Though about "hijacking" threads...this is for ME ME MEEEEEEE!

[reallyME]

This morning, I've been sitting here, thinking about why someone might become rather irate at having their thread "hijacked" on here.  I've watched a lot of threads change topic and totally be diverted from the purpose of the original author, as well as seeing many people apologize for having "hijacked" a thread...but, WHY does it bug us?  Just my own thought here.

When one of us start a thread, it's our way of saying "hey, listen to MY thoughts about something and give me your comments.  It's like, in reality, we've just walked up to someone and begun a conversation.

What seems to happen is, our conversation links to another person's thoughts, and, before we know it, the topic is nothing like what we started talking about.  Now, in reality, what this feels like, is that we were talking to the person we began a conversation with, and suddenly, another person and another person come along, begin talking among themselves, and finally, they all walk away with the person we were talking to originally; without US!

I'm wondering if this has ever happened to you in real life?  I have witnessed this thing on children's programs, like Hanna Montana, Boy Meets World, etc...one person talks to another, a crowd of friends comes and whisks that other person away, changing the topic and leaving YOU, the one who even dared to step out and talk to that person...ALONE.  It is an AWFUL feeling.

Let me know if my insight hits home at all...then, maybe a lot of us will understand WHY people get upset if their threads are hijacked or they become eventually IGNORED, if they were the person who started talking in the first place!

Similar to this:

When X used me to get info on her next supply person, told me about how that supply was now on her way to visit with her, was so much more suited to her as a friend than I was, and then, refused to talk to me about what they were doing together to have fun or whatever(because she didn't want to "hurt" me)...I felt replaced, despised, and "ditched."

~Laura

[debkor]

Laura,


You were.  I'm sorry. She is very mean with her actions and words.  I know it's hard to take it personal because it personally hurt you. 

Did she ever have long-term friends?  I mean good friends that are still around that you met through her?  I know my friends; friends are long out of the picture.  Those friends she had been a friend with for 15 years before she found new ones are gone poof.  They were very good to her and she devalued them.  I did not like this about her and kind of knew this about her that is why it's not too bad (hurtful) to me not to be friends anymore.  My number was up. 

She had friends got married changed friends
She got divorced changed the friends she has.
She is dating and has new friends (bar) friends because she goes out now
She comes back to some old friends (6months later) to say it's her birthday and her husband won't watch her kids.
She needs a babysitter.
Nobody does
Now some of them were the ones she devalued.
Yet she will try again on the next time she needs something.
Maybe another 6 months.

I did notice that there are only certain people she will contact though.  These are the people who will do things (unaware) they are being used.  And she knows this.

BE GLAD she ditched you.

I know it hurts terribly and you think of the good/fun times you had.

But how did she treat other people?  Were there things you didn't like about her beyond treating you poorly?
There was really nothing that I should have liked about my friend.  I know how she spoke and treated others and it was disgusting. Never to their face though and would not take a confrontation. She would screen her calls and not answer.  The thing that I never understood is that she would walk into where these people worked never feel one ounce of uncomfortable and ignore them like they were dead.
I know she will with me. Does your friend do this to you?
I have not run into her yet but I know I would be uncomfortable just because it's awkward. This is something they don't feel. They are a strange breed aren't they?
Sometimes people didn't even know what they did which was nothing.  Just not enough supply.


They are chameleons changing their colors to their environment.

Oh I think I may just have hijacked.

But no hijacking does not bother me because I think it's not meant and the conversation gets all over the place just from one word that may hit home for another person.  Like it did me.

Deb

   

[reallyME]

But how did she treat other people?

X treated other people like her students basically, since she was a minister.  She was there to teach them, to have the answers for them.  This was how she was raised as a minister's child.  She always had to have the answers and move people toward the direction she believed God wanted them to go.

