Is It Always N Behavior to Violate Others' Boundaries?

[Ami]

Her excuse was she shouldn't have given it to me when she really wanted it--lol.               Ami

[BonesMS]

Her excuse was she shouldn't have given it to me when she really wanted it--lol.               Ami

It never ceases to amaze me...the lengths they will go to!  (Shaking head)

Bones

[BonesMS]

And at times, I often wait for "the other shoe to drop".  NDoofus has left me alone for now.  Another N recently sent me an e-mail asking me how I'm doing.  I was honest with her about what's been going on recently.  After that, no further responses from that N.  I'm not surprised.

Bones

[BonesMS]

When I was reading a posting about a kitty, it reminded me of a cat I lost, and the grief involved.  I was living in an apartment so I couldn't keep the cat there.  The cat was staying at the home of a (now former) friend.  One day, while I was visiting both the friend and the cat, the cat was killed when it got inside the dryer.  I was EXTREMELY upset over the death of the cat!  The friend's response?  She played herself as the victim and insisted that I was WRONG for grieving the cat!  I look back on that experience and realize that this former friend was also an N.  (There were several other incidents, that she created after the cat, where she insisted that EVERYONE should feel sorry for her because she is always the perpetual, poor "innocent" victim.  Once I caught on, I cut off the friendship.)

Bones

[Ami]

Dear Bones
 I am trying to make myself as solid as I can be so I can know how to handle situations better. My biggest problem was not facing who I was so I needed the outside to affirm me. That allowed me to get in situations which were not healthy . My need for the  outside to define me   blinded me to what was actually happening.Have you been there?   Ami

[BonesMS]

Dear Bones
 I am trying to make myself as solid as I can be so I can know how to handle situations better. My biggest problem was not facing who I was so I needed the outside to affirm me. That allowed me to get in situations which were not healthy . My need for the  outside to define me   blinded me to what was actually happening.Have you been there?   Ami

Oh yeah!  This is painfully familiar!

Bones

[BonesMS]

A thought just occurred to me regarding NDoofus.

Some years ago, when we took her mother to a specialist for an Alzheimer's assessment, and subsequent diagnosis, NDoofus started her dithering routine with the doctor.  Every time the doctor asked Mom a question, as part of the assessment process, NDoofus would either answer FOR her or CORRECT her mother.  I told NDoofus to STOP and let the doctor do his job!  She dithered about Mom making HER look bad!  Finally, the doctor told NDoofus to step out of the office so that he could talk to Mom alone.  At first, NDoofus objected, stating that Mom would give all kinds of WRONG answers.  Again, I stated that she needed to LET THE DOCTOR DO HIS JOB!  That's when NDoofus PLANTED herself in the office doorway and REFUSED to move while she continued to dither.  I got fed up, got behind her, grabbed her by her collar and belt, then yanked her out of the office.  (I felt like a bouncer at a nightclub!)  I realize now that NDoofus was attempting to make the whole situation about HERSELF!  Geez!!!

Bones

[Ami]

Dear Bones
  I see how N's really are missing a piece of apparatus. As I come out of the fog of being a D of an N and the  shock that brought. I see that I can evaluate situations, feel things , and chose action.
 N's are missing a piece of the evaluative process so they look like clueless boobs.
 The nature of N is a clueless boob. I guess we all would be like this if we stayed stuck at an early age of development. Kids can act like N's and it is not strange,but expected. Kids go through an N stage.I think we all have this N kid in us.(I would like to see what Dr G says about that.)
 Adult N's look ridiculous and are horrifying to the people around them.
 I am seeing my M better and better each day as I face what I am truly like. That is not pretty  b/c the human being's primal nature, which we all share ,is  ugly.
 I could never face my primal nature b/c my M shamed me so much . Now, I can face my primal self little by little . Having a primal self is human.
 We can't run away from it w/out being emotionally ill, which I was.
 As I face the truth, I feel better,more solid, more alive and more hopeful .
              Ami

[BonesMS]

Another memory that just occurred to me involved her job, which is funded by taxpayers.  (God Help Us!)

She pulled a stunt, at her job, that resulted in the unnecessary cost of boo-koo taxpayer bucks.  The result was that the head honcho read her the riot act in front of everyone at her job for what she did.  (How she avoided getting fired, I do not know!)  Later that day, she attempted to get "tea and sympathy" from me while telling me what happened at her job.  She got NEITHER tea nor sympathy!  I was so MAD that she thought NOTHING of WASTING TAXPAYER MONEY!!!  And we are all taxpayers here!     What made it worse was that she kept blathering:  "But I ASSUMED it was okay!"  What a dumb-a$$!!!!!

