Comparing Myself with Others

[Ami]

I am having a wonderful visit with my F. It is beyond any expectations that I could  EVER have had. He "gets it" as well as the dearest friend on the board does. That is a miracle.
    This is what I am upset about. I feel so badly inside about myself. I feel like I always have to be "on". It is a down deep type of thing. I am on hyper alert. My body and mind are on hyper alert for pain, anger or rejection. I was just starting to get rid of this yeast infection and I could feel it coming back tonight b/c I feel so stressed just being "me". I am SO TIRED of being hyper alert and afraid. I am so tired of hating myself. I am so tired of being uncomfortable in my own skin.
   I just need to say these things. I have been making incredible progress, really. I feel much more "real" I don't feel like I have to hold on to myself so I don't go "crazy".
   I guess that as I face  myself and life, this stress and hyper vigilance will go away. Then, I will not get sick over everyday things.I feel like I cannot cope with the smallest thing without getting so,so stressed.
   I just want to be whole and at peace. I guess that I am getting there,but there seem to be so many little baby steps. Maybe, this is how it is when you are coming out of N brainwashing.
   I hope so. I wish that I could go faster,but I can't. It is that simple. I am going inch by inch   
       I feel discouraged with myself b/c I have a mythical 'person" in my mind(given me  by my N mother) who does things well. She feels comfortable with herself. She does not get sick over small stresses. She can cope well. She is centered and can stay centered in life. I am not that person and I feel badly about myself-- all the time b/c I don't measure up. I am a little discouraged.      Love Ami

[bigalspal]

Hi Ami,
Looks like you are feeling just like me.
I feel like a fraud. It's getting better, as I get a chance to be on this board.
I always try to say & do the right things, but I'm never quite sure what that is.
I'm always "on".
Sucks, too. Takes a LOT of energy to keep that script going.
I guess I have to learn who I am.
You are having a major breakthrough. 
Hang in there!
Love,
Bigalspal

[changing]

Hello Ami and Bigalspal!

I can relate to the energy drain that maintaining a facade requires. Sometimes it is less the perpetration of a fraud, and more a survival mechanism. One also wants to support others in a positive way, and not dwell constantly upon one's own battles. That being said, the mask can become less of a protective device and morph into a false identity ( I don't know if you have read Nathaniel Hawthorne's short story about the veil but it is illustrative, somehow, of the traps inherent in going too far in holding one's self and one's true feelings back).
Your honesty and brave self-examination shine through on your posts, and are valuable as a result. I am trying to follow in your footsteps.

Hugs,

Changing

[Bella_French]

I know. Its so hard overcoming all that Ami.

I think its  a great acheivement, just being able to sit back and observe what you are feeling, and really understanding why. I think its normal to do this for a long while before taking any significant action. No need to feel guilty about that. Its just the `perfectionist' talking.

Ami, from the `outside',  I think you are doing well. If you keep striving for honesty, and insight, the actions you take based on these  things will eventually become natural. Right now, i think you you have your hands full with the emotional impact of discovering truth.

Take one day at a time, Hon. I promise you, it will become easier:)

[Ami]

Thanks so much Pal, Changing and Bella,
  I just needed exactly the kind of encouragement that you so graciously gave me.
  Bella, I have had the feeling like I was going to pass out for a month. It left for one day and now it is back. I always think of you and try not to get upset. I have been missing you, Bella. Thanks for  giving  me this encouragement
 Changing--- That was the sweetest thing that you said . It really helps to know that I really am going on a path to healing. I can lose the forest for the trees. I know that it is worth it--- but going through it, you can lose your bearings
  Pal, Thanks for the constant words of love and support. You are a good buddy
   Today, I woke up really woozy. I am really, really seeing that there is no one to take care of me ,but me. This is my core lesson. I gave myself up to my mother to do what she wanted ( or she took me).All I wanted was her love and approval., her vote that  I really see that she is probably just some "old" woman" like my father is just some "old man'. This fantasy was all in my thinking. I was frantically running on the gerbil wheel for nothing. I am in the place that I was very afraid to be--- alone. I am what I was MOST afraid of--- "abandoned"..All the "magical" thinking was not real.My magical thinking was that if I am sick enough ,my mother will magically appear to take care of me.. If other people like me I will have value. I can find some soft place to fall if I am weak enough. Someone  else will take care of me and define me.I can be an appendage of someone else and not be "me".,My value is determined by the outside. My worth depends on others  opinions  . How I look determines my value.                                                                                                                                                               All my running and running on the gerbil wheel was just part of craziness
  This HAS to be a huge step. However, I feel the worst I have ever felt. I feel terrible physically.I am woozy, can't sleep, and sick to my stomach I guess that it must be a sort of shock coming out of denial. It has to be. You store all these"unacceptable" feelings somewhere in your body, I would think. You thought that they were so dangerous that you had to hide them. I guess what I am going through is probably normal for the degree of truth and pain that I am facing. I hope so. . The fact that people understand and are willing to walk beside me enables me to go on       Love  Ami
   