Family, was different...her mother was treated like a queen...she walked into a room and everyone stopped what they were doing and all eyes turned to her.  Her father was resented because I think he saw through the dysfunction and backed out of it for the most part.  Her sister was someone she felt she should take care of and "mother"...her children...one was favored, the other despised...her husband, treated good when he gave her what she whined for and ignored and shunned when he didn't.  Me, she treated good for about 4 months...told me I was the best friend she never had and we'd be together and travel the globe ministering, until I started questioning the odd behaviors I saw...then I was a "marked man" and it went downhill from there.

  Were there things you didn't like about her beyond treating you poorly?

Yes.  I noticed when we'd chat in text online, that she would let me type on and on, only responding when I mentioned something regarding HER.  I used to HATE that.

I didn't like the way she treated one of her children.

I didn't like how she grabbed my former best friend to gang up on me and discuss all the things that were wrong with me...although, I have to admit that I agreed to let them address my "issues" at the time, because I believed they really wanted to help me improve myself.

The thing that I never understood is that she would walk into where these people worked never feel one ounce of uncomfortable and ignore them like they were dead.

Oh X was really expert at that.  She could dissociate in a heartbeat and act as though you didn't exist in her world.  She'd show attention to others right in front of you, knowing you'd love to be included, and have ZERO remorse.

I know she will with me. Does your friend do this to you?

She doesn't do anything to me anymore...she's out of my life by her own choice.  The only thing she does now, is, if I'm in a chat room online and she pops in or vice versa, she will leave.  She knows I told people what happened on this board and elsewhere, and she can't handle feeling any guilt over it, so she runs.

I wouldn't be uncomfortable around X one iota anymore.  If she started any of her mocking comments about me, I'd speak out and say "Hey! that wasn't nice!"

This is the very reason she no longer talks to me.  She wanted to play "rescuer, mother, punisher" but I caught on and CONFRONTED and PUBLICALLY EXPOSED...so now she just runs away, knowing I'm not clinging to the invisible threads of the past any longer.

[lighter]

I don't mind having a thread of mine hijacked. 

If I'm still in need of advice or communicating about something, then I start a new thread or ask for more input about the OP on that thread. 

The board is a living changing forum.  I don't see new thoughts and directions as poaching.

[bigalspal]

Hi Laura,
I guess I've been guilty of that (Hijacking threads), but it really doesn't bother me if my thread is.
I think it's like you said-people just kinda start talking & loose track.
I'm learning all the time!
Love,
Bigalspal

[WRITE]

WHY people get upset if their threads are hijacked or they become eventually IGNORED, if they were the person who started talking in the first place!

I think it's difficult to follow all the threads Laura, I tend to only have an hour a day on the computer now, and I don't like coming on here if my family are around and watching me type!

If someone posts piles of reference material unless it's a topic I am really interested in I probably won't read it, but I do try to go down the Board and if there's someone's post with no or few replies I'll try to prioritise responding to that, or if it's a new person say welcome.

Hi-jacking suggests taking something totally off-topic, and whilst there are threads now that have been going on for months and longer which have been all over the place, I guess if someone is talking about their experience which is painful then it's kind to try and keep that person in mind at least whilst posting, or go back to their topic after saying what else needs to be said.

It doesn't bother me if someone takes over my thread, I will start another and ask for more attention if I need it!

We choose to be offended and hurt, I said that to someone at church recently who thought they had offended me. I could have taken offence, but I just distanced myself from the conversation, it wasn't appropriate there and at that time. He didn't mean anything by it, he was just thinking out loud really.

My days of flouncing around being upset with people ended a long time ago, I've had so much to deal with I don't have energy to react to everything.

I felt replaced, despised, and "ditched."

and this is the hardest part Laura I think. I heard Maya Angelou a while back and she said 'people forget what you do, what you say, they never forget how you made them feel....'

When we've had a lifetime of difficulty it can be hard for one rejection not to remind us of the others.

Maybe that's why people feel hurt if a thread goes in a different direction.

