Easier because N parent is deceased???

[Peanut]

I don't know if it is easier for me or not, but it does seem like I have more resolution now that whatever I am able to 'resolve' stays resolved, and that it's more difficult when one has to face ongoing interactions with N, or, alternatively, make the gut-wrenching decision to cut them out of one's life.

Thoughts?

[write]

my mother wasn't narcissistic, but I felt free after she died; I still harboured a lot of fear and reentment which left me when I knew she was finally gone ( and I hadn't even seen her for years- so I guess it was psychological )

Putting distance between myself and other toxic people came easier as I got older.
I still wince at some of the words my family write to me- only I would get the hidden family meanings!

[mrt]

What if your N parents are still alive but you wished they WERE  deceased. How do you handle that emotion? Is that a normal reaction to being fed up with dealing with them? ( I would never ever harm them - but I can't help feeling that I wish they would just go away and give me peace - but just the thought of them passing away is greivious and agonizing. - Why is that? I want them out of my life and I wish they would go away but the reality of that would be very hard to bear. In my heart I want them to see the error of their ways and come to their senses -  but is there hope for them? Is this just a pipe dream? Am I ever going to understand N completely?)  

I imagine that if my N parent were deceased that I would perhaps feel free - but my common sense tells me that I would still "hear them" and know that I will never be totally free.

[Anonymous]

Hi Peanut, how ya goin'. I love the flower, it's so good to watch it budding and blossoming. Cool.

Your question, dunno!!    I spent a bit of time thinking about it, so it was good watching the flower while I was re-reading your question. For me, the difficulty is in getting to the point of resolve, I suppose. Once I'm there I think I'm right. It's easy!!  But man, that can take me a long time and I may have sustained many serious injuries before I do.

If the person would die while I was getting there it would be easier. Well by definition, of course it would be easier. The decision would have been taken for me, by death.

But I can't see how that would help me generally, because I'd still have to learn for myself to develop healthy boundaries with people. Unfortunately not every Narcissist in my life is going to be polite enough to 'go die' when they've crossed the line for the hundredth time, and it comes to that yukky time I've procrastinated about, when I have to deliberate on cutting them out of my life. N's just aren't that giving or considerate to save me this discomfort and 'go die' instead.!! HA HA HA HA.

Hey I might write 'The foundation of a relationship with a Narcissist' list of agreements.

Agreement 'No 1' might read like this. And I wonder if I could get a new N in my life to sign to it

"If and when you have painfully and seriously injured me, be it emotional spiritual physical mental injury, be it deliberately or unintentionally, on the event of the 10th time that you have committed such an act, you shall be taken or go to an appropriate place and die."

Wouldn't that make life so much easier for us, for  everybody.  That'd keep us all on our toes wouldn't it. I wouldn't be signin' it that's for sure.

But then knowing the N's I've known, they wouldn't have signed it, but most likely they'd have got me to sign one instead.   And it would read exactly the same , HAHAHA, sorry, premature laugh that was.

It would read exactly the same, but the twist at the end would be that when they've hurt me for the 10th time, I'm the one who has to  'go die' become I've proven I'm a repeat loser. HAHAHA.  Oh my gosh, isn't that an awful thing to say about myself, I'm outta here.    

Enough stupidity and playing from me, and it's good to hear from you Peanut. I was an interesting thought you posted, and thanks for giving me have a bit of fun playing with it too.


CG

[Nic]

I have ceased to care and or worry about my Nparents' dying.  Ideally, their demise would have occured when I was 71/2 years old..because I wouldn't have gone to an all boys' prep school and be subjected to eight years of additional abuse they couldn't give a damn about.
I've had a double dose of abuse, that is, both away at school and when I returned home.  To match, I've had a double dose of Nism..one N adopted Mother and one N adopted father..just like the terrible twos huh!
Honestly though..in my fantasy life..i've always wished one of them dead.  I can certainly identify with wanting them so far out of my life!   How much is a one way ticket to oblivion please?  Fantasy is one thing, reality is another...to each his own plague!  For now, i'm just 90% free..and the additional 10% has nothing to do with them dying but rather my obtaining victory for myself and rubbing their noses in it without them knowing!

I don't take pleasure at seeing them fade though...it's clear to me they'll die one day..i knew this even when they'd look at me and clearly believe in their crazy little minds they'd be around forever...poor deluded Ns..it's inevitable, they always crash land, no matter how much they've blamed you for their misery, they're just too plain out of it to realize they're solely and exlusively to blame.

The remedy has clearly been to remove myself from their very presence, never to return.

