Hey Bones... does your mood improve as the day continues? (at least sometimes?) I'm wondering... working on a theory.
See, I generally allow myself at least 1/2 hour to "wake up" every day. That requires coffee, as fast as I can drink it and a dark room and at least one cat. Sometimes a dog too. And in this space of time, my thoughts will pick up threads of dreams and puzzle over them... I'll spend a bit of time with leaky eyes... grieving in general, it feels like a non-specific anxiety... or about some specific loss that I've experienced. I stretch a bit... try to feel whether I'm achy or sore in parts of my body. Breathe intentionally; consciously for a bit.
But one thing I'm not doing is thinking with a purpose - that left brain, problem-solving, detail-oriented crap. In fact, my thoughts jump around and may even be just fragments of ideas, or observations... and don't even connect to each other. Free-floating me coming back to conscious existence after whatever happens when I sleep. It's a cocoon-time; warm and safe in the darkness... watching for first light; alone - and happy to be so; listening for whatever is the "topic of the day" from my unconscious self; my inner chld... the Twiggy who is still there but is way more quietly satisfied and helpful than in the past.
It takes a couple more cups of coffee and a cigarette, before I can understand what hubby is saying to me and I can reply coherently. I'm so inwardly focussed on my own subjective experience of being alive - it's as if my normal reality is the dream, sometimes. I prefer to take my time transitioning from one state of consciousness to the other. But I can also snap to, when it's necessary, immediately. When MIL needed help getting to the bathroom she'd ring me at 1:30 or 5:30 am... and I'd be up in a flash and fully conscious. (But then - a ringing phone has always been a trigger for me as it figured prominently in Twiggy's story.) When I am called on to make that transition quickly, I'm conscious of feeling assaulted; of being forced to do something that's not natural to me (become conscious quickly); and I find the physical effects very unpleasant.
So.... that's the preamble explanation of what my theory is... and how it might relate to what I've been noticing in your posts. Maybe, when you sleep... your unconscious is doing a lot of your "inner work"; maybe it's grieving... working thru anger (which can be depressing)... maybe this other part of yourself is having a complete and total blast o' fun while you sleep and flat out doesn't want to wake up to "reality"... just yet. But as you transition, assume a presence in your body again, take up your usual daily consciousness... it's happening too abruptly for "comfort"... which you experience as being blue or down, emotionally. Your later in the day posts have a different "flavor" to them... as if your mood improves as you get into your day... sometimes.
Maybe? Or is this just one of my far-fetched wacko ideas? I know I've been wondering what the purpose of my cocoon time is, for me. Sometimes I think it's way more significant that how I described it above... and sometimes I think I'm just hanging on to a habit that I just happen to like... and being lazy because I can.