[CB123]

Ami,

I just put a couple of things that I know about you together.  I have been doing some reading about the raw food diet that you suggested and trying to implement some of what I read.  I did notice that there are vitamin deficiencies that you have to watch for--most notably b-vitamins, and several of the sites give strategies for dealing with that and other problems--anemia, etc.  I think I even asked you about ideas in the other thread.

Today, when you wrote again about being woozy for the last month, I had a lightbulb moment.  Have you been checked recently for things like anemia, b-vitamin deficiency?  Those can cause the symptoms you are struggling with, plus others you may not have related together. 

Love
CB

[Overcomer]

Am-I remember the grief and sorrow associated with breaking out of the fascade and finally acknowledging that I had allowed my mom to run my life.  Crying and crying and anger!  I am feeling better about my life now but it takes some time.  FEEL the grief.  Mourn the years between 14 and now.  Resolve to get better but do it in your time.  Do something out of the ordinary like if you always have to have your make up on, go out without it.  Break your mold!  You are loved.  Pray for perfect peace

[JanetLG]

Ami,

You are doing really well - honestly!

You've faced up to so much, it's bound to affect you physically for a while.

Do you use Bach flower remedies? I can't remember which one it is, but there is one that is ideal for dealing with past griefs and family hurt. Does the trick for me when I'm feeling down.

As to the relationship with your Dad - you're at a good point, really. You have the opportunity to start again with him, and build up an *adult* relationship, now, with him. He'll have to treat you as an adult, as two equals. That can make you feel a whole lot better.

You're not alone, even if it feels like it just now. There's us! (Mixed blessing, perhaps, that    )

Janet

[Ami]

Thanks CB  and Kelly,
CB   I will make sure that I check more carefully in to nutritional deficiencies-. -- Thank you for that.
Dear Kelly. thanks for those wise words
Last night , I had this HUGE insight . I was sitting at the kitchen table with my F, two sons and H. All of a sudden , I realized that I do not see life with my own eyes. I have a template  that screens life  for me. I remembered a time when I was about 14 ,on a trip. I felt real and whole. I looked at life--- as it was. I saw people, their faces, their expressions, etc  as they were. I could receive the data  as it was. At that moment at the table, I saw life as "real.".. I thought,"I can see life as it is. I don't need any "theory". For me. studying Psychology got me more away from my own reality. I "took" their theories as "my truth" , and abandoned my truth. I had probably already abandoned it before with my mother,but studying Psychology added to it.Also, for me, therapy gave me an "outside truth"Therapy ,for me, took me more away from my gut.( This is just my voice-)
  I think that these physical symptoms,such as dizziness, is my body readjusting after all these years of denial. I am starting to be able to see without glasses.  My recurrent dream was that I could not see.
My other recurrent dream was that I was abandoned at different places. I am facing that I am alone.
The other thing that I am seeing is that I was trying to navigate life without loving myself. This made me need other people as a "fuel" for life. When, we say "supply" for the N, I realized that I needed supply, too. My life used to consist of me trying to look good, on the outside, so I would get compliments. Then I would feel 'real". Then , I would feel that I had value. I needed those reassurances that I was 'real".Other than when people defined me,I did not feel "real". I have so many clothes, shoes, makeup, pocket books,jewelry etc so that I can look "good" and then I could get compliments and feel 'real" for a short time, at least That is putting my sense of self completely in other people's hands. It is a burden for them and an unworkable solution for me.This reminds me of Lupita's and Steves' threads. Steve is owning his own space -- mind and body. He is living out of his core. Life works when you do it that way
   I started a thread when I first got here about 'Rules for Life-- NPD style. It did not resonate with too many people. However, I am answering my own question,now. I am relearning the rules for life. I am slowly going back and reclaiming what my M stole from me .I think that I am realizing that she could not help it,.. I want to put her in a box where I can keep her and go forward. I really don't think that she could help her thinking process. Vakinin says that the NPD has a punitive Superego and an  Id ,but little Ego. The ego is the sense of self.. The Ego allows us to love ourselves and value ourselves. I am re-living times when I was whole and taking back the parts of me that I abandoned.
  I just have to go through these uncomfortable sensations, I think.                   Love  Ami
 