Ok, i'll admit to this fantasy.   I visualize wheeling them in to a private studio..each uncomfortably seated in a barely padded wheelchair.  I place them side by side..then I lock the wheels..after tying their arms..and then I turn their hearing aids up to "9"..then I holler at them until i can't produce any more spit and my voice cracks...then I cell phone somebody to wheel them back to their world...until the next time!

Yup! that little fantasy brings alot of peace to this little ACON!

later...
Nic

[Anonymous]

Oh, gosh Nic, that was so scarey,    I'm gonna be even nicer to my kids now, how does that bumper sticker go, "Be nice to your kids, they choose your nursing home"  HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Wasn't particularly funny, I just felt like a good laugh, in french of course, with one of those absolutely dirty little gargles thrown in at the end.

Love it! Hey Nic, I tried to order, "THE UNSAID", no results yet! hey I'd better get out of this thread now, before someone comes along and kicks me out. I've got "Malingering Disorder" Saw that one on the Psyche forum, I couldn't believe it     . And hey, no-one had posted to it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Gosh, would someone give a downer please!  

CG

CG

[Wildflower]

Ok, i'll admit to this fantasy.  I visualize wheeling them in to a private studio..each uncomfortably seated in a barely padded wheelchair. I place them side by side..then I lock the wheels..after tying their arms..and then I turn their hearing aids up to "9"..then I holler at them until i can't produce any more spit and my voice cracks...then I cell phone somebody to wheel them back to their world...until the next time!

Wow, Nic!!  Thanks for sharing THAT one.  When I was in college, I had a similar fantasy about my mom being tied to a chair and gagged so that I could finally tell her everything I needed to say without her interrupting or leaving.  Spooky. Or, natural reaction to N's???

As for whether it's better to have deceased N parents, how about this - either they go before the cause too much damage, or they stick around just long enough for you to get things sorted out again   .  But seriously, this is a great question, Peanut.  Thanks for the post!

Wildflower

[write]

What if your N parents are still alive but you wished they WERE deceased.

well there's no rule says you can't live your life as though they are deceased, except

my common sense tells me that I would still "hear them" and know that I will never be totally free.

so that's what you need to work on, the 'voices' in your head. Consciously unravel all the crap you've internalised, reprogramme your inner voice.
Have you done any therapy?

These are great links I used a lot a couple of years ago http://www.rational.org.nz/public/BeliefsQuestionnaire/bel4.htm


http://www.rational.org.nz/public/BeliefsQuestionnaire/sup9.htm

As time goes on, the new ways of reacting will become more automatic. This happens when you use slip-backs as further opportunities to practice your coping skills. So don't see your downturns as events that 'shouldn't' happen. Rather, view them as inevitable human occurrences that you can use to your longer-term advantage.

[Gingerpeach]

I don't have an N parent, but do have a soon to be exNH.  I could relate to the fantasies, as while in the thick of the relationship, I often fantasized about my NH's demise.

If he were late getting home and didn't call,  I'd start wondering where he was and thinking .....what if he had an accident?  What if he's dead and the police are on their way to tell me?   Well, you KNOW that at this point I'm hoping.... I'm praying  that he's dead !!  When he would show up an hour later, I can't tell you how disappointed I was !!!

There were lots of other fantasies, him falling off the roof while cleaning the gutters, the sailboat mast falling on his head.... stuff like that.  They all ended with him being dead and me getting the insurance and being rid of him though !!

I used to feel so guilty about those thoughts until on one of the websites I read that this was actually a sign of emotional health.  That it was the healthy part of you stating that it was alive and  well and was not accepting the N insanity.  And that healthy part must feel very stongly indeed to go to such lengths. Since I left him, I am in contact with his first wife and she had those fantasies too.

It is probably that we feel so powerless (so voiceless) that the ony way we can imagine ever getting free of them is if they were to disappear.  And the best and most complete way for someone to disappear is for them to die.  So it all makes pretty good sense to me.  

When the relationship with my NH blew up and I raged at him for hours for his perfidy, he actually took all the kitchen knives and locked himself in the spare room.  He said he was afraid that I was going to kill him.  I thought to my self....boy, you don't know the half of it.  

What I told him though was.....you don't ever have to worry about me killing you, you're just not worth the trouble.....lawyers, prison, etc.   Later I realized that it was the most perfect thing I could have said.  To tell him that I valued myself over him.  That he wasn't worth the bother.  Needless to say, it was the beginning of the end.

So, don't worry about your fantasies, they are the normal part of you that is not buying the N package.  But remember why you are having them.....it's definitely an indication that something is terribly wrong.  And maybe....well, probably telling you that this person as NOT good for you and doesn't belong in your life.

[mrt]

Thanks Gingerpeach for your kind words!

You are so right. No N is worth ruining your life over. I think we all realize that deep down. But it's nice to find out that those thoughts aren't so aberrant after all and that we are not alone in thinking them.