Do not know how to call this.

[Lupita]

My mom wrote me an e mail in which she tells me that I am interchanging chewing gum with her worst enemy. (her daughter in low, my sister in low).
I wrote her back telling her that I am very sorry that she thinks that way. That my son is the pianist in the church where I was kicked out in a very cruel way for no reason, by a narcissistic pastor, and I am not mad at my son. Also, that I am the only connexion she has with this family as a whole. So she should be more positive about the small relationship that I have with my sister in low. My sister in low told me that she wanted to visit me before, but my mother told her that she should not, because that would be damaging to me. I do not know if she is just trying to cause problems between my mother and me. I do not know who to believe anymore.
My sister was trying to get a job at my brother's office and he said no because his wife did not want to. I asked him for a job in his office in the past, and he said that I had to talk to his wife, if she accepted, it wold be OK. I never asked her. I talked to her last night about the truth on that, (I do not need a job there, I prefer to work here in this wonderful country) and she said that my brother never let her interfere with his decisions in his office. My brother is a physician. I do not who to believe. It seems like my family is all lies and deceive.
My son told me he is having a wonderful time with his cousin and his aunt and he does not want to know about this B@@@T.
I know I have to detach from all this obscure matter that my poor mother has created. Just do not know how to stop thinking about her. Maybe hypnosis.
Thank you for your comments, thank you for your advises.

[Lupita]

This visit ends next Wednesday. I enjoy my niece company. Last night we went to my son's piano trio's concert and they really liked it. Usually the other kids have relatives, cousins, uncles, several memeber of the falily, there making noise for them after the performance, and I am the only one there for my son, always alone. Last night we were three people aplauding my son.
Why not enjoy this moments of the small time of companionship I rarely have. This is the first time these people visit me in ten years.
My brother is totally blind to my suffering.

[finding peace]

Hi Lupita

I thought the way you responded to your M was perfect: “I am sorry you feel that way.”

(The rest of your family aside) Do you like your SIL?  If you do, then ignore your M.  If you don’t, then still ignore your M, and make a decision based on what is right for you not anyone else.  Does this make any sense?

I don’t know if this would help, but sometimes when I see a behavior or hear something that I am not quite sure how to take, I make a note of it in my head, no emotion attached – just a so and so said this about this.  Overtime, the list in my head gets filled in and a pattern will emerge.  Sometimes, it turns out that the odd comment was just someone having a bad day, or someone seeing something a little different (but not in a bad way) than I do.  Other times, an uglier pattern emerges, and then I can decide whether or not I want to stay in a relationship with that person (all the while fully realizing what they are capable of) or deciding to walk away. 

Don’t know if this helps, but I have found that watching and listening to patterns of behavior over time helps me to understand where the other is coming from, and whether or not it is healthy for me to be near that person.

Peace

[Lupita]

Dear Finding Peace, your advise sounds very logical. Very reasonable.
I still feel that I have to detach from my family. They are a mess. Just do not know how to detach. How to not care. It seems that I am afraid to lose something I do not really have. So, I do not need them. They do not even help me. My brother is totally indifferent o my suffering. Selfish. So, for the little smile he gives me once in a while, (variable response. the most addictive one) he constantly has me on the edge, for me just waiting for another smile to come. That has to end. I do not need anybody. Just my slef.
I have to be indifferent. I need anesthesia.

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
  You answered your own question, I think. You want connections. To me, I think that family is different than friends. Maybe, I am wrong in this. I think that you can be more yourself with family
  I think that you don't want to face that a 'bad" family is worse than no family.That is a direct way of saying it,but that is what I hear in your posts.
  The big reason that I got so sick was b/c I believed this way. too. Well, an NPD mother IS worse than no mother. Now, I am facing the same thing with my H.
  Anyway, the theme that I see in your posts is that you are taking poisoned scraps of food b/c you are willing to settle for it rather than nothing My NPD  Mother is a poisoned scrap of food. You have your son-- that is very positive. Maybe, you might have your SIL. I think that you need to face that you do not have your M or B.That is how I see it.
 You might find that the few good family that you have are more satisfying when you let go of the 'fake" family. Hope that I was not too "blunt". This is the underlying theme that I saw.
 When I gave up the poison, I treasured the beauty more. I have a great relationship with my older son and Father .God sent me a wonderful friend.Maria. I can be gut level honest with her. That is as good as it gets in a friendship. So, I am treasuring what I have. Maybe, I will have a restoration with my H and then younger son. Time will tell,but I am not going to LIE that poison is NOT poison  Love   Ami

[finding peace]

I am sorry Lupita – too much logic eh?

I tend to do that because if I allow too much emotion in on the big decisions, I can’t think straight.

I believe you are right, you need to detach, although, I am not sure that it is possible to detach by trying to cut-off that you care.

The fact that you care is what sets you apart (in a good way) from those in your family who use you.  They clearly don’t care.  These Ns are really smart – they use our caring and compassion against us, they use it coldly, without a care, to manipulate us into doing what they want (and they don't give a second thought to how much we are hurt by this because they lack that caring and compassion).

That caring and compassionate soul is what enabled you to raise that tremendous son, and is a precious gift.

I think that it is ok to care for them, but more importantly it is ok to care for yourself first. 

Doesn't that sound odd? 

I still struggle with this because I was trained to put everyone's needs before mine. 

