comfortable in your own home and environment, I think. If you have no hope of that, then I think you need to take control and make your situation tolerable. But it sounds as if you may be able to cope with your  H. Hope so.

Dandylife

[lighter]

Hope,
No problem - the door (internet portal) is always open! Thanks for sharing so much already.

Dandylife

Yes, I want to hear more about Hope's journey too.  She's been places I'm heading.  So nice to have her here.   

[Certain Hope]

Hope,
No problem - the door (internet portal) is always open! Thanks for sharing so much already.

Dandylife

Yes, I want to hear more about Hope's journey too.  She's been places I'm heading.  So nice to have her here.   

Oh, thank you so much, Dandylife and Lighter... I am excited! It's great to be able to look forward... to sharing with you both.

I have to use caution not to dive too deeply in shallow water and my little emotional pool does seem to get easily exhausted, but I'll get to it!
Hope you both have a peaceful night.

With love,
Hope

[dandylife]

CB,
It's amazing how abusive people use the same arsenal of tricks. And abused families end up with the same "atmosphere". I guess that can be considered the road to....educating ourselves? Improvement? Excising the bad behavior? Or our route out...

Thanks for the reminder to stay vigilant! I know it's important. Once those "roads" are laid down in an abuser's brain, I'm sure it's easy for them to go back to those behaviors, even by default.

I'm actually quite heartened by your statement that your 17 yr old hasn't seen his dad since that incident. Good for him! (((((CB's son)))))) and I feel very badly for your other son who is building up big coping mechanisms (((((((CB's other son)))))))). I'm sure they get lots of love from Mom to make up - you seem a magnificent mother.

Dandylife

[lighter]

Lighter,

Yes, the upshot of that first visitation is that my 17 year old was so furious with his dad that the psych doctor, and all attorneys, recommended that NH not exercise his visitation option unless his son wanted to.  However, NH never apologized for his behavior so it has become a complete abandonment.  NH and son have had no contact since that day and my son does not plan on having any.  His last contact with his dad was of his dad shoving him into a wall.  Ever so often he gets a postcard from NH "wishing they could be close".   

CB:

I don't understand why they didn't uphold that decision for both your sons.  They allowed the 17 yo to forego visitation bc he was angry.... not bc N was unstable and violent and not to be trusted with children? 

Makes no sense at all. 

I don't quite understand it, really.

((CB and sons))