Bones

[Ami]

N's ARE dumb asses b/c they don't have the highter reasoning that figures things out beyond a young childs way of thinking.   Ami

[BonesMS]

N's ARE dumb asses b/c they don't have the higher reasoning that figures things out beyond a young childs way of thinking.   Ami

And it's made worse when our tax money is at risk.

Bones

[BonesMS]

I've been mulling over a situation and would like to get some opinions.

I have an older cousin, on my father's side, that I did not know about growing up, even though she lived nearby for years.  (Long story as a result of NWomb-Donor's lies.)  When we finally met and I told her my name, she informed me that she did not want me to use that name because it reminded her of her daughter that died several decades ago.  She wanted me to use the formal version of my name, (which I hate to do because it triggers memories of abuse).  I've given her my phone number several times but she never calls me.  Each time I've called her and spoken with her, she says she "lost" my number and asks me to give it to her again.  Then she never calls.  Her husband was a lot friendlier and we kept in touch until he died.  I learned about his death, from a third party, after I sent my cousin-in-law an e-mail.  I've also come to learn that this cousin will hold grudges for ANY kind of faux pas, mistake, etc. for YEARS.  I've apologized for mistakes I've made but nothing changes.

Objectively, I realize that this cousin doesn't want to communicate with me unless it is on her terms, i.e. not being allowed to use my own name, my own identity.  Subjectively, it is painful because I was blocked from knowing my father's side of the family because of NWomb-Donor's constant lying.  I have not called her lately, when my medical situation got worse, because I don't feel comfortable discussing my medical conditions with her.  We're blood-related but......

I still have to work through this emotionally even though, logically, I know where this is going.

Bones

[Ami]

Dear Bones
 What is the exact issue you would like an opinion on? Is it whether you should pursue the relationship. If it is, I think you know the answer down deep,but it hurts. She does not seem interested ,for whatever reason.
 We all have been there, Bonesie.
         Ami

[BonesMS]

Dear Bones
 What is the exact issue you would like an opinion on? Is it whether you should pursue the relationship. If it is, I think you know the answer down deep,but it hurts. She does not seem interested ,for whatever reason.
 We all have been there, Bonesie.
         Ami

Thanks, Ami.

Bones

[BonesMS]

I saw these in "Dear Abby" this morning, May 16, 2009.  Do they sound painfully familiar?

Bones



DEAR ABBY: I always dreamed of having a formal black-and-white wedding. I have four bridesmaids who have very different shapes and sizes. It wasn't easy choosing a dress that would fit them all. I thought I was being fair by choosing the skirt length and letting them select from a few different styles of tops.

One of the girls is now telling me she refuses to wear what I selected. She says it is "ridiculous" to make her wear it, and it will make her look stupid. (They are normal-looking dresses, Abby, not outdated or too trendy.)

She has e-mailed me several pictures of dresses she likes, but I don't care for them. Am I being a Bridezilla, or does she need to learn some wedding etiquette? Should I stand my ground -- after all, it is my day -- and risk losing a friendship? -- BRIDE-TO-BE IN MINNESOTA

DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: You would not be a Bridezilla to remind this young woman whose wedding it is. And when you do, tell her you do not want her to be uncomfortable and you will "understand" if she wishes to back out. Believe me, the last thing you need is for her to be pouting when the pictures are taken on your wedding day.



DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law bought me a pair of shoes while we were out shopping one afternoon. The boutique was pricey, but she insisted I get them. The next day I got a phone call from her saying she had "borrowing rights" because they cost more than she had expected. I was shocked about the price, too.

Now I'm embarrassed and wonder if I should reimburse her for half the cost, which I'm willing to do. What should I do? -- STEPPING OUT IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR STEPPING OUT: Your mother-in-law bought WHOM a pair of shoes? Unless her feet are the same size or smaller than yours, I do not recommend sharing them. Once you do they will be stretched and will no longer fit you properly.

Because she has let you know she covets the shoes, consider giving them to her. Alternatively, if they have never been worn, consider returning them to the shop where they were purchased. That way your impulsive M.I.L. can get her money back or a store credit.