Do not know how to call this.

[lighter]

OH OH OHhhhhhhhHHHH!  Hops... that was brilliant!

[Lupita]

I agree with Lighter. Hops, that was brilliant. You all guys are wonderful. Just to come to the board and read your responses makes me feel better. That is all about. You are doing something nice, good, helpful. For the first time I feel grateful about something. I do not take for granted all your smiles. When we have suffered like we have, we come to appreciate the smiles of others. We know we did not get too many smiles in the past.

I went to my salsa class and dancing after the class. I danced with this guy. Usually I go around talking to everybody, dancing wit everybody. Everybody wants to be with me. But today, I was turned off by the departure or my relatives. So, I was not bubbling, and all the people that usually come around me, were little by little getting away. At the end, I was totally alone in a table. That means, to have company. I have to work, I have to do an effort. I want to have company, no matter what. NO matter if I am not being friecking Jay Leno, just to have company, just for my self.

Guess those have to be real friendships. I do not have those. They see me kind of sad and they go away.

I guy asked me for a date. On Friday. Even him, he decided to leave when he saw I was kind of sad. He said we would practice dancing going to a night club, but if we do not find a nice place, we would end up going to a book store and have a coffee. I said no, I want to dance, and not go read books. He said it was not important what we do but to enjoy each other's company.

Now I com to think he was hypocrit because he left because I was sad. So, he did not do what he was priching, about no matter what, just the company. I do not know if I should  bring that up during our date on Friday, or just enjoy, have fun and forget about him in the future.

You know something? I am forgetting about my family just by thinking about this date and talking to you guys about it.

The dance was failure for me because I had inappropriate shoes, hurting my neas when turning around, too much friction with the floor. So, I could not dance anymore.

I know I will feel better tomorrow morning.

Dear everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. God bless you.

[Lupita]

Thank you lighter. Thank you for your thoughts. What do you mean by it is getting to cozy?
Do you think it is dangerous?
Of course dating can always hurt. If it is only one date it hurst. Or if there are more dates and later ends, it hurts. No matter what, it hurst.
My las date was five years ago. I thought it was a good idea, just to kind of remember the stress of a date. It is a mixture of pleasure and fear of the outcome. My son says I should enjoy the date no matter what the outcome is. Enjoy the journey and not the destination.

I have been alone for almost seventeen years. I have spider webbs in the area of dating. It is like and old basment full of mold and spiders. Rusty, rusty.

[lighter]

What I meant to get accross to you, Lupita is...

1)  You are on a date, enjoy yourself doing appropriate things and DANCE! 

2)  Do not find yourself answering innapropirate questions for this man.

3)  If he asks you things he shouldn't.... about your history etc..... just cock your head, ask him 'Why do you want to know"' then jump up and say you're ready to dance again..... he isn't too tired to entertain you,  now is he?  Then laugh and dance some more.

4)  You aren't an apple on a tree, there for this man to 'pick' you, if he so desires.

5)  Pay attention, from observer mode, and watch what this guy does...... listen to what he say, yes yes yes.... but watch what he does harder.  In observer mode it's interesteting to do, not upsetting and worry making. 

6)  If he keeps asking innapropriate questions.... 'tell me about your divorce' etc..... turn it around on him and ask him to tell you his entire life's story first.... then laugh and say you want to dance some more. 


(hint)  If your shoes start bothering you... take them off and dance some more.

Another rule of engagement.... MEET him  at the location the date is supposed to take place.  That way.... you don't have that icky OH YUCK he just stuck his tongue in my mouth parting moment at your house. 

If you really like him..... saying goodnight at the date location and taking yourself home just makes the parting sweeter, IMO. 


One warning..... dating like this can make a man really really like you too too quickly, prolong the best part of dating and make the guy seem better than he is: /

BTW.... I want you to go out and dance dance dance, date and dance some more.  17 years is long enough to wait.  Go have fun and keep it fun. 

[Lupita]

Dear Lighter, since you are being so nice, and it seems like you are on line now, please, I hope you can see this an answer. Or anybody who wish to give an opinion.
What if it is me the one that desires physical contact. I know that never the first date. Maybe a kiss. No more. I feel like a 15 year old and that I have no idea what to do. I do not know how to detect what his intentions are. Probably just get his basic insticts satisfied and ignore me later. I do not know. Dangerous for my poor little heart to be thinking about that before our first date.

At our dance shool last night, he asked me if it was OK for him to dance with a certain lady. I said no problem. I never thought he would asked me. Does that mean I have to ask not permission to dance with somebody else? Is it OK if I ask him directly what the heck is he thinking?

Well, about the advise to meet him at the place, I regret not to ask to friends before. I already accepted to be picked up at my house. In 17 years I only had three dates. The three dates were a total failure, and hurtful. So, no practice here.

He wanted dinner and dance. I said I am not huge fun fo eating at night. It makes me sick. So, I would have just something light, maybe half portion of a salda, or a cheescake, dessert. He does not drink and he was alcoholic, sober for 15 years. So I would not dare to rink beer with him. I would never hurt him intentionally.

