Author Topic: Need Advice Again  (Read 8368 times)

isittoolate

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #45 on: July 25, 2007, 12:56:12 PM »
That was great Sela

I loved it! We need humour.

Congrats Tay on the promotion and raise. That is always a boost to self.! You deserve it!

and Lighter,

I was playing that game last night emailed Daughter, then to bed and had response from her this a.m. We are in separate time zones. 3 hours diff.

Yes that was a sacrifice on her part to suspend child support payments. She must have known how long my garnishment would drag on, as she still has one child left under 18/16 whatever the rule is. He is 15. I would still be awaiting payments.

Love to all
Izzy

Sela

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #46 on: July 26, 2007, 12:32:50 AM »
I like you too Lighter!

Glad you laughed Deb and you appreciate the humour Izzy.

How was today Tayana? 

Sela

changing

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #47 on: July 26, 2007, 01:07:55 AM »
Hello!

Sela, you made my day! I ha d wonderful laughing fit that justgrew more and more raucous as I continued reading your post!
 
Tayana! I am so proud and happy for you! You are really enjoying a full life now, and thriving!

Hugs,

Changing 

lighter

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #48 on: July 26, 2007, 03:41:50 AM »
Izzy:  I always pictured your daughter as very angry at you, mesmerized by her N to the point of being blind. 

I know she does have anger but, what she did seemed so touching. 

Like she was extending a hand and sacraficing something she didn't have to sacrafice, bc she felt responsibilty for what happened between you.... TO you. 

Keep playing those games and enjoying them with her.  ((Izzy and daughter))  You both seem to be finding your voices: )

I'm going to go get some fresh berries and cream.  I woke up around 2am and can't go back to sleep.  Grrrr.

 






tayana

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #49 on: July 26, 2007, 12:18:48 PM »
Thanks for all of the congrats.  I still don't know details yet.  This morning I learned that details would be forthcoming September timeframe.  I work for a government agency so things don't move exceptionally fast.

Sela, I loved your post.  I think I'll trade my dog for a goat . . . I drove by my house this morning and he was yapping.  I've been recording him, and it seems he yaps for a few minutes then settles down, but this morning was kind of odd, so he may have been yapping for three hours.  I'll know when I get home for lunch.

Well, my mother just called me at work and ragged me out over how I wash my clothes because one of M's shirts shrunk.  One of them, he'd never worn.  And then she ragged me out because I haven't been able to get anywhere to buy him new shorts and his are too little.  I only have so many hours in the day, and I can't just drop everything to go buy shorts.  As for the shirts shrinking, the one shirt hadn't even been worn.  I only put them in the dryer for a few minutes, and the one shirt he wore was too little to begin with.  I don't care anymore.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

tayana

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #50 on: July 26, 2007, 12:20:33 PM »
Oh, I forgot, in that moment of getting yelled at for how I do my laundry . . .

Hops, I'm not telling my mom about the days off.  I told my brother he didn't know anything about it.  I'm not going to tell M either, just go about the day as if it's normal.  Just so I can go home and do some things.  I might call in and check my messages here at work, but I doubt my mom will call.  She only calls when she wants to rag on me.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

Sela

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #51 on: July 26, 2007, 06:41:05 PM »
HIya Tayana,

Glad you loved the post.  I have to say......it sounds funny and it is funny but I was half....no three quarters serious!!  :shock:

Your mother calls you at work.  To rag on you.  :shock:

Please think about this......when little sweet M grows up and is an adult....a man......and has an office he works at....can you see yourself calling him at work to rag him out about anything?  :shock:




Your mother does not act like a normal human being.  She's like a two year old having mini tantrums and must have....demands issues be addressed....when she wants them to be....no matter what you or anyone else is doing.  She phones.  She rags.   She gets her supply.

You give her what she wants.  :|


((((((((((((sorry Tayana)))))))))))

Why do you explain a dang thing about the way you do laundry or anything else?
Why don't you ask her if she realizes that you're at work and you're busy?
Why don't you tell her you do not want her calling you at work any more, unless it's a dire emergency?
Why are you letting her behave like a spoiled brat?

She's an adult.
She can wait until you get home.
She won't die of a single thing until then, if she has to wait to address these issues.

When she calls: for example say:

"I'm at work and I'm busy.  I won't discuss this issue now.  Call me at home later please."

And hang up.

 :shock: :shock: :shock:

These are issues, which have absolutely nothing to do with her and are totally NOT her business.
These are issues, which she does not deserve answers to.
And she is interfering in your life by calling at work, possibly disturbing more than just you.


Once and if she does call you at home, instead of giving her the answers she is demanding about stuff that is none of her business why not say something like:



"This is not your concern.  I am dealing with it.  How was your day?"

And if she refuses to carry on an adult conversation without criticizing and picking and belittling you......

Say:  "Ya know what?  I gotta go.  The pot is boiling.  Talk to you later."

And hang up!!


 :shock: :shock: :shock:

She will not die, Tayana.  And she will learn to behave reasonably or she will  not have any conversations with you at all.  That will be HER choice.  You can be pleasant.  You can be friendly and happy to hear from her....but the minute she starts to rag........


.......is the minute you need to end it. :!:

Give her an opportunity to correct herself or don't talk.  Hang up and just go do whatever you have to do that does not involve in giving her the supply she is demanding of you.  It's just not healthy.  You will be surprised at how much more energy you have, once you stop letting her drain you on a daily basis.  8)


Seriously, she's like a vampire.  I hope you will believe I'm trying to help (not putting you down in any way......just giving you questions to ask yourself and think about.  No need to answer a single thing to me!)

