Alan,
Feeling a bit froggy here, actually... but this too shall pass
Sounds like S is highly motivated and an excellent student... that's very encouraging. And she (and you) have one more year before mid-school, to build up a sense of self - identity, confidence, resistance to peer-pressure and all the rest.
You may like to make regular trips to the library a part of your visitation routine and ask the librarian for assistance re: books that may interest S and present her just the right amount of challenge with reading. Usually the kids test to determine their reading grade level... that info would be helpful to the librarian.
Your description of your time together sounds lovely.. and I can't think of a better outdoor activity for a child and parent than fishin!
It's clear from what you've said that S really valued the time you took in discussion... a kid doesn't give up an hour at the pool for just anything
I am a bit concerned that she may mention something to her mom about the things you've discussed and put N onto red alert... but I feel that's a worthy risk, considering all that you can accomplish through this open talk. My own mind is zooming in so many different directions right now that I struggle to think of other topics which may be of benefit to you both. My youngest daughter hasn't been 10 for 6 years... and all three of my girls have such different personalities, there really is no set formula for action. But I absolutely agree with you about talking from a point of understanding... understanding your daughter and her needs, not focusing on mom and her complications.
Now that S has made the startling observation aloud - that she doesn't feel her mom loves her... do you think it would be good to ask her what she feels are the ways a mom would show love? Let her identify those to herself?
I can see how that may help her to understand that there are most definitely people who cannot, will not meet our needs... but that doesn't mean our needs are wrong or that we are unworthy... you know?
I need to run, but saw you were on Alan and wanted to at least touch base with you. I'm so glad that this is helping... and I'd only caution again that "N" not become a part of your daughter's vocabulary right now.
Take care,
Hope
P.S. on edit... Just wanted to add another thing that's been a great help to each of my children through the years... learning an instrument.
Either in 5th or 6th grade, depending on when the beginning band began where we've lived, each has participated and really benefited from the experience.
If S has an interest, the learning/appreciation of teamwork and discipline/accomplishment of playing an instrument can really bolster a young person and prove to be a wonderful outlet for expression.