I am not amking any sense. The good thing is that I am not thinking about my family.

What am I doing? Can somebody help?

[Hopalong]

Hi Lupita,
I think having a date sounds nice! If he seems like a good person and treats you kindly, why not?
Just three suggestions:

1) stay in the present (don't speculate about the future)
2) trust your instincts and don't reveal too much too fast
3) don't "fall in love" quickly--just make friends

One more...enjoy!

hugs
Hops

[Lupita]

Thank you hops. Nobody has said anything about physical contact. I know definitively, no sex. I know that. But how about holding hands, or kissing. I am not talking about comfortable ness. I am talking about correctness. Something that is not goint to be misinterpterted. Easy woman, or something. What if I am dieing for an arm around my back? He is going to sense it immediately and probably secretely laugh. What if he tells my other class mates? Nobody will dance with me again in the class. What if they dance with me and start laughing? I will not know if something happened?
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry. I am going back to all patterns. High school pattenrs.

Just enjoy, and not speculate about the future. That is basic.

[lighter]

My first DUOH was.... she/you/Lupita won't be drinking she could have driven herself easily!

My second was......Duoh... she didn't remember about guys being interested in women who are busy!  

If you are busy and happy and doing your own thing.... they iinvariably want to get in on it and that usually includes physical contact with men.

If you follow the rules of engagement.... people will willbe drawn to you.  

Remember.....making out like teenagers is prolly the very best part of physical contact.  Making it last saaayyy.... for a year or two is a good place to start.  JK.... sort'a.

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
  It sounds to me like you are going in to a "shame cycle' which is really EASY to go in to---at any stressful event or moment.
  I 'hear" you,internally"freaking out". I hear the little kid in you wanting to be liked and accepted.
 I think that you have 'slipped "in to your "little kid".
  The problem with 'our" little kid is that it was abused. So,'normal" people can cope with things that send us in to orbit. A date would not be a huge life "threatening" event to someone who had developed 'adult" internal resources.
  I think that you made the first really big step toward growth by telling the "truth" about how your M treated you. You exposed the ugliness and horror of your M. Also, you found other people who could relate. -You are not alone. You have been through a terrible horror ,but there are other people who understand.
   Then ,you will take the next steps toward healing. For me, they were simply to keep facing the truth.The truth has the power to heal.
  As far as the date, I think that you are "expecting" yourself to act like a "grown woman" when you are just a little "abused" child inside.
 Inside, you are that little kid who was used so terribly by your M. My "advice" is to just concentrate ,first ,on your healing. The date will come and go. It really does not mean that much,one way or another.What really means something is your healing.(IMO)
    That will take time. It will take time to "grow up" to the point where "small" things like a date do not make you unglued. This is simply my take on it.                     Love    Ami

[Lupita]

WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is that the Amy I have been reading about?
My god, you sound so wonderful. I love your opinions, I love your advises, you are a wise woman!!!!!!!

Absolutly. I will think deeply in what you said. Totally agree with you.

I hope I do not grab this man and tell him how much I need him to love me. I will not, I will control my self. I will, I will, I will. I hope I do not become a kissing spider, and he has to tie my hands.

I will do my best not to embarrasse my self.

  I will try.

[Lupita]

Can somebody come here tomorrow night and restrain me?

LOL

[lighter]

You should have a check list ready for tomorrow night, lol.

Really comfy dancing shoes.  CHECK

Great dress that flairs out and makes you fee pretty when you twirl.  CHECK

An idea of what you'll eat..... that little salad and some protein are good.  I don't like to eat much when I know I'm to dance either.

I have one small problem with dating a guy who's involved in something you love, Lupita.

He'll still be there if things go south or his head starts spinning, ya know?

If you really want to meet people to date, or muff up a bit...... whatever, then why not practice on some NON DANCE CLASS folkes a bit first?

Personally, I think you'll have a great time out dancing, sober with this guy but......

I can just picture the posts that you'll be agonizing over if he doesn't turn out to be a gentleman or a decent fellow or anything you've already brought up.

Keep it fun and casual (don't give him information about your past.... NOW is OK)  Don't get physical with him till you've known, and trusted him, for at least 6 months. 

If you must get physical you can always tell him up front that you intend to make out like teenagers, clothes on, and if he's not square with that he can find something else to do. 

((((Lupita)))) You're going to have a great time.  Listen to him when he speaks,  he'll probably tell you everythiing you need to know about him.  Whatever he's doing NOW, is what he'll be doing in any relationship he has with you.

Sidebar.... I don't like it that he's asking you permission to dance with someone. 

I would really dislike you're feeling pressured to ask him for his permission (read that as ACT MARRIED) to dance with someone else.

I don't like it and red flags are flying all over the field for me Lup: /  Casual.  Have fun.  Let him see you have fun.  You don't owe him ANYTHING and he owes you nothing.  You are single and beginning to get out and date.  Enjoy that and don't tell anyone about your personal life,  hon. 

EXCEPT US,  OF COURSE,lol; )