Sela

isittoolate

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #52 on: July 26, 2007, 07:54:07 PM »
Izzy:  I always pictured your daughter as very angry at you, mesmerized by her N to the point of being blind. 
I know she does have anger but, what she did seemed so touching. 
Like she was extending a hand and sacraficing something she didn't have to sacrafice, bc she felt responsibilty for what happened between you.... TO you. 

Keep playing those games and enjoying them with her.  ((Izzy and daughter))  You both seem to be finding your voices: )
I'm going to go get some fresh berries and cream.  I woke up around 2am and can't go back to sleep.  Grrrr.

Hi Lighter,

mesmerized by her N?
  Do you mean as in starry-eyed love?

I think if the truth be known, she was a sweet innocent sucked in by an N father figure, whom she thought was rich, and was into Charles and Princess Diana at the same I don't think she ever loved him, really, from actions/body language, but she did tell me she stopped loving him the day their first child was born...or.....brought home from hospital so that's.... meet in 1983, marry 1984, have baby 1986, leave 1994, divorce 1996 and the hardest thng to admit, which hasn't yet happened is that I asked her to please NOT marry him.

I think her anger shifts around at me, at N, at her first born...living with N and becoming N-ish

When I think of her, I have promised myself to say "My daughter and I can exchange pleasant emails". it works. i don't have negative thoughts and am telling her story as though i read it somewhere.

She and her 18 year old daughter appear to get on. I would say she is like her mother, as in beautiful and smart, very smart, academically anyway!  

I thought it was a wonderful thing she did but never admitted for me--she said she was making too much money re Income Tax and had to lower her income. I don't believe that.

She knew I wouild need money in my old age, hobble hobble :mrgreen:

love
Izzy





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tayana

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #53 on: July 28, 2007, 11:31:04 PM »
Sela,

Sorry, I have been enjoying two whole days of no nmom.  I even got a bunch of boxes unpacked tonight.  I washed the down blankets I didn't dare wash in my mother's precious washer.  She had the nerve to complain about my dog shedding and getting hair in her washer too.  He's a dog.  Part of owning a dog is dealing with things like that.  Well she doesn't have to worry now.  The dog doesn't live with her anymore. 

I wanted to reply to your post.  I am working on  the phone thing, mostly I am curtailing my need to call her.  It's a baby step I know, but I seem to do better with baby steps.  I didn't call her at all Friday.  I talked to her for about five minutes when I picked my son up.  That was all the contact I had that day.  I did call today to tell her I would not be going out to her house tomorrow.  I simply explained that I wanted to stay home and work.  She wasn't happy.  I could tell, but I don't really care.  My conversation was short, consisted of telling her about the Harry Potter movie, the baseball game and the weather.

My next step is to put an end to the critical calls at work.  I have never liked her calling me at work, and she takes a great deal of pleasure in calling.  She used to call me several times a day, but moving seems to have changed that.  I am not upset by the change.

Tomorrow, I'm going to spend a blissful n-free day, shopping and putting things away.  I told my son we may just unpack every box still in the living room, just so I can find the book I was reading when we moved.

Thanks for your post, Sela.  I'm getting there, slowly, but surely.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

lighter

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #54 on: July 29, 2007, 10:11:59 AM »
Izzy:  I always pictured your daughter as very angry at you, mesmerized by her N to the point of being blind. 
I know she does have anger but, what she did seemed so touching. 
Like she was extending a hand and sacraficing something she didn't have to sacrafice, bc she felt responsibilty for what happened between you.... TO you. 

Keep playing those games and enjoying them with her.  ((Izzy and daughter))  You both seem to be finding your voices: )
I'm going to go get some fresh berries and cream.  I woke up around 2am and can't go back to sleep.  Grrrr.

Hi Lighter,

mesmerized by her N?
  Do you mean as in starry-eyed love?

Good Lord no, lol.  I meant mesmerized in the way that she's been taken in by an N and accepts his reality bc it means less abuse and pain..... but not really. 

I'm sure her anger goes around and around to you and N and her oldest child... that makes sense.  Lots to deal with. 

You keep showing her how to overcome, Izzy.  That'll go a long way in helping her.  Loved your post; ) 

Hopalong

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #55 on: July 29, 2007, 12:44:51 PM »
Hi, Izz...
I think it will be very big for you when you really, truly, finally experience the release of your need for your D to say to you: "You were right. You told me so."

Hi Tayana...
So excited to hear about your healthier days. You're doing great.
I was going to say that Sela's amazing post reminded me I had to literally "re-train" my mother than I wouldn't jump to the phone or stay on the phone. It was amazing. It works. Most of all, I re-trained myself out of the need. I face her need for talk and constant "plucking" as real, as insatiable, and I turn away without hating myself any more.

love
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

isittoolate

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #56 on: July 29, 2007, 05:42:25 PM »
Hi lighter and hops,

I've pretty well reached the point that I do NOT want any more talk about her N, just as I don't talk about mine....both long gone.

Now that she told me when she stopped loving him, I can really put that relationship into perspective, even if she didn't love him at the start. The start is where I, lighter, would use the word mesmerized...taken in/hypnotized with that initial charm, the thought that he was rich, snagging an older man, whatever things that attracted her to him.  After all, it happened to me and I can see how it happens.

So from what she says, it took only 3 years for her to face reality, '83-'86. I saw them together and her alone from '86-'91 and nothing made sense as to why she stayed. Now that I know about N-ism I can see how she was abused, isolated and trapped. I couldn't put a name to this back then.

Therapy is good for me.

Love
Izzy

lighter

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Re: Need Advice Again
« Reply #57 on: July 29, 2007, 05:52:59 PM »
Izzy....


Gotta love the therapy; )