[Ami]

Dear Janet,
    Thanks for being such a dear friend. I will get Rescue remedy out of the drawer. I feel certain that these physical symptoms are emotional. However,taking more B vitamins and homeopathics will help.What I am going through now--- deep. deep healing-- is what people are supposed to go through in therapy.(IMO) However, I,personally,have not experienced this from any other source ,but the board. I think that one of the key factors is that people understand NPD, here. Many people have healed from it's effects and can help newer people to keep on going.This to me, is true therapy. How could a therapist who never went through this journey help someone else.. I,personally, think that the therapist would be threatened and try to take away the healing from the patient.This is why therapy is not for me(my voice,only)
   I thought of you ,on the board when my F told me this. My mother works for an M.D -who does therapy. He is autistic, I had to shake my head.A shrink who is autistic-- trying to help people deal with their emotions.People are paying thousands of dollars to a person who has completely shut down his emotions.I do not want to start a controversy on therapy. Each person has to find their own way. I am just explaining  My own  "voice" . .                          Love  Ami

[Overcomer]

Ami-My daughter is autistic and see doesnt shut down her emotions.  She cannot express herself verbally-she thinks in pictures.  She is emotional.  However I could never see her as a therapist.

[Ami]

Dear Kelly.
   I am sorry for any offense. I do not know too much about Autism. I think that there are many forms. For example, in" Rainman"-- with Dustin Hoffman   -- he could not deal with emotions., I think.. This shrink  is Autistic-. I am not sure what type of Autism. However, I would think that any type of autism would make him ineffective in therapy--. Do you agree?                          Love  Ami.

[Bella_French]

Hi Ami! I am so sorry to hear how woozy and anxious you've been feeling lately, hon. I do agree with you, in that what you are experiencing is very likely related to growth and facing truths, such as the fact that you, Ami, are an important, valuable & wonderful woman who deserves to have her needs met. (though I totally agree with the advice about taking your B vitamins, from first hand experience)

Ami, selfish people make you feel that you are doing something deeply wrong when you are not totally catering to them. Perhaps some of what you are feeling is `forboding'?
What do you think?

X Bella 

[Hopalong]

Ami,
I don't want to be offensive, so please set me straight if my question is unfounded... It may be painful to be asked this, and if it is, I'm truly sorry.

You mentioned that you have had an eating disorder and since your emotional stress affects you with stomach issues as well as the classic panic symptoms (that I know so well)...I wonder if you're eating enough calories, and a healthful diet?

Dehydration and inadequate protein will make a person feel very woozy and weak, as well as missing vitamins. (I know anxiety does it too, that's why I thought it would be worth trying to rule out inadequate nutrition, so you can be sure about what's the most likely cause.)

If you have both issues going on...anxiety plus malnutrition...that would make it tougher to sort out-- but it can be done. You can have radiant health at all levels. (I think that's inevitable, the rate you're growing.)

hugs
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Hops,
  Thanks for caring. I don't have an eating disorder .. I have a hard time eating . I wish that I could eat more. I am trying to make sure that my nutrition is good during this time with extra B vitamins etc. Thanks so much for your concern. What I am having is that I think I am in  a type of shock-- facing all these things that I could and would not face. I feel like a person who experienced a trauma. I look like that ,too. When I look in the mirror, I have that blank look.
   Today, it started getting better. I think that I went in to an actual numb state at 14.Now,I am learning lessons that I should have learned then.It is a shock for me to face  real life when I have been in a fantasy life --- since 14. It literally is a shock.
    Bella-- You have been there and walked through these feelings--- right? You said that it took about a month to process the truth? Do I have this right?
   The really big thing that I am seeing is that even if you have a good mother-- you still have to find your voice. I thought that if you had a good mother, then you would sail through life lessons easily. I see that you still have to find your individuality. I just stopped growing and maturing at 14. So, I am a stunted person. I have to do what "normal' people do  at an older age. I have to do it ,now ..I am hoping and praying that I can catch up to "normal " people.It is really scary to face life. I guess that everyone must feel this way at some stage. I am probably just delayed.                    Love  Ami.