I often ask myself - do I expect my children to care for me more than they care for themselves - invariably, the answer is no.  In a normal relationship the caring is give and take.  In an N relationship the caring is take, take, take - and when this happens, I think it is essential to take that caring compassionate soul and direct it toward yourself rather than feed it to the Ns (as they will only gobble it up and demand more). 

I think this is one of the first steps to detaching.

I know it easy to say, not so easy to do - it is against everything we are trained to do - eh?. 

One step at a time - and many hugs (I know how hard this is).

Peace

[lighter]

(((Lupita)))

It's sort of like a magic trick, isn't it? 

Staying out of the orbit of negative mean people who aren't making sense to you.

Remember when you had that great night of dancing....?

You chose to ignore the arrogant guy's weird behavior..... and went on having a wonderful evening......?

And, of course, once you were busy and happy without him...... he wanted your attention back again.....?

Same thing, sort'a, with your family. 

That's a real good real life illustration of what you're missing out on when you spend time agonizing over negative (read that as irrational)
behavior, other's try to perpetrate on you.

It doesn't make sense, Lupita. 

Don't beat your head against the wall trying to figure it out.

You can't..... and not bc you're not smart enough.

::shrugging::.

It just doesn't make sense.

Simple as that.

Go back to enjoying your life.... you're free to do that, you know?

Maybe you didn't you, lol? 

::clearing throat::

I hereby decree that Lupita is free to ignore the negative people around her and concentrate on her joy!

Figuring out how to limit damage and negativity is your new hobby.

NO0000ooooooooo! 

Figuring out how to maximize joy and positive connections in your life.....

is your new hobby: ) 

Don't let other's steal your joy, Lupita.

It's your job to defend it.

Discover and live and embrace life: )  It's ok.... it's ok.... ::nodding:: 

[Certain Hope]

Dear Lighter,

Figuring out how to maximize joy and positive connections in your life.....
is your new hobby

I claim that declaration... for myself!
Thank you 

((((((((((Lupita))))))))))  I hope that you will claim it, too!


Love to you both,
Hope

[Lupita]

Ami, you are right. I am settling for the crumbs under the table. Thinking that with out them I am going to starve.
I will not starve. I am getting conatgeioused of the negativity of my family. Too much family this summer. My mother tells so many lies, I do not know if they are lies or to her are honest twisted truths.
I have no idea how much my grad mother made her suffer. Probably a lot. That is why I do not want to abandone her. But she is so much poison to me, that she is not leaving me with any option. I used to answer her e mails one by one statement b statement trying to reason. She always answered me back, "you never answer my questions, talking with you is like talking to the wall", never good enough.
Now she things that I am getting along with her worst enemy. I wish I could do what my son does.
When I start my sermon, drive slowly, do not talk on the cell while driving, do not put your music so loud that you cannot hear firefighters or ambulance, etc, or the train, etc. Then he says, I love you mom, and with out telling me that I am wrong, he just leaves with a smile on his face.
I am going to try that. Today I was affected for the "interchanging chewing gum with the worst enemy" when I exactly promised that I was going to pray before opening her e mails.
I promise you, tonight I am going to open her e mail and I am not going to feel anything. I will not feel anything. I will not feel anything.

[Lupita]

Figuring out how to limit damage and negativity is your new hobby.

NO0000ooooooooo! 

Figuring out how to maximize joy and positive connections in your life.....

Finding pece, lighter and CH are correct.

Wish it was easy. 

[lighter]

Figuring out how to limit damage and negativity is your new hobby.

NO0000ooooooooo! 

Figuring out how to maximize joy and positive connections in your life.....

Finding pece, lighter and CH are correct.

Wish it was easy. 

It's not easy.... I know.

It's tough and hard and hurts and stings and nags and keeps dragging us back until it doesn't anymore.

The point is...... it will stop tugging so hard and we can be free if we strive long enough.... hard enough.

The struggle makes us stronger, Lupita.

[Lupita]

I feel the same way I felt when my mother was here. I start losing energy, dont want to study for my exam, dont feel like going to the gym. I missed my salsa lesson last Sunday and I will miss it again this tomorrow Sunday, to go to the beach with them. I start feeling depressed and I am gaining weight. Why is this so draining? Why are they bothering me? Why am I getting tired of them?
I do not know what I would do if I did not have this board to express my feelings.

[Lupita]

I am behaving the same way many women behave with an abusive husband and they do not want to leave him. I have seen that children of N parents have more difficulty detaching from parents. Healthy people can detach more easily.
I see so much, " My N H here and my N H there" etc, and here I am my mother here and my brother there and cant change the subject.
I am obsessed with my family the same way some women are with their N husbands.
It is pathetic.
but with the hope that I will get better.
I hope that nobody comes to visit me for the rest of this year and the next, and the next. It puts me backwards, upside down, dizzy.

[Lupita]

I am behaving the same way many women behave with an abusive husband and they do not want to leave him. I have seen that children of N parents have more difficulty detaching from parents. Healthy people can detach more easily.
I see so much, " My N H here and my N H there" etc, and here I am my mother here and my brother there and cant change the subject.
I am obsessed with my family the same way some women are with their N husbands.
It is pathetic.
but with the hope that I will get better.
I hope that nobody comes to visit me for the rest of this year and the next, and the next. It puts me backwards, upside down, dizzy.

[Lupita]

I feel guilty for not feeling well now. Because they need my joy and entertaining. I have to impact their life. But I am so drained now.
I want to impact their lives in a positive way. It is hard. They are sucking up my soul. I HAVE TO BE STRONGER.