Are you still working so hard? I thought about you last week when I was thinking how it would be to simultaneously work/ parent and study. How do you get the balance? Are you exhausted?

[reallyME]

WRITE

Actually I'm not working so hard anymore, as I have refused to go back and work at the trailer next to my brother in law's bait shop, since it makes very little money per day.  I told my husband to have at it if he wants, but i'm seeking a REAL job if any.

Secondly, I'm not studying anything.  My husband didn't fill out the tax return info on time, so it looks like I won't be going back to school this semester. BUMMER!

Tomorrow my family and I are heading to Jackson County Fair with our concessions trailer.  This should be a pretty good trip, since my N daughter and her N boyfriend will not be sitting there smooching and acting disgusting and disrespectful of me the entire time.  Just the N daughter will be there, trying to rule over all of us, and, that, I'm pretty used to by now.

Thanks for caring about where I'm at in life, WRITE.

Blessya
Laura

[WRITE]

sorry you didn't get to go this time, hope it's soon. I know you really wanted to go. Me too, it's time.

Have fun at the County Fair, I love American County Fairs!

((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Overcomer]

I do not mind if my thread is hijacked if I get a few good responses first.  In fact I enjoy a little diversion.  What I do not like is when I make a comment in a thread and it goes largely unnoticed.  Sometimes I just want the acknowledgement that I was there like a "sounds bad Kelly and now to you Joe."

[reallyME]

Overcomer,

You just said, in a nutshell, what I was trying to convey.  I like to feel like someone at least acknowledges what the thread was meant to be about, even if the topic is diverted eventually.  It would be nice, if, before someone posted to other people about my thread topic, they at least gave a little comment like, "yeah, Laura, I see what you mean by ________"

[Certain Hope]

Overcomer,

You just said, in a nutshell, what I was trying to convey.  I like to feel like someone at least acknowledges what the thread was meant to be about, even if the topic is diverted eventually.  It would be nice, if, before someone posted to other people about my thread topic, they at least gave a little comment like, "yeah, Laura, I see what you mean by ________"

Thank you for this thread, Laura. And I agree with what you've said above... it would be nice.
For me, with generally not much time to spend here on the board, if I'm reading a post that's #20-something on a thread, I may only respond to that one if it registers something with me... and not get all the way back to the original post. But in general, yeah... it seems right to me that the original poster's concerns should be the focus of the thread, and not the side issues which might develop along the way. Usually, it seems that those side issues do spin off into a new thread, in time, but with so many folks posting - it may take awhile to get that all organized.

But I appreciate this thread because, for me, it's good to stop to "feel" what's behind all the thinking, since that process has so often been stopped short.

To me, hijacking is a deliberate act, like when someone boards a plane and purposefully alters its course (and that of all the passengers aboard). So unless someone has established a pattern of doing that, and unless it feels to me that they're deliberately trying to silence me in order to draw the focus toward themselves, I don't feel any offense.

Here on this board, I enjoy and value the exchange of thoughts and feelings. I think it'd be a great loss to all of us to try to put a stopper in the natural flow and mandate a new thread, for instance, for each new insight which may come to light during the course of a response.

Face to face, I often didn't say anything at all, but always seemed to be an accessory to discussions. I'd be the one nodding and smiling and showing appreciation, never thinking that anything I'd have to say was worthy of much notice. In fact, I'd try to avoid notice.
My voice was always quite soft, so if I did speak up, people often didn't hear... and it was more painful to me to be called upon to repeat myself than to simply remain unnoticed.

With the people in my family, I could be a bit more vocal, but it didn't matter. They are all quite loud and "in your face", so no matter what I might have to say, it was quickly overpowered by their thoughts and views. It's funny, I even learned to pause at about the point where I was so accustomed to being interrupted and over-ridden. With my husband now, I could see what I was doing... because he would "interrupt" (after all, I'd given him a break in discussion just for that purpose... lol) And with him, because I feel safe in doing so and there were things I really wanted to be able to say... I discovered that I don't like being interrupted!    And I said so. And we both tackled that little "problem" together... and I notice now that I can complete alot more sentences without those long pauses. The thoughts are always there, complete... I'd just gotten so used to having them cut short, for a lifetime, I never really expected to be allowed to finish them.

Anyhow, about these threads... no, I don't mind a bit if the topic changes and morphs and takes on a new life. To me, that's what makes it interesting and... educational! But in real life, I've had to learn to project my voice, to not be "talked over", to not stand idly by and let others interrupt incessantly, if that is their habit. Oh, my son (11) is a classic interrupter. He's such a sweetheart, but this is a bad habit he has... and he talks alot!! !! !  Working with him on this, because I'm dealing with someone whom I love so very much, has really helped me to not take offense at it, but see it as just another inclination some folks have - nothing personal (usually) - and it can be overcome.

Hope you have a great time working the fair, Laura. And thanks again for the chance to take a look at this.

With love,
Hope

[on edit - removed duplicate quote]

[lighter]

To me, hijacking is a deliberate act, like when someone boards a plane and purposefully alters its course (and that of all the passengers aboard). So unless someone has established a pattern of doing that, and unless it feels to me that they're deliberately trying to silence me in order to draw the focus toward themselves, I don't feel any offense.

With love,
Hope

[on edit - removed duplicate quote]

Hope:

On another board, I once had one of my Threads outright highjacked, complete with having the thread's name altered.  Ouch.

These things, they happen but...... I've never seen it on this board.

[WRITE]

I didn't know we coul;d edit each other's threads/posts!

Don't mess with mine y'all- too like my ex who once even changed notes in a piece of classical music I was writing, told me it sounded better he thought! He doesn't even read music, and didn't getat all why I was a bit put out.

I wouldn't edit anyone else's writing, and my usual thing is to ignore what I don't like or don't agree with unless it's really important to me, the only thing I think sometimes we could have an unofficial rule about to improve the board is if someone writes something privately it's kept private.

I'm fanatical about keeping confidences!

[motheroffour]

I think we all want to feel some measure that we have been "heard" or perhaps that our thoughts have been received into a trusting and supportive forum. I think the hi-jaking can be a great thing if an individual learns something and is able to articulate that.  I think the "ouch" comes when the original author isn't treated like part of the conversation.  Or if friends start talking about the trivial and fail to include the authors ideas or the author themselves.  Sometimes makes it hard to share something personal, or trust the people to hear you.

On the otherhand, I think that a tough skin is needed in this forum.  We can't see each others faces or expressions like in real life.  And therefore, the potential of hurting someone or misunderstanding is higher.

Overall though, I think we do pretty good job of trying to listen and support the original post.

--mof4

[Hopalong]

I just don't experience hijacking...dont' get it, really.

When I'm in a room with a group of people I like and want to hear about,
the conversation moves from one thing to another.

At times it may be focused intently on one person who has said, as RM has here...
just listen to me and talk about my stuff right now, that is what I need.

(Hi, RM, and I'm listening and thinking about this topic...)

But the rest of the time, it seems to me that human attention naturally
wanders and dips and focuses and waxes and wanes. I think to expect or
demand more is demanding a lot.

That said, I also think it's okay to ask for what you want. Then, let go of the
outcome. Meaning...if you say, I want my original thread topic to never be diverted
from...I don't know if you'll get what you want or not.

I'm afraid an unintended consequence for me would be if I'm afraid someone is
easily offended or will bristle if their thread wanders, I'd be less inclined to participate
in a thread they begin, even if it interests me.

Aha. Just figured out. With the very clear exception of this one    I admit I do
not usually think about a thread I start as MINE, or the same with any other. Once
we're after page 1 of participation, at least, I often don't even remember to "credit"
whoever started it--I'm deep in the experience.

Hope that makes sense